New Year New You Full Dialogue: Survival of the Wellest

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

The clock is ticking down on the New Year New You mini-event.  As the event winds down it’s time to put away those stretchy pants and take a look back at the dialogue for this event, just in case you missed it while tapping to fast!  So here’s the full dialogue for the New Year New You mini-event main questline…

The Post-Holiday Expansion
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Homer: The Holy Trinity of Leftovers: Christmas dinner mixed with Thanksgiving scraps and topped with all the worst Halloween candy!
Bart: Oh man, another round of Christmas ham with Jolly Ranchers on top and you’ll be muumuu-level fat!
Homer: Oooh, muumuu-level! Last time I wore one of those, I got to work from home!
Bart: So? Isn’t the whole world already working from home?
Homer: Nope, we have to keep going into the plant. Mr. Burns convinced the Mayor that the radiation protects us. *takes bite of leftovers*
Marge: Homer, stop eating that tri-holiday heart attack!
Homer: But if I get fat enough, I could start the New Year with courtside seats next to the leftover dispenser. *looks at fridge*
Marge: You have to start losing weight. Don’t you want to be around to see the kids grow up?
Homer: Not really.
Marge: Well, how about this: if you lose ten pounds, I’ll put my special Santa outfit on for you.
Homer: *intrigued noise*
Lisa: Mom! Gross!
Make Homer Agree to Lose Weight- 6s
Homer: Okay, fine. It’s a deal. I’ll lose ten pounds…
Marge: Yay!
Homer: …after I finish eating these leftovers. *eating noises*
Marge: Look, I’m sure it’ll be a challenge, but with hard work and discipline I know you can do it!
Homer: *stuffing face with leftovers* I need to gain as much as possible now before I’m officially weighed in.
Bart: Where are we going to find a big enough scale?
Homer: You might be laughing now, but once I’m ultra-fat, it’ll be so easy to slim down to normal fat.
Lisa: You know, you’ll still have to work out to lose weight.
Homer: Or…Dr. Hibbert can surgically remove the ten pounds out of me.

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 1
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Dr Hibbert: Hmm. Protracted gut, excessive sweating, the tub of gravy filled with candy corn you’re eating… My diagnosis: you are experiencing a momentary spike of obesity…caused by the mass consumption of holiday leftovers.
Homer: All true! So, what wonders of medical science are available for a super overweight person who wants to effortlessly shed a few pounds?
Dr Hibbert: Homer, I can’t staple your stomach for a third time. It would kill you.
Homer: *moans* Now how am I going to cash in my “buy two get one free” stomach stapling card?
Dr Hibbert: *chuckles* You’re holding a Krusty Burger punch card — which as your doctor, I can’t allow you to cash in. *takes card*
Homer: Well, if you won’t help me, maybe Dr. Nick will.
Dr Nick: Homer, my solution is for you to go on a strict diet eating only these experimental meal replacement packs.
Homer: How’s eating going to help me lose weight?
Dr Nick: They’re full of untested chemicals!
Homer: Can’t argue with chemicals!
Make Homer Gorge Himself on Meal Replacement Packs- 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125 4hrs.
Homer: Must gorge to lose weight!
Lisa: Dad, these meal pack labels are just taped on with Band-Aids. *peels off label*
Homer: I don’t feel so good.
Lisa: That’s because you’ve been eating US Army cavalry horse feed from the Spanish-American War!
Homer: *horse neighs* No wonder I’ve been neighing so much!
Lisa: No, you can’t eat any more of those!
Homer: Haven’t you always wanted a pony? *neighs*

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 2
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Wiggum: Hey Homer, I have to give you a ticket…for speeding!
Homer: Man, this day can’t get worse…
Wiggum: Well, why are you in such a rush?
Homer: I’ve tried every get-thin-quick scheme I could think of: stuffing myself with diet horse feed on the couch while watching endless reruns of the NHL All-Star Skills Challenge… So, now I’m on my way to Moe’s because he does backroom liposuction before noon.
Wiggum: You know, me and some of the other…robust fellas in town are heading over to Tab Spangler’s Serenity Ranch.
Homer: *chuckles* Robust.
Wiggum: He’s running a “New Year, New You” weight loss special. You should join us!
Homer: Fat Camp? No thank you!
Wiggum: There’s a free all-you-can-eat “welcome guests” buffet tonight…
Homer: Mmm…fat camp buffet.
Make Homer Rush to Serenity Ranch- 4hrs
Make Gluttons Head to Serenity Ranch- x3. 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125 4hrs.
Tab Spangler: Thank you for your patience while filling out these fourteen-page liability release forms.
Homer: So that’s what I signed!
CBG: I believe we were promised a free all-you-can-eat buffet?
Homer: Yeah, where’s my free grub?!
Tab Spangler: Don’t worry, at Serenity Ranch we deliver on our promises! So let this magnificent feast start you on your road to wellness.
Homer: This isn’t a feast! It’s a bunch of plants…
Barney: It’s all so green and leafy…
Fat Tony: I detect a distinct lack of protein, which leads me to ask: what kind of FAT CAMP IS THIS?
Homer: A healthy one!
Wiggum: *fires gun* Storm the kitchen!
Camera Man: *attacking noises*
Tab Spangler: This may be harder than I thought.

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 3
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Homer: You know I don’t feel so good. I’m not sure I can handle more wellness training this morning. Maybe I could just call my wife to come get me…or at least bring me a burger or pizza.
Tab Spangler: No dice. The registration forms you signed give me full legal authority to keep you here until you are the peak of physical perfection! God I love fine print.
CBG: You sir, are worse than Loki the trickster god himself!
Tab Spangler: Them’s the rules and you all signed on the dotted line.
Sakatumi: *gasp* He can’t imprison us! Can he, Chief…?
Wiggum: Well, he did say both “legal” and “authority” in the same sentence, and the DA tells me that’s the magic word combo that lets me do whatever I want…
Tab Spangler: Calm yourselves! Torturing people into shape is a thing of the past. Here at Serenity Ranch, we take a holistic approach to wellness!
Homer: I take a holistic approach to eating whatever I want and where I want!
Tab Spangler: Well, not anymore.
Make Homer Drink a Green Juice- 4hrs
Make Sakatumi Meditate on Weight Loss-4hrs
Make Wiggum Strike a Yoga Pose- 4hrs
Make Quimby Learn Pilates- 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125 4hrs.
Wiggum: Am I doing this “downward dog” thing right? I wish the police dog was here to show me how. Ow! I don’t think my back bends this way. Or at all.
Quimby: Shavasa-whaa?
CBG: It’s “Shavasana”. And yes, it’s a subpar catchphrase!
Homer: Yoga is for moms to meet other moms and show off. We fat dudes should be doing push-ups and karate kicks!
Tab Spangler: Since I have the legal authority to keep you all here, you better start learning to love our new wellness program…and that means yoga every morning.
Wiggum: *out of breath* Yoga is so much harder than anything I did at the Police Academy! And I had to do that twice!

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 4
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Homer: This is all a waste of time! Plus Lard Lad just released a new bacon donut sandwich! It’s two bacon donuts with a bacon donut in the center!
CBG: The premiere of a new donut and I am missing it! *angry noise*
Homer: We’ve gotta escape this “Serenity” Ranch! If you’re with me, put your fat fingers in.
Wiggum: Homer, maybe you should just relax and get with the program. All this yoga is making me too tired to fight.
Barney: The cop guy is right. Plus, at least we have a steady stream of kombucha to keep us just as drunk as ever. *kombucha belch*
Fat Tony: Homer, how do you know you don’t like wellness, unless you try it?
Homer: *short shriek* You’re all traitors to the big and tall!
Make Homer Convince Fellow Gluttons to Escape- 4hrs
Make Barney Have Another Juice-4hrs
Make Wiggum Almost Stretch His Back- 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125 4hrs.
Homer: Guys, this is just a big scam! We’re wasting time and not losing any weight while we keep paying Tab Spangler to live here on this picturesque ranch!
Wiggum: Hmm, I wish scamming were illegal, but it’s not — so we can’t do anything.
Homer: What about you, Comic Book Guy? Don’t you want to go back home and run your shop? I bet Bart is stealing all your comics as we speak.
CBG: Kumiko runs a pretty tight ship thank you very much. But I do miss reading the comics and lamenting about how bad they’ve all become.
Homer: And Sakatumi…wait, why are you even here? Isn’t being big kind of your job?
Sakatumi: I was disqualified from the tour when they found out my sumo diaper was really two sumo diapers tied together!
Quimby: Alright, Simpson, you’ve sold us on the need to get out of here. What’s your plan?
Homer: I don’t have a plan! I’m just the guy who rallies everyone together so that someone else can come up with the plan.
CBG: Worst. Leader. Ever.

Survival of the Wellest Pt. 5
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Wiggum: Look, Homer, we all want to get out of here now, but face it: we’re all too fat and slow.
CBG: Yeah, Homer, we’re not Thors, we’re Fat Thors!
Barney: The only way out of here is to train until we’re all able to climb over that wall and escape.
Homer: Hmmm…that’s it, Barney! We’ll get in shape. And there’s only one way to do that…
Barney: Stick with the wellness program?
Homer: No, a training montage!
Make Homer Put Together a Training Montage- 4hrs
Make Gluttons Train in a Training Montage-x3. 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125 4hrs.
Homer: *montage music plays* Whoa, look at me dragging giant tires around! I don’t even know where those came from!
Barney: I think I just did a hundred thousand jumping jacks without breaking a sweat!
Fat Tony: *lifting weights* They’re going to have to start calling me LEAN TONY!
Homer: *stops montage music* Alright, former fatsos, now we’re in the best shape of our lives and all it took was 8 minutes of montaging!
CBG: Let us climb over the wall like Wildlings invading Westeros!
Tab Spangler: *slow clap* Excellent work, men! I never wavered from my belief that you’d finally realize what it takes to get in great shape. You had to hate being here so much that you’d lose weight just to escape!
Wiggum: So he’s not a scammer — he’s a genius!
CBG: Worst. Twist. Ever.
Tab Spangler: Hey, I still made a buttload of money off you sorry lot.

The Post-Holiday Contraction Expansion
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Homer: Honey! Kids! I’m home! You probably didn’t hear me walk in because I’m so light on my feet!
Marge: Oooh, Homie! I’ve never seen you look this thin!
Lisa: I’m so proud of you, Dad!
Bart: Since you’re all good and healthy now, I guess we can throw out our St. Patrick’s Day leftovers.
Homer: Wait, I was gone for three months?!
Lisa: Yeah, how long did you think you were gone?
Bart: Okay, throwing out the leftover corned beef and cabbage.
Homer: Gimme that festive fridge food! *takes food* Now, there’s only one thing to do with a tub full of leftovers: eating montage! *eating noises*
Make Homer Gorge Himself Back Into Homer Shape- 4hrs
Make Marge Enjoy Buff Homer While She Can- 4hrs

And that’s it my friends!  All there is to the New Year New You mini-event!

What are your thoughts on the mini-event?  Prizes?  Design plans?  Don’t forget showoff next week, submit those designs by Tuesday!  Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!