Let’s just start off with the reality that St. Patrick’s Day is pretty much a huge drunk-fest. The real origins have long been forgotten, and in the hotbed of American Irish Catholic cities (NYC, Boston, Pittsburgh etc.), it is a weirdly non-Christian/Christian celebration with a history of exclusion that makes one scratch his head…but, mostly because his head is numb from drinking too much green beer. It gets even more convoluted on Columbus Day…but, that is an entirely different kind of alcohol, without the food coloring. But, I digress…
The episode on which most of the St. Patrick’s Day/Homer -vs-The 18th Amendment Green/Beer/Shamrock stuff, is from an episode of the same name. No. Not Shamrock Stuff…but, Homer vs the 18th Amendment (S8E18).
You wanna have a full-blown…real-deal booze fest? Then buckle in kids…because this episode is loaded…as in smashed…trashed…and besotted.
It all starts out with Kent O’Brockman, covering the St. Patty’s Day Parade from Main Street!
Brockman: Kent O’Brockman live on Main Street where today everyone is a little bit Irish except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.
There’s an explosion… which is a “tip ‘o the mug” to the “Irish unpleasantness between the English Protestants and Irish Catholics.” In defense of the writers…this was not long after the REAL stuff finally ended with a treaty in 1994…ending almost a century of unrest and civil destruction.
Wiggum: All right, then. Move along. – Nothin’ to see here. – Show’s over, folks.
During the celebration mayhem, Bart accidentally gets drunk. Really. It WAS an accident! But, it causes a huge uproar…with mothers going nuts about protecting the children.
Duff Beer CEO Howard K Duff, introduces new Duff Zero, which is a non-alcoholic version of real Duff…
Howard: No, we’re not worried. Our customers buy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. I predict our new alcohol-free Duff Zero will sell even better than our previous brand.
30 minutes later they are out of business…
Howard: Oh! [Grunts] Well, that’s the end of me.
Angry Mob: We demand you bring in a police chief who will enforce the prohibition law.
Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
Wiggum: Uh, election in November.
Mob: Election in November.
Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.
[Narrator] With rum-running hoodlums in the catbird seat Springfield sent for the one man who could clean up the town and shoot the gangsters- Rex Banner.
MEANWHILE… Homer and Bart have gone to the dump to dig up and remove countless barrels of beer that have been buried there by the authorities to get it off of the streets. Homer concocts an elaborate plan to put the beer in bowling balls…send it down a series of ramps, and deliver it straight to Moe’s “Pet Shop” (the front for his speak-easy), from the bowling ally.
During an interrogation scene, we see Rex with his famous “Banana Kaboom!” dessert. Which is one of my favorite Rex tasks in the game.
The scene when Banner tries to break things up at the “Pet Shop.”
BUT IN A TWIST YOU NEVER SAW COMING…
Wiggum is fired by Banner…but redeems himself when Homer agrees to turn himself in. However…the punishment for the 200-year old law against bootlegging, is “Catapulting.”
Marge with Homer in Bed: Your homemade liquor is exploding again…You made some money and had the fun of being a wanted criminal. Why not quit now while you’re ahead? – [Explosion]
Homer agrees to turn himself into Wiggum…and humiliate Banner…
Banner: I’m happy to report that the flow of illegal liquor seems to have dried up public drunkenness has ceased, and those mysterious liquor clouds over Evergreen Terrace are gone.
CROWD: Chief Wiggum has captured the Beer Baron. They captured Homer? Then the liquor-filled bowling balls traveled through a network of underground pipes finally emerging at a nearby speakeasy. Marge: That was a very sweet thing you did for poor Wiggum. But what’s gonna happen to you?
Homer: Oh, probably just a slap on the wrist.
Town Clerk: “And he who shall violate this law shall be punished by catapult.
Homer: Last time I help you.
Wiggum: Sorry. I thought you’d get a fine or at most, three, four years in jail.
Banner: Hold it! This machine is two centuries old. Better test it first.
Cat is sent Cat-apulting!
Marge: Wait! Wait! You can’t do this! All my husband did was violate a law that doesn’t make sense. Now, I’ll admit, car crashes and fistfights have been down recently but prohibition has cost us our freedom- our freedom to drink! – Banner: Now, hold on a minute, missy. It’s not up to us to choose which laws we want to obey. If it were, I’d kill everyone who looked at me cockeyed! – Our laws are in place for a reason. (Banner sits down on the catapult while giving this line).
Wiggum: Send him back to Mama, boys. (Banner is catapulted out of town).
Wiggum: Well, reset the catapult, and let’s get this over with.
Town Clerk: Wait! I have discovered more lines on the parchment.
It says that the prohibition law which was passed here 200 years ago was repealed 199 years ago.
Quimby: Release the prisoner! Oh! On behalf of the city, I’d like to apologize and ask how long it will take for you to flood this town with booze again?
ALL of these prizes, and more (parade stuff…shamrocks, etc)
Rex Banner, Damaged Simpson House, Duff Puff,
Unruly Crowd, Bathtub Brewery, Duff Float,
St. Patrick’s Day Banner, Pot O’Gold Float
NOTE: ONE OF THESE IS NOT FROM THIS EPISODE…Do you know which one?
If you guessed the Canadian Crossing…you would be correct. It is from “Midnight Rx” (S6E16) and has NOTHING to do with booze…but is about smuggling legal prescription drugs. Nice work, EA…
There is one more thing that I think EA got wrong…and that is not including the Cat-A-Pult in the returning items! This is hilarious…and not being a huge cat lover, I launch a cat, every time I swing by Crazy Cat Lady’s house.
So there you have it… enough booze-related story telling to last you SEVERAL St. Patrick’s days. And no…I don’t celebrate because my name isn’t spelled the same (Patric without a K is Welsh). It is because I made the mistake of drinking several green beers one year, along with several green cookies, and a bit of green ham…which was just bad, not dyed green. College…it’s the final place where people go to see if they are strong enough to survive their own bad decisions.
Have a Happy, SAFE, St. Patty’s Day!!