Hell on Wheels Act 2 Full Dialogue: The Quest for Car

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 3 of the Hell on Wheels event to start, it’s time to wrap up Act 2 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for The Quest for Car…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

The Quest for Car Pt. 1
Auto starts

Bart: Check it out, they have a bunch of old food trucks!
Homer: Food trucks?! I want a food truck!
Lisa: Dad, you know these old food trucks don’t actually come with food.
Homer: Then what’s in all these cabinets? *opening cabinet*
Lisa: Looks like cockroaches.
Homer: WAAAAH! Ask them where the food is!
Make Simpsons Flee Food Trucks- x5. 4hrs
Collect Hubcaps- x115.
Homer: What are we going to do now?
Marge: Homer, this town must have another used car dealership. Look at how many casinos and recycling centers there are.
Homer: Let me get this straight, Marge: You want to win money gambling so you can get a car at a recycling center?
Marge: That wasn’t what I said… Although it’s not the worst idea I’ve heard today.

The Quest for Car Pt. 2
Auto starts

Crazy Vaclav: Welcome to Crazy Vaclav’s Place of Automobiles! I am Crazy Vaclav.
Lisa: Crazy?
Crazy Vaclav: Is insensitive, yes, but I legally changed name before I became woke, so am stuck with it now.
Marge: We’re looking for an affordable, reliable car.
Crazy Vaclav: Affordable and reliable only kind of car Crazy Vaclav have! Look at latest in small Eastern European transport auto.
Homer: Is it inside this box?
Crazy Vaclav:  IS this box.
Homer: Ooh, what about this sexy little red sports car? *drool*
Krusty: Hands off, pal! That’s my car.
Homer: I knew that.
Krusty: Then why are you still drooling on it?
Marge: It takes a while to stop once he gets going.
Make Homer Pretend He Was Only Kidding- 4hrs
Make Krusty Wipe Drool Off His Car- 4hrs
Collect Hubcaps- x115.
Bart: Krusty, what are you doing at Crazy Vaclav’s?
Krusty: He’s my kosher caviar connection.
Lisa: But…caviar can’t be kosher because sturgeons don’t have scales.
Krusty: Vaclav, is what this little girl says true?
Crazy Vaclav: Look, “Crazy” apply to my rabbinical standards, too.

The Quest for Car Pt. 3
Auto starts

Homer: I don’t want one of these stupid little boxy cars! I want a sexy, red chick magnet like Krusty.
Krusty: Do you mean my nose? Because if you think that’s attractive to women, you’ve never had rosacea.
Homer: I was talking about your car.
Krusty: Oh. Say, why don’t you come down to the Springfield Auto Show with me?
Crazy Vaclav: Or maybe you stay here and Vaclav can run your credit check.
Marge: Homer, let’s just go home and look over the ads in the Springfield Shopper.
Homer: Hmm. All but one of those options is bound to end in humiliation. Let’s go to the Auto Show!
Marge: *annoyed grumble*
Make Homer Leave in a Huff- 4hrs
Make Krusty Drive tot he Auto Show- 4hrs
Make Marge Worry About Homer- 4hrs
Collect Hubcaps- x115.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Welcome to the Springfield Auto Show!
Krusty: Here are the keys, kid. Make sure you leave the motor running in case I need to make a quick getaway.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Fifteen dollars parking — payable up front.
Krusty: Homer, pay the kid.
Homer: What? Why me?
Krusty: I don’t carry cash anymore. Or credit cards. Just thumb drives full of crypto.
Homer: Well…uh…let me just check my pockets here… I’ve got 10 pence from that time I went to England… …and 25 centavos from that time I went to Brazil… …and a Tofu Bell Rewards card from that time I went to Tofu Bell.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: *sigh* I’ll take the card.

The Quest for Car Pt. 4
Auto starts

Homer: Boy, parking valets have really gotten aggressive.
Krusty: If you want good treatment, you need to be a good tipper.
Homer: Oh yeah? What constitutes good treatment?
Krusty: How should I know? I’ve never left a tip in my life.
Make Homer Drool Over Shiny New Cars- 4hrs
Make Krusty Check Out Concept Clown Cars- 4hrs
Collect Hubcaps- x155.
Detective Don Brodka: Hey, knock off the drooling you two!
Krusty: I beg your pardon. *shows badge* I have the V.I.P. Pass.
Detective Don Brodka: Sorry, sir, that does include full drooling privileges.
Homer: What does my pass get?
Detective Don Brodka: You’re not even allowed to speak. You’re a J.O.J.
Homer: J.O.J.?
Detective Don Brodka: “Just an Ordinary Jerk.”
Homer: Ah, man…
Detective Don Brodka: No speaking!

The Quest for Car Pt. 5
Auto starts

Homer: Marge was right. I can’t afford anything here!
Krusty: Homer, you gotta learn to stop holding yourself back. Crappy diem — or whatever that prep school movie said.
Homer: I’m a family man. I need to find something affordable…practical…
Fancy Duffman: Duffman says come check out the next item up for bid at our charity auction: a Road Monster XXXL 550 Alpha American Edition!
Homer: “Alpha American Edition”? What does that mean?
Fancy Duffman: This baby has red, white, and blue flood lights; a painting of an eagle on the back gate……and a bass speaker under the driver’s seat so you can feel the Star-Spangled Banner in your butt while you drive! OH YEAH!
Homer: Wow! But does it come with a travel mug?
Make Homer Bid Without Restraint- 4hrs
Collect Hubcaps- x195.
Fancy Duffman: And the winner of the Road Monster XXXL 550 Alpha American Edition is Howard Sampson!
Homer: Do you mean “Homer Simpson”?
Fancy Duffman: Duffman is not getting paid enough to care so…OH YEAH!
Father Sean: Homer, we really want to thank you for supporting our charity with your winning bid. How will you be paying?
Homer: Uh…
Detective Don Brodka: I warned you about speaking.

And that’s it my friends, the full Act 2 dialogue for Hell on Wheels! Stay tuned for Act 3 to start on Sunday!

Thoughts on the Act 2 dialogue?  Prize track? Where do you think the story is heading?  Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!

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