When you reach the lofty age of nearly 65, as I have…you are right on the cusp of being able to offer “Sage Advice” for almost any topic. The years, with all of the experience that comes with those years, make you an expert on all sorts of things. Including, “How to Make Your Thanksgiving Wonderful!”
There are really just three pretty basic things to remember to make your Thanksgiving holiday perfect. And I am more than happy to share them with you right now, just in time for the upcoming celebration next week!
Tip #1.
When it comes to the Turkey, stick to the traditional basics! I realize that a couple of generations of younger family think that they have improved on the tried and true methods of the older generations. But trust me, doing the deep fried turkey, or the even more ridiculous Turducken is not only dangerous, but a complete waste of a perfectly good concept! Turkey, Gravy, mashed potatoes, and dressing, with cranberry…what more do you need?
But no matter what kind of turkey you get… MAKE SURE YOU THAW IT PROPERLY!
This is especially important if you ignore my previous admonishment to “Keep it simple” and decide to do a Turducken! If you don’t thaw, and properly cook your birds (especially when they are layered within one another) you and your family could be worshiping the porcelain God, shortly after giving your prayers of thanks. Nobody wants their “Thank God for all you have given us” to turn into “Please God…just let me die!!” as you deal with hours of stomach gymnastics and a complete purge of your Thanksgiving meal.
HERE IS WHY YOU NEED TO BE SMART ABOUT TURDUCKENS!
Let’s break this down. The tipoff should be in the name...it has Turd in it.
So…you stuff a chicken, with a duck, and stuff that inside of a turkey… all of which need to be cooked thoroughly at the proper temperature! What could possibly go wrong with that?
This diagram doesn’t even begin to show how many thermometers you need to have to check three birds inside of one another! It’s like taking a fetal heart rate, if the baby had a baby inside! (Gross…OK…no more fetal talk with cooking talk).
You get the idea. It’s too much risk…too much trouble…and was likely invented by the Uncle who gets drunk and tries to see how may Brussels Sprouts he can stuff into his mouth at one time!
But, my guess is that the same idiot Uncle likely came up with the Deep Fried Turkey!
The alarmingly increased rate of house fires due to idiots trying to deep fry turkeys that aren’t completely thawed, is incredible. Thousands a year. Thousands!!!
So…when it comes to my “perfect thanksgiving meal”, it’s pretty straightforward.
A perfectly cooked turkey (Deb is a master with an old family recipe), stuffing, mashed potatoes, all smothered in cranberry (natural, not canned) and then covered in gravy. PERFECT!
TIP #2
DON’T TALK POLITICS!!!
I know. This seems obvious. But, even when you are in a family that totally agrees on which color hat to wear, you’d be surprised at how worked up and crazy the conversation can get. It may start with an innocuous, seemingly harmless comment like, “So…can you believe the way Stephen Colbert tried to go with a gray beard and dyed dark hair last month?” And the next thing you know, people are throwing chunks of Turducken at one another in raging fits over border crossings and rain-outs at European cemeteries! And that’s people who AGREE on the topics! Let’s face it…if you are going to get sick during a meal, you want it to be from something easy to pinpoint…like the Turducken…and not whether you got worked up to a state of dyspepsia over someone’s choice in facial hair. Just don’t talk about anything related to current events or politics. This should make for a very quiet meal…and make it easier to hear your stomachs begin to rumble when the Turducken kicks in.
Tip #3
Don’t speak ill of anyone who is not present. It’s poor taste to talk about people who can’t defend themselves, especially if they were left off of the guest list for doing something indefensible at the last Thanksgiving meal (like burning down the house while trying to deep-fry a Turducken). You are there to give thanks for all of the blessing that you have received over the past year, not to badmouth Uncle Harry, for choking on the huge mouthful of Brussels Sprouts and ruining the day by having to be hauled off to the ER. He didn’t mean to die. It wasn’t his fault. He was just trying to break the tension over the discussion of crowd sizes at the inauguration!
Finally…take the time to break away and tap. It may just be these secret respites away from the rest of the family that keeps you from being burned by a “Deep Fried Turkey Explosion” or taking that last chunk of poorly cooked Turducken! Who would imagine that tapping could save lives?? Be Thankful for that!
Be safe. Have fun. Be thankful!
Thanks everyone. I belong to few online communities and post even less. Except for this one. I true enjoy reading everone’scomments and ideas and..the family atmosphere. You all do a great job, and for this I am Thankful. Now bring on the Black Friday deals!😎. Happy Thanksgiving.
My cousin and uncle did a deep-fried turkey once, but they did it the smart way. They took the deep fryer outside. (Thanksgiving in Canada is in October so it wasn’t too cold for that.) Very nice turkey and no fries.
Stuffing inside the bird is actually dangerous too. You either overcook the bird or serve stuffing in the danger zone. Just cook it outside the bird.
Patric, I always have to read your posts when I’m by myself… I know I’m inevitably going to laugh out loud… as I did when I read this! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Glad I can bring a guffaw to you! But, where would you be reading it, where laughing is not a good thing?
Thank Shub-Niggurath it’s Saturday, ’cause it’s been a loooong week at work …. great cooking and culinary post, Patric … even though nobody cooks out here (Las Vegas has too many awesome local Resorts, Green Valley Ranch two for $21.99 three course Thanksgiving with leftovers for the 🐱🐱 ‘s – yep, we can walk that off thru Ethel M Chocolate Factory Cactus Garden in all it’s Xmas splendor – can you blame anyone for dining out?)😉👍
Happy 🦃 Day next week my fellow Tappers ( Shub-Niggurath approved! 😂 )
Well…it sounds good, if you are on your own. Nothing beats being surrounded by family…and being able to have a “kid’s table” in the other room!
Butterball turkey.😘the best, yummy, yummy turkey in my tummy…..Lol everyone have a safe and happy thanksgiving. Gobble gobble.
Thank you Patric for the turkey tips 🙂 I’m here in the UK but both of my sons are American Citizens living here so we always celebrate. Our poor oven and is waaaay too small for a lovely big turkey and it never cooks it correctly as it has hot and gold spots 🙁
However, I’ve discovered a way to cook a turkey crown (breast) that doesn’t need a lot of space. I buy a crown with bone in and skin on, pan brown to a golden colour the skin and bottom and then place with a little water in a large crock pot and cook for 8 hours. Comes out delish, nice and moist. If you want a crispy skin, then put in a pre-heated hot oven at it’s highest temperature (gas mark 8 here in the UK) for 10 mins 🙂 If we had a good oven, I’d be doing it the traditional way 😉
I do not know what’s available in the UK, but here you can buy a big electric roaster. It’s effectively just a roasting pan that you plug into the wall outlet, rather than putting it in the oven.
My wife cooks 20-25Lb birds…so the roaster would have to be HUGE! But, it sounds like something worth checking out!
We have something here called a halogen oven that I have. I may try it for Christmas 🙂 sadly only a small bird would probably fit.
Sounds great! For me…it’s as much about the leftovers as the regular bird on TGD. I love turkey sandwiches. Simple. Good bread. Miracle whip (lite) and a spoonful of cranberry sauce. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
My mom makes AMAZING turkey soup. I also agree with the turkey sandwiches – especially if you add cranberry sauce and maybe a little stuffing. YUM.
Yum yum, am hungry for a nice turkey dinner 🍗
Here is another thing to remember about Thanksgiving. It’s not about the turkey or the ham. It’s not about any of the food that is eaten during Thanksgiving, or even Thanksgiving Dinner in general. And it is, especially, NOT ABOUT THE SPORTS!!!!! Thanksgiving is really about being thankful and giving thanks (the food and the sports, specifically football, are just a common misconception that a lot of people have about what Thanksgiving is all about). But that is not the point of my post. My point is that you don’t have to have turkey or ham for Thanksgiving Dinner, especially if you have one or more family members (whether they are immediate family members, or they are visiting family members) who are vegetarian. Just about any major dish of dinner type food can be used as the main course for Thanksgiving Dinner because Thanksgiving Dinner does not need to be “traditional”. All that is needed for Thanksgiving Dinner (for those who can afford it) is any Homer-Simpson-sized, or even better, Garfield-sized, meal (yes, I’m a fan of Garfield The Cat, and I think that he could seriously beat Homer Simpson in an eating contest). I say those meal sizes because, these days, meals that say that they are “family size”, especially the pre-packaged meals that come from a store, are usually not big enough to feed even a family of 2 people (which is how big my family currently is). So, basically, I think that everyone here should save themselves time (and, possibly, money, as well), and prepare a Thanksgiving Dinner that can be done in minutes, NOT hours.
A few years back I had to take over cooking Christmas Eve dinner (with both a ham and a turkey). I had a recipe that involved putting citrus (oranges? lemons? both?) in the pan under the turkey. It turned out quite well.
Shoot, stuffing the turkey with orange wedges is common in recipes
The oranges did not go in the turkey.
Sounds pretty good…what time is dinner?😋
You are very much commended on your article. Nothing wrong with many years / generations of Thanksgiving meals the old fashioned way as some would put it. I will be 65 on Dec 21 2018. So I have had many cooked that way.
Love your baby in a baby comment ( medical background here).
Hope you and all the other Simpsons Tapped Out players have an awesome and safe Thanksgiving. My adult son who plays this game has his birthday in Nov 22 and it was Thanksgiving Day the year he was born. So we have 2 things to celebrate.
That is my Wife’s birthday! She was born on Thankgiving…as was my daughter, Ali, who was born on the 24th. We have a string for November birthdays in our family… 12th, 14th, 18th, 22nd, 24th (and my Dad’s was the 26th). The Millers clearly have “procreation on the brain” in the month of February!
valentines day?
Thanks a lot, Patric. I am helpful. But now I’m also hungry.