What’s up my friends? Once again I mustache too much of you. Seems I’ve been complacent during this great month of March. Why might you ask? Well, it’s already a week into the month and I haven’t mentioned the almighty mustache once. I know, I know, shame on me.
Maybe it’s just my misspent youth in the military but for those of you unaware, March is the month of the Mustache (and Women’s history but that’s Alissa and Bunncket’s department). Every March, dedicated men (and women, calf staches are real people) grow out their upper lip awesomeness for the world to see especially in the US Air Force.
Mustache March is an Air Force Tradition stemming from famous fighter pilot, Robin Olds. The “Wolf of Kunsan” became famous during Vietnam for his epic handlebar mustache that he rocked which was definitely not within regulations. Alas, his superior officer made him shave it upon his return to the continental US.
Colonel Olds obeyed his superior but not before the “triple ace” with 16 victories between WWII and the Vietnam War started a revolution. Beautiful stache, superior skill in a Grumman F-14 Tomcat, I mean, c’mon, even Tom Sellick would say this man was a bad mamajama. It’s believed the tradition originally started in his fighter unit as a symbol of the 8th Fighter Wing but by the time I enlisted in 1999, it was rampant among airmen. Every March, you’d get amazing staches all over. Sure some were better than others but as they say in French, c’est la vie. (Filledemusee is absolutely right that my previous quote from Willy was in poor taste. Apologies.) NOTE: Growing a mustache during a military deployment is also popular but these are called “freedom staches”.
FACT: Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh actually instituted an “all-in” mustache competition this year. BRAVO!
Anywho… I was watching my daily dose of Simpsons (“The Haw-Hawed Couple”, S18:E8) when I was smacked in the face with my negligence. As Homer is reading Angelica Button to Lisa…. Wait, what do you mean you don’t know what that is? It’s only one of the times the Simpsons has lampooned Harry Potter. Angelica button is “the fantasy book that even grown-ups like. Broken, lonely grown-ups.” Hey Homer, I resemble that remark!
My point is, right before my eyes was a supremo stache in the character of Headmaster Greystash.
“Greystash looked Krubb right in the eye and said, “Mustache power: activate!’”
A great little side story between Homer and Lisa. The rest of the episode is also good with a Nelson-centric story, Spiderman, his mom, Skinner “kissing” Bart and guitar playing on a horseshoe crab.
Feeling shameful, I immediately made the excuse for myself that being a civilian had made me sloppy. I also probably didn’t pay attention because my beard is pretty fantastic. It’s really no excuse though so I feel the need to make up for it by showing y’all some radical staches in the Simpsons. The most obvious of course is Ned Flanders aka “the smiling mustache geek who walks with God”. (Reference the Everybody Hates Ned Flanders song from “Dude Where’s My Ranch?, S14:E18).
Can you imagine Neddy without his flavor saver? One guy on the internet I found can and boy is it just the very definition of wrong.
Homer: “Get lost for the waste of mustache!” (“The Homer of Seville”, S19:E2)
In Season 2, Episode 2: Simpson and Delilah, Bart fantasizes about growing a beard using Homer’s hair grow medication (Dimoxinil). Not really a mustache but pretty funny AND beards without staches are just cheap rip-offs of Abraham Lincoln.
One of the creepiest mustaches ever is the John Waters’ pencil stache. Have you seen “Homer’s Phobia” (S8:E15)? Nothing cooler than a character modeled after and voiced by the actor. I’m actually a big fan of Mr. Waters and if you haven’t seen Lonely Island’s “The Creep” music video, you have my permission to leave this post now.
I know some of you by now are saying, I can’t believe he hasn’t mentioned Guy N. Cognito from “Fear of Flying” (S6:E11). Well, I am now, so be happy. Homer is banned from Moe’s. Later, he appears in the bar wearing a cheap mustache disguise, or does he?
Apparently, Guy is actually a completely different person who is an exact lookalike of Homer only with a mustache!
While we’re reminiscing about mouthbrows, I can’t forget the sarcastic clerk aka Raphael. You know him, right? Owner of the Noiseland Video Arcade but also works at a gun shop and All Creatures Great and Cheap among other places. Maybe if I just said the “hey, pal-y” guy you’d know him? Well, if you’re still confused, here’s an image of him and his tea strainer.
A mustache you may have forgotten about is Roscoe, foreman of the Ajax Steel Mill. Big burly man with mustache, check. Foreman for an all-male’s who love male’s group of steelmen, double check. Rope puller turning the mill after hours into a gay disco known called The Anvil, you get the idea. Keep chasing those rainbows Roscoe!
If you need a more hetero example of a great cookie duster, it’s as easy as watching Season 13, Episode 5: The Blunder Years. The Burly Paper Towels guy aka Chad Sexington is one heck of a macho, macho man. Plus he’s a spokesjack for towels so absorbent they can assist in finding corpses.
One of my favorite mustache moments comes from “Much Apu About Nothing”. Homer is leading a march against all the bears that have been wandering into Springfield.
Homer: We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want anymore bears.
Crowd: We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want anymore bears.
Lenny: Hey, that’s a pretty catchy chant. Where did you hear it?
Homer: Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year.
The only better moment to me than this is from “Bart the Mother” (S3:E10). After going to the Family Fun Center, Bart and Lisa discuss the prizes they won.
Lisa: So what prize did you end up getting?
Bart: Moustache comb. What’d you get?
Lisa: Fake moustache. Wanna comb it?
I think it’s only fair to point out that even that animated version of Matt Groening has a stache. Probably supposed to be his goatee but you say tomato, I say tah-mustache.
And that about wraps up this post about face caterpillars. Some people love them, some think they just belong on creepsters. I think a great mustache is something to be cherished but will agree not everyone needs to cultivate dirt squirrels.
Got a favorite mustachioed character or mustache moment I didn’t mention? What’s your opinion about the stache? Don’t shave those comments for later, state your case. Mustache March won’t last forever. Well, I’d love to keep on rambling but I really mustache. TTFN… Wookiee out!