Thank Grog It’s Firday!
Wow…what a week! And, I’m not just talking about the fact that we are finally finished with this “less than inspiring” event. Imagine my disappointment in finding out that Homer’s great, great, great grandfather is only an android in our game! Why are all of the other “younger versions” allowed to be full, regular characters, while this great, multi-talented man of color, is relegated to just being a mechanical representation? I could start a whole conspiracy theory about this…
But, I won’t.
There are enough REAL conspiracies out there, in the REAL world, to make any conspiracy about the intention of the writers for TSTO seem trivial. I mean…HOLYFREAKINSHIRT! There’s a Pandemic Goin’ On Out There!!!
Forget about not having enough donuts to rush the event…there is a widespread shortage on TOILET PAPER in the real world!!!! Toilet paper!!!
So…as I write this, the whole world is telling you to buckle up, stay inside, and stop gathering in places with lots of people. They are cancelling concert events, playoffs, seminars, church services, and university and community school classes, along with untold profits in the stock market.
But, WE ARE AHEAD OF THE PANIC!!! We have a plan to get through all of this…
After all…Tapping by it’s very nature is the kind of “group activity” that is perfect for a pandemic! You don’t really see or touch anyone! There is no real food involved, as the donuts are all virtual! And the best news, is that it doesn’t take single piece of toilet paper to accomplish your goals, no matter how many virtual donuts you consume!
Which is a good thing…because there is no toilet paper to be had!
But, that isn’t to say that you shouldn’t exert the utmost of caution in your tapping!
Here are some TIPS to SAFE TAPPING During the PANDEMIC!!!
1. Wash your hands. This is just common sense. After all, nobody knows where in the heck your hands of been. Right? They recommend that you wash your hands for at LEAST 20 seconds, several times a day. For those of you who have a problem imagining 20 seconds, it is about the length of time it takes for your game to get the “Bart Screen of Death” while trying to collect donuts from KEM or Rat Truck Truck farming.
2. Clean your padular device with antiseptic wipes, or a mild alcohol swab. It has just been released that to kill the Coronavirus, wipes with bleach do not work. Those only kill bacteria, and Covid-19 is a virus. So…you need wipes that have alcohol in them…like a light wipe with Purell. Of course, the fact that you can’t find Purell for less than $970 a bottle because of a shortage, and online price gouging, may cause you to look for other solutions.
Why do you need to clean your padular devices?
Because…they are NASTY Petri Dishes for germs!!
According to many experts in this article, there are as many as 2500 bacterial germs per square inch on your screen. So those of us with big phones (and yes…size does matter when it comes to phones), have anywhere between 175,000 and 250,000 bacteria on the average Plus-size screen!
I do NOT recommend using infused vodka, unless you are trying to give yourself an internal alcohol cleans. It turns out that flavor-infused alcohol, while very tasty, is also very sticky, and may in fact gum up your padular device’s keys. Which will lead you to needing those Purell wipes…which you can’t get. So, I repeat…do not use vodka on your phone, only in your drink of choice, as you await the coming Zombie apocalypse. NOTE: Rumor has it, that the zombies will no longer be seeking brains, but will be searching for toilet paper.
3. If you can’t afford Purell, (and who can these days, after the stock market just tanked?), there are a couple of lower priced options for you.
a. You might want to do your tapping with a bit of a plastic barrier between you and your screen. Simple sandwich bags, or freezer bags for larger devices work great! For whatever reason, they are still readily available at the store (until people see this article and start hoarding them).
I found that a standard sandwich bag was not big enough for my iPhone 8+…so I opted for a One Gallon Freezer Bag. This is also adequate for most padular devices.
b. You might want to just use a pair of those cheap latex gloves they sell by the box-load online. The plus side of buying large quantities of rubber gloves, is that they are extremely handy (get it? handy? hahaha) for other types of play, which are too personal to go into on a family site.
But, we are also being asked to cough and sneeze into our elbow…which I find really odd, as they are also asking us to do our “hand shake alternative” as an “ElBump,” basically bumping elbows in a weird “I see you…I’m not really going to block you like a downfield linbacker on a kickoff…I’m just saying hello!” kind of thing.
But, that makes for a ton of runny, sloppy, sleeves that most likely have WAY more germs per square inch than our padular devices. For this reason, I wrap my arms in garbage bags and tape them off with duct tape. That makes for Extra Safe tapping when combined with the latex gloves!
I tried this combination by upping the protection to a sturdy pair of work gloves. While it certainly made me feel safer (especially from slivers, or cuts from sharp shards of metal) it did not allow me to make enough contact with the screen, to actually Tap in my game!
But with the shortage of toilet paper (pictured below) , hand cleanliness is only part of the problem. If there is no toilet paper (and apparently there isn’t). we need to address other areas of Tapping Cleanliness.
So…knowing that a shortage of Toilet Paper is going to create sanitation problems in your nether region, I knew that I had to test my other concepts in the most logical place to get clean…the SHOWER!
The garbage bag, rubber glove, freezer bag method, proved exceptionally successful. I was able to keep my phone in full, waterproof, tapping mode, while uncovering my nether regions and man-parts to the cleansing cascade of hot water! Now…if someone would invent a Vodka on a Rope shower accessory, I’d be completely ready for the coming Pandemic and resulting Zombie Apocalypse.
Successful Safe Tapping for Any Impending or Current Pandemic!
I hope you are all staying safe, and warm, and dry, and coronavirus free! It’s gonna get weirder before it gets better…and let’s not forget that it’s also an election year!
But, let’s not forget the Simpson’s ability to predict the future… dum,dum, duuuuuuuuuuum…
I may just stock up on rubber gloves and vodka…and call it good.