Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
We’re on the final day of the Tavern Trouble mini-event, which ends tomorrow July 28th. As the event winds down, it’s time to pull up a stool at your favorite Springfield bar, as we take a look back at the dialogue for this event…just in case you missed it while tapping too fast! So here’s the full dialogue for the Tavern Trouble mini-event main questline…
Men of Brew Words
Harv Bannister: Ah, Moe’s Tavern…the best drink of all time was invented right here!
Moe: The sign says “NO UNPROMPTED DECLARATIONS WHEN ENTERING” — so get lost, weirdo!
Homer: *entering Moe’s Tavern* I’m never going to Alaska again! Baseball’s a second-tier sport! Funnel cake should be sold everywhere, not just amusement parks!
Moe: Hi there, Homer! I’ll get you your usual.
Harv Bannister: Homer Simpson and Moe Szyslak — just the two people I came all this way to see!
Homer: Moe, who is this jerk?
Harv Bannister: Harv Bannister. Tipsy McStagger’s Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium.
Homer: Wait, I know this jerk! You’re that news anchor who fell face-first into that alligator! I thought you died!
Harv Bannister: That wasn’t me. And yes, he did die.
Moe: Hmm, you do look vaguely familiar though… You a loan shark from Kansas City? Because I’ve never been there before. Never.
Harv Bannister: I’m the guy who tried to buy the secret recipe to the Flaming Moe off of you.
Homer: The drink that I invented, then Moe stole and renamed after himself?!
Moe: I didn’t steal nothing! I created the Flaming Moe!
Homer: It’s called the Flaming Homer and Homer invented it — and Homer is me!
Harv Bannister: Look, I’m on the hunt to introduce the next Flaming Moe…
Homer: Flaming Homer!
Harv Bannister: …and I thought I could put your genius inventing heads together to create the next drinking sensation!
Moe: What’s in it for us?
Harv Bannister: A substantial cash prize of course!
Homer: Woo-hoo! A vague amount of money!
Moe: I could pay that Kansas City loan shark back!
Make Homer Insist He’s the Drink-Inventing Genius– 6s
Make Moe Insist He Can Create a Better Drink– 6s
Moe: Homer, I know you have strong feelings about all this “who invented what” nonsense, but if we don’t work together, no one gets the prize money.
Homer: Okay, fine. I guess we’ll team up to create the greatest drink of all time…
Moe: So…should we start by choosing what kind of glass it’s served in?
Homer: Sure, at least that’ll be easy…
Moe: How ’bout a small tumbler? You know, like the ones I used when I invented the Flaming Moe.
Homer: I INVENTED IT!
Moe: Flaming Moe — trademark: Moe Szyslak!
Homer: If you had WiFi at this crappy bar, I’d log on to Disney+ right now and show you the video of me inventing it!
Moe: Well, along with having no internet, my bar has a strict “NO BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL” policy! So, get outta here!
Homer: I’m done with this lousy dive bar anyway!
Moe: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Drown all your troubles at some other place?
Homer: I’m going to a bar where there’s good internet and people that don’t steal all your ideas!
Moe: A bar that has internet isn’t a bar — it’s a coffee shop with a liquor license!
Homer: Lenny, Carl, Barney — let’s go.
Carl: Oh, you wanted us to go with you? This bar’s kind of the only place where we exist.
Lenny: Yeah, I don’t know where else I’d go. I don’t think I have a house here…
Carl: I thought you had a townhome?
Lenny: Maybe? It’s all unclear.
Homer: Well, I don’t need you guys anyway! Goodbye forever!
Moe: And stay out! He’ll be back…right?
The Long Way Homer Pt. 1
Homer: Lousy Moe-supporting jerks! Look at me, I’m Lenny and I just love that apron-wearing drink thief! Luckily there’s a million good bars in Springfield I can go to.*walking past bars* “Coyote Rugby”, “The Golden Wicket”, “O’Darts”, “Cancun Monsoon”, “Señor Booze”, “The Tsarina’s Ice Palace”, “Casanova Scotia”… *groans* These all sound too European, too spring break, or too cold inside. Ooh, “The Bendy Elbow”. I get it! Because your elbow bends when you drink! Finally, a bar that makes sense!
Capri Flanders: Hey, I remember you, you’re Ned’s neighborino. Welcome to The Bendy Elbow!
Homer: Usually I’d hate hearing the sound “ino” after a word, but I’m just so happy to feel welcomed.
Chester Dupree: Bend your elbow back, take a drink, and tell us what’s goin’ on with you, man.
Homer: *chugs beer* Well, if you insist…
Make Homer Go On and On About Moe– 4hrs
Make Everyone Get Sick of Homer– x3. 4hrs
Collect Bottle Caps- x155.
Homer: …so that’s when I told Moe, “goodbye forever!” *burps*
Capri Flanders: Wait, so we’re just your rebound bar?
Homer: Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean—
Chester Dupree: *shaking head* Not cool, man. Not cool.
Capri Flanders: You should leave now, rebounderino!
Homer: But the internet’s so fast here and I’m pretty sure you charge less than 75 cents to use the toilet…
Capri Flanders: I said, get out!
The Long Way Homer Pt. 2
Homer: Stupid Flanderses! Mean to me just because I suck to be around! Hopefully, this bar will be good…
Wiggum: Hey Homer, come on in! “Five O’Clock Somewhere’s” is the best spot in town!
Homer: Ooh, is this a cop bar?
Wiggum: Unofficially. We mostly come here for the chicken tenders. They’re fried to perfection.
Homer: Tendered chicken…
Lou: Also, the beer list is huge.
Wiggum: Yeah, they’ve got Duff, Duff Lite, Duff Platinum, Duff Gold, Raspberry Duff, Duff IPA, Duff Zero, Duff Genuine Duff, Duff Lime…
Homer: Ooh, so many choices. I’ll take one Duff, please.
Manacek: And I’ll take a brandy, room temperature. Actually, make it yoga studio temperature.
Homer: Freelance detectives are allowed in a cop bar? I thought you guys hated each other?
Lou: Manacek? We love Manacek!
Wiggum: Yeah, he’s always spouting off weird Polish proverbs and solving our impossible-to-solve cold cases.
Manacek: An old dog always smells distant trouble, but don’t expect it to bite the nose of the thief.
Wiggum: I like you, Manacek.
Homer: Less talk, more drink! *chugs beer*
Eddie: *chugs beer*
Manacek: *sips brandy*
Make Homer Drink Ten Duffs– 2hrs
Make Cops Cut Homer Off– x2. 2hrs
Collect Bottle Caps- x155. 4hrs.
Wiggum: I think you should call it a night, Homer. You’ve had a few too many.
Homer: I’m fine, I’m fine.
Manacek: Look Homer, even a divorced mouse on a cheese farm can’t afford his legal fees.
Homer: What’s with this place? I said I’m fine — and usually when I say that, the bartender just gets me another beer.
Wiggum: Come on, drunky. Let’s go.
Homer: What are you going to do? Shoot me? Because you can’t! You lost your gun years ago!
Lou: Is that true, Chief?
Wiggum: I really looked everywhere for it.
Homer: *pointing* That thing in his holster is really just a label maker! I know, ’cause Marge has the same one.
Wiggum: Well, for that I’m labeling you “NIGHT IN THE DRUNK TANK”.
Homer: Ha! That’s too many letters!
Wiggum: Oh, I’ve got letters.
Homer: *shrieks* Run!
Lou: Did he just yell “run” to himself?
Wiggum: I believe he did, Lou. I believe he did. Now, should we order more chicken tenders?
Lou: Good idea, Chief.
Manacek:Ooh, order some for me too.
Wiggum: *into radio* Dispatch, 223: Tenders last seen heading south. Three more baskets needed. Also, some ranch reinforcements would be great.
The Long Way Homer Pt. 3
Homer: I’m drunk, which means I need to find a nice comfortable bar to get me more drunk! Ooh, this place has food too!
Colette: Welcome to Ramen Coma. What can I get you?
Homer: I’ll take a mega ramen bowl with extra chashu — oh, and two beers.
Colette: Hey, you look familiar. Have you ever been to a gross, sticky tavern with a mean bartender who’s always kicking people out with a shotgun?
Homer: Yeah, I’ve been there once or twice.
Colette: I used to work there when it was called Flaming Moe’s!
Homer: Oh yeah, I remember you! Moe hired you when he needed extra help! I’m Homer!
Colette: Homer, that’s right! I’m Colette. So what brings you out here tonight?
Homer: Well, I used to be a regular at Moe’s, but now I hate him because not only did he steal my Flaming Homer drink, but now he’s making it seem like he was the one who invented it.
Colette: So you told him you were never going back to his stupid tavern again.
Homer: Wait, how’d you know I said that?
Colette: *shrugs* It just seemed like that’s where your story was headed.
Homer: Anyway, Moe probably doesn’t even care that I’m never going back to his stupid tavern again.
Colette: You might be surprised, Homer. Slurp some ramen and listen to a bit of advice from someone who was there when it all happened…
Make Homer Put on a Parka Before Slurping More Ramen– 4hrs
Collect Bottle Caps- x115. 4hrs.
Colette: …and if you follow that advice, I think you’ll be a happier person who attracts and keeps the kind of friends you truly deserve.
Homer: I’m sorry. I was having trouble hearing you over the sound of these ramen noodles, which, by the way, are AMAZING!
Colette: I was saying—
Homer: Could you repeat that? And bring some more noodles? And some more beer?
Colette:I was saying that Moe’s Tavern is where you belong. Friendship is too important to give up on!
Homer: I don’t know… I did say “goodbye forever” and one day really isn’t that close to forever.
Colette: What bartender around here is going to order you an Uber from Barney’s phone after you pass out?
Homer: Ugh, you’re right! Moe is my friend and the only bartender for me! You have to come with me when I talk to him. I can’t face him on my own.
Colette: But I’m working. I have six other tables I’ve been ignoring this whole time.
CBG: Hello?! Can anybody hear me? I ordered my ramen ages ago! Hello?! I’m invisible. It’s as if I’ve been banished into the Void by the Lords of the West! Is that why this place is called Ramen Coma?!
The Long Way Homer Pt. 4
Colette: Homer, it’s going to be fine. Just go on in.
Homer: I can’t! What if he’s forgotten about me? Or laughs in my face for coming back? And what if he makes me pay my bar tab?!
Colette: You and Moe are both mature adults, well not really…but you are adults. So if you’re just honest about your feelings I’m sure everything will work out.
Homer: OR…I can put on a disguise, sneak in, and listen to all the mean stuff he’s probably saying about me!
Colette: Where are you going to get a disguise at this time of night?
Homer: I know a guy.
: Several minutes later…
Llewellyn Sinclair: You want me, Cappie-nominated director, Llewellyn Sinclair, to open up the community theater so you can borrow a costume?
Llewellyn Sinclair: *shrugs* Okay, sure, why not.
Make Homer Apply a Cunning Disguise– 4hrs
Collect Bottle Caps- x115. 4hrs.
Colette: Homer, you won’t blend in at all dressed like Robin Hood.
Homer: I knew I should have worn that costume from Cats!
Colette: A tail isn’t much of a disguise.
Homer: Look, I’m solid green. I’m basically camouflage. I’ll blend right in. *walks into Moe’s*
Lenny: Hey, Carl. Get a load of the subject of two recent big budget action flops: “Robin Hood” with Russell Crowe, and “Robin Hood” with the guy who played Elton John.
Carl: I think you’re in the wrong place, fella. The renaissance faire’s that way.
Moe: Look new guy, there ain’t no discounts on drinks for dressin’ up in green spandex over here. Unless you’re that green man who shows up to Phillies’ games. Always wanted to meet that guy…
Homer: They don’t recognize me at all!
Moe: What’d you say?
Homer: I’ll take two Duffs!
Moe: That didn’t sound at all like what you said previously, but sure thing, two Duffs coming up.
The Long Way Homer Pt. 5
Homer: Pray tell, do any of you fine gentlemen know one Homer J. Simpson? I hear he’s a famous patron of this establishment.
Moe: Aw, he don’t drink here no more.
Barney: *sad burp*
Moe: It was a whole thing, words were said that maybe shouldn’t have been said, so he’s dead to us.
Homer: I…I see. Well, I’ll just be on my way then…
Kirk: So is this primo barstool now available for me to sit on?
Moe: *pulls out shotgun* That’s far enough. You let your keister touch that stool and you’ll be eatin’ through a straw for the rest of yer days. It belongs to a legend. The greatest barfly who ever lived in this garbage dump of a town. And the best pal a fella could ask for. Well, aside from all the times he wasn’t such a great pal, but I choose to forget those times at this particular moment.
Homer: Aww, Moe! Come here!
Moe: Ahhh! This creepy guy in way-too-tight tights is trying to hug me. Get him off!
Make Homer Dramatically Doff His Disguise– 4hrs
Make Moe Be Startled by Homer’s Ruse– 4hrs
Make Barney Be Confused About What’s Happening– 4hrs
Collect Bottle Caps- x200. 4hrs.
Moe: Homer! You came back! I can’t tell ya how glad I am to see you. Look, I want to make things right with my pal. From now on, I’ll split any drink-based invention with ya fifty-fifty, all right?
Homer: It’s good to be back! Now we can—
Marge: Homer J. Simpson!
Homer: Uh-oh. I guess you’re mad I’m not at home?
Marge: No, I’m glad you’re finally where you’re supposed to be! I’ve been to every bar in town looking for you. I went to “The Bamboo Bazaar”, “The Tipsy Tetris”, “Chain Fight Charlie’s”, “O’Darts”, “O’Billiards”, and even “The Pickled Beet”! At least before, I knew where you were when you were avoiding your family.
Homer: Well, from now on you can always find me right here at Moe’s.
Marge: I’m so glad you two worked things out. Because those other bars were scary and weird. Especially “Chain Fight Charlie’s”. I really should have known from the title.
Moe: We’re going to come up with the greatest drink since those toga-twirling ancient Greeks invented mead!
Homer: Move out of the way, White Claw, Fireball, and spiked kombucha, because Homer and Moe are coming!
Moe: We have no idea what we’re doing, do we?
Homer: Not a clue.
Moe: What inspired you last time?
Homer: Well, it all started when…
Moe: Oh, you’re just launching into a flashback. Ok.
Homer: It all started when Marge’s beastly sisters came over to show pictures from their latest lame-cation. As I stared up at picture after disgusting picture, I knew I needed a drink. But there was no beer left in the fridge!
Moe: So what’d ya do?
Homer: I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle.
Moe: Wait, you totally did invent the Flaming Moe! It’s all coming back to me now!
Homer: I grabbed creme de menthe, Midori, root beer schnapps, and tequila and poured it all into a blender. But I accidentally poured in “Krusty’s Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup for Kids”.
Moe: The secret ingredient…
Homer: And then after Patty’s cigarette lit the drink aflame, the rest was drunk history…
Moe: So alls we need to do is combine the most random bits of alcohol and hope we accidentally pour in something super weird!
Moe: Then let’s play some montage music and start dumping things into a giant cup.
Homer: Whoa, that’s a lot of absinthe you’re pouring.
Moe: Oh, don’t worry, it’s super watered down.
Make Homer Create a New Drink With Moe– 4hrs
Make Moe Create a New Drink With Homer– 4hrs
Moe: Here it is, Mr. Bannister, the latest hit drink to take over Springfield and the world: The Fuming MoeMer!
Harv Bannister: What? This looks and smells terrible! Is that yellow gas bubbling out of it?
Homer: No, it’s not gas! It’s fumes!
Moe: Beautiful, beautiful fumes!
Harv Bannister: Yeah, that’s a hard no! I can’t even get this thing close enough to my face to try it. I feel like I’m going to pass out…
Moe: Come on, at least take a sip.
HarvBannister : *sip* Well, that was the most disgusting drink I’ve ever tasted.
Homer: Okay, got it, solid note…
Harv Bannister: Well, I guess Tipsy’s is just gonna have to keep trotting out the same drinks it’s always been serving.
Moe: At least pay us for coming up with the name “The Fuming MoeMer”. That alone will sell some drinks.
Harv Bannister: Oh yeah, “The Fuming MoeMer” — using that is a good idea!
Homer: Woo-hoo! I’m famous and rich!
Harv Bannister: You guys didn’t win the prize! Your drink sucked. But thanks for the name!
And there you have it my friends, the full dialogue for Tavern Trouble! Thoughts on the mini-event? Dialogue? What’s your favorite bar in Springfield? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!