Silly Simpsons: Homerisms

So… one of the things you may not know about the blog is that we’re always writing things for those times we feel like we need “filler”.  Some get posted quick… others sit until it’s their turn to be birthed into the blog world. Alissa works her tail off on this site so it’s nice when she can just grab a post.  While down-time in TSTO can be great for redesigns, catching up on older content, etc., it can be a challenge to keep posts coming for the readers who enjoy the site.

This post is an example of one of those filler posts.  I found myself wondering what could be interesting that could sit in drafts to be posted whenever yet still be enjoyable for YOU and I think I figured it out.Naked Homer Running

That’s right!  Homer.  One of our original banners on the site was none other than him streaking across the screen.  While it’s hard to just narrow down one description or write a post about him (I know, I tried way back in 2013), I thought it could just be fun to share some of my favorite Homer Jay Simpson quotes with you.  This list is certainly not all-inclusive list but I thought it was a good one.  Enjoy!

• Operator! Give me the number for 911!

• You’re my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won’t final resort to lend me money.

hugs and homer fight 4

• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

• Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

• Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Matt Trying to Erase Homer

• I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.

• Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

• Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.


• Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’

• Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Homer pulling stone

• Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

• You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

• Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.


• When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

• I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Homer Ninja 1

• [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.


• Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it’s time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Mayan Homer perform dance

• When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

• I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!


• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

• I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

Cool Homer style goatee

• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

• It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

unlock ice cream homer

• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Homer Barbarian Commanding Troops

• Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

• How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?


• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

• Homer no function beer well without.

• I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.


• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.


• I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

• Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.

Homer donut torture device 1

• All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

• Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

Grumple Fight Homer

• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

• I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

• Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.


• Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

• If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.

• I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

• ‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

Marge and Homer romantic

What do you think of the list?  Have a favorite Homer quote I didn’t include? Already I’m dying to add to the list but 52 is more than enough.  I’ll just keep reminding my Lady that she has “real purty hair.”  Add your thoughts/favorites/ other quotes below and keep on keeping on like the classy folks I know you to be.

TTFN… Wookiee out!

73 responses to “Silly Simpsons: Homerisms

  1. If God didn’t want us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.

  2. Beer. Now there’s a theporary solution

  3. Corey B. Larson

    Homer: Lisa, you don’t make friends with salad. *chanting in conga line* You don’t make friends with salad, you don’t make friends with salad….

  4. In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

  5. johnnyicemaker

    Spider-Pig. Spider-Pig. Does Whatever a Spider-Pig Does. Can he swing from a web? No he can’t, he’s a pig. Lookout. He is a Spider-Pig.

  6. I think this is my favourite Homer moment!

    Homer: Huh — wha — Lisa! What’s up?
    Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
    Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
    Lisa: Well, I know it’s absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he’s hiding under —
    Homer: AAAHHHHH! BOOGIE MAN! You nail the windows shut, I’ll get the gun!
    [Homer kicks open the door to Bart’s room]
    Homer: Bart, I don’t want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!

    It makes me giggle everytime I think about it!

  7. I have three kids and no money.
    Why can’t I have no kids and three money?

  8. “I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?!”

    “All work and no beer makes Homer something something” “Go crazy?” “DON’T MIND IF I DO”

    Also the obligatory pinchy quotes:
    “🎶Oh Mr. Pinchy, I made you some risotto🎶”
    “Pinchy got all dirty chasing birds in the yard so I made him a nice hot bath”

    • Hey, Mini – I have a couple of new openings in my neighborhood…would you like to be neighbors? If so, please send me an invite and I’ll be happy to accept! I don’t promise never to tag (although I don’t go out of my way to do so), but I will visit at least 2-3 times a week (and hope you’d do the same). If I’ve already asked you this before and we’ve recently had this conversation (I have a feeling that might be the case), I apologize…my memory is kinda embarrassingly crappy these days. Just take it as a compliment that I wanted to ask you twice, lol! 😉

      • Hi Sandra! I think you asked me last week but I’m not 100% sure I responded. But I’m certainly flattered by the offer! I’d love to be neighbours, but I don’t know if I’m the kind of neighbour you’re looking for. I don’t visit nearly as much as I should (if any of my neighbours are reading, I’m sorry and thanks for not dropping me!) as I’m busy with school and health stuff. Although I plan to start up again, perhaps setting aside an hour a week just for visiting. The other thing is my town is a total mess, no coherent design whatsoever. I haven’t even placed many roads apart from a landing strip – yes, I’m terrible. I’ll likely do some designing this summer, as there haven’t been many lulls (in game or in life) where I’ve had time. I know your spots are few and far between and I want you to fill it with someone that I’d the best fit for you.

  9. Lisa: “I’m going to become a vegetarian” Homer: “Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?”
    Lisa: “Yes”
    Homer: “Bacon?”
    Lisa: “Yes Dad”
    Homer: “Ham?”
    Lisa: “Dad all those meats come from the same animal”
    Homer: “Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!””

  10. SailorAlphaCentauri

    It’s not a Homer quote, but it is my favorite Simpsons quote: “Oh! It’s a donkey!”

  11. “You have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel..”

  12. My gravatar picture is from my senior year of high school back in 2000, after I had lost nearly 30lbs. I’m much more health concious now, but used to be a fat kid in high school. One of my favourite
    Homer quotes is:

    “All my life I’ve been an obese man trapped inside a fat man’s body.”

  13. Marge : “Homer that’s not God, that’s just a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.”
    Homer : “Lord I know I shouldn’t eat thee but, …yyummmm Sacralicious.”

  14. Mmmmmm, chocolate.

  15. You’re in California, right, Wookiee? Because you wrote it as “purty” but I noticed it’s often “purdy”. Maybe it’s just us Californians.

  16. “Lousy Smarch weather!!” I use that one all winter!!

  17. “D’OH!”

    – believe it or not, this guttural phrase was used back in the 50s, but it wasn’t until Homer popularized its usage on The Simpsons that it became an official part of the english lexicon.

    “It was a tumultuous time for our nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek. And the domestication of the dog continued unabated.”

    – Season 6 Episode 13 “And Maggie Makes Three” (aired 1/22/95)

  18. To Mr Burns:”here are your messages. You have 30 minutes to move your car ; You have 10 minutes ; Your car has been impounded ; Your car has been crushed into a cube ; You have 30 minutes to move your cube.”
    Y’ello, Mr Burns office?
    Mr Burns : “is it about my cube?”

    • My favorite I was going to look that up but got lazy

      • I used to download a bunch of those quotes in mp3 version and use them as my start up sound on Windows, this particular one was one of my favorites, along with the “full” version of the “any key” where he reads the “ctrl” and “pgup” buttons!

  19. “These people are the glue that holds together the gears of our society.”

    “To Bart at the beach house, talking about Milhouse:
    You got friends. You got this dud here. Stand up for yourself Poindexter.”

    Thanks for making my day. I’m at work and had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

  20. Alwaysbesurfing

    “I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty odors — oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?””

  21. “Because they’re stupid, that’s why. That’s why everybody does everything.”
    (Singing to the tune of The Flintstones) “Simpson! Homer Simpson! He’s the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He’s about to hit a chestnut tree!”
    “You’re not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization.”
    “Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip!”
    “I wasn’t asleep! I was drunk!”
    “Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. ‘Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.’ Now let’s go to back to that… building…thingy.. where our beds and TV… is.”
    “Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.”

    Okay, I think that’s enough. 😀

  22. I hate when I hit the Unsubscribe link by accident…any idea how to resubscribe to emails for comments? I thought maybe if I made a new comment, the option to subscribe would be back, but it’s not. 🙁

  23. Family meeting! Family meeting! (the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats) Okay, people, let’s keep this short. We all want to get home to our families. (everyone laughs)

  24. justinmwat151

    “It’s always something isn’t it Lisa. First I have to drive your pregnant mother to the hospital to give birth to you, and now this”

    “Homercles cares not for beans”

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