Diary of a Wookiee: Pointlessness with a Point

WARNING: Completely random fiction follows the continue reading link. Readers are warned they may be no better for having read what follows.  For the point of the pointlessness, scroll past all the words in italics.  You may still be no better off though.  Just saying, you’ve been warned.

Strange things were afoot at the Springfield Circle K.  Homer walked along the town’s shops and contemplated more weirdness than he’d seen since he’d eaten that Guatemalan Insanity Pepper and spoke to a space coyote that sounded just like Johnny Cash.  

First, Flanders had started referring to Springfield as Wookieetown, then folks had started refusing to go indoors and constantly did strange things in the streets and now… CBG had a girlfriend/wife/jealous Asian somebody muttering about his hand holding with Agnes Skinner.

Curiouser and curiouser.  Just what the heck was going on in Homie’s beloved hometown.  Granted things always had been a little weird with buildings changing places and Marge’s sudden penchant for casting spells over at Cletus’, but this new strangeness defied Homer’s imagination.  Mr. Sparkle had resurfaced.  

Homer had enjoyed going to the Kwik-E-Mart with Kumiko Nakamura when she first appeared.  Sure she thought of Springfield as the Saddest Town in America but knowing that Springfield was the Little Town That Can’t and Won’t was just part of being a Springfieldianite.

Springfield would always be as sad or happy as its residents wanted it to be.  Having a new minority in the town made Homer happy.  Sure she was yellow just like almost everyone else but Homer believed people had the right to feel special.  Sure sometimes that special came with asterisks around it but that’s just how life is.

Homer kept plodding along, past the Knowledgeum and other museums towards the swanky riverwalk area that had opened by the Squidport.  He really needed to talk to Bart’s comic vendor about all that hand-holding with Skinner’s mom.  Kumiko was a much better catch.  Homer remembered the first day he’d met her.  She remarked how he resembled Mr. Sparkle and Homer was all to happy to use some of the Japanese he knew to impress her.  He wasn’t quite sure how to feel that drinking it was a popular form of Suicide though.

He was completely prepared to forget about it when suddenly billboards for the detergent had popped up in town.  Why would the big guy upstairs want to remind him of people killing themselves with a product resembling him?  It seemed Homer could not get away from it.  He tried to get Fat Tony to de-construct them, discussed sending it to another dimension with Frink, burning them down with the bullies, but all had admitted there was nothing to be done short of praying.

So Homer prayed.  That’s the same thing as drinking at Moe’s, right?  It must be because it seemed to have worked.  Not only had the suicide reminders suddenly vanished, but it seemed like everything had gone backwards in time.  Convinced Frink had actually done this (although he vehemently denied playing with the space-time continuum), the billboards had vanished.

That’s when the grumbling from above had begun.  Homer had heard some of the hub bub about his town being name Wookieetown but the growls and gurgles from the heavens were unnerving.  Sure he’d made a joke at Chewbacca’s expense a time or two but could his god actually be a Wookiee?  The idea of constantly living life while avoiding having his arms ripped out was much worse than reminders of Japanese seppuku by detergent.  For almost a solid month, Homer heard these sounds and lived in fear.  While the residents of town prepared for Valentines, Homer just hoped the thunder above was just some auditory hallucination.

Not cool to go about one’s daily business while the heavens sounded like all the best moments from Star Wars.  Homer was at a loss.  How could answered prayer not be a good thing?  How to fix things became Homer’s new obssession. He decided it might actually be necessary to contact his friends Colin and Wayne at the EA cult.  The furry skyfinger had to be appeased or he’d never get any peace.

A couple quick emails and Homer’s waiting game had begun.  The growls continued but patience had to be a virtue.  Homer knew getting drunk might bide the time.  It always worked for everything else.

Homer sat at the bar drinking the new arrival, “Duff Stuff” when an exultant “Woo Hoo” resounded throughout the town at a near deafening decibel level.  Homer rushed outside only to find that the billboards had returned.  So weird.  Homer didn’t even want to know what it was all about.  Who are Colin and Wayne anyways?  Sounds like people some fiction writer just created to push a silly story along.  Oh well… better to just keep being himself and stumble drunkenly while playing on his myPad.

What’s up heart breakers?  Apologies for the weird TSTO Fiction but just felt like typing up some words this morning about my latest little saga with EA.  Basics are that EA fixed my game crashtastrophe a month ago by setting my beloved game back in time.  (Where we’re going we don’t need roads.)  The result was I lost two Mr. Sparkle billboards in the process.  Figured I’d let y’all know that EA came through and finally gave me back my decorations.  Took several e-mails and follow up but they came through.  Also gave me a funny story and compliments about my town.

Moral of the pointless fiction: If you have a problem that you can’t fix yourself, contact EA and stay on top of it.  They really will help you out even if it is an exercise in patience.  Homer worrying about the sepukku is just his penance for looking like a fishbulb.  Not sure EA is prepared for the therapy bills anyways. They could always give us Dr. Marvin Monroe for future requirements, wink wink, nudge nudge.

The true point is I get all the issues people experience and feel your pain.  Just like Homer and Adipose, I’ve facepalmed a time or two.  Squeaky wheels get grease and while it may take a little time, EA is interested in helping their customers.  I could have spent the last month complaining but left all those Wookiee roars for my poor town.  No need to bore y’all with more than my usual randomness.  Anywho… thank you to Colin and Wayne.   You’re now TSTO Fiction famous! Wookieetown is much better for your efforts.

“Pointless” ramble and fiction done.  TTFN… Wookiee out!

Previous rambles about this chapter of my life: crastastrophe and “resolution”.

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