I blame boredom. I’ve never done well without a million things on my plate. I thrive in chaos. I always have. It’s why my family calls me in an emergency. It’s also why I used to write papers at 4am when they were due at 8am. I’d always get an A on those papers. Like I said, I thrive in chaos.
I’ve never been someone who does well with a quiet mind. Mostly because I don’t know how to quiet my mind. I was a hyperactive kid and in a lot of ways I’m still a hyperactive adult. I just never learned how to shut off. Even when I was on my honeymoon 7ish years ago I couldn’t get my mind to shut off. I’d be lying on a beach in Jamaica with a drink in my hand, listening to the ocean, and wondering if an update hit TSTO.
Yes, I am that crazy.
So at this point, I blame boredom. I mean we are on day 360 of 15 days to slow the spread. Perhaps I’ve simply run out of things to keep my mind otherwise occupied. So I think it was boredom that caused me to take a trip down memory lane. Maybe boredom, maybe some personal issues I’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years, maybe a push from the big guy upstairs, maybe an all of the above situation. All I know is I saw a religious talk from someone I follow on Instagram and it sent me spiraling down a path of memories.
I know this isn’t a site about religion. We write about The Simpsons. I know that. But as any of you who have been following this site for a while know…my faith and relationship with God are extremely important to me. So when I saw that talk, coupled with the madness that is my mind I went for a stroll through history.
There’s a point to all this, I promise, so stick with me.
Of course, not every trip down memory lane is a good one. Especially once you get inside my head! I often tell people they wouldn’t last 5 minutes inside my head. It’s utter madness, that even I sometimes have a hard time following. However, I still decided to do it and walk down the path of TSTO Addicts, the history, the memories…and oh the drama!
In this case, memory lane caused me to get a bit introspective. Which often isn’t a good thing lol. I’ve always been an extremely private person. I keep a lot of things going on hidden from not only you guys but my friends and family as well. For no reason other than, I’m not a whiner or complainer. I KNOW there are people out there going through something much worse than I am at any given point. So I just keep a lot of things to myself. Probably not the best idea, but hey it’s gotten me this far!
I also just have a really hard time talking about myself. I’ve never been good with my feelings. And that’s been the case for my entire life. I didn’t want to have a wedding because I didn’t want all the attention. I’m like that on this site too. I often pass things off, and have for the life of this site, to others so I’m not the center of attention.
Hell, I remember what a struggle it was for me to just write the “About Me” blurb for this site. Something so simple became so incredibly stressful for me. This is also painfully obvious if you watch the very first YouTube video we did, our 1 Year Blogiversary, in 2014. It’s painful to watch because I am very uncomfortable answering questions, especially about myself. Thankfully this has improved over the years of doing lots of episodes of Addicts Live…
I’m also just me. I’ve always gone by my real name when writing here because, well, I’m just me. I don’t play a character here or in real life. Bunny, Wookiee, Cranky…they all play or have played characters here. They’re all totally different in real life than they are here. Me? I’m pretty much the same lol. I don’t have the ability to play a character there are too many things, and stories to try and keep straight.
I know I bill myself as the “sane one” around here, but let’s be honest…anyone who would spend the last 7+ years of their life writing a blog about a silly little game has to at least be mildly insane, right?
So, on this introspective trip, what have I figured out?
Well, for starters I am not an easy person. I’ve been told that I’m demanding, intense, and competitive. I’d also add stubborn and hot-headed to that list as well.
Hey, I am Italian.
I know this about myself and I always have. I’ve mellowed out a bit over the years, especially since having the Little Addicts. And I’m a far cry from what I was when I was a kid!
I expect A LOT out of people in my life. If you’re going to help me, I expect you to help me. If not, get the hell out of my way and let me do it myself. I don’t do anything half-assed, and I don’t expect you to either.
Like I said, I know how I am. I know I’m demanding, but if you survive a friendship with me I reward you accordingly.
Just ask one of my best friends. We’ve been friends for 20 years. We’ve had our ups, our downs, our fights, our punches in the nose (literally), and through it all I’d still give her the shirt off my back if she needed it. No matter how crazy she makes me, and believe me…she’s made me crazy, I’d still drop everything if she called.
I would do the same thing for any member of the Addicts Staff, past or present.
I’m fiercely protective of those I love.
When I was in school one of my friends was constantly being bullied and picked on. He was what we’d consider a nerd back in the day (now nerds are cool apparently), and they’d relentlessly torment him. So I did what any good friend would do, I kicked their asses.
Hey, I told you I had a temper.
Of course, this led to them picking on me, they called me a nerd lover 🤷♀️. At that point, I just gave one of the boys a black eye. He was then so embarrassed a girl hit him (and left a mark) that he never bothered either one of us again.
Ah, the 90s…a simpler time.
I have A LOT of patience with my friends. Probably because I know it requires a lot of patience to be friends with me, considering how stubborn I can be. I give my friends a lot of leeway, even when maybe I shouldn’t.
I’m always open to a conversation, no matter what happened in the past. I’m always willing to listen no matter what the story holds. I’m quick to forgive when forgiveness is sought, no matter how deep the knife cut.
I know a lot of you like to say I have the patience of a saint. The truth is, I don’t.
I’ve learned over the years how to make my temper fuse longer and longer, and how to be more patient with people. But trust me, there are times when y’all drive me so insane I want to scream. There was even an instance years ago, when y’all were driving me so crazy I literally threw my laptop across the room. That was fun…until I had to buy a new laptop.
I have a hard time saying no to people. Which often causes me to get overbooked, over-stressed, and overworked. I just have this thing where I don’t want people to dislike me. So I often keep my feelings to myself, or vent to someone else and make them do the “dirty work” for me.
Of course I, like most people, do eventually have a breaking point. When I reach mine it’s usually not the best situation. Picture a stick of dynamite exploding…and I take out everyone in my path.
However, I can admit when I’m wrong. When I’ve made mistakes. And I can acknowledge that when the dynamite explodes it was likely an overreaction to something small because of my inability to say no, or keeping my feelings to myself.
I’m finally getting to the point of all of this, so hopefully, you’re still reading.
So why tell you all of that?
I told you all of that to tell you this. If you were to take a walk down the memory lane of TSTO Addicts with me the first thing you would notice is holy crap there’s A LOT of drama. Like the pages of the history of this site are just oozing with drama at every turn.
And maybe one day, when I’m close to retiring from this site I’ll share ALL the drama that went on behind the scenes.
Part of it just reads like a bad soap opera at times and makes me want to cringe. It felt like every day there was something new. Someone said something about someone else, someone was threatening to sue, cease and desist letters were being sent. It was intense, stressful, insane, and yes…childish.
We, and by we I mean the original Addicts…Bunny, Wookiee, and I…did our best to shield as much drama from the pages of this site as we could. We did our best to keep this a drama-free zone, and I think we mostly succeeded. But behind the scenes…yeesh. So much drama it makes the 90 Day Fiancée look tame!
However, in going through a lot of the behind-the-scenes stuff recently…I realize that a bulk of it was caused by…me. The person who wanted to stay away from the drama! Go figure!
Most of it stemmed from me not being able to say what I wanted. I wasn’t direct. I tried to play both sides of the fence because I wanted everyone to like me, and as a result, I caused a ton of other drama to spark.
When we started this blog, my friend from childhood (the same one I’d beat up the bullies for) was supposed to be “the enforcer”. I came up with the plan, and it was his job to make sure everyone did it. He would be the bad guy if needed. When he had to leave the site (in the very very early days) because of his job, Bunny filled that role.
She almost always…ok always…took the heat behind the scenes for me. And because of that, it caused a lot of friction with her and a certain other member of this site. And instead of doing what I should have done on multiple occasions, I walked the line in-between.
I sat on the fence.
Which came across as choosing one side over another. And while I didn’t choose a side, not choosing was a choice in itself. And a piss poor one at that.
Not choosing made it look like I was supportive of things when I wasn’t. Not choosing blew up in my face, A LOT.
My failure to give a no answer on certain things, even when I didn’t agree with them, also blew up in my face, A LOT.
It’s no one’s fault but my own. Again, I can accept responsibility for being wrong. I don’t like being wrong, but I can acknowledge when I am.
I’m not perfect. No matter how hard I try, I can’t go back in time and fix mistakes that were made. And believe me, there were plenty. I’ve learned valuable lessons from those mistakes, but sometimes I just wanna say screw the lesson let me go back and fix the mistake instead!
So again, I say all of that to say this. Reviewing all of that history has made me realize that it’s time for me to finally step up and no longer hide behind someone else. I’m going to have to be the bad guy for a change, and that’s ok.
So what if people don’t like me? All that matters to me is the people I care most about in this world like me, and I think I’m doing an ok job with that. (at least until Riley becomes a teenager…)
So, we’re moving forward. Starting anew. Time to settle the past and move forward to the future.
Here’s the deal…
As you saw yesterday, the time has come for Addicts and Cranky Old Guy to part ways. His posts will remain on the site, and he has one more post slated to go tomorrow. The departure is amicable and I will remain friends with Patric in real life. Cranky Old Guy on the other hand, well I’d like to leave him in the past as well. The circumstances surrounding his departure this time are much better than the first time he left Addicts 7 years ago. The word weapons are down and the “hatchet” is buried. It’s just that life is just too short to continue down a path where neither one of us is happy. He hasn’t enjoyed the game for quite some time, and there’s no sense in faking it any longer. No sense of loyalty to me is going to change that.
I need someone who supports me and my crazy ideas, not someone who points out that they’re crazy ideas and talks me out of them.
I don’t know what the future holds. And while I wish I held that crystal ball, I don’t. The bottom line is I’m still here, Safi’s still here, Wookiee is around every once in a while. And, yes, the calendars will still be here.
I am incredibly proud of this site. Everything that we built here, and everyone that’s been a part of it over the years. And I mean everyone.
I know there have been moments publicly where you guys questioned it, but I’m fiercely protective of this site and this community. You guys.
You guys are the reason I still do this. As much as you drive me crazy at times, you still motivate me to keep going every day.
And I’ve come to realize that I screwed up. And for that, I am incredibly sorry.
Things I believed (and still believe) were the core values of this site I let fall by the wayside for a while. I didn’t realize I did, but in looking back it’s clear that I did. I let anger control me, instead of clear eyes. And I listened to others when I probably shouldn’t have.
I’ve got good gut instincts, and I should trust them more often.
So I’m going to do everything I possibly can to bring back that community feel to this site. I realize now we’ve lost our way quite a bit over the last few years. (life and kids can do that to you) But, no more listening to others tell me it’s not worth it or the game is dying behind the scenes.
We’re approaching Springtime here on the East Coast of the US. A time to start fresh, when things come to life, and in a way, I feel like I’m starting from scratch again here. That’s oddly exciting to me. I had so much joy in those early days of this site, and my goal is to bring back that joy, Hopefully, these changes will get me there, so we can all enjoy the benefits of this amazing community.
When this site was started all those eons ago, the community was our number 1 goal. We wanted to be different and we wanted to have fun. It’s so important to me that everyone who is a part of this site respects this community and is in it for the fun. For the joy of writing, the joy of the people, and the simple joy of playing a silly lil game.
It may have taken me some time (and a whole like of life kicking my backside) to move past the hurt and anger of the past to see that, but I’m glad I finally see it. All of it.
So I’m still here, and I’ll still be here as long as you guys (and the game) will have me. After all, we’ve got a 10 year anniversary to plan in a couple of years, right?
Thanks for reading this novel of a post, thanks for all that you do as part of this community, and thank you for making this site what it is. I’m incredibly grateful for each and every one of you.
As I’ve always said, we supply the music and margaritas it’s you guys who make this place come to life.
Thank you for everything.
Here’s to the Addicts Community and many more years of the simple joys of playing a silly lil game!