Dear EA – P.S.

I hesitated to open up this can of worms again, but the final frames of the this update pushed me over the edge. And while I thought it would be funny to do a “fake news” post about angry TSTO players leaving sheep’s heads at the gates of EA headquarters in San Francisco in protest, I thought better of it.  After all…if two major countries can get into a recent preemptive twitter showdown over nuclear power over a fake news article, there is no telling what would happen if I fomented the fires of passion over this less-than-holiday update, and the final poke in the heart thrown out by the EA/Gracie programmers.

Instead, I will simply add a P.S. to the previous “venting letters” I wrote, which allowed you to write “I agree” in response, to get your emotions quelled and back to a “happy place” in the update.

Before I start, I want to re-emphasize that I do not have any issue with the basic concept of “trying something different” as it pertains to a “Winter/Holiday” update.  And yes, while there are billions of Christians who lay claim to this time of year by nature of annual credit card debt, it doesn’t mean that the  “hundreds of thousands of practising Wiccans around the globe” (according to WIKI) should be ignored.

However, as I will point out in the “P.S.” to EA, there are still limitations to how far we are to be pushed outside the realm of good taste and common sense.

See if you agree with me…

Dear EA,

I’ve tried. I really have. I am a tolerant person, and was more than willing to give your “experiment”  (an alternative Winter Update) a chance by  looking at the Winter/Holiday season with open eyes and heart.  I realize that there are far more cultural traditions than Christianity, and that this time of year is claimed by a large number of faiths and beliefs which find their roots in similar rituals.  All good.

I even went so far as to watch the entire “The Nightmare After Krustmus” episode, frame by frame, looking for the inside jokes that made their way into TSTO.  Of the roughly 22 minutes of actual animated programming, there was less than 2 minutes dedicated to the “Pagan Festival” on which most of this update was based.

Yes. I’ll admit it. I laughed at a bunch of the quick funny bits, once I froze the frame.

The opening scene when the Reverend calls Springfield a “Good Christian Town” was perfectly timed. We see the $5 antler rental in the foreground.

I chuckled when I saw the “Graven Images while you wait” sign. I’ve never really understood a religion that is so afraid of statues and trinkets…unless it is the fear that they will lose market share on the mass merchandise of crosses, rosaries and saint medals being sold in millions of gift shops around the world.

Dunk the Monk is still on my wish list, although I’ll use a softball rather than a human skull to trigger it. After all…what is this…an Ozzie Osborne concert?

Who doesn’t laugh at Ralph and his Dad getting their tongues stuck in Jack Frosts’s Ice Garden?  But the surprise “freeze frame moment” was discovering a Stevie Nicks ice sculpture in the background.  Oh Stevie…you make Wicca so sexy…

With the plethora of television shows and series out this year based on Near Death Experiences and coming back from the dead (can anyone please explain the Netflix series “The OA” to me?), nothing says “funny” and ambiguous like “temporary eternity.”

And finally…while it is a pretty violent image, watching Satyr Willie devour the heart of the Devil Snowman has a twinge of silly to it, and is in some small way offers retribution for making us watch 50 years of “Frosty the Snowman” every Christmas. Worst. Christmas. TV. Special. Ever.

But then, you went too far. Yes. I get that you do all sorts of “edgy” stuff during the Halloween episodes.  Yes, I realize that the only rule regarding “going too far” in the Simpsons is that you can’t go too far…but, you went too far.

Maggie…dear, sweet, beautiful little Maggie, would never, ever, in a million years, take pleasure in repeatedly cutting the head off of a little lamb, pushing the head back to the body, and then sever it again and again. And no. I don’t buy that it is a “stuffed toy.” There are no tags. No cute button eyes. Just a dead sheep.

Sorry. That is pushing the boundaries of credulity too far!

I mean…Maggie wouldn’t even allow Gerald to squish butterflies!  Do you REALLY think that she would take pleasure in cutting the head off of a little lamby?

Yes. I know. She shot Burns.  But, it was BURNS for Jebus’ sake! EVERYONE wants to shoot Burns!

I admit it. There were some high points (the Singing Stones), and a couple of funny decorations. But for the most part, this entire update feels like you were forced to do it…under fear of getting sued for discrimination by the lone Wiccan dude in the office.

Was it Rowan?  He always gave me the shivers… I mean who wears a sock monkey hat in 80 degree California weather??? Didn’t you see it coming when he left the “Pigeon Pie” in the office fridge for a week, with a label, “do not eat until Solstice” on it?

Yes. I get it. Making fun of him to the point where he may have filed a grievance with H.R. wasn’t exactly the wisest move. But did you have to capitulate by allowing him to plan the WHOLE WINTER EVENT???  Sheesh. Rowan. He brings everyone down with his talk about “Mother Earth” and responsible recycling.

I get it, EA.  Rowan had an idea, and he had that letter from HR (which he taped to the office fridge), so you felt like you HAD to let him have his day in the spotlight. But, Maggie. You let him twist up little Maggie…first allowing Rowan to tie her to the top of a pagan tree (aka Christmas tree) in the biting, bitter cold, for hours on end…and then forcing her to dismember a cute little lamb in an animal sacrifice ritual.  Shameful.

But, the final, final, final straw???  Once again, telling all of us TSTO players to be happy with whatever you give us…and get over it. Pfffffffffttttttt….. YOU GET OVER IT when we don’t spend donuts on Rowan’s version of Winter/Christmas/Holidays.

Yes. We are a greedy lot this time of year. We want lots of fun, interesting, unique stuff…and we want it all!


OK. So you got us there…

But, to once again INSULT US when we aren’t happy with the weird offerings that Rowan came up with is going too far!!

So, in final summation of how I feel about letting Rowan put Maggie through a virtual hell of ambiguity, when she is just supposed to be hiding to give us free bonuts, I will let her do the talking….

That’s right, EA. Suck!

PS.PS. I can’t wait for the next update!!!  Whoohooo!!!!

Respectfully yours,
CrankyOldPatric