The Great Burnsby: Dialog Recap

 
If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time you’re in luck.
Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this mini event …

Here’s what’s in this post:
• Intro: Going Once Going Twice Sold to Mr. Burns!
• Prize Track: The Great Burnsby parts 1 to 5
• Outro: Back to the Grind

Intro: Going Once, Going Twice, Sold to Mr. Burns!

Auctioneer: Going once, going twice, this 18th century Qing Dynasty porcelain vase is…
Auctioneer: *bangs gavel* SOLD to Mr. Burns for $10,000!
Burns: Smithers, order me a celebratory drink!
Smithers: Excuse me, bartender, can I get a Brandy Alexander?
Moe: A what? Order something normal. All I got is booze that looks like water, and beer that tastes like water.
Burns: Oh my, a sassy servant? I’ve heard about these. Who are you and what is your full-time occupation?
Moe: Moe Szyslak here, the proud owner of the worst bar in Springfield. I’m only mixing drinks at this snooze fest so I can keep my bar’s doors open — not that anyone would notice if they closed.
Burns: I too own a small business…as well as many large businesses, and even larger conglomerates. What is the name of your enterprise?
Smithers: Sir, Moe Szyslak owns and operates “Moe’s Tavern”. It’s semi-popular amongst a small throng of your least effective employees.
Burns: Moe’s Tavern, eh? I must admit, I have never heard of your haunt nor plan to ever set foot in it. But I do find your candidness refreshing in this extremely pretentious bubble I choose to live in.
Moe: Look, I’m not used to super-wordy compliments. If I say “thank youse” will you give me a giant tip or something?
Smithers: Sir, we should get going. They’re about to auction off that Russian oligarch’s yacht that was seized in Monaco.
Burns: Don’t interrupt, Smithers. Now, Mr. Szyslak, how would you like to escape this monotonous auction and join me and my friends at my mansion? It’ll be an after-party for the ages!
Moe: After-party at a mansion?! Beats watering down drinks for these geriatric freaks, no offense.
Burns: Excellent!
Moe: Wait, this isn’t some ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ erotic ritual type party, right? Because Venetian masks don’t cover enough of my face according to most women.
Burns: No, no. It’s just a standard fête with some of my favorite “chums-from-other-mums”.
Burns: Smithers, ready the blimp-ousine!
Moe: Blimp-ousine?
Burns: It’s a limousine blimp. My helicopter’s in the shop, as is my limousine helicopter. But not to worry, the old stretch Hindenburg still flies great.

• Make Mr. Burns Boast About the Blimp-ousine – 6 seconds
• Make Moe Drink Champagne – 6 seconds

Moe: I can’t believe I’m on a blimp-ousine! I’m as happy as Tom Hanks in ‘Big’ when he got to date that hot, older businesswoman!
Burns: It’s a magnificent mode of transport. Sure, it takes four times as long as driving a car, but you can’t beat the feeling of looking down on all of Springfield from up here.
Burns: Smithers, refill our champagne while I excuse myself to the urinal.
Smithers: What urinal?
Smithers: Oh, you mean the city below us. Of course.
Moe: So Smithers, are you like this rich guy’s butler or something?
Smithers: No, I’m an elite member of Mr. Burns’ inner circle. I have proved myself and thus attained a status befitting my success.
Moe: Geez, I don’t need your whole life story.
Smithers: Look, Moe, before we get to Burns’ manor, I should warn you…
Moe: Warn me?! So this IS some creepy ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ type party?!
Smithers: NO. Did you recently see that movie or something? You keep mentioning it.
Moe: Nah, never seen it.
Smithers: There is no “after-party”.
Moe: Whaaaaa?!
Smithers: Mr. Burns didn’t invite you to his mansion just to stay one night. He’s inviting you to live there for the summer as his latest “protégé.”
Moe: That’s what you’re warning me about?! That I get to live at an awesome mansion for the entire summer?! Is there a pool?! I bet there’s a pool!
Smithers: There are several pools. Do you really think Mr. Burns regards you as anything other than a toy?
Moe: Who cares? Thirty minutes ago I was bartending for non-tipping fat-cats, and now I’m taking a limousine blimp to a mansion.

 
Prize Track: The Great Burnsby parts 1 to 5

The Great Burnsby part 1:
● Burn’s Helicopter (Decoration)

Burns: Welcome to Burns’ Manor. Some people call it “Saltburns” — not sure why. Anyway, let me give you a quick tour.
Moe: Wow, this is huge! How much did you pay for — never mind, I’ll just look it up on Zillow later.
Burns: Very gentlemanly of you…
Moe: By later I mean now. Holy crap! The Zestimate doesn’t even fit on my screen.
Burns: Then we’ll have to get you a large phone. Now, quick mansion tour: foyer, second foyer, powder room, oh and here’s the room that’s full of trapdoors.
Moe: Where do they all go?
Burns: Spikes, crocodiles, vats of acid. I like to switch things up. One thing I can assure you though is that none of them lead to an exit.
Burns: Every second on this earth is a miniature battle and if your intention isn’t to leave the other side in ruin, then you’ll be the one who ends up with nothing.
Moe: Hey, I’m with you. At my tavern, if you don’t pay your tab, my 12-gauge comes out to collect.
Burns: I like you, Moe. Sure, you’re rough around the edges and a specific kind of ugly that I am unable to fully capture using words…but I see a lot of me in you.
Moe: Again, not sure how to respond to all the compliments…so I’ll just take that as an insult.

• Collect Stolen Artwork – x 115
• Make Burns Continue His Tour – 4 hours
• Make Moe Ask How Much Each Painting Costs – 4 hours

Burns: This is my bedroom suite, my bathroom suite, my table tennis chamber, the screening room, room filled with stolen Rembrandts, the hounds’ quarters…
Moe: This is the longest house tour I’ve ever been on.
Burns: And here’s your room, fit with a claw-footed tub, walk-in closet, and eagle-feathered king mattress.
Moe: My own room? With my own bed? At the tavern I was sleeping on a blood-stained pool table with a dart board for a pillow and bar rag for a blanket.
Burns: Before you get settled, I should introduce you to my inner-circle of friends. They all live at the manor as well.
Burns: This is Blue-Haired Lawyer. He handles all of my important business. He also has blue hair.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Objection! Relevance?
Burns: And this is the Yes Guy. He’s truly the heart and soul of this place. He’s up for anything!
The Yes Guy: Yesssssss!
Moe: Why do you talk like that?
The Yes Guy: Because I’m the Yessss Guy!
Burns: You’ll grow to love him. And finally, meet Lindsay Naegle — she’s my marketing expert and dearest friend. You’re likely to find her sunbathing by the pool or wandering the halls in highly inappropriate outfits.
Lindsay Naegle: Pleasure to meet you, Moe.
Moe: Enchante. That’s French for “I’m down”.
Moe: Ooh la la!
Lindsay Naegle: *whispering to Moe* Meet me in my room later…
Burns: And of course, you’ve already met Smithers.
Moe: Indeed, I have.
Burns: Look at you, you’re already speaking like a gentleman. You’re a welcome addition to our gang!
The Yes Guy: Yesssss!
Smithers: Fantastic…
Burns: Oh and Moe, here are the keys to the helicopter should you ever decide to leave the manor.
Moe: I won’t! But give me the keys anyway!

 
The Great Burnsby part 2:
● Crowd of Lawyers (Decoration)

Lindsay Naegle: I had a great time last night, Moe. I still can’t believe how forward you were!
Moe: Me? You came to my room at 3am in a see-through nightdress and slapped me in the face to wake me up.
Lindsay Naegle: I’ve lived here a long time, but I still find myself getting lost…
Moe: Well, feel free to get lost again tonight. Tomorrow night too. Maybe give me a little rest after that though, you know, to rebuild my stamina.

• Collect Stolen Artwork – x 115
• Make Moe Befriend Housemates – 4 hours
• Make Burns Get Jealous of Moe’s Time With Lindsay – 4 hours
• Make Smithers Track Moe’s Every Move – 4 hours

Smithers: Hello, Mr. Szyslak.
Moe: How’s it hangin’, Smithers?
Moe: Or should I say: “what symphony does your soul orchestrate in the grand concert hall of today?”
Smithers: I see what you’re doing, Moe. Sleeping with Lindsay, getting the Yes Guy to say “no” for the first time, convincing Blue-Haired Lawyer to move to South Africa and become Blue-Haired Wildlife Photographer.
Moe: I did all that? I only remember sleeping with Lindsay.
Smithers: I’m onto you, Szyslak. Sure, you’re Burns’ favorite right now, but he’d never leave the mansion to you. Never.
Moe: I’ve never expected him to leave me nothin’.
Smithers: This place is not for people like you. It’s a pipe dream. It is just a small anecdote that you’ll bore your tavern rats with at Christmas…
Smithers: Because soon enough, your vacation will be over. And you’ll be handing back the helicopter keys, and on the next train back to Springfield.
Moe: Are you still talking?! You’re soooo boring. I barely paid attention to any of that!
Smithers: In the meantime, now that Blue-Haired Lawyer is gone, I made sure Burns hired a team of lawyers to handle his affairs.
Moe: So what? Why are you telling me that?
Smithers: So you’ll know not to try anything funny. Also to explain why there’s going to be a lot of lawyers around.
Moe: Sounds great. If you feel the need to corner me again with another one of your soliloquys, I’ll be skeet-shooting a bunch of antique dinner plates by the pool.

 
The Great Burnsby part 3:
● Springfield Funeral Home (Building)

Moe: Are you okay, Monty? You seem bothered about something.
Burns: No, I’m fine. Finger-tenting excellent even!
Burns: Oh, I can’t lie to you, Moe. I just feel like it’s slightly bad form is all — you getting with Lindsay Naegle.
Moe: It was?! She basically attacked me in the middle of the night, so I think that counts as consent is all.
Burns: Smithers saw you two. He said YOU initiated the canoodling.
Moe: That bowtied creep is lying. Sure, there was canoodling. But I never initiated nothin’!
Burns: I just find it to be a bit rude of you. I mean, I invited you to spend the summer at my mansion as my friend. Plus, Lindsay’s like a sister to me.
Moe: She is? You never said that. I’m pretty sure I would have remembered if you did. Because it’s a little unusual that she’d be like a sister to you, what with the massive age difference and all.
Burns: You don’t remember because you never pay attention, Moe. You’re always drinking champagne and shooting antiques with my antique guns.
Moe: But we shoot antiques together.
Burns: I know. And don’t get me wrong, it’s most enjoyable. I just think you should have spoken with me about this.
Moe: Look, the only reason I didn’t speak with you is because I didn’t want to embarrass Lindsay. I know she’s your friend and everything, but I think she has an addiction. She just wanders around the halls throwing herself at whoever she comes across. I didn’t want to spoil your image of her.
Burns: But what about what Smithers said?
Moe: That dude totally has a thing for you — he’ll say anything!
Burns: Well, I’m glad we spoke. What a relief. I was worried for a second that I had another Kirk Van Houten situation.
Moe: Kirk Van Houten?
Burns: Yeah, he was my protégé once. He came to stay here and developed a little thing for Lindsay, and everything just got so awkward, and then he accidentally fell in one of my trapdoors.
Moe: Well, I’m glad we still got our friendship. Wanna go shoot some antiques?
Burns: There’s nothing I’d rather do.

• Collect Stolen Artwork – x 145
• Make Burns Shoot More Antiques – 4 hours
• Make Moe Drink More Champagne – 4 hours

Smithers: What have you done?!
Moe: Like in my life? A lot of messed up things…crazily messed up…
Smithers: Mr. Burns is DEAD! A bullet ricocheted back at him when he skeet-shot an antique Roman shield.
Moe: Mr. Burns is dead?! But we were quickly becoming best friends!
Smithers: This is your fault, Moe.
Moe: Does Lindsay know about this?
Smithers: Of course! She was named Burns’ heir in his will.
Smithers: Anyway, I have to send an email to Blue-Haired Wildlife Photographer. He should be there for the funeral!
Moe: Oh, there’s a funeral? Well, I should probably stay for that then. Have the maid bring me some fresh towels.

 
The Great Burnsby part 4:
● Moe’s Convertible (Decoration)

Moe: Hiya there, Lindsay, I’m so sorry for your loss. Great speech at the funeral though…
Lindsay Naegle: Your politeness is so irritating. Do you know that?
Moe: Whaaa? So now you’re turning on me too? All I said was I’m sorry for your loss.
Lindsay Naegle: You’re always sorry. Always squirming and wriggling backward like a snake retreating into its den.
Lindsay Naegle: You disgust me, Moe Szyslak. I watched you weeping away and for a second I felt so sad for you. But then I remembered…you only knew Mr. Burns for what? Two months?
Moe: Not even. I think it’s just been a few days.
Lindsay Naegle: Yet here you still are. Right in the middle of it all…standing in my bathroom, desperately sopping up all my grief with that disgusting bar rag you walk around with.
Moe: Do you have some sort of point you’re trying to make? Because I’m super hungry and there’s so much leftover funeral food downstairs. I mean, those little egg salad sandwiches shouldn’t be left out like that for so long. It’d be a crime to let those babies spoil.
Lindsay Naegle: You’re a leech! You’re a disgusting insect sad rich people thought could slurp out all their ailments. All we need is a little less blood, so let’s take this leech, bring it into our home, and give it all the time in the world to suck us dry.
Moe: Is it just me or am I the only one who is getting super turned on right now?
Lindsay Naegle: This wasn’t meant to turn you on! It was meant to be my monologue revealing that I’ve perfectly distilled your character. That I’m the only one who was able to figure you out for what you truly are.
Moe: So, you’re not turned on?
Lindsay Naegle: I don’t know. The funeral is still so fresh. I just don’t know if I’m able to commit to anything.
Moe: Oh yeah, totally. Same for me. Ok, uh, wriggling backward to my den. Good talk. Peace out.
Lindsay Naegle: Okay, fine, I am into you, Moe!
Moe: And you think I’m the crazy one?!

• Collect Stolen Artwork – x 115
• Make Moe Spend Every Waking Moment With Lindsay – 4 hours
• Make Lindsay Naegle Spend Every Waking Moment With Moe – 4 hours
• Make Smithers Watch On With Envy – 4 hours

Smithers: Thank you for coming to see me, Moe. So… How much longer are you planning on staying here? Because after Mr. Burns dying, Lindsay won’t let you go…
Moe: Well, I don’t know how much longer. My bed’s pretty comfortable. And I’m happy to stay if it makes her feel better havin’ me around or whatever.
Smithers: That’s very kind of you, Moe. But I’m not so sure your presence is good for her. Or us. I think it’s time, Moe, for you to go back to your tavern discreetly. Tonight.
Moe: Ok. You don’t need to make a big deal of it. I get it. You want me gone.
Smithers: So you won’t go? That’s what you’re saying?!
Moe: I never said that! I said I’d go! But it ain’t because you and your ugly bow-tie are making me leave.
Smithers: Fine. I see that you’re playing hardball. How much?
Moe: Excuse me?
Smithers: I’m writing you a check. How much for you to leave the Manor, and never return?
Moe: I just said, I’d go for free. You’re not the best at negotiating.
Smithers: Name your price, Moe. We can’t move on until you leave!
Moe: Give me a second. I got to do a Google search for how big numbers go. Oh, here’s one…
Moe: A million dollars!
Smithers: A million? Be serious, Moe. Name a number bigger than that!
Moe: A million million?
Smithers: Man, I hate how good of a negotiator you are. Let’s make it ten shall we?
Moe: Ten dollars? Yeah, that’s fine. *reads check* Ten million dollars?! Holy crud buckets! This summer just gets better and better! Except for the death, of course.
Smithers: I never want to see you at this mansion ever again.
Moe: I’m already driving away!

 
The Great Burnsby part 5:
● Maxwell Flinch (Character)

Maxwell Flinch: Greetings, Mr. Szyslak. I’m a lawyer representing the estate of Mr. Burns.
Moe: So not a customer? Because you can’t use the can unless you buy something.
Maxwell Flinch: Actually, I’m here about the ten million dollar check written to you by a Mr. Waylon Smithers.
Moe: Oh, that? Yeah, I lost it. I was using it as a bookmark, but then I realized I hate reading and threw the book in the trash.
Maxwell Flinch: You accidentally threw out a check for ten million dollars?
Moe: No, I threw it out on purpose because I hate books. Are you not listening to me?
Maxwell Flinch: I just wanted to tell you that we canceled payment, so the check was no good anyway.
Maxwell Flinch: It turns out that Mr. Burns didn’t actually die, so your absence puts you in breach of contract as his protégé, and thus you’re owed nothing.
Moe: Mr. Burns is alive?! I mean, he was buried! I saw the corpse. More than just saw even! How is this possible?
Maxwell Flinch: The details are all here in this breach of contract document.
Moe: Just tell me, Perry Mason! I told you I don’t like reading!

• Collect Stolen Artwork – x 195
• Make Moe Listen to the Incredible Story – 4 hours

Moe: So Mr. Burns dug his way out of the grave using the femur of the guy in the grave next to him, huh? What a story!
Maxwell Flinch: Yes, that’s why it took so many hours to tell.
Moe: Well, it was a fun escape for me, and it’s a bummer I’m not rich and all, but I’m glad things are back to normal.
Maxwell Flinch: Yes. Anyway, if you have any more questions feel free to reach out…
Moe: To you?
Maxwell Flinch: No, to Blue-Haired Lawyer, who’s on his way back from Africa to resume his position as Mr. Burns’s attorney.
Moe: More things back to normal. That’s great.
Lindsay Naegle: There’s one thing that’s changed though. Moe, I’m madly in love with you!
Moe: Lindsay Naegle?!
Moe: If you want to use the ladies’ room, you have to buy something! Also, we ain’t got a ladies’ room.

 
Outro: Back to the Grind ( Dialog Only )

Moe: Well, look what the cat dragged back in — ME. And after my vacation, I’m reopening the bar!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Moe: Hold on, have you bums just been waiting in front of the bar this whole time?
Barney: Actually, we’ve all thrived while you were gone.
Homer: Yeah! I started a DIY home repair YouTube channel. I had so many of Flanders’ tools lying around, and I finally had the time to use ’em!
Lenny: And I started a labradoodle-only dog-walking side hustle. It’s called ‘Lenny’s Labradoodles’! I used the money I made from it to buy a new Hyundai!
Carl: I’m a successful Wedding DJ now! But my bread and butter is actually Bar Mitzvahs! Or should I say, my challah and butter! *DJ air horns*
Moe: So if everything’s so great now, what brings you back to my dive?
Homer: Come on, Moe, we missed you!
Lenny: Plus, we’re alcoholics.
Moe: I really missed you lousy degenerates!

That wraps things up for this event, back when the next update hits.