Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Well as the 4th of July Event comes to a close we thought now would be a fun time to take a look back at the dialogue you may have missed from the event while tapping.
4th of July in the USA is all about celebrating America, and what better way to celebrate than with fireworks?! Except what happens when they fail to launch? What kind of 4th of July is that?! Just like in the Season Finale of The Simpsons this year, Homer works to get Fireworks for Springfield on the 4th! Except as always…someone foils the plan!
So now enough delay…let’s get to walking shall we?
Failure to Launch Pt.1
Homer: Apu, $100 worth of your most illegal poorly-made fireworks, please!
Apu: With federal agent Rex Banner snooping around town, I can no longer play the fireworks game. This Independence Day, the only laws I plan on breaking relate to food safety and price gouging.
Homer: The government can’t take away our fireworks just because they’re illegal! Last time I checked a little document called the U.S. Constitution guaranteed us the right to break any law we want, whenever we feel like it.
Apu: It most explicitly does not.
Homer: Exactly! If we can’t buy fireworks, then w’ll just have to make them ourselves.
Build Giuseppe’s Workshop- $5,000, 24hr Build
Failure to Launch Pt. 2
Homer: Giuseppe Granfinali, it’s your lucky day. Most characters as minor as you never get to see Springfield again. Although that’s less and less true all the time. Anyway, we want you to build the most ear-rattling, eyeball-bludgeoning, nose-somehow-obliterating fireworks ever made.
Lisa: Would it help to have an extra set of hands? I got an “A” in second grade chemistry this year.
Giuseppe: Chemistry? What-a the hell-a is that?
Lisa: What…you make your living playing with gunpowder all your life, and you have no idea what it’s made of?
Giuseppe: Ground-up demon, I always assume. Okay, find me some-a books on this “chemistry”. Real old and out-of-date, like -a me.
Lisa: Finally, a need only a second-rate public school library can fulfill!
Skinner: Sixth-rate, actually. We just got our certification as a sixth-rate facility yesterday. We’re very proud.
Reach Level 9 and Build Springfield Elementary
Make Lisa Read Outdated Chemistry Books- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Make Giuseppe Stock Up on ‘Fertilizer’-4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Failure to Launch Pt. 3
Lisa: Mr. Granfinali, are we going to start making the fireworks anytime soon?
Giuseppe: What does it LOOK-a like I’m a doing?!
Lisa: Sitting in a rocking chair having an animated argument with no one at all.
Giuseppe: That’s-a how I create my fireworks! I talk it-a over with the ghosts of all-a my brothers. Once there were-a fifteen Granfinali boys. Now only Giuseppe. All the others, gone. Blown up to God.
Lisa: Are you sure you want to solicit advice from ghosts that died in fireworks accidents?
Giuseppe: They tell-a Giuseppe what NOT to do. That is, when they are not screaming. Apparently, getting- a blown up hurts bad, even after you’re dead.
Lisa: Very comforting.
Make Giuseppe Invent a New Firework- 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
Make Lisa Mix Dangerous Chemicals- 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
Failure to Launch Pt. 4
Giuseppe: Mama Mia! I just-a got an inspection-a notice from Town Hall. When they find-a the ‘works, they gonna take-a them away!
Homer: This time the government has gone too far. If I can bring a loaded AR-15 into a nursery school — and thanks to the patriotism of dedicated nutcases, I can — why can’t I build explosives for pleasure?
Giuseppe: To be fair. fireworks and firearms… they are not-a the same.
Homer: Well, they can both kill people. And THAT means I should be able to do whatever I want with them. I’ll send out word that the government is trying to stop an honest citizen from playing with gunpowder. You watch what happens.
Giuseppe: Oh boy…
Make Giuseppe Host a Fireworks Support Rally- 2hrs, Earns $110, 27xp
Make Republicans Attend the Fireworks Support Rally– x5. Send 5 Republicans to attend the support Rally. Earns $110, 27xp non-premium characters, $175, 40xp premium characters. Here’s a list of who you can send:
Krusty, Dr. Hibbert, Rich Texan, Mr. Costington, Wolfcastle, Mr. Burns, Herman, Fat Tony, Legs, Louie, Cletus, Chalmers, Homer, Rev. Lovejoy, Brandine, Kang, Kearney
Giuseppe: The fireworks…they are-a gone!
Lisa: What’s happened?!
Giuseppe: While we were demonstrating somebody broke in and stole-a them. All our precious explode-o’s balmmers, and fizzle-booms…gone!
Failure to Launch Pt. 5
Lisa: Who would steal fireworks? Think, Lisa!
Giuseppe: Fear not. My family has an ancient, secret method for recovering lost fireworks. You see, the firework, she wants to be with others of her kind.
Lisa: Uh…that seems unlikely. But go on…
Giuseppe: We use the littler firecracker on find-a the big firework. Take-a the firecracker. Light-a the firecracker. Throw-a the firecracker.
Giuseppe: If you hear a super-big KA-BOOM!, you have found-a the missing fireworks. If not, move on and a-try again.
Lisa: And you say this is an ancient family technique?
Giuseppe: My sisters were the fireworks finders in the family. But they are all dead now.
Lisa: Let me guess– blown up by fireworks?
Giuseppe: Yes. What are the odds?
Homer: I’ve got my firework finding gear. Let’s go!
Make Giuseppe Search for Stolen Fireworks- 24hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Make Homer Search for Stolen Fireworks– 24hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Failure to Launch Pt. 6
Homer: The heck with it. If we don’t have explosions and the real possibility of accidental death, the Fourth is ruined. I’m just going to go to work.
Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. There are a a few cans of lighter fluid in the garage. We could light those on fire and see what happens! That’ll make for a great America’s Birthday!
Homer: Nah. American stinks. We had a good run, but it’s over. It’s Ceylon’s turn now.
Lisa: I hate to see you so down. Tel you what — start a trash-can fire at work. Maybe it’ll cause a runaway inferno, and you can salvage what’s left of Independence Day.
Homer: Thanks, sweetie. Yeah, work is usually good for an explosion or two. Thank God I’m such a lousy safety inspector.
Reach Level 11 and Build the Cooling Tower
Make Homer “Safety” do his Job– 16hrs, $500, 125xp
Homer: Woo-hoo! Work was great! Mr. Burns let me have a whole box of donuts if I promised not to tell anyone that he’s been using stolen fireworks for fuel.
Homer: I know. It’s ridiculous, right? A whole box of donuts just for me…
Rewards TWO DONUTS
Failure to Launch Pt. 7
Lisa: So! The man heind these mysterious thefts is none other than Mr. Burns! The very SAME Mr. Burns who is, without fail, behind absolutely every nefarious act in this town!
Homer: Tell me about it. The whole time I’m thinking, “it’s probably Mr. Burns, but we’re not really doing THAT story again, are we?” And THEN I thought: “Well, if it DOES turn out to be Mr. Burns, for sure don’t point out how it’s ALWAYS Mr. Burns, because that just makes it seem EVEN WORSE.” But then YOU pointed it out, so I pointed it out, and now it’s all anyone can think about. Which is unfortunate.
Giuseppe: Well, if-a Mr. Burns is the bad guy, then I’m-a gonna have words with him right now!
Homer: Ooh – I love when Italians get mad. They can say a thousand swears with their hands alone! Watch and learn, Lis!
Make Giuseppe Confront Mr. Burns- 6hrs, Earns $450, 110xp
Make Homer Butt into Giuseppe’s Business- 6hrs, Earns $225, 55xp
Giuseppe: Give-a me back my fireworks, evil skeleton!
Mr. Burns: And have them turned into a weapon against me? No, I’m not keen to see rockets exploding on my front porch.
Homer: We don’t want to shoot them at you, silly! It’s the sky we want to blow up. And the sky’s no-good friend: clouds.
Mr. Burns: I’m not talking about you. I simply can’t afford to have these find explodables end up in the hands of my family’s mortal enemies.
Cletus: Hi, Homer! Hi, Lisa! Hi, Italian person! And hello to you, Burnsy. Or should I call you…Dead Man?
Mr. Burns: Yes, everyone it’s true. The Spuckler clan and the Burns clan are a-feudin’ agin. The Burnses have fought the Spucklers down through the generations. At times the feud merely simmers. But it always flares snew at the slightest provocation.
Homer: Mr. Burns! I didn’t realize you came from hillbilly stock.
Mr. Burns: Oh, I don’t. A mere three generations ago, the Spucklers were our rivals in Philadelphia high society. They were one of the richest, most erudite families in America.
Cletus: Ay-yup. Then my grand pappy lost his railroad, and pretty soon we’s eatin’ shoe leather and possum and findin’ we likes the taste!
Mr. Burns: Our family, fortunes may have diverged, but our hands are so steeped in Spuckler blood, and their hands in ours, that we will never truly live in peace.
Cletus: Sad but true. Well, I’m off. Kill ya later, Burns!
Mr. Burns: Kill you later, Cletus! Tell Brandine I’ll kill her later, too!
Cletus: Will do!
Failure to Launch Pt. 8
Giuseppe: Well, all is not-a lost. I have a special surprise for you, Lisa.
Lisa: You don’t mean…
Giuseppe: Yes! We are ready to show-a off our new firework!
Lisa: This is so exciting!
Giuseppe: You’re-a telling me! I’ve never fired spend-a nuclear fuel rods into the atmosphere before!
Lisa: I wish I didn’t know that’s what was happening.
Make Giuseppe Show-Off a New Invention- 1hr, Earns $70, 17xp
What did YOU think of the Failure to Launch questline? Were you happy to see Giuseppe in the game? Did you enjoy the Spuckler/Burns twist? Sound off in the comments below, you know we LOVE hearing from you!