Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Tap Ball is officially over in Springfield, but we’ve got a ton of new sporty Springfield residents in our towns! Including several new premium options like Football Nelson, Jockey Bart, Furious D & Toreador Grampa!
While we’ve had the questlines up for each character for a while now, we thought now would be a fun time to take a look back at all the dialogue and jokes of the character questlines that popped up during Tap Ball. Especially since many of you have been requesting this over the last few days! So if you missed any of the dialogue during the event, or you’re just curious what one of the characters had to say that you didn’t unlock…we’ve got it all here for you!
So let’s get started with the complete dialogue walkthroughs for all of the premium Tap Ball Players that hit our game during the event…we’ll get things rolling with Football Nelson (since he was the first to join the team)…
The Full Nelson Pt. 1
Nelson: Hey, Simpson! How come the field is measured in feet instead of Nelson steps?
Bart: It’s not my sport. My Dad invented it. If you want to change the rules, go bully him.
Nelson: Maybe I will! I’ll bully him good!
Bart: Yes. Oh my God, yes. This is fantastic. Can I watch?
Nelson: He’s your dad. If you want to watch him get humiliated by a child, I got no right to say no.
Make Football Nelson Bully Homer- 4hrs, Earns 4 , 70xp
Make Bart Chuckle to Himself- 4hrs, Earns 4, 70xp
The Full Nelson Pt. 2
Homer: Listen up, team. I’m not going to sugar coat this — you’re terrible Tap Ball players, and therefore terrible people.
Apu: Mr. Homer, I am still not entirely clear on what I’m supposed to do with this bowling ball.
Homer: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO WIN, THAT’S WHAT!
Lisa: Maybe if the rules didn’t change every five minutes, we could get better.
Homer: IT’S THE SIMPLEST GAME EVER INVENTED! NOW WIN! APU, BOWL THAT BALL! BART, PUTT THE BOOMERANG INTO THE THING! NELSON, GO LONG! LISA THROW THE SOCCERBALL TO NELSON! I mean, I just can’t make it any simpler for you people.
Make Soccer Lisa Kick the Soccer Ball- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
Make Football Nelson Go Long- 4hrs, Earns 4 , 70xp
Make Pin Pal Apu Bowl for Goal- 4hrs, Earns 4 , 45xp
Homer: YES! THAT’S IT! NOW WE’RE PLAYING SOME TAP BALL!
The Full Nelson Pt. 3
Homer: Okay, team. You’ve really been looking sharp lately. I want to try a new play. Bart, run a hook-and-ladder. Nelson, you track down the Golden Snitch. Lisa, bunt the ball for a home run.
Lisa: I understood precisely none of that.
Homer: One-two-three hike!
Nelson: What am I supposed to do, again?
Homer: I said hike! The hike has happened! Now go go go!
Make Bart Run Into the Fence- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Make Lisa Trip Over the Ball- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Make Football Nelson Yell Angrily- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Homer: I’m just…not…getting….through to you people.
Lisa: I’d like to suggest that maybe you’re an awful coach.
Homer: That can’t be it. No, we should just run the play again until we get it right.
Lisa: But nobody understands–
Homer: One-two-three hike!
The Full Nelson Pt. 4
Lisa: It’s weird. I still have no idea how Tap Ball works, but I can somehow tell we’re awful at it.
Bart: Eh, as long as Dad’s unhappy, I’m happy.
Lisa: Well, I’m sorry, but if I’m going to do something, I want to do it well.
Bart: It’s weird that the same DNA could make a you and a me.
Lisa: We were doing so well before, though. What’s the secret?
Bart: All I know is, I tend to do my best when Nelson threatens to kick my butt if I don’t. I’ve never really found any other reason to do well at anything.
Lisa: He is a strangely good motivator…
Make Homer Eavesdrop on the Kids- 1hr, Earns 1, 17xp
The Full Nelson Pt. 5
Homer: Gather ‘round, team! I’ve figured out how to make us great. Let’s run the same play as before. This time, though, I’m authorizing Nelson to atomic wedgie anyone who messes up. No team can succeed if it doesn’t bully itself. It worked for John Wooden’s UCLA basketball teams, and it can work for us. Seriously, watch the tapes. If anyone ever missed a shot, the young Lew Alcindor would subtly purple nurple him on the way back up the court.
Make Lisa Kick the Ball- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
Make Pin Pal Apu Bowl the Ball- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
Make Bart Throw the Ball- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
Make Football Nelson Score a Ball Down- 8hrs, Earns 8, 105xp
Jockey Bart & Furious D
D Biscuit Pt. 1
Bart: Duncan! My old racehorse! You’re back! Whaddya say? Should we get back on the track? And then make another visit to the secret underground lair of the murderous jockeys?
Duncan: *shakes head*
Bart: Yeah, I guess not. Nobody was too crazy about it the first time. Kind of a misstep, they all said.
Duncan: *nods emphatically*
Bart: Well lets find what it is that you do want to do.
Make Jockey Bart and Furious D Find a Hobby- 24hrs, Earns 48 , 450xp (requires both Bart and Furious D)
D Biscuit Pt. 2
Bart: We’ve tried skeet shooting, BASE jumping, gin rummy… I’m running out of ideas. What DO horses enjoy?
Duncan: *assumes cool pose*
Bart: Just walk around looking cool, huh? Well, it is about all I’m qualified to do.
Make Jockey Bart Whip Around Town- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 150xp
Make Furious D Be Cool- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 150xp
D Biscuit Pt. 3
Bart: Last time I saw you, D, you were running off with that lady horse. What happened with you two?
Bart: Yeah, buying a house is tough. Don’t feel bad — the stress causes a lot of couples to break up. Let’s commiserate, over a meal that’s most likely made from a relative of yours.
Make Jockey Bart Eat at Krusty Burger- 30m, Earns 1, 25xp
Make Furious D Eat at Krusty Burger- 30m, Earns 1, 25xp
D Biscuit Pt. 4
Bart: See, I just think you need to get back in the saddle. Or, under the saddle, in this case. That filly had you wrapped around her hoof so tight, you forgot that you’re born to run. What do you say? Should we go for a practice run?
Duncan: *makes a gesture that, when it comes from a horse, means “I don’t know, Bart. It’s been so long.”*
Bart: Just a quick gallop around town.
Make Jockey Bart Ride Around Town- 4hrs, Earns 8, 140xp (Requires both Bart and Furious D)
D Biscuit Pt. 5
Bart: You still got it, D! That’s it! I’m gonna find us a race to enter at Springfield Downs!
Make Jockey Bart Check the Race Schedule- 1hr, Earns 1, 26xp
Bart: There’s a race on today D! We can so win this!
Duncan: *another gesture, meaning: “Though the outcome is anything but certain, I can no longer deny what I am.”*
Bart: Hehehe, classic D!
D Biscuit Pt. 6
Bart: All right, D! Let’s break the track record!
Duncan: *neighs. Translation: “I shall make every effort to reward your confidence in me, my young friend.”*
Make Jockey Bart Ride Furious D Around the Track- 24hrs, Earns 24, 225xp
Make Furious D Run Around the Track- 24hrs, Earns 24, 225xp
Bart: How come we’re the only horse in this race?
Duncan: *neighs. Translation: “Maybe the obese policeman will know why.”*
Wiggum: I sure do know why! D is the only horse in Springfield. Lisa had a pony once, but we haven’t gotten around to that story yet.
Krusty: Shut up, all of you! I got a thousand bucks on this one-horse race!
The Abe-ador Pt. 1
Abe: Bart, did I ever tell you about the time I was a Spanish bullfighter?
Bart: Honestly, what’s the best way to stop this story before it starts? Be straight with me, man.
Abe: You don’t believe me, is that it? Well, I’ll prove it to ya! El Matador Americano Stupido is back! First I’ll need a red cape. The confessional booths in the church have those lovely red curtains. Just the color a bull loves to charge…
Make Toreador Abe Steal Confessional Curtains- 1hr, Earns 1, 26xp
The Abe-ador Pt. 2
Abe: Now, the key to bullfighting is to get the bulls good and mad at ya. An angry bull makes mistakes. You gotta know how to insult a bull. Remember that bulls don’t understand English. They speak Spanish. Which is why the best bullfighters are all Spaniards. Let me show you how it’s done.
Bart: Umm… Grampa, I don’t know where you’re going to find bulls around here.
Abe: I don’t know what you’re talking about boy, they’re everywhere!
Make Toreador Abe Taunt Springfielders- 4hrs, Earns 4, 70xp
The Abe-ador Pt. 3
Abe: Now, once the bull is hoppin’ mad at ya, he’ll charge. That’s when you stick him with your sword, and wait for him to bleed to death.
Bart: As a general rule, I approve of all violence. But even I think this sport is disturbing.
Abe: I need to get me a sword. Isn’t there a pirate that lives down by the shore?
Bart: The Sea Captain? He’s no pirate. I think he mainly leads whale-watching daytrips. Not a happy man.
Abe: He talks like a pirate. That whole “argh” thing.
Bart: Yeah, and it’s annoying. Funny, you don’t see him around much anymore, do you? It’s like everybody just decided all at once they were tired of him.
Abe: It happens. Disco Stu went that way. Sad. But, back to the mission at hand — time to steal some swords!
Reach Level 15 and Build the Frying Dutchman
Make Abe Steal Swords from the Sea Captain- 12hrs, Earns 12, 150xp
The Abe-ador Pt. 4
Abe: Got my sword, and I’m ready to execute some majestic animals in the slowest, most painful way possible, to the delight of everyone!
Bart: Hey, watch it with that sword. You’re swinging it around like a maniac.
Abe: “Maniac” is my trademark! The crowd loved me because I was just as likely to kill myself as the bull. Most of me is replacement limbs stitched on by Spanish surgeons after I hacked off parts of my body. Lotta Dr. Frankenstein-types in Spain. Wonderful country, Spain. Great food, great architecture, and great Frankensteins.
Make Toreador Abe Practice Swordsmanship- 24hrs, Earns 24, 225xp
Wiggum: Abe! You can’t wave a sword around in public! Now, if it was an AR-15 assault rifle you were brandishing, that would be fine. It would be especially fine if you were to carry it openly into a restaurant —- as if you were desperate for someone to challenge your Constitutional right to be a scary creep. Assault rifles are how we defend freedom and stop bad guys from ever committing any crimes. It’s why crime has ceased to exist — because everybody is armed to the teeth. But a SWORD???????? Swords are dangerous!
Homer: Aw, come on, Clancy. When he’s slicing and dicing, he’s not talking. And when he’s not talking, my life is wonderful.
Wiggum: Fine. But if he hurts anyone, YOU have to arrest him. AND do the investigating and statement-taking and all that yucky police work stuff.
The Abe-ador Pt. 5
Abe: Hey! Why am I waving a sword around? What’s this cape around my neck?
Bart: You were being a bullfighter. Just like in the old days.
Abe: I was never a bullfighter! How could I possibly have had time, when I was the world’s most celebrated pesterer of convenience store shoppers? Here, let me show you how it’s done…
Make Toreador Abe Pester People in Kwik-E-Mart- 8hrs, Earns 8, 105xp
And there you have it my friends…all the premium fun of Tap Ball!
Did you enjoy rereading all the dialogue from the Tap Ball Premium characters? Were there any parts you missed? Any jokes you didn’t catch the first time around? Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!