Femme Fatale…Just Another Female Designed to Make Me Feel Bad

I want to start this revealing little commentary with a few facts.  I offer these not as a way of excusing my behavior, but perhaps helping to explain it in some small way that may not invoke your empathy, but at least a nod of understanding, as in “Oh…now that makes sense. He’s nuts…but at least I get it now.”

  1.  I have five daughters and a wife (plus three sisters and a mom, two sisters-in-law, and three nieces) who are all very strong willed, successful, women deserving of praise.
  2. After my Dad’s passing in 2012, I am the lone male in a world dominated by said women.
  3. I was/am the lone receiver of Testosterone from my Dad, and perhaps got a “double shot” that makes me a “highly sexed man” (as my wife likes to say with a wink) but also, as a father to five daughters (penance for being highly sexed?) realizes that being “too macho” will likely make relationships with said family females miserable, if not impossible.
  4. I don’t have a large group of male friends with whom I regularly gather to do manly things (watch sports, smoke cigars, talk about female body parts in a loud, irreverent way) for the same reasons stated above. I go on a couple of golf weekends with “the boys” each year, but mostly spend it being offended by the idiot behavior of my friends (all of whom I don’t let within miles of my wife or daughters).
  5. Having 5 daughters…with an age range of 41-26, makes it almost impossible to look at ANY woman lustfully, under the age of 48 (because a 15-year gap is just creepy…and waaaaaaaay to close to the age of my oldest daughter).

So…taking that into consideration…you might see why I have been reduced to lusting after cartoon characters in TSTO.  I’m not proud of it. But, hey…a “highly sexed man” has to have an outlet somewhere…right? (and please…refrain from any “tapping” innuendo jokes).

Let’s be clear about something. I don’t DO anything about the women in my TSTO game…except to make sure that they are “lookin’ their best.”  I know. That sounds sexist. But, I do get some help from the TSTO/EA/Gracie folks who do the animations and programming.  If you take a look at some of the tasks and animations…I think that their culpability in this is pretty evident. And I have to assume, some of these are a direct result of these guys not being able to get a date…so they DRAW a date in their spare time. Idle hands make…oh…never mind. I don’t want to know what they do with their hands when they are done animating.

As the old joke goes, “sexy is in the eye of the beholder” and innuendo is more about attitude than actual overt actions. But just like in the real world, there are nuances of sexy…and then there is just, plain, overt, “you should be ashamed of yourself” sexy.

Let’s break this down into three categories…
1. Sleeper Sexy
2. Obvious But Natural
3. Overtly Over the Top

Sleeper Sexy is the kind of wholesome, she is a great girl with a “fun side.”  I know…I know… calling any woman a “girl” already makes me seem creepy and old-fashioned. But, I am of the age where almost everyone is younger than me. After countless High School reunions, I know that even women my age call their friends, “the girls.” So get over it.  But, I digress…

The quintessential Sleeper Sexy example is Marge. She is the consummate wife and mother, who we know by way of countless “whoopie encounters” in the TV show, and still “Loves her Homie” in ways that keeps him in line.  Let’s be honest…she could do better. But, she loves the guy.   There are only a couple of “sexy” things that I do with Marge in my town…one goes WAAAAAAAAAAAAY back to the first Halloween update…the other, features her in her sexy little tennis outfit.

The task of having her “wait to be sacrificed” is kinda weird. But, if you remember Faye Wray in King Kong…not exactly unique in Hollywood parlance.

But, for me…the “go to” for Marge is watching her jump around in her tennis outfit…working up a sweat…while looking so, damn cute! I love athletic women who have a wild side.

But Marge isn’t the only “Sleeper” in our town.  The saying, “guys don’t make passes to girls who where glasses,” never met Luanne. Yes…she works at it a little too hard sometimes, and can look pretty silly in her “Jacuzzi Suite”, but she has  wild side…ask Dr. Hibbert. I don’t have a “regular task” for her. But, know that after a couple of drinks, she can be a lot of fun, and may even put on her “Squirrel Suit.”

Moving into the Obvious But Natural department…there are a handful of ladies who regularly keep me leering (in a nice way, mind you…).  At the top of the heap is Francesca…who simply oooooozes natural beauty and sexuality, the way Sophia Loren and Gina Lollobrigida did in the 50s, 60s and 7os. MamaMia! 

Then there is Mindy…who came about as close as anyone in the history of the Simpsons to stealing Homer away from Marge.  She is a natural beauty…smart…and lovely. But, because she almost ruined the Simpson’s marriage…I keep her almost perpetually “working on her tan” in my Springfield (hopefully using sun screen)…watched over by RadioActive man, and anyone else who ogles from the sky.

Just on the edge of being “Natural” and Overt…are the ladies from “Mason Derriere.”  Like the BEST of “what is really sexy,” they are alluring without having to go so far as “shedding it all.” Classy…provocative…and fun to watch!

Which brings us to the Overtly Over the Top segment… which is mostly full of sad, desperate types who feel that they must use their sexuality to get ahead…some are more successful than others…for sure.

Mrs. Mundt represents that “sad and desperate” side…she is a stripper by trade, and apparently is willing to show a little skin for a cigarette.

Booberella…come on. Her name has BOOB in it… But, I certainly DO NOT agree with burning her at the stake.  This task has to be the result of some act of revenge for a programmer who has a love/hate relationship with women. It’s just weird…and I never, ever do this task.

Princess Kashmir is equally obvious…and kinda weirdly pathetic. I know…belly dancing is an “art form.”  But she just looks weird prancing around my town…forever…shaking…jiggling…prancing…forever…jiggling…and shaking…and…well, you get it.

I’m just gonna say it… The things that Miss Springfield has to do in the game and on the show are exploitative and horrible. She is a nice kid…who should have stayed in school. “Act like a cat?”  Pfffftttttt… I don’t thinks so. And the pervert who drew this animation even had the audacity to add in the weird “hair shaped-like-a-torso” subliminal art bit.  It makes it that much harder to turn away…it’s pathetic…and I feel guilty when I make her do it.

Which brings us to the latest addition of the “Women of Springfield for whom I have “a thing.”  (saying it like that almost makes it sound OK…almost).

I bought Femme Fatale the minute she became available. Instant buy. I saw her scene when I re-watched the episode this event is based upon…and I had to have her. Those legs. That look. That gun!  What’s not to love? And…as it turns out…she is very athletic.

OK. Look…I’m not proud of any of this. But, I see it as harmless fun. I’m not Bill O’Reilly or Bill Cosby…or even some guy in the corner named “William” who kinda creeps you out. I am the same guy, who appreciates a world filled with strong, intelligent women who are comfortable with their sexuality. And yes…I feel bad for most of the “overtly sexual” on this list…because they represent some programmer’s idea of what is “Sexy” about women. I feel bad for the programmer.

I know…I know…there is no good way out of this…no “great ending” to make sense of it all. But, there you have it. Yet one more reason I keep “tapping,” (STOP! Wipe that smirk off of your faces!).

I blame EA…and the programmers…and updates that keep us Grinding. You have to do SOMETHING to keep you coming back. Right?

Come on. Confess… what little tricks do you use to keep TSTO interesting? I can’t be alone. Am I? Alone? Standing in the corner...tapping?

Sheesh… the world is too PC.  And yes…if my wife sees this post…she may take my game away.


100 responses to “Femme Fatale…Just Another Female Designed to Make Me Feel Bad

  1. Damn you Patric giving away ‘Secret Men’s Business’…


  2. Josephine Kick@$$

    😂😂😂😂 I’m going to have to keep this one earmarked every time I need a good laugh… thank goodness you are surrounded by so many women, I think that’s probably the only way you’ve been “kept in check” all of these years! 😜😜


  3. Dude, That’s funny. I can’t lie, I’ve definitely put Mindy on her sunbathing job when the other characters were on 8 or 24 hour jobs. I’m glad I’m not alone.


  4. Thanks Patric, for making me feel not so bad/alone about my quest to only spend my bonuts on the hotties of Springfield: Xoxochitla, Charcoal Briquette, Booberella, Amber Simpson/Ginger Flanders, Francesca, Lurleen, Paris Texan (no bonuts for her but a lot of grinding), Princess Kashmir and Shauna (she reminds me of being in high school). Like you, I snatched up Femme Fatale as soon as I saw her. My only regrets are that at the time I couldn’t afford Luanne and her squirrel outfit or Miss Springfield’s catsuit (earned her during the Whacking Day event).


  5. Vanessa Brenengen

    I loved your article. I also love to keep all shirtless men available. But my absolute favorite task it to send Homer (whenever he is available) in his Fat skin on the “let it all hang out at the beach” task. The pixelated crotch gets me every time. So funny!


  6. The latest premium characters are priced right however if they are not voiced? No bueno EA (until said characters come back again at discount) 🤔


  7. I gotta admit, all my characters that can go shirtless do! Shirtless Ned, Bare chested Willie, Tatum in his boxing gear.. I even have Fat Tony shirtless in the spa kicking back with Freddie Quimby who’s on a lounger in just his speedos! The Fracker marches around big chest on display and even Abe Simpsons strips down to his underwear to celebrate New Years. Granted I’m not a straight fella, but I appreciate the shirtless characters as much as any straight fella would ogle over Femme Fatale 😉


  8. I almost bought femme Fatale & kind of shocked that the animators was able to get her into the game with only underwear.
    This game is PG right ? (Even if a lot of the jokes are not)

    I won’t be buying her though because I don’t want to feel guilty every time I see her in my game.


  9. What about Cookie Kwan protecting her territory? That kick keeps me from insisting my husband play tsto. And you can’t tell me that most (c’mon girls) didn’t zoom in on the Brazilian tourist that looked like he was sans his thong when shaking his groove thang. Am I right animators?


  10. So funny! I really enjoyed your post, all it needs now is another one from the female perspective. But even as a straight woman I have to say that most of the women in the game look way sexier than the men. Plus, I am almost sure that the few obviously “sexy” men are what male animators thought would be sexy. So, no, I don’t have any male eye candy tasks in my game. But I will think about it some more over the weekend. 🙂


  11. Kawaii!


  12. I’ll admit, I got shirtless Willie for his washboard abs, and I usually prefer Tatum in his boxing skin, although it has shorter visual tasks so I don’t always use it. I can’t think of other male eye candy in the game apart from Shredded Ned. My Ned is always being chased by Ginger, though, because it’s a decent-length visual task for her and I find it somewhat amusing. (Also, Flanders is a little too wholesome for me, if that makes sense.)
    And I’d suggest “dress up in the flag” for Luann’s flirtiest task. I personally like to keep her near the town hall, being patriotic and sexy.
    As to burning Boobarella, it’s actually my regular task for her, but I justify it by putting her on a movie set. Not real fire, you see, it’s movie fire. I just find it more interesting than selling peanuts.
    I also like having Mindy working on her tan, but when there’s snow on the ground I prefer to have her look cool on her motorcycle. Different kind of sexy, but she still looks good, and at least she has a jacket. (Slightly off topic, I want to know how she eats the way she does and still looks that good in a bikini.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I forgot about Willie! He is a total stud puppet…in the parlance of Mel Gibson in Braveheart. I’m only guessing what he sports under his kilt…and am relatively happy that the animators didn’t go that far.


    • I always thought that Ned being so pure was part of the joke. First of all, clean living is supposed to be the reason he’s in such great shape. But also, the irony of one of the sexiest men in town being the least likely man to take advantage of it.


      • It probably is part of the joke, yes, but that doesn’t stop it from being kind of a turn off. At least to me. I’m sure plenty of people would disagree, and that’s what gives everyone a place in this world.


  13. I waited a long time to get Booberella.And I’m not sorry either.It was worth it.


  14. ellieoftheflump

    Today I discovered that I am the same age as Kylie Minogue and got depressed at how we compare………so if you promise not to tell anyone……I am off to get Skinner to do his dance shaking his booty at the fire station to cheer me up 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m kinda surprised you didn’t mention Brandeen. I swear, she is so far out of Cletus’ league but keeps popping those Spucklers out like a machine. Wash her up and run a comb through her hair and she’d give most Springfield women a run for their money. She’s as faithful as Marge and clearly “does it” for Cletus (as evidenced by said brood). Love her, she is my favorite female in the game. Of course, I am an old, straight woman so I imagine I’m missing something about the rest of the girls.

    Liked by 2 people

    • This whole thread is cracking me up. I’m not sure if it makes me feel better about myself, for not being “alone” in my secret fantasy world. Or if I feel bad about bringing all of this into the open! LOL!

      But, this is SO much more fun than talking about KEM farming. Sorry…it’s true!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply....

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s