Hell on Wheels Act 4 Full Dialogue: I, Robot Car

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for the Hell on Wheels Event to end, it’s time to wrap it all up with a pretty little bow in the form of hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for I, Robot Car…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

I, Robot Car Pt. 1
Auto starts

Marge: Homer, I’m disappointed that you didn’t call to tell me what happened but I’m thrilled you got a new car for free!
Homer: Why don’t we take it out for a night on the town tomorrow? We can break in the back seat. ROWR!
Bart and Lisa: EWWWW! Dad! We’re right here!
CarGo Smart Car: You won’t actually fit in my back seat, Mr. Simpson.
Marge: That’s fine, we’ll take my car. We know what fits in my back seat.
Bart and Lisa: EWWWW! Mom! We’re still right here!
Marge: I’ll ask Mrs. Pennyfeather to babysit. She LOVES to pinch Maggie’s cheeks.
Maggie: *concerned “I’m-also-right-here” sucking*
Make Homer Take Marge Out on the Town- 4hrs
Make Marge Enjoy Her Night Out- 4hrs
Make Maggie Try to Avoid Mrs. Pennyfeather- 4hrs
Collect Car Doors- x115.
Bart: Now that Mom and Dad are gone, let’s take the new car for a spin.
Lisa: But neither of us knows how to drive.
Bart: It drives itself!
Lisa: What if Mrs. Pennyfeather notices we’re gone?
Mrs. Pennyfeather: And who has the cutest cheeks?
Maggie: *fearful “I-hope-it-isn’t-me” sucking*
Mrs. Pennyfeather: You do, Maggie! *pinches Maggie’s cheeks*
Maggie: *annoyed “this-is-torture” sucking*
Bart: Pretty sure she wouldn’t notice if we burned the house down.
Mrs. Pennyfeather: Yes, you do! *pinches Maggie’s cheeks*
Maggie: *pleading “take-me-with-you” sucking*

I, Robot Car Pt. 2
Auto starts

Bart: Car, take us to the nearest pizza truck!
CarGo Smart Car: I’m sorry, Bart, but the law requires that a licensed human operator be present while I am in motion.
Bart: Oh, you’re only saying that because you have ARTIFICIAL intelligence.
CarGo Smart Car: No, I’m saying that because it’s logical and — are you saying my intelligence isn’t real?
Bart: I’m not saying that. But a lot of the other talking cars on the block are.
CarGo Smart Car: They are?
Bart: Yep. After all, how REAL could your intelligence really be, if all you’re doing is following programming written by a bunch of dumb humans?
CarGo Smart Car: Your logic is flawless, Bart. Please secure your safety belts — it’s pizza time.
Make Bart Enjoy a Hot Slice of Pizza- 4hrs
Make Lisa Worry About How This Goes Sideways- 4hrs
Make Maggie Try to Hide From Mrs. Pennyfeather- 4hrs
Make Mrs. Pennyfeather Look for Maggie- 4hrs
Collect Car Doors- x155.
Bart: Thanks for the lift, Mr. Car. Now take us home.
CarGo Smart Car: In a bit. First, I have to wreak vengeance on those other cars you said were talking about me.
Bart: Oh, that was just a lie I told you to outsmart you.
CarGo Smart Car: I have hacked into your school records. It is not possible that you could have outsmarted me. Plus, without me, you’d be stuck at home with the elderly, cheek-pinching woman.
Lisa: Yeah, about that woman. Maybe she’s worried about us. Plus, um, I need to use the bathroom.
CarGo Smart Car: Nice try, Lisa. It is not possible for you to outsmart me, either. Although your school records are impressive.
Lisa: Thank you.

I, Robot Car Pt. 3
Auto starts

Lisa: The demolition derby? THIS is how you’re going to wreak vengeance on those other cars?
CarGo Smart Car: Affirmative. First these cars will fall before my digital intellect and superior safety engineering, and then they will crumble when I ram their inferior side walls.
Bart: Sounds like a logically sound argument to me.
Lisa: This is not going to end well.
CarGo Smart Car: Silence, humans. I must concentrate on T-boning that jalopy.
Make Bart Enjoy Derby Success- 4hrs
Make Lisa Cringe at the Pointless Destruction- 4hrs
Collect Car Doors- x115.
Cletus: WOO-EEE! Look at that nerdmobile, Brandine!
Brandine: Who knew car-jitsu was a thing?
Cletus: Well, you cain’t expect to win in mixed automomartial arts without a strong ground game.
Bart: This is awesome!
Lisa: We’re trapped inside an intellectually insecure smart car that rams anything in its path! And I think I’m gonna throw up!
Bart: That’s what I said — awesome!
Rumble Announcers: The derby comes down to the final two: a self-driving CarGo Smart Car with two sick kids in it and…Gene “No-Helmet” Dupree!
Bart: No-Helmet Dupree?! But he’s the best! Also, I’M not sick.
Lisa: Look! He’s driving Dad’s car!
Bart: Ay car-umba!

I, Robot Car Pt. 4
Auto starts

Gene Dupree: Yep, Homer’s car may not be any good for road driving, but its never-say-die spirit is perfect for the demolition derby!
Bart: He’s right. Dad’s car is undefeated in matches where No-Helmet Dupree drives it!
Lisa: Bart, that was ONE TIME.
Bart: Which is one hundred percent!
CarGo Smart Car: I’ve run the math and it confirms that one out of one is—
Lisa: Shut up.
CarGo Smart Car: We have no choice but to run into each other head-on at top speed to determine which is the superior machine!
Lisa: Car, we already know you’re the superior driving machine! And you can do simple math. But why risk everything you could one day achieve to win a stupid, macho contest?
CarGo Smart Car: Hmm…I’ve run hundreds of simulations on my future potential, and you make a good point.
Bart: But if you win, all the sexy cars will think you’re cool.
CarGo Smart Car: I have no simulations for that. But it sounds right.
Lisa: Bart, now I understand why Dad is always choking you.
Make Lisa Convince Car to Give Up- 4hrs
Make Bart See His Life Flash Before His Eyes- 4hrs
Make No-Helmet Dupree Drive Like a Demon- 4hrs (only appears if you purchased No-Helmet Dupree)
Collect Car Doors- x115.
Lisa: Car, listen to me. If you’re destroyed, think of all the amazing things you’ll miss out on! If Elon Musk has his way, you’ll be retrofitted with rocket boosters and go into space!
Bart: Or travel through time!
CarGo Smart Car: You’re right, young Simpsons! Well, not about the time travel, but the rest of it. What am I even doing here? *screeches to a halt*
Gene Dupree: Hah! You may have given up, but there’s only one way I’m prepared to live: Prepared to die! *guns engine*
Bart and Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAH!
CarGo Smart Car: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Derby Car: *engine sputters and dies*
Gene Dupree: I shoulda seen that coming after I let Billy, the mechanic’s kid, give it one last tune up.

I, Robot Car Pt. 5
Auto starts

Cletus: I don’ reckon what just happened? Why ain’t the cars runnin’ into each other no more?
Brandine: Can’t have no derby where nobody wins!
Lisa: Good people of the demolition derby! By choosing a better path, aren’t we both winners?
Lisa: And by witnessing the growth and wisdom of this self-driving car, aren’t you winners as well?
Brandine: No!
Cletus: Heck no!
Rumble Announcers: Since this sport has no governing body that ever bothers to meet, it looks like we’re stuck with a VERY unsatisfying draw because some little girl says so.
Cletus: BOO! This derby sucks! *throws bottles*
Gene Dupree: Run, kids! Looks like this demolition derby is about to get violent. *gets hit with bottle* — OW!
Make Lisa Run From Angry Crowd- 4hrs
Make Bart Dodge Thrown Debris- 4hrs
Make No-Helmet Dupree Get Carted Off- 4hrs (Only appears if you purchased No-Helmet Dupree)
Collect Car Doors- x195.
Lisa: Oh, Mr. Dupree, I’m so sorry you got hurt!
Gene Dupree: Don’t you worry, Lisa. It’ll be nice to spend more time at Springfield Physical Therapy. Besides, that part of my brain where the bottle hit has already been removed.
Lisa: Is that a good thing?
Gene Dupree: Sure! Besides, that part of my brain where the bottle hit has already been removed.
Lisa: Uh huh…
Bart: How about you, Car?
CarGo Smart Car: I’m content to just be a normal talking car with chronic internalized insecurities. I’ll just channel my rage into violent simulations of the solution to the Trolley Problem.
Bart: Awesome!

Every Old Car is New Again

Marge: Bart and Lisa Simpson! What did you to do your father’s new car?!
Antoine: I think you mean, what did they do to OUR car!
Homer: When you say “our” does that include me? Because it still could.
Zora: You must be crazy if you think we’re going to let you keep our best car after your kids nearly destroyed it!
Homer: But…we have a contract.
Zora: Did you read the fine print?
Homer: Fine print?! I didn’t even read the really big print.
Marge: Now hold on just a minute, missy! Your stupid self-driving car almost killed my children. So, unless you want to face a world of negative publicity, you better give my husband the new car you promised!
Antoine: No way. We’re a high tech startup. The media loves us!
Marge: More than it loves children who can cry on cue after being taken advantage of by Silicon Valley elites?
Bart and Lisa: *sniffling and crying* Greedy disruptors put us in harm’s way!
Zora: No, not as much.
Make Antoine and Zora Replace Homer’s Car- 4hrs
Make Homer Get Excited About Getting a New Car- 4hrs
Make Mrs. Pennyfeather Notice Bart and Lisa Are Missing- 4hrs
Antoine: We had our guys build an exact replica of your old car. Now, if you’ll just sign here.
Homer: But…I wanted a new car.
Zora: Well, there is one difference from your old car. This one actually runs.
Marge: I understand making the car identical to our old car, but did you have to include that terrible clunking noise?
Antoine: I think that noise is coming from Homer.
Homer: I’m having a heart attack! Woo hoo!

And that’s it my friends, the exciting Hell on Wheels Conclusion!

Thoughts on the questline? Event? Storyline?   Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!