If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time you’re in luck.
Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this act …
PS – A reminder that act 2 starts tomorrow
In this post:
• Intro: Everything Old Is Legal Again
• Prize Track: The Made Men Who Made Us parts 1 to 5
Everything Old Is Legal Again:
Homer: I love ballot initiatives! And this year I’m all about the power of “yes”. Yes to all!
Marge: I’m not sure, Homer. Some of these initiatives are very troubling.
Quimby: The important thing is they’re all the ones I support, proving that wealthy and well-connected politicians rule!
Moe: We made it legal to break somebody’s legs if they welch on a bet? Finally, I got something I want!
Blue Haired Lawyer: You all did. Legal or illegal, everything has passed.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Voting “yes” works!
Blue Haired Lawyer: It worked if that’s what you truly wanted.
Quimby: As your newly re-elected mayor, I declare this ballot a success! Now get my constituents away from me for another four years.
• Make Voters Legalize Basically Everything – x 5, 6 seconds
• Make Quimby Gloat About Legislative Win – 6 seconds
• Make Blue-Haired Lawyer Explain What They’ve Done – 6 seconds
• Make Homer Not Understand What He’s Done – 6 seconds
Quimby: All right, Mr. Smarty-Pants Lawyer, what have we done?
Blue Haired Lawyer: You’ve made everything legal.
Quimby: I’m sure some things are still illegal.
Homer: Like running pants-less through the streets?
Barney: That was legalized two votes ago. WHEEEEE! I’m plastered and free!
Wiggum: Thank goodness murder is still illegal.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Technically, no. There was a ballot initiative two election cycles ago to make it legal to kill someone.
Wiggum: That was for the police only! And only for good reason. Like someone nabbing the last donut right out from under me.
Blue Haired Lawyer: That’s not how the law works, Chief Wiggum.
Wiggum: Ugh. That’s why cops hate following the law!
Prize Track: The Made Men Who Made Us parts 1 to 5
The Made Men Who Made Us part 1:
● The Lucky Stiff Funeral Home (Building)
Marge: Why are you kids still waiting for the bus?
Lisa: Now that everything is legal, we can’t count on Otto anymore.
Ralph: He’s tickling his brain with cuckoo smoke.
Bart: And if that’s legal, so is skipping school. I’m outta here!
Homer: And so are high-interest loans backed by the threat of violence. They’re not just for the mob anymore.
Marge: Are you talking about loan sharking, Homer?
Homer: Absolutely legal. I just read it off a news feed on my myPhone.
Fat Tony: Ugh. With everything legal, average Springfield citizens can run numbers and shark loans. They don’t even have to break legs!
Legs: I like breakin’ legs!
Fat Tony: Yes, but when WE do it, we go to jail.
Legs: I don’t like the goin’ to jail part.
• Collect Wallets – x 105 
• Make Springfielders Enjoy Lawlessness – x 5, 4 hours
• Make Otto Enjoy It More Than Most – 4 hours
• Make Marge Worry About What’s Happening – 4 hours
• Make Homer Read the News on His myPhone – 4 hours
• Make Wise Guys Be Disgusted by Events – x 2, 4 hours
Frankie The Squealer: Uh, hey, guys. Don Vittorio wants to know when he’s getting his cut of our action this week.
Louie: There ain’t no action with everything being all legal now.
Fat Tony: We’re gonna have to dip into our secret cash stash.
Frankie The Squealer: Uh, I got some bad news… Johnny Tightlips swiped the secret stash to buy himself a truckload of Italian loafers at Pay-more Shoe Store.
Fat Tony: That makes me very angry…at YOU, Frankie!
Frankie The Squealer: Me?!
Fat Tony: Stealing to adorn one’s feet I respect. Finking on a fratello makes you a rat, and no one likes a rat.
The Made Men Who Made Us part 2:
● Play Whack-A-Mole (Animated Job for Fat Tony)
Moe: Herman, spot me some cash so I can pay the storage for the fur coats I’m fencing.
Herman: I gotcha, Moe. The vig’s gonna be three points.
Fat Tony: Excuse me, gentlemen, but I believe that’s our business you’re elbowing in on.
Moe: Stolen furs and loan sharkin’ ain’t illegal no more. You and your mugs can shove off.
Herman: And shoving off is legal too!
Legs: Maybe you’re not hearing right. If you don’t keep your mitts outta Fat Tony’s business someone’s gonna get hurt.
Herman: It won’t be us. *reveals a grenade*
Moe: What he said. *pulls out a flame thrower*
Fat Tony: I hate when peaceful citizens are more criminal than criminals.
• Collect Wallets – x 115
• Make Springfielders Enjoy Feeling Like Gangsters – x 5, 4 hours
• Make Gangsters Not Enjoy Feeling Like Ordinary Citizens – x 2, 4 hours
Louie: Check it out, boss. Liftin’ wallets is like takin’ candy from a baby!
Legs: We’re also takin’ candy from babies!
Fat Tony: You guys are picking pockets?
Louie: We gotta do something to pay the bills.
Frankie The Squealer: Bullets don’t grow on trees…do they?
Fat Tony: How could we sink so low so fast?
Legs: That reminds me…we’ve gone to a cheaper concrete to cut costs on cement shoes.
Fat Tony: *groan*
The Made Men Who Made Us part 3:
● Mound of Stolen Wallets (Decoration)
Fat Tony: Let us face facts: the only thing we’re good at is crime.
Frankie The Squealer: But there ain’t no more crime!
Louie: Unless…we get into doing crimes against nature. We could start gene splicing—
Fat Tony: We are NOT getting into the crimes against nature business! We need money.
Louie: But if we spliced a watermelon with a banana—
Fat Tony: No splicing!
• Collect Wallets – x 85
• Make Fat Tony Order His Men to Invent New Crimes – 4 hours
• Make Wise Guys Disturb Tony With Their Ideas – x 2, 4 hours
Fat Tony: Stolen wallets and purses? That’s so old school.
Legs: We’re behind the eight ball on this, boss. All the cool new crimes are coming out of Asia.
The Made Men Who Made Us part 4:
● Garbage Island (Decoration)
Fat Tony: Fellas, I hate to say it, but we’re gonna have to get real jobs.
Legs: I can’t work for Starbucks. My espresso skills are sorely lacking.
Louie: And how can I work in a baby furniture store after whackin’ dozens of union leaders?
• Collect Wallets – x 105
• Make Fat Tony Order His Men to Get Real Jobs – 4 hours
• Make Wise Guys Reluctantly Get Real Jobs – x 2, 4 hours
Fat Tony: Why are there empty cans and bottles in the back of my limo?
Legs: We’re collecting cans and bottles for their redemption value.
Louie: We get a nickel and sometimes a dime for each one we dig out of the trash.
Fat Tony: That’s such chump change.
Legs: But we’re the best chumps in town!
The Made Men Who Made Us part 5:
● Original Springfield Post Office (Building)
Frankie The Squealer: You know the real hoodlums are the tech companies!
Louie: They’re always innovating and comin’ out with new stuff we simply can’t live without. I hate those guys so much.
Fat Tony: Mob Lawyer, how can this tech hatred help get us back into the crime game?
Mob Lawyer: Do any of you know anything about computers?
Legs: I know lots about computers.
Mob Lawyer: Other than them “falling off the back of a truck” and selling them in the Kwik-E-Mart parking lot?
Legs: Oh. Then no.
Fat Tony: You need to find us something illegal we can do, pronto! Or you’ll be the one falling off the back of a truck. Capisce?
Mob Lawyer: I capisce. I suppose you’ll need that “capisce” in writing?
• Collect Wallets – x 145
• Make Fat Tony Lean on His Lawyer – 4 hours
• Make the Mob Lawyer Try to Find Something Illegal – 4 hours
• Make Wise Guys Try to Find Something to Do – x 2, 4 hours
Louie: Hey Boss, people on the street are going crazy for something called “tomacco” — and get this, it’s still illegal!
Fat Tony: How is this possible?
Mob Lawyer: Years ago there was an epidemic of the stuff. It needed radiation to grow, so a law was passed against radiation-grown crops. That law got buried in the books.
Mob Lawyer: It’s the only thing that’s still illegal in Springfield.
Fat Tony: Hear that, boys? We’re getting into the tomacco business!
That wraps up Act 1, back when it’s time for Act 2.
I am not an animal!
Tomacco: keep the animals away.