If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time then you’re in luck. Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this mini event
What’s in this post
• Intro
• Prize track parts 1 to 5
• Outro
• Boardwalk Boost
Intro: The Clam Before the… Other Clams
Wiggum: Come on Quimby, just do this one thing for me.
Quimby: I-er can’t fire half the firemen just because you want to win your softball league.
Wiggum: But the firemen are unbeatable! Even their dalmatian is batting over .400!
Quimby: Don’t you guys have police K-9s specially trained for softball?
Wiggum: We do, but they keep getting distracted on the field. Turns out a lot of bodies get buried under baseball diamonds…
Lou: Last game, our German shepherd struck out while digging up Paul “The Prosciutto” Palermo.
Wiggum: He was Fat Tony’s personal prosciutto curer.
Quimby: That man made a lot of enemies and also a mean Italian sub.
Sea Captain: YARRRRRRRRRRR!
Quimby: Er… this is a private dinner…
Sea Captain: My trusty wooden leg and me will be hittin’ you o’er the skull for the wrong you’ve done to me Squidport!
Quimby: Don’t assassinate me! Whatever I did… I’ll undo it! I’ll press “undo”!
Sea Captain: I’m sending you to Davey Jones’ locker, Mayor!
Quimby: *scared noises*
Lou: *scared noises*
Wiggum: *eating noises*
• Make the Sea Captain Yell at Quimby – 6 seconds
• Make Quimby Regret Whatever Caused This – 6 seconds
• Make Wiggum Call the Police – 6 seconds
• Make Lou Explain Why it Went to Voicemail – 6 seconds
Wiggum: *panting* If I wasn’t here, Sea Captain probably would have attacked the mayor — which means I saved the mayor’s life!
Sea Captain: Hold yer shackles, Wiggum. You didn’t save any life! My intention was to exercise my God-given right as a sailor to voice my discontent with the scallywags in power.
Sea Captain: To seek a parlay, if you will.
Quimby: Wiggum, arrest this man.
Sea Captain: No need. I’m leaving!
Sea Captain: But I swear on the name of Poseidon and all the Fishiest Gods of the Holy Sea, that I’ll have my revenge, Mayor Quimby… through the proper channels of the Springfield justice system of course.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP
That unlocks the event prize track quests and store items
Prize Track: Shiver Me Barnacles, parts 1 to 5
Shiver Me Barnacles, part 1:
Judge Snyder: “We, the jury, find the defendant, Snake Jailbird, not guilty of all charges and award wrongful imprisonment damages in an amount of no less than $300,000.”
Snake: Crime DOES pay!
Judge Snyder: Next case on the docket is: “Horatio Mc Callister vs. The City of Springfield”.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Blue-Haired Lawyer, representing the city of Springfield.
Sea Captain: Horatio Mc Callister, appearing pro se. Which is latin for “I have no lawyer, arrr!”
Judge Snyder: Ok, let’s start with your opening statement.
Sea Captain: Aye. But first, I’d like to propose a motion granting me the right to present my statement in the form of a sea shanty.
Blue Haired Lawyer: I object, on the grounds that sea shanties are very catchy and may unduly influence the judge and jury.
Judge Snyder: I’d like to hear the Captain’s shanty.
Judge Snyder: *hits gavel* Motion granted.
Sea Captain: OHHHHH QUIMBY, YE ROGUISH MUTINEER / WHAT’S WITH YOUR NEW BOARDWALK AND PIER? / YOU SPENT OUR TAXES AND HARD-EARNED DOUGH / NOW MY HOUSEBOAT’S STUCK WITH NO PLACE TO GO
Sea Captain: *takes big breath, then continues*
Sea Captain: THIS BOARDWALK BARNACLE BLOCKS MY PORT OF CALL / SO HORATIO’S GOT NOTHING LEFT TO HAUL / NO SPICES, SILKS, AND FISH TO TRADE / YET CORRUPT QUIMBY’S GETTING PAID
Quimby: “Corrupt?” That’s slander!
Sea Captain: OH, I’D SET SAIL ON THE SEA / WHERE MY HEART AND SPIRIT’S TRUE AND FREE / I’D CROSS THE HORIZON AND DRINK SOME RUM / BUT MY SHIP’S MAROONED ‘CAUSE QUIMBY IS DUMB!
Blue Haired Lawyer: How much more of this, your honor?
Sea Captain: Two more stanzas.
Judge Snyder: I’ll allow it.
Sea Captain: HE THINKS HE’S SMART, THINKS HE’S SLY / BUT I’M HERE TO TELL SPRINGFIELD THAT THAT’S A LIE / HE’S GOT A SCHEME, TO BLOCK THE PORT / THAT’S WHY I TOOK HIM STRAIGHT TO COURT
Sea Captain: OH, I’D SET SAIL ON THE SEA / WHERE MY HEART AND SPIRIT’S TRUE AND FREE / I’D CROSS THE HORIZON AND DRINK SOME RUM / BUT MY SHIP’S MAROONED ‘CAUSE QUIMBY IS DUMB!
Judge Snyder: Good rhyming, Captain Mc Callister.
Sea Captain: Arrr, much obliged.
• Collect Slarg Fish – x 95
• Make the Sea Captain Be Outraged – 4 hours
• Make Judge Snyder Call for Witnesses – 4 hours
• Make the Blue-Haired Lawyer Calculate His Fee – 4 hours
Judge Snyder: Let me see if I understand this correctly. Mayor Quimby made an offer for the Barnacle Bay Marina, which was accepted by the city of Barnacle Bay.
Judge Snyder: And the materials for this marina, which have already begun arriving in our city, have been placed in an area previously used as a mooring spot for the plaintiff, Sea Captain.
Blue Haired Lawyer: You got all that from his little sea shanty?
Sea Captain: Arr, it was in the subtext.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Your honor, this case should be dismissed. Horatio Mc Callister hasn’t paid his “dock tax” in years and his boat isn’t even moored in a residential zone.
Judge Snyder: Fine, fine. But answer me this: the offer that Mayor Quimby made for the Barnacle Bay Marina. Where did those funds come from?
Blue Haired Lawyer: I fail to see how that question pertains to this lawsuit, Your Honor.
Judge Snyder: Humor me, counsel.
Quimby: Er-uh, the money came from city funds that were earmarked for… uh, Urban Development?
Judge Snyder: Yeah — you’re clearly making that up on the spot…
Judge Snyder: *bangs gavel* I’m siding in favor of the plaintiff due to Mayor Quimby once again wasting city funds on something our city doesn’t need. Also, he sang a delightful and catchy sea shanty.
Sea Captain: Yarr a true gentleman, yarr honor.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building: Boardwalk Carousel
Shiver Me Barnacles, part 2:
Helen Lovejoy: Did you hear about the latest Quimby scandal?
Luann: Wasting precious city funds on that eyesore of a boardwalk?
Agnes: He’s turning Springfield into a mecca for beach bums and vagrants!
Helen Lovejoy: And for what? A few more cotton candy stands and cheap souvenirs? No thank you!
Marge: But at least we’ll have that historic carousel on the boardwalk, right?
Helen Lovejoy: Yes, Marge. A ratty old carousel. Just what every town needs.
Marge: When I was a kid, I had so many great memories on that carousel.
Agnes: That old carousel is a spinning-lawsuit waiting to happen.
Luann: Yeah, let’s just give our kiddos a rusty ride on a lead-painted horse. That’ll make it all worth it.
• Collect Slarg Fish – x 125
• Make Marge Remember Childhood Memories – 4 hours
• Make Investorettes Roll Their Eyes x 3x- 4 hours
Marge: Wait, so the carousel isn’t enough to change your minds on this?
Luann: Nope.
Helen Lovejoy: Not even close!
Agnes: Not a chance.
Luann: There’s not one thing they could bring to the Squidport that’d make us approve of this waste of money.
Skipper Jack: Good day, lovely ladies. Might you point my crew and I in the direction of City Hall? We’re eager to get our hands on those fishing licenses.
Luann: Oh my! It’s like a dream come true.
Helen Lovejoy: Luann, you’re married!
Luann: Oops, I dropped my ring in the sea. Guess we’ll have to fish it out. Let’s see how good this man is with his pole.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and decoration: Barnacle Bay Marina
Shiver Me Barnacles, part 3:
Sea Captain: Get outta here with that rickety raft, ye land-lubbers!
Fausto: ¿Pardón?
Skipper Jack: Allow me to translate his nautical nonsense.
Skipper Jack: Why hello there, Captain! To what do we owe the pleasure of your seafaring displeasure?
Sea Captain: Why are you talking like that Flanders fella?
Skipper Jack: Beats me!
Sea Captain: Well, you lily-livered pirates need to hoist anchor and set sail! This here’s my docking spot!
Fausto: I still don’t understand what he’s saying.
Skipper Jack: The Captain is saying he needs us to scuttle on outta here because he wants to park his floating mansion here.
Skipper Jack: But I’m afraid we got ourselves a problem, Captain. You see, the city told us this is where we’re supposed to drop anchor and unload our wares.
Sea Captain: Quimby! I’ll be sending that Mayor of ours on a one-way trip to his watery demise!
• Collect Slarg Fish – x 125
• Make the Sea Captain Curse Landlubbers – 4 hours
• Make Skipper Jack Commiserate With the Sea Captain – 4 hours
Skipper Jack: Gentlemen, we’ve got a problem. Our latest catch is misshapen and diseased — no restaurant wants to buy it. Not even that Moe guy from Moe’s Tavern.
Moe: I’d buy your disgusting fish, I just don’t serve food at my bar, that’s all…
Fausto: This one’s got a freakin’ third eye!
Sea Captain: Aye, no fancy restaurant will touch those freak-flippers.
Skipper Jack: So, we’ve got a boatload of fish nobody wants?
Sea Captain: Au contraire! I’ll take the whole lot off yer hands!
Skipper Jack: Excuse me, Captain?
Sea Captain: At the Frying Dutchman, we specialize in mutant seafood. And with you as my local supplier, we’ll be raking in the doubloons!
Fausto: Hey, Jack, can I go back to Barnacle Bay now?
Skipper Jack: Once you’re in the game, there’s no going back.
Fausto: What game? This is a game?
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and character: Fausto
Shiver Me Barnacles, part 4:
Sea Captain: Alright, I’ve had enough! These tourists and their tchotchke shops have no business being here in the Squidport.
Sea Captain: Time for a change of scenery. I’ve got a plan to get rid of them and bring the Squidport back to its glory days.
Marge: Buckle up, kids! Our Barnacle Bay adventure awaits!
Ralph: The air tastes like Daddy’s “drunk tank”!
Ms Peyton: Are we sure it’s a good idea to take the kids on this field trip? I mean, what if Principal Skinner finds out?
Miss Hoover: I get to have Ralph off my hands for the day — I’m not risking that for anything.
Marge: And here we are! The Barnacle Bay Carousel!
Martin: This is it! A real-deal boardwalk carousel from the 1930s, right here in our Squidport!
Nelson: Whoa, I’ve never been on one of these things.
Nelson: It’s like a Ferris wheel that fell on its side.
• Collect Slarg Fish – x 95
• Make Marge Lead a Field Trip – 4 hours
• Make Youngsters Ride the Carousel x 10x- 4 hours
• Make Teachers Do Nothing While Tagging Along x 5x- 4 hours
• Make the Sea Captain Discover the Solution to His Problem – 4 hours
Marge: All right, children. What did you think of our little adventure today?
Ralph: I liked when the seahorses went up and down and all around.
Bart: Yeah, that’s a top-of-the-line carousel they got down here. Don’t make them like that anymore — faster speed settings, jumpier horses, no safety railing…
Nelson: Let’s go again!
Sea Captain: And so, it all comes down to the carousel. If it goes, everything goes. Time to find a first mate to help me hatch a plan.
Sideshow Mel: I could be your first mate! I played Samuel, the pirate king’s lieutenant, in “The Pirates Of Penzance!”
Sea Captain: Please don’t start singing from it. I believe that you were in it.
Sideshow Mel: POUR, OH, POUR THE PIRATE SHERRY / FILL, O FILL THE PIRATE GLASS! / AND, TO MAKE US MORE THAN MERRY / LET THE PIRATE BUMPER PASS!
Sea Captain: Hmm, you’re definitely under consideration. But I think I’ll go to the local tavern to interview some more prospects.
Sideshow Mel: I appreciate the opportunity!
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and tents bundle
Boardwalk animals tent and boardwalk art tent
Shiver Me Barnacles, part 5:
Homer: Wait, you want me to help you destroy the Barnacle Bay Carousel?
Sea Captain: Aye. And I heard ye’ve done it before, which makes ye the man fer the job.
Homer: I don’t know, Marge loves that carousel…
Homer shoulder devil: Do it, Homer. You love burning things down.
Homer: That is true, Devil Me.
Homer shoulder angel: Don’t do it, Homer. That carousel brings so many Springfielders joy — including Marge.
Homer: That is also true, Angel Me.
Sea Captain: Have you caught the scurvy? Who are you talking to?!
Homer: Oh, right. Well, I think I’ll pass on burning it down. There’s nothing really in it for me.
Sea Captain: Look, if you help me, I can promise ye five free “all you can eat” buffets at the Dutchman.
Homer: LET’S DESTROY THIS CAROUSEL!
— : That night, at the carousel…
Homer: Alright, let’s do this thing. I’ve got my gasoline and matches ready. Time to burn this baby down and chow down on all the fried fish I can handle.
Homer shoulder angel: But wait, Homer. Think about Marge. She loves this carousel more than anything in the world. Burning it down will shatter her heart into a million pieces.
Homer shoulder devil: Pfft, who cares? We break her heart every other week. We’ll just say it got struck by lightning or something. She’ll never suspect a thing.
Homer: Oh man, not you guys again! How am I supposed to make a decision?
Homer: Hey, look! A quarter! The answer to all of life’s impossible choices!
• Collect Slarg Fish – x 145
• Make Homer Flip a Coin to Decide – 4 hours
Homer: Alright, let’s make this simple. I’ll just flip a coin.
Homer: Heads, I set the carousel ablaze and stuff my face with all the fried fish I can handle. Tails, I go home and drown my sorrows in Duff and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Homer: *flips the coin* C’mon little buddy, decide my fate.
Homer: D’oh! The quarter fell through the boardwalk! Also it landed on its side!
Sea Captain: Ahoy there, matey!
Homer: Wha-? Oh, it’s just you. What do you want, Captain?
Sea Captain: The deal’s off. I just discovered the greatest thing since the invention of instant ramen!
Sea Captain: Have ye tried this funnel cake? The folks over at the Candy Shoppe really know their stuff.
Homer: Do I still get my five free “all you can eat” buffets?
Sea Captain: Not in this lifetime, my friend.
Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP and decorations bundle
Tire mooring post x2, Barnacle Bay lamppost x2, metal boardwalk railing x6
Outro: All’s Well That Smells Well
Sea Captain: Arrr, I must admit, I was wrong about these Barnacle Bay folk. We’re cut from the same bolt of salt-stained burlap.
Homer: And the best part is, I didn’t have to burn down the carousel or sell my soul to the devil in the process.
Marge: What? Burn down the carousel, why?
Homer: Nothing, Marge. Just some pirate talk. Arrr!
• Make Sea Captain Ride the Carousel – 4 hours
• Make Homer Ride the Carousel – 4 hours
• Make Marge Ride the Carousel – 4 hours
Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP
That triggers the You’ve Finished panel, gives a free Shattered Token and unlocks the Shattered Dreams box
Boardwalk Boost: The Squid-est Port
This will show when you finish the event or when the event ends and if you have previously hit the old limit of 200 boardwalk tiles
Sea Captain: Ahoy there! If you’re looking for more Squidport, I’ve got good news for ye.
Sea Captain: You can now purchase even more tiles for your Squidport at any of the entrances you have.
Sea Captain: But it’ll cost ye. The Mayor’s “discount” hasn’t been passed along, so you’ll be paying full price, matey!
SYSTEM: You can now purchase additional tiles for your Squidport, up to a maximum of 500 tiles.
Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP
AFIK the new limit will apply to all, but it’ll be weeks before my test town gets to that and I can check. If I remember when I get over 200 tiles in that I’ll come back and let you know
