Blargsgiving Full Dialogue: Cranberry Calamity

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

The clock is ticking down on the Blargsgiving mini-event.  As the event winds down it’s time to take a look back at the dialogue for this event, just in case you missed it while tapping to fast!  So here’s the full dialogue for the Blargsgiving mini-event main questline…

You Don’t Make Friends With (Fruit) Salad
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Marge: Homie, could you run to the store to pick up a few things for Thanksgiving dinner tonight?
Homer: But Marge, if I leave now, I won’t know who wins the big game!
Kent Brockman: And going into the fourth quarter, the Shelbyville Sharks lead the Springfield Atoms fifty-six to zero. I think it’s safe to say we know who will win the big game.
Marge: *sigh* I guess I’ll just go pick up the ingredients for the fruit salad myself.
Homer: Fruit salad? Never! The only fruit I’ll be eating this Thanksgiving will come in canned form. Delectable cranberry sauce. The one time of year dessert comes with the main course instead of after.
Marge: I didn’t buy any cranberry sauce this year. I told you, we’re having fruit salad.
Homer: WHAT?! No Thanksgiving dinner is gonna get served without cranberry sauce on my watch! I’m heading to the store!
Marge: I thought you said you couldn’t leave because you were watching the game?
Homer: That was before you threatened me with fruit salad. Also I don’t really care about the game. I just didn’t want to get off the couch.
Make Marge Grumble Under Her Breath- 6s
Make Homer Hunt for Cranberry Sauce- 6s
Homer: Okay. Don’t panic. So what if they’re sold out of cranberry sauce at Costmo, Try-N-Save, Quick & Fresh, Sconewall Bakery, Eatie-Gourmet’s… Sprawl-Mart, Li’l Valu-Mart, Kwik-E-Mart, Speed-E-Mart, Newfangled Kwik-E-Mart, and Springfield Hunting Supplies? I’m sure I’ll find some…somewhere. I guess I could try Swapper Jack’s, but that’s a health food store…But cranberries are in smoothies, which are healthy, and people drink smoothies after they exercise… And exercise burns calories, and burning is what you do with tires, and…wait, where was I?

Cranberry Calamity Pt. 1
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Homer: Of course I can’t find a parking space! This place is the worst. And why is everyone so happy here? Don’t these people know they’re buying health food?! Focus, Homer. We’ve got a job to do. And by God we’re gonna do it!  Eegh. What is this stuff? Swapper O’s? Swapper Jack’s Okra Chips? Just my luck. Even this place doesn’t have any cranberry sauce. *sigh* I guess I’ll go tell the family Thanksgiving is cancelled this year.
Blarg Alien: *psst* You there. Yeah, you in the tight-fitting mustard-stained shirt.
Homer: Hey, at least I’m not ten feet tall with three legs. Oh my God, you’re an alien! I always knew there was something fishy about Swapper Jack’s!
Blarg Alien: I’ve travelled back through time and space to experience a traditional Earth Thanksgiving. It’s the holiday that will one day inspire Blargsgiving on our planet.
Homer: Wait a minute…you speak English?
Blarg Alien:No, I’m mind-melding into your brain. It’s much more efficient. Now, did I hear you say you were looking for cranberry sauce?
Homer: You have some?!
Blarg Alien: Not here. Meet me out back in fifteen Earth minutes.
Homer: Fifteen Earth minutes? How long is that in my time?
Blarg Alien: Fifteen minutes.
Homer: You could have just said that.
Make Blarg Alien Meet Homer- 4hrs
Make Homer Go Around Back-4hrs
Collect Cranberry Sauce Cans- x 155.
Blarg Alien: I have a gift for you, Deluxe Earthling. This is a “special” cranberry sauce from my future world.
Homer: Looks pretty good… But there’s so little of it.
Blarg Alien: Maybe now, but this sauce will replicate whenever it’s fed bones. That means you can have as much cranberry sauce as you like. But heed this warning. NEVER feed it any bones from living creatures. Only bones that are long dead. Do you understand what I have told you?
Homer: Gimme the sauce, gimme the sauce!
Blarg Alien: I’ll take that as a yes.

Cranberry Calamity Pt. 2
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Homer: So, definitely not enough cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving dinner. But that alien in the alley said I just need to feed it bones and it’ll replicate. And when have I ever been known to ignore life advice acquired in an alley?
Sideshow Mel: Greetings, Homer. I didn’t know you were a patron of “the Swapper”.
Homer: Wow, look at the size of that bone in your hair! Hey, Mel, I’ll give you fifty bucks for that thing.
SideshowMel: I beg your pardon? This bone is one hundred percent authentic Albino Chupacabra. And I should say is worth a fair bit more than fifty dollars.
Homer: Sixty.
Sideshow Mel: Deal! You just paid for my entire “Swapping” excursion. Toodles!
Homer: Okay, crazy alien sauce, time to do your stuff!
Make Homer Feed Mel’s Bone to the Sauce- 4hrs
Collect Cranberry Sauce Cans- x 115.
Homer: Look at all this cranberry sauce! This’ll feed everyone! Or at least me. But…what if my family eats all this delicious sauce… There’d be none for leftovers tomorrow. I know! I’ll go dig up graves at Springfield Cemetery and use those bones! It’s the only logical next step.

Cranberry Calamity Pt. 3
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Marge: Um, Homer? Why are you covered in grave dirt? And what’s this giant bog of cranberry sauce doing in the garage?
Homer: What, this? This has been here forever. You’re really losin’ it, Marge.
Marge: Mmm-hmm. Well, go get cleaned up. My sisters just got here.
Homer: Really? Hey Patty and Selma! Come out to the garage! I did something you’ll want to belittle me for!
Patty: Oh, this’ll be good. C’mon, Selma. It sounds like Christmas came a little early this year.
Homer: Come on in, ladies. I hope you’ve been drinking your milk. Always want to keep those bones strong, am I right?
Make Homer Feed Patty and Selma to the Sauce- 4hrs
Make Patty Tell Homer He’s Fat as She’s Being Eaten-4hrs
Make Selma Tell Homer He’s Useless as She’s Being Eaten- 4hrs
Collect Cranberry Sauce Cans- x 195.
Jelly Monster: *growling noises*
Marge: I heard a scream! What happened? Ahhhh! What the heck is that?
Jelly Monster: *raaaaawr*
Homer: It looks like even the cranberry sauce gets irritated by your sisters! Run for it!

Cranberry Calamity Pt. 4
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Kent Brockman: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this breaking news. A tornado is currently ripping through Springfield! Wait, sorry. Our cue card guy has gotten the pre-written disaster cards mixed up. Just a minute while he gets it sorted. We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this breaking news. Springfield is under attack by a giant jelly monster!
Homer: That’s the last time I mind-meld with a space alien.
Lisa: Space alien?!
Homer: Yeah, you know. The alien who gave me the living space cranberry sauce that turned into that jelly monster when I fed it your aunts?
Lisa: Oh, THAT alien.
Homer: In his defense, he DID say not to feed it the bones of the living. So that’s on me.
Lisa: Hmm. So this jelly monster feeds off the bones of the living… I’ll need to call for some backup to figure out how to stop this thing from destroying the town.
Homer: Okay but hurry up. Dinner is still at four.
Make Lisa Call Martin for Help- 4hrs
Make Martin Come to the Rescue-4hrs
Collect Cranberry Sauce Cans- x 110.
Lisa: So we know the jelly monster grows whenever it’s fed bones.
Martin: My God. It’s the perfect organism!
Lisa: Uh, I guess? But how do we stop it?
Martin: I believe I’ve deduced the best course of action. Follow me! *voluntarily sacrifices himself to the jelly monster*
Lisa: What are you doing?!
Martin: I giveth my body to become one with perfection!
Jelly Monster: *eats Martin’s bones*
Lisa: Don’t really see why he had to get naked first, but okay…

Cranberry Calamity Pt. 5
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Lisa: Well Dad, there’s no stopping the jelly monster. It even erected a giant metal can for itself in the town square!
Homer: Of all the ways I could die, I never thought it would be food that did me in.
Lisa: Look, there’s a spaceship landing!
Blarg Alien: Relax, Earthlings. That is merely the spacetime vessel of my fellow Blargonians, here to retrieve me and the one you call “Jelly Monster.”  I was sent ahead to prepare “The Great Jelly.” Though I can’t take all the credit, as it was your father who turned it into its fully sentient form.
Lisa: “The Great Jelly”? That thing just wrecked half the town and ate my aunts and my friend from school!
Blarg Alien: Yes, in retrospect, I can see how that might be received as… not “great.” I could do a simple re-boning on your aunts and friend if you like.
Homer: Just the friend will be fine. Actually, wait, Lisa, which friend is it?
Make Blarg Alien Put Everyone’s Bones Back- 4hrs
Make Lisa Be Grossed Out by the Re-boning-4hrs
Make Homer Nearly Faint Watching the Re-boning- 4hrs
Make Martin Lose “One With Perfection” Status- 4hrs
Collect Cranberry Sauce Cans- x 155.
Blarg Alien: There we are. Re-boned and good as new.
Martin: What happened? I’m back? Am I still one with perfection?
Blarg Alien: Everything is back to the way it was. As my people say, no harm, no foul.
Lisa: Other than the millions of dollars of property damage?
Blarg Alien: Yes, specifically excluding that.

The Legend of the Jelly
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Lisa: So…why did you unleash your jelly monster on us?
Blarg Alien: The Great Jelly is the key to peace across all of Blargonia…But in order for it to reach its true form and ensure continued peace, it required more human bones than we had laying around on our planet. Being a peaceful race, we could never have fed it humans ourselves lest we face the wrath of the Jelly God, Jam Master Jeff.
Homer: Hey, you guys set me up!
Blarg Alien: Apologies, it was necessary for the survival of Blargmanity. Here, have a bite of The Great Jelly.
Homer: Woo hoo! *bites off a piece of the jelly monster.*
Lisa: The Great Jelly won’t mind being eaten?
Blarg Alien: The Great Jelly’s one purpose is to bring squishy cranberry goodness to the mouths of everyone it meets.
Lisa: Except the people whose bones it eats.
Blarg Alien: Look, we’re crazy aliens who worship a cranberry monster. This was never going to make perfect sense.
Make Homer Take a Bite Out of Jelly Monster- 4hrs
Make Jelly Monster Be Happy- 4hrs
Blarg Alien: Now, oh Great Jelly, aboard our ship awaits your throne. Which, funnily enough, we fashioned from the skulls of humans in the future after we wiped out their entire race, but they don’t know that yet.
Jelly Monster: *waves goodbye*
Blarg Alien: We shall return to our time and planet, and we won’t be back until we require more bones. *attempts to start ship* … It’s not starting. We’re out of antimatter. Did nobody fill up when you stopped on Andromeda?
Jelly Monster: *facepalms*

Thoughts on the Blargsgiving mini-event? Dialogue? Prizes? Have you finished the prize track?  Excited for snow in TSTO? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!