Into the Simpsonsverse Act 1 Full Dialogue: From the Red to the Black (and White)

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 2 of the Into the Simpsonsverse event to start tomorrow, it’s time to wrap up Act 1 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for From the Red to the Black (and White)…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

Reading the Room

Blue Haired Lawyer: As you can see here, Mr. Burns, your power plant is in the red.
Burns: Cancel Disney+! I don’t know why I ever subscribed — my only streaming device is a ticker tape machine. The image resolution is decidedly meh, and every time I watch a movie I’m crushed beneath a mountain of paper!
Blue Haired Lawyer: We agree that cancelling Disney+ is a prudent way to save eight dollars per month, but the plant will still be many, many millions of dollars in the red.
Burns: We can pay our other bills with BiteCoin.
Smithers: I didn’t know you dabbled in cryptocurrency, sir.
Burns: In what now? I mean: set the hounds on the bill collectors.
Smithers: Ah, I see. BITE Coin. I’m sure they’d be able to evade them quite easily.
Burns: Are you saying they have some sort of dodge-coin? Perhaps if we used some kind of tether…
Smithers: Maybe we should look at some other strategies for improving worker productivity, sir.
Burns: You’re right! The greedy workers are the problem. Let’s move the plant somewhere where we’ll be given a free hand by a corrupt government and a gullible population manipulated by appeals to prejudice.
Smithers: We already did that, sir. That’s why we moved here from North Korea.
Burns: When you’re treating your workers even worse than the commies, you know you’ve done your part!
Smithers: Since we’ve maxed-out oppression, maybe we could try to toggle a few other levers, sir. Such as worker satisfaction and motivation.
Burns: Ew, gross. You said toggle.
Smithers: If we want to compete for today’s values-driven workforce…
Burns: Smithers, learn to read the room, will you? Now, quickly, to the basement! I’ve got just the thing to solve our financial problems.
Make Burns Head to the Basement- 6s
Make Smithers Learn to Read the Room- 6s
Smithers: The Alternate Universe Computer? But sir, it hasn’t been tested!
Burns: We’re going back to the golden days, before things had to be tested. What decade should we pick? I suppose you’d opt for the Gay Nineties!
Smithers: It just meant “lively” or “high-spirited” then, sir.
Burns: I knew that. I didn’t know you knew. We might as well go straight to the Great Depression of the 1930s, when people were at their most desperate for work.

From the Red to the Black (and White) Pt. 1
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Smithers: Sir, it looks like your plan is working. The Alternate Universe Computer has opened a portal to the 1930s and there’s no shortage of people looking for work.
Burns: Excellent. What trades do you follow, my good men?
Thirties Worker 1: Steam-fitter!
Thirties Worker 2: Hod-carrier!
Thirties Worker 3: Hod-loader!
Burns: Hmm. If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly is a hod?
Thirties Worker 3: Beats me, mac. Do I look like a hod-knower?
Burns: Are any of you computer systems engineers, software developers, or radiation technicians?
Thirties Worker 1: I sold pencils on the sidewalk.
Thirties Worker 2: I carried a sign that said “will work for food”.
Thirties Worker 3: I owned a radio, until I wrecked it so the martians wouldn’t find me.
Thirties Worker 1: I sold pencils on the sidewalk.
Burns: I see. And what are your salary requirements?
Thirties Worker 2: Three hots and a squat would do it for me.
Thirties Worker 3: Keep the railway bulls away and I’m your man.
Thirties Worker 1: Have some self-respect, fellas. A dime a day or nothing doing. And I speak for us all!
Burns: In a sense, isn’t all business “selling pencils”? You’re all hired.
Make Burns Think of New Things to Exploit- 4hrs
Make Smithers Read the Room- 4hrs
Collect Rotary Phones- x115. 4hrs.
Thirties Worker 1: Working in a radio station ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. When do we meet Charlie McCarthy? I’m dying to find out what he really thinks of Edgar Bergen.
Thirties Worker 2: It’s not a radio station, you mug, it’s a radiator factory.
Thirties Worker 1: Whatever it is, it’s making me sick. I carried eight hods of uranium into the core and now my hair is falling down faster than Max Schmeling in the ring with Joe Louis.
Thirties Worker 2: I lugged fifty buckets of wastewater out to the river and now my skin is as red as FDR’s heart.
Thirties Worker 3: Let’s make a break for it!

From the Red to the Black (and White) Pt. 2
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Burns: We’ve got to round them up before the government cracks down on us for using time-migrant labor!
Smithers: Won’t your “campaign contributions” assure you “access” to “present your point of view” to the government?
Burns: *sigh* Life was so much easier when we just called them bribes. Sadly, today’s Republican party cares more about bashing outsiders than they do about undermining American labor. We’re on our own.
Smithers: A Burns and Smithers detective duo parody?
Burns: Smithers, the whole point of being rich is to not have to do the work yourself.
Smithers: And to be able to afford inter-dimensional portals through which you can bring cheaper labor?
Burns: That is a nice bonus, yes.
Make Burns Bring a 1930s Detective Through the Portal- 4hrs
Make Smithers Imagine a Burns/Smithers Detective Duo- 4hrs
Collect Rotary Phones- x115. 4hrs.
NoirHomer : *whistles* Swell place ya got here.
Burns: Really? You think so? I picked out the paint myself. It’s called institutional grey.
Noir Homer: Are you kidding? This dump is depressing. And I came from the Great Depression, so that’s really saying something. Anyways, I hear you got a job for me. What’s the gig?
Burns: A few of my workers have run off. I want you to use your hard-boiled detective skills to find them and bring them back. Here are pictures of them.
Noir Homer: In black and white? I thought you had color photos in the future.
Burns: Those ARE color photos. The workers are black and white. Speaking of… *hands him a mirror*
Noir Homer: *looks in mirror* Huh. You do know that we’re not actually black and white in the 1930s, right?
Burns: It’s best not to think about it too much. Probably some strange physics properties of the portal.
Noir Homer: You’ve got yourself a gumshoe. But I’m not exactly a cheap date. I get a dollar a day. Plus expenses.
Burns: What are your expenses?
Noir Homer: Bullets, beer, and three bags of peanuts per day. Take it or leave it.
Burns: That’s highway robbery!
Noir Homer: What’s a highway?
Burns: You know. The inter-state highway system. Built in 1956? Oh, right.

From the Red to the Black (and White) Pt. 3
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Noir Homer: Mr. Simpson, is it? Your boss said I should come talk to you.
Homer: It wasn’t me. Somebody else used the office fern for lettuce in their sandwich, and switched the core video monitor to ESPN9, and did everything else I did.
Noir Homer: What? No. Mr. Burns said you were the last person to see the fugitives before they fled. Did you see where they went?
Homer: Those funny-talking guys? Well, first they asked where they could “lie low”, and I said that I usually do it behind my desk, but they didn’t like that answer. Then they asked where was the nearest “flop house” and I suggested Fox Studios, but they didn’t like that either. Then they asked where they could get some “shut eye” and I actually understood that and said that I always got a good nap at church, so I think they went there.
Noir Homer: Come on, you’re driving.
Homer: Woohoo! Second lunch break!
Make Homer Drive Noir Homer to the Church- 4hrs
Collect Rotary Phones- x155. 4hrs.
Homer: Well, here we are. See ya!
Noir Homer: You’re not coming?
Homer: You mean you’re deputizing me? I’ve always wanted to be a detective! I promise I won’t let you down.
Noir Homer: Deputizing you? I’m no sheriff. I’m a noir detective. The only jobs I have to offer are gal friday, femme fatale, and sidekick.
Homer: Are you open to non-traditional casting?
Noir Homer: I have no idea what that is, so I’m gonna go with no.
Homer: I guess I can do sidekick. I’ve still got the tights from the update where I dressed as Robin Hood.
Noir Homer: I would very much appreciate you not wearing the tights.

From the Red to the Black (and White) Pt. 4
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Noir Homer: We’re looking for three dangerous fugitives that may have come through here.
Lovejoy: Good Lord. What did they do?
Noir Homer: They’re suspected of favoring workplace safety regulation. They’re extremely dangerous to the corporate profit margins.
Lovejoy: What did they look like?
Noir Homer: Average builds, average height, average…averageness.
Lovejoy: This is a house of God, detective. Many lost sheep come through our doors. You’ll have to be more specific.
Noir Homer: They were in black and white.
Lovejoy: Oh, you could have led with that. Yes, I know which individuals to whom you are referring. They said they didn’t have a place a stay, so I let them sleep in our basement last night. Helen, could you show the detective the way?
Homer: We’ll also be needing this. *takes bottle of wine off desk*
Lovejoy: That’s for communion!
Homer: Reverend, we’re the police. We’re already doing the Lord’s work, okay? *winks at Noir Homer*
Noir Homer: Well, that’s a new record for the fastest I’ve ever regretted deputizing someone.
Homer: There’s just one more thing, Reverend…
Lovejoy: I’ve been more than patient, but, please, go on.
Homer: This counts as church!
Make Homer Look for More Things to Confiscate- 4hrs
Make Helen Escort Noir Homer- 4hrs
Collect Rotary Phones- x155. 4hrs.
Helen Lovejoy: I’m so glad you’re here, detective. I feel so much safer with a real man in the house with those fugitives.
Noir Homer: *narrating* Her tone lit up every light on the switchboard, and I knew I was in danger. One long look into her tiny black eyes and I’d be a goner.
Helen Lovejoy: Are you talking to me?
Noir Homer: I’m narrating. It gets a bad rap these days, but in my time it was as common as a femme fatale trapped in a dead-end marriage to a holy Joe.
Homer: It is helpful.
Helen Lovejoy: Do you have other ideas about writing? Perhaps we should get together sometime and you can tell me all about them.
Noir Homer: It’s tempting. But I’ve got a black-and-white lady waiting for me at home and I’m not going to screw that up even for a chance to go on about myself and my writing.
Helen Lovejoy: Does she have to know?
Noir Homer: My narrating makes it hard to keep secrets. Besides, Noir Marge is the only dame for me.  *narrating* He said with finality, closing the subject for good.
Homer: Fine, they’re in here.
Thirties Worker 1: Oh, no, it’s the fuzz!
Thirties Worker 2: We didn’t do nothing, we swear!
Noir Homer: Save it, fellas. I’m just here to bring you back to the power plant.
Thirties Worker 1: There’s no way I’m going back there. They don’t even allow cigarette breaks!
Noir Homer: Hold it. They don’t let you two smoke while you’re working?
Thirties Worker 2: That’s just the tip of the iceberg. You wouldn’t believe what goes on in that place.
Noir Homer: Hmm. It seems there’s more to this story than meets the eye. Okay, new plan, we’re heading back to my office to sort this whole thing out.
Homer: Hang on. I’m not quite done with communion.

From the Red to the Black (and White) Pt. 5
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Noir Homer: So, you’re saying you’re in physical danger working at Mr. Burns’ plant?
Thirties Worker 1: When I get home, I’m so beat I have to put my feet in a basin of cold water.
Noir Homer: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Thirties Worker 1: My feet make the water boil!
Thirties Worker 2: I got a toothache!
Noir Homer: Are you sure that’s the plant’s fault? Do you brush regularly?
Thirties Worker 2: It’s in the new face growing in my chest. And of course I brush its teeth!
Homer: Yech.
Noir Homer: This whole time I’ve been working for the bad guy. Who could’ve seen that coming? I think it’s time we all get back to an era when things made sense.
Homer: Like the Great Depression?
Noir Homer: Exactly. Now I’m gonna go reverse the portal that brought us all here so we can go back home. Homer, are you sober enough to drive?
Homer: Eh, sober enough for the ’30s.
Make Homer Take Noir Homer Back to the Plant- 4hrs
Collect Rotary Phones- x195. 4hrs.
Homer: Are you sure you wanna do this? There’s a lot of great things about the future that you haven’t seen yet. Did you know they can fry Oreos, now? Also our phones connect us to all of the world’s information, plus its misinformation AND its disinformation!
Noir Homer: Save it. I’m reversing this portal and that’s all there is to it.
Homer: Well, it was nice knowing you. I’ll never forget the time you believed me when I framed Lenny for stealing the company donuts.
Noir Homer: Farewell, Homer. I hope you can steer this town back on track. *flips switch* Hmm, I think something is wrong. And is that music I hear? Oh no, something’s definitely wrong. Someone is coming through the portal!
Homer: Ooh, a big reveal just before the end of the first part of the story! I can’t wait to see who it is. I’m glad we avoided the classic Hollywood crutch of using cliffhangers. Man are people fed up with those. We need instant gratification.
Noir Homer: What’s a “cliffhanger”?
Homer: Oh you know, it’s that cheap gimmick where you cut things off right before the big reveal.
Noir Homer: Oh, right, like if we just stopped talking now and didn’t show who it was that came through the portal?
Homer: Exactly.

And that’s it my friends, the full dialogue for Act 1 of Into the Simpsonsverse!

Thoughts on Act 1? Dialogue? Where do you think the story will head in Act 2? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!