Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Although many of us have already finished, thanks to the extension, Foodie Fight is in the home stretch in our pocket-sized towns! (ends Wednesday 6/9) As the event winds down it’s time to grab your chef hat and apron, as we take a look back at the dialogue for this event…just in case you missed it while tapping too fast! So here’s the full dialogue for the Foodie Fith mini-event main questline…
Brockman: Tonight, another food frenzy has hit the streets of Springfield — General Chang’s Taco Italiano’s “Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burrito”. Let’s find out what our locals have to say about this unlikely and frankly gross-sounding combo of cuisines. Why, this man here is holding not one, but several Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burritos!
CBG: Yes, they are for my food blog, “Lard of the Rings”, where I review the three pivotal stages of grubbing: at a restaurant, in car, and at home.
Brockman: But you’re holding way more than three.
CBG: The extra burritos I plan to resell at an incredibly marked-up price after the restaurant runs out.
Homer: Please, you gotta help me! General Chang’s just sold out of Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burritos… I need one! I’ll pay ANYTHING!
CBG: That’ll be $600
Homer: Woo-hoo! *hands-check*
CBG: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I only accept cash, bitcoin, or GameStop stock.
Homer: I know what one of those is. *hands cash* Here! Now gimme my burrito! *eats entire burrito*
Brockman: So, how was it?
Homer: It was the best burrito I’ve ever had!
Brockman: But was it worth $600?
Homer: Six hundred bucks?! What kind of idiot would pay that much for a burrito?!
Brockman: Well, you.
Brockman: I’m Kent Brockman and “Good night and Good Luck” trying to get one of these burritos before they sell out!
Make Homer Eat Twenty Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burritos– 6s
Make Kent Brockman Ask for a Bite– 6s
Make Comic Book Guy Deposit $12,000 Cash– 6s
Marge: Homer! Can’t we watch something other than cornhole for once?
Homer: But it’s an International Friendly between Poland and The Ivory Coast — and those two countries have major beef — corned beef.
Marge: Okay, you get two more bag-tosses and then we’re changing the channel.
Homer: Fine, I’ll just watch the highlights of The Ivory Coast’s smug-but-not-too-smug showmanship later. *changes channel*
Scotty Boom: Now to try Springfield’s latest tortilla-wrapped trend, General Chang’s Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burrito!
Marge: Hey! It’s celebrity chef Scotty Boom!
Homer: And he’s reviewing my favorite burrito!
Scotty Boom: *takes bite* Ew! This is the grossest culinary creation to come out of this no-Michelin town!
Homer: Hey!! Our town has a whole tire fire filled with Michelins!
Scotty Boom: I can’t believe someone would eat this burrito willingly. It tastes like barbecued kitty litter wrapped in a pizza.
Homer: What?! No foods complement each other more than lasagna and guacamole!
Scotty Boom: I rate General Chang’s Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burrito: ZERO STARS.
Homer: Zero stars?! But it’s General Chang! You can’t be a general without stars!
Marge: Well, as a celebrity chef, it is sort of his duty to give honest reviews of the food he takes very small bites of.
Homer: Ooh, I’m Scotty Boom. I hate good burritos for no reason just because I’m a TV chef with an awesome fake name!
Scotty Boom: Scotty Boom is my real name.
Marge: Scotty Boom! What are you doing here?!
Scotty Boom: The Chew Network liked my dissing of your hometown food so much that they sent me to Springfield to do a whole show devoted to bashing it!
Marge: You’re not here for my casserole, are you?
Flop Chef Pt. 1
Scotty Boom: Hey Springfield, your chicken parmesan from Luigi’s is just like your citizens: fat, tasteless, and cheese-filled!
Luigi: It’s my-a great-great-great grandmother’s chicken-a parmesan recipe! She whispered the secret ingredient to the priest on her death-a bed!
Scotty Boom: Was the secret ingredient that it sucks?!
Marge: *turns off TV* I don’t like this Boomy guy! Who flies across the country just to insult the people of a small town?
Bart: He’s just giving the haters what they want: more things to hate. The DC Universe has been doing it with their movies for years.
Lisa: We need to show Scotty Boom the real Springfield. We’ve got lots of great chefs here, and all sorts of culinary diversity.
Homer: Speaking of culinary diversity, who wants to go out and get me a couple more Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burritos? I’d go myself, but you know, burrito coma.
Lisa: Dad! This is serious. If Scotty Boom ruins the culinary reputation of Springfield, all of our greatest chefs are going to pack up and go to the only country that has such bad food, they’ll let anyone cook for them.
Homer: The Ivory Coast?
Lisa: No, England.
Homer: If all of the chefs of Springfield leave for England, then that means no more Captain Corndog’s Schnitzel Palace, Chili Blasters, Chuck Dukewagon’s All-American Chow Lounge… And what of Cloggers, Lisa? What of Cloggers?!
Lisa: They’ll all be in England, where let’s just say, the “Double Clogmeister” won’t receive the appreciation it deserves.
Homer: I don’t care what laws I have to break. I am going to take down this food-ruining Scotty Boom.
Make Homer Go to the Mayor- 4hrs
Make Marge Get Angry at Scotty Boom- 4hrs
Make Bart Laugh at Scotty Boom- 4hrs
Collect Smoked Meats- x155. 4hrs.
Homer: Sorry to barge into your office like this, but it’s an EMERGENCY!
Quimby: Emergency?! Another French bulldog stolen?! When is it going to end?!
Homer: No, we’ve got a problem with the celebrity chef who came to town.
Quimby: Hmm, celebrity chef… Is it the guy who says “bam”?! Or is it that spikey-haired one who looks like a PT Cruiser come to life?!
Homer: No, it’s uh, Scooty Dumb, Skippy Bomb… You know, the guy from New York who pretends he’s just an Average Joe but actually looks down on everyone?
Quimby: Scotty Boom?! I, er-uh, love that guy! He’s the host of “Side Dish: Impossible”, “Master Prison Chef”, “The Amazing Taste”, “Barbecue Mitzvah”, “Kill It, Chill It, Grill It”, and “World War Food”!
Homer: Well, if we don’t stop him soon, this town’s gonna be World War Screwed.
Quimby: What, er-uh, could a celebrity chef possibly do to endanger Springfield?
Homer: His brutal food criticism is going to drive away all our best chefs! And then the only food we’ll have left are those rolling hotdogs from the Kwik-E-Mart, and that’s only like one lunch worth of hot dogs on there!
Quimby: You’re right. This is an emergency! We need our chefs to stay in Springfield!
Homer: And there’s only one thing we can do.
Quimby: Er-uh, draw up a negative ad on the guy and blast it all over TV?
Homer: We need to host a food festival and challenge Scotty Boom to a cook-off.
Flop Chef Pt. 2
Quimby: People of Springfield, I’m honored to announce, “Springfield Foodie Fest”, sponsored by “Grip ‘N Flip Spatulas”.
Lisa: Dad, you’re the one who came up with the idea for this festival.
Homer: Yeah, but I wanted it to be called “Springfield Chomp Carnival”, also sponsored by “Grip ‘N Flip Spatulas”!
Quimby: “Foodie Fest” will showcase the culinary brilliance from our town’s greatest chefs!
Scotty Boom: Hah! The notion that this town has any brilliance, specifically culinary brilliance, is laughable. See, look at me, I’m laughing! *laughs*
Lisa: Ugh, this guy is so mean. Maybe it’s because he was bullied at school.
Homer: Everyone was bullied at school.
Lisa: Yeah, but not for carrying around a panini press like a lunchbox and making little pesto sandwiches during recess.
Scotty Boom: Hey! Are you talking about all that panini stuff?! My biography was unauthorized and filled with lies!
Lisa: Sorry, I didn’t think you could hear me saying all that.
Scotty Boom: Sound really reverberates inside of this smartphone we all live in.
Quimby: Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for, a Springfield showdown with chef Scotty Boom.
Scotty Boom: Look, if anyone in this town can present me a dish that doesn’t make me want to burn my tongue off with a crème brûlée torch… Then I’ll decree on my show “Eat Down” that Springfield’s food isn’t terrible.
Akira: I am going to win this for Springfield!
Luigi: For Springfield!
Homer: For MEEEE!
Make Homer Buy a Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burrito- 4hrs
Make Akira Prepare a Dish- 4hrs
Make Luigi Get to a-Work- 4hrs
Make Apu Add a Hot Dog to His Roller Grill- 4hrs
Collect Smoked Meats- x155.
Scotty Boom: OK, have you made something good enough to make me change my mind about the disgusting food in Springfield?
Akira: I present to you my famous “Grilled Cheese Sashimi Sandwich”.
Scotty Boom: Grilled cheese sashimi?
Akira: Yes, with tomato miso soup on the side.
Scotty Boom: Well, I hope you packed your bags…
Akira: Why would I pack my bags? I live here.
Scotty Boom: …because this grilled cheese looks and smells disgusting.
Akira: Just eat it.
Scotty Boom: *takes a bite* You know…this isn’t so — oh my god, I’m going to puke. Ugh, the slightly cooked raw fish, and the American cheese — Next!
Flop Chef Pt. 3
Apu: Mr. Boom, sir. It is such a pleasure to meet you.
Scotty Boom: I know it is. So, what have you made me?
Apu: If you will, I present to you the Kwik-E-Mart’s finest of artisanal selections. A tender kielbasa grilled to perfection and placed in an open-face brioche bun with a sweet red sauce.
Scotty Boom: This is a greasy hot dog with ketchup on it.
Apu: The hottest, I assure you. It’s been rolling on our hotdog cooker since 2014.
Scotty Boom: It looks funny, is it even made of meat?
Apu: Well, it’s not not meat. It’s a natural blend of growth hormones, sheep casing, potassium lactate, buffalo trimmings…
Make Apu Continue Listing Off Hot Dog Ingredients- 4hrs
Make Homer Ask for a Hot Dog- 4hrs
Collect Smoked Meats- x115. 4hrs.
Apu: …mechanically separated rib bone, pink slime, green slime, fat slurry, whale slush…
Scotty Boom: I’m sorry, did you say, “whale slush”?
Apu: The slushiest.
Scotty Boom: Yeah, I’m not eating that. NEXT!
Flop Chef Pt. 4
Scotty Boom: Please tell me you’ve at least cooked something edible. I’m actually getting hungry and I’m at a freaking food festival!
Luigi: Most a-certainly! You will not a-be able to resist my delicious pizza that’s been a-passed down through my family for generations. It’s a-just how a-Momma used to make it.
Scotty Boom: I’ll be totally honest with you. This is the first dish I’ve seen all day that appears digestible on first glance. Perfectly cooked crust, nice layer of cheese… *takes a bite* Mmm. And it’s quite good! Wait a minute… *spits out pizza* Are those little pieces of pineapple hidden underneath the pepperonis?
Luigi: Yes, my Momma used to hide-a my vegetables so I would eat them. It’s exactly-a how she used to make it!
Scotty Boom: I’m sorry, I thought I was eating a pizza, not a fruit salad! People who put pineapple on pizza should be shot into space. Next!?
Luigi: Come on, you can-a eat my famous penne pesto instead.
Scotty Boom: I said, NEXT!
Apu: Wow, take a penne, leave a penne.
Make Homer Eat the Leftovers- 4hrs
Make Luigi Cry All the Way Home- 4hrs
Collect Smoked Meats- x115. 4hrs.
Homer: That Scotty Boom thinks he’s soooo cool. Making fun of everybody just because he’s from New York and on basic cable. Well, he won’t be laughing after he tries my version of the Sweet and Sour Lasagna Burrito.
Bart: What’s different about it?
Homer: I’m swapping the lasagna meat with my very own “Special Sauce Ribs”. It ties in all the competing flavors somehow.
Bart: Wait, are you using a plutonium rod to flip the meat on the grill?
Homer: No, this is just my green spatula stick thingy.
Bart: Hold on, please don’t tell me you use that every time you do “family grilling”.
Homer: I mean, I’ve only been using it the last five, six years or so.
Bart: No wonder why I haven’t grown an inch since the 1980s!
Flop Chef Pt. 5
Scotty Boom: Well, if it isn’t Homer Simpson.
Homer: At least my name doesn’t sound like half of a Flintstones character!
Scotty Boom: At least my entire existence isn’t loosely based on The Flintstones.
Homer: At least—
Scotty Boom: Just show me the amazing dish you made at the last minute to save your beloved town.
Homer: Here is my Sweet and Sour Lasagna Special Sauce Rib Burrito!
Scotty Boom: That sounds terrible, but looks fine enough. *takes a bite* Oh, God. What the heck is in this thing?! Why is the rib meat neon green and glowing?!
Homer: That’s the special sauce that makes it special!
Lenny: Hey everyone, come look, Scotty Boom’s getting real sick!
Carl: If he dies, our town will have its own chapter in the annals of food history!
Scotty Boom: I think I need to go to the hospital.
Homer: Not until you tell me what you think of my dish.
Bart: I think he stopped breathing.
Scotty Boom: A-live still.
Homer: Did I hear five stars?!
Make Homer Drive Scotty to the Hospital- 4hrs
Collect Smoked Meats- x200. 4hrs.
Scotty Boom: What the — Where am I?
Dr Hibbert: Good morning, Mr. Boom. You’ve been admitted to Springfield Hospital. Mr. Simpson drove you here himself.
Homer: Yeah, and I’ve been waiting for twelve hours to hear the results of my dish. Was it amazing? Or just great?
Scotty Boom: I feel terrible.
Homer: Oh, don’t worry. You’ll be fine. All you need is some rest and some of Springfield Hospital’s famous Jell-O here. Try some!
Scotty Boom: What happened to me?
Dr Hibbert: Don’t leave the man hanging. Try the Jell-O! It’ll give you all the strength you need to gasp when I tell you what’s wrong with you.
Scotty Boom: Fine. *takes a bite* …I can’t taste anything! I’ve lost all sense of taste!
Dr Hibbert: Your taste bud cells all exploded from the radiation from that rib meat.
Homer: Hmm… If that’s true, then that means you won’t know if Springfield’s cooking is good or bad.
Scotty Boom: Yeah, I suppose—
Homer: Here eat some more Springfield Jell-O.
Scotty Boom: *eating Jell-O* I taste nothing.
Homer: Then that means Springfield’s food tastes the same to you as all the food you eat in New York. Woo-hoo! Springfield is a culinary capital!
Scotty Boom: I think I’m going to throw up again.
Dr Hibbert: Well, one little silver lining for you…you won’t taste it. *chuckles*
No Harm No Jowl
Bart: Way to go, Dad! You sure showed Scotty how Springfield rolls!
Homer: Thanks, son. And the important thing is that he didn’t die.
Lisa: But he can’t taste anything for the rest of his life!
Homer: Again, the important thing is that he didn’t die.
Bart: Speaking of which, how come we can eat Dad’s plutonium-infused barbecue, but Scotty Boom takes a single bite, and his taste buds explode?
Lisa: Maybe all the radiation leaking from the nuclear power plant has built up our tolerance to plutonium.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Now pass me some more of that green-glowing rib meat.
Make Homer Make a Meat Angel- 4hrs
Make Lisa Pass Some Barbecue- 4hrs
Make Bart Eat Some Barbecue- 4hrs
And there you have it my friends, the full dialogue for Foodie Fight! Thoughts on the mini-event? Dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!