THOH XXXI Act 4 Full Dialogue: The Hell of the Class

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

We’ve reached the exciting conclusion of the 2020 Halloween TSTO Event, THOH XXXI!  Who’s ready to wrap this puppy up and put hell to bed?

On with the Act 4 dialogue…

The Hell of the Class Pt. 1
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Homer: And therefore, if Lisa passes Science, we are all Hell-free!
Lisafer: Dad, no! That’s backwards. Didn’t Old Scratch go over the deal with you?
Old Scratch: I ruined my entire Sunday going over it with him. That’s my day of rest too, you know.
Lisafer: Ugh! Bart, I need you to keep Dad off my back so he doesn’t give me any more “help”.
Beelzebart: Can do. I have some father-son bonding in mind.
Make Lisafer Deliberately Tank Homework Assignments- 1hr
Make Beelzebart Take Homer to Harass Virtuous Pagans- 3hrs
Make Homer Throw Rocks at Atheist Philosophers- 3hrs
Collect Spooky Beakers- x125. 4hrs
Homer: Look at these losers burning in Hell!
Jeramy Bentham: But utilitarianism seemed so plausible! *gets hit with rock* OW!
Beelzebart: You nailed him, Homer! You really hate what Jeremy Bentham preached that much?
Homer: I just like throwing rocks.

The Hell of the Class Pt. 2
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Hell Teacher: Sir, I’m worried about Lisafer.
Old Scratch: The Simpson girl? I hope she’s not failing all her classes!
Hell Teacher: Gym class she is. Is it true that if she gets all F’s she wins, and she and Beelzebart go free?
Old Scratch: So complicated. I should have just challenged her to a dance off.
Hell Teacher: You can’t help it, sir. Your passion for wagers just gets away from you.
Old Scratch: It does. It really does.
Hell Teacher: Lisafer is driven to excel in academics in a desperate attempt to win the attention and affection of her largely absent father.
Old Scratch: Wow. That got dark. Far corners of Hell dark.
Hell Teacher: I’m sad to report she has mastered her compulsion to raise her grades.
Old Scratch: Hmm… Sounds like we need some inside intel.
Make Old Scratch Pick Beelzebart’s Brain- 2hrs
Make Lisafer Continue to Deliberately Fail Classes- 4hrs
Make Homer Wander Hellementary Halls Looking for Lisa- 2hrs
Collect Spooky Beakers- x150. 4hrs
Old Scratch: Beelzebart, what makes your sister tick? Other than good grades and a soybean diet?
Beelzebart: She loves always being right! Wait, I didn’t just help you again, did I?
Old Scratch: Um, nooooo…
Hell Teacher: Excellent! I know just how to use this information to destroy her.
Old Scratch: Okay, maybe you helped a little.

The Hell of the Class Pt. 3
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Lisafer: Old Scratch thought I couldn’t fail all my classes. Well, all I have to do now is throw my final Science presentation and we’re home free!
Hell Teacher: Lisafer, your Science presentation will be on…
Lisafer: Please be Gluttony Biology or Explosives Chemistry? Please be…
Hell Teacher: Evolution! And you’re not allowed to talk to the dinosaurs for help.
Lisafer: Wait, there are dinosaurs down here?!
Baby T-Rex: Too late for regrets, but I did some really nasty stuff while I existed.
Lisafer: Okay, fine, I can just…get evolution wrong…
Hell Teacher: Think of all the creation scientists you’ll make happy when you do.
Beelzebart: Lis, you gotta just bite the bullet and screw it up!
Lisafer: I can do that… I can do that… I can…
Make Lisafer Give an Impassioned Defense of Evolution- 2hrs
Make Hell Teacher Taunt Lisafer With Creation Science- 2hrs
Make Homer Dismiss Evolution as “Just a Theory” Anyway- 1hr
Collect Spooky Beakers- x150. 4hrs
Lisafer: …and finally, the Earth is NOT 6,000 years old!
Hell Teacher: Well researched and very passionate. A+, Miss Simpson!
Homer: Yay! We get to go home!
Lisafer: Oh, Dad.
Old Scratch: I’m afraid Old Scratch wins again! Enjoy the next eternity-million years in Hell! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Beelzebart: Eh, I was probably gonna end up here anyway.

The Hell of the Class Pt. 4
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Old Scratch: Make yourselves at home. Nothin’ but Hell, damnation, and torment for you three! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Lisafer: What are we going to do? This is all my fault!
Homer: I wonder if they have cable down here.
Lisafer: *sigh*
Beelzebart: The man did say to make ourselves at home…so let’s really make ourselves at home.
Make Beelzebart Prank Call Hell Moe’s- 1hr
Make Lisafer Petition to Save the Hell Dinosaurs- 4hrs
Make Homer Hog Old Scratch’s TV- 4hrs
Make Old Scratch Wonder What Just Happened- 4hrs
Collect Spooky Beakers- x150. 4hrs
Old Scratch: This Homer blob just lies on my couch watching TV! And why are all these people dumping bones on my desk?
Hell Scientists Crowd: We were right all along! Dinosaurs were older than 6000 years! Woo-hoo!
Demon Moe: Is there a Ben Dover here? I got a call for Ben Dover? Ben Dover?… aw, crud. If everybody wasn’t dead down here, I’d kill ’em already!

The Hell of the Class Pt. 5
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Old Scratch: ENOUGH!
Beelzebart: Great! We annoyed you enough that you’ll let us go.
Old Scratch: No. I need to make some kind of new bargain.
Lisafer: That’s not fair.
Old Scratch: Remember who I am. “Not fair” is kind of my jam. So…if you two can get Homer to pass Remedial Hell School, you can all return to Springfield. If he fails, your souls will remain trapped forever in Hell! MWAHAHAHA!
Lisafer: *gasp* You fiend!
Old Scratch: Thanks, but flattery won’t save you.
Homer: Don’t worry, honey. Daddy’s got this!
Make Homer Incorrectly Explain the New Deal- 2hrs
Make Lisafer Try to Get Homer to Understand the New Deal- 2hrs
Make Beelzebart Laugh at Old Scratch- 4hrs
Make Old Scratch Lose His Cool- 4hrs
Collect Spooky Beakers- x175. 4hrs
Homer: …so then, if I fail two classes, but Lisa passes the rest, and Bart wins the dance-off, we get to go home!
Old Scratch: No! No one said anything about dancing!
Lisafer: It’s cute watching Old Scratch blow a gasket.
Old Scratch: I can’t take it anymore! Simpsons, you have beaten me at my own game!
Homer: Oooh, games! I like games! I’ll be Colonel Mustard!
Old Scratch: Just go. And take the stupid dinosaurs with you!
Baby T-Rex: Great. Now we’re stupid.

Trademark Hell
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Lisa: It’s good to be back at Springfield Elementary.
Bart: Speak for yourself.
Lisa: But where are those men taking our digital whiteboards and computers?
Skinner: I’m afraid we’ve had to terminate our partnership with Hell.
Old Scratch: Wait, what?
Quimby: Parents believe Hell carries negative connotations for our city’s children. Er, uh…sorry Mr. Scratch, Springfield is out and you’re on your own.
Old Scratch: We can’t make it on our own. Our margins are razor thin!
Make Quimby Cut Ties With Hell- 4hrs
Make Old Scratch Hock Computer Equipment to Pay Legal Fees- 4hrs
Make Kids Go Back to Using Overhead Projectors- 4hrs
Make Ned Say “Get Thee Behind Me, Satan!”- 4hrs

And this concludes the 2020 THOH Event!

Thoughts on the Fourth Act?  The event in general? Dialogue?  Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!

2 responses to “THOH XXXI Act 4 Full Dialogue: The Hell of the Class

  1. Because I never got Beelzebart- this is now stuck on my device. Will it ever go away? I can’t complete the current task. Thoughts?

  2. Thanksgiving event caught us all by surprise.
    I rushed Homer and Marge to start the event
    Now wait 4 hours, everyone else will be free and it’s onward to t day

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