I want to start this revealing little commentary with a few facts. I offer these not as a way of excusing my behavior, but perhaps helping to explain it in some small way that may not invoke your empathy, but at least a nod of understanding, as in “Oh…now that makes sense. He’s nuts…but at least I get it now.”
- I have five daughters and a wife (plus three sisters and a mom, two sisters-in-law, and three nieces) who are all very strong willed, successful, women deserving of praise.
- After my Dad’s passing in 2012, I am the lone male in a world dominated by said women.
- I was/am the lone receiver of Testosterone from my Dad, and perhaps got a “double shot” that makes me a “highly sexed man” (as my wife likes to say with a wink) but also, as a father to five daughters (penance for being highly sexed?) realizes that being “too macho” will likely make relationships with said family females miserable, if not impossible.
- I don’t have a large group of male friends with whom I regularly gather to do manly things (watch sports, smoke cigars, talk about female body parts in a loud, irreverent way) for the same reasons stated above. I go on a couple of golf weekends with “the boys” each year, but mostly spend it being offended by the idiot behavior of my friends (all of whom I don’t let within miles of my wife or daughters).
- Having 5 daughters…with an age range of 41-26, makes it almost impossible to look at ANY woman lustfully, under the age of 48 (because a 15-year gap is just creepy…and waaaaaaaay to close to the age of my oldest daughter).
So…taking that into consideration…you might see why I have been reduced to lusting after cartoon characters in TSTO. I’m not proud of it. But, hey…a “highly sexed man” has to have an outlet somewhere…right? (and please…refrain from any “tapping” innuendo jokes).
Let’s be clear about something. I don’t DO anything about the women in my TSTO game…except to make sure that they are “lookin’ their best.” I know. That sounds sexist. But, I do get some help from the TSTO/EA/Gracie folks who do the animations and programming. If you take a look at some of the tasks and animations…I think that their culpability in this is pretty evident. And I have to assume, some of these are a direct result of these guys not being able to get a date…so they DRAW a date in their spare time. Idle hands make…oh…never mind. I don’t want to know what they do with their hands when they are done animating.
As the old joke goes, “sexy is in the eye of the beholder” and innuendo is more about attitude than actual overt actions. But just like in the real world, there are nuances of sexy…and then there is just, plain, overt, “you should be ashamed of yourself” sexy.
Let’s break this down into three categories…
1. Sleeper Sexy
2. Obvious But Natural
3. Overtly Over the Top
Sleeper Sexy is the kind of wholesome, she is a great girl with a “fun side.” I know…I know… calling any woman a “girl” already makes me seem creepy and old-fashioned. But, I am of the age where almost everyone is younger than me. After countless High School reunions, I know that even women my age call their friends, “the girls.” So get over it. But, I digress…
The quintessential Sleeper Sexy example is Marge. She is the consummate wife and mother, who we know by way of countless “whoopie encounters” in the TV show, and still “Loves her Homie” in ways that keeps him in line. Let’s be honest…she could do better. But, she loves the guy. There are only a couple of “sexy” things that I do with Marge in my town…one goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAY back to the first Halloween update…the other, features her in her sexy little tennis outfit.
The task of having her “wait to be sacrificed” is kinda weird. But, if you remember Faye Wray in King Kong…not exactly unique in Hollywood parlance.
But Marge isn’t the only “Sleeper” in our town. The saying, “guys don’t make passes to girls who where glasses,” never met Luanne. Yes…she works at it a little too hard sometimes, and can look pretty silly in her “Jacuzzi Suite”, but she has wild side…ask Dr. Hibbert. I don’t have a “regular task” for her. But, know that after a couple of drinks, she can be a lot of fun, and may even put on her “Squirrel Suit.”
Moving into the Obvious But Natural department…there are a handful of ladies who regularly keep me leering (in a nice way, mind you…). At the top of the heap is Francesca…who simply oooooozes natural beauty and sexuality, the way Sophia Loren and Gina Lollobrigida did in the 50s, 60s and 7os. MamaMia!
Then there is Mindy…who came about as close as anyone in the history of the Simpsons to stealing Homer away from Marge. She is a natural beauty…smart…and lovely. But, because she almost ruined the Simpson’s marriage…I keep her almost perpetually “working on her tan” in my Springfield (hopefully using sun screen)…watched over by RadioActive man, and anyone else who ogles from the sky.
Just on the edge of being “Natural” and Overt…are the ladies from “Mason Derriere.” Like the BEST of “what is really sexy,” they are alluring without having to go so far as “shedding it all.” Classy…provocative…and fun to watch!
Which brings us to the Overtly Over the Top segment… which is mostly full of sad, desperate types who feel that they must use their sexuality to get ahead…some are more successful than others…for sure.
Mrs. Mundt represents that “sad and desperate” side…she is a stripper by trade, and apparently is willing to show a little skin for a cigarette.
Booberella…come on. Her name has BOOB in it… But, I certainly DO NOT agree with burning her at the stake. This task has to be the result of some act of revenge for a programmer who has a love/hate relationship with women. It’s just weird…and I never, ever do this task.
Princess Kashmir is equally obvious…and kinda weirdly pathetic. I know…belly dancing is an “art form.” But she just looks weird prancing around my town…forever…shaking…jiggling…prancing…forever…jiggling…and shaking…and…well, you get it.
I’m just gonna say it… The things that Miss Springfield has to do in the game and on the show are exploitative and horrible. She is a nice kid…who should have stayed in school. “Act like a cat?” Pfffftttttt… I don’t thinks so. And the pervert who drew this animation even had the audacity to add in the weird “hair shaped-like-a-torso” subliminal art bit. It makes it that much harder to turn away…it’s pathetic…and I feel guilty when I make her do it.
Which brings us to the latest addition of the “Women of Springfield for whom I have “a thing.” (saying it like that almost makes it sound OK…almost).
I bought Femme Fatale the minute she became available. Instant buy. I saw her scene when I re-watched the episode this event is based upon…and I had to have her. Those legs. That look. That gun! What’s not to love? And…as it turns out…she is very athletic.
OK. Look…I’m not proud of any of this. But, I see it as harmless fun. I’m not Bill O’Reilly or Bill Cosby…or even some guy in the corner named “William” who kinda creeps you out. I am the same guy, who appreciates a world filled with strong, intelligent women who are comfortable with their sexuality. And yes…I feel bad for most of the “overtly sexual” on this list…because they represent some programmer’s idea of what is “Sexy” about women. I feel bad for the programmer.
I know…I know…there is no good way out of this…no “great ending” to make sense of it all. But, there you have it. Yet one more reason I keep “tapping,” (STOP! Wipe that smirk off of your faces!).
I blame EA…and the programmers…and updates that keep us Grinding. You have to do SOMETHING to keep you coming back. Right?
Come on. Confess… what little tricks do you use to keep TSTO interesting? I can’t be alone. Am I? Alone? Standing in the corner...tapping?
Sheesh… the world is too PC. And yes…if my wife sees this post…she may take my game away.