Slight change of plan, the post on those bits of Gold Road is taking longer than expected so I’m putting this up first…
If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time you’re in luck.
Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this mini-event.
What’s in this post:
• Intro – Aim for the Czars
• Prize track – The Waste Race parts 1 to 5
• Outro – Write it Off ( just dialog, no tasks )
Intro: Aim for the Czars
Aim for the Czars:
Augustus Redfield: Springfielders, I have a very special announcement. I’m creating my own space company here, and I’m gonna launch myself into space!
Lisa: Haven’t multiple other billionaires already done that?
Augustus Redfield: Bah. They just went to suborbital space. This billionaire’s going to deep space!
Bart: Hate to break it to you dude, but people don’t consider Bezos and Branson cool.
Lisa: They’re like the most UNcool!
Augustus Redfield: Exactly! I’m going to out-uncool all of them!
Lisa: You want to beat them at being uncool?
Augustus Redfield: Billionaires want to beat each other at anything! Do you think we buy art at auctions because we actually like art?
Augustus Redfield: Or that Jerry Jones owns a football team because he actually likes football?
Homer: He does seem to like losing in the playoffs.
Augustus Redfield: Good one! I’m gonna tweet that to him.
• Make Homer Excitedly Retweet Redfield’s Tweet – 6 seconds
Aristotle Amadopolis: Is this true what I read in the Billionaire Discord?
Burns: You mean that Cottonelle is 20% off at CVS this week?
Aristotle Amadopolis: No, that Augustus Redfield wants to be the first of us in deep space.
Artie Ziff: It’s true. Last night he posted a meme of him floating in deep space while dog versions of us sit in a room on fire saying, “THIS IS FINE.”
Burns: But then he deleted it because he misspelled “FIINE.”
Aristotle Amadopolis: Well too bad for him, I’m gonna beat him there.
Artie Ziff: Have fun in second place.
Burns: Well if he’s in second place, I’ll guess you’ll have to be in third.
Aristotle Amadopolis: Oh look, Augustus just posted another meme in the Discord. It’s him as a little girl smiling at the camera, while in the background all our mansions are on fire.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP
once complete the event panel, quests and store items will show
Prize Track: The Waste Race
The Waste Race part 1:
Lisa: So Augustus, I assume since you want to make your trip to space as uncool as possible…
Lisa: You’re gonna dress up and act like an astronaut on your spaceship even though you’re not actually doing anything to operate the ship?
Augustus Redfield: Oh, I’m not going on the spaceship.
Lisa: Really? Who would be more uncool to have on your spaceship than you?
Rasputin The Friendly Russian: Hello comrades!
Lisa: No. You are NOT using Rasputin the Friendly Russian as your astronaut.
Rasputin The Friendly Russian: Da! He is! In Russia, spaceship flies YOU!
• Collect Space Helmets – x 115 
• Make Augustus Laugh at Reworked Yakov Smirnoff Jokes – 4 hours
• Make Lisa Suspiciously Eye Rasputin – 4 hours
Lisa: I know you billionaires are competitive, but when it comes to having an uncool astronaut for his spaceship, I think Augustus has got this locked up.
Aristotle Amadopolis: Think again!
Lisa: Oh come on. An astronaut more uncool than Rasputin the Friendly Russian? Uh-uh. Doesn’t exist.
Comic Book Guy: This spacesuit is a bit snug. Isn’t there any size larger than XXXL?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and decoration: Gold Bars
The Waste Race part 2:
Lisa: I’ve gotta hand it to you billionaires, you really know how to be uncool. You’ve managed to find the only two characters people wouldn’t like as astronauts more than you.
Burns: Ha…the ONLY two?
Lisa: I literally just read through the entire character list on Tapped Out. There’s no one else uncool enough to be your astronaut.
Burns: How about…you?
Lisa: Me? But I’ve dedicated my life to trying to make the world a better place by pointing out the flaws and inequities in everyone else’s plans!
Burns: And you think that’s cool?
Lisa: Okay, I see it now. Maybe I’m not as cool as I thought…
Lisa: But at least I’ll be going to space! Woo-hoo!
• Collect Space Helmets – x 115
• Make Lisa Prep a “One Small Step For Woman” Speech – 4 hours
Artie Ziff: Man, my competitors have really stepped it up with their picks of uncool astronauts. I gotta find someone who can top them.
Homer: Ahem. Ahem, ahem.
Artie Ziff: Homer…you’re bumbling, you’re pitiful, but you’re also lovable! You’re just not uncool enough to fly my spaceship.
Homer: Listen, Mister Level forty-five update! If you wanna be back here before Level forty-five hundred, you’ll do the right thing.
Artie Ziff: Well, I suppose I HAVE always wanted to send you into space. The only difference is in this scenario you’ll be coming back. Maybe.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and decoration: Redstar Helicopter
The Waste Race part 3:
Augustus Redfield: So Rasputin, you ready to begin training for this amazing space journey?
Quimby: Sorry, but Rasputin isn’t allowed to work in Springfield. His green card expired.
Augustus Redfield: So did my housekeeper’s. That doesn’t mean she’s not still cleaning my toilets!
• Collect Space Helmets – x 155
• Make Quimby Fine Augustus for Illegal Hiring – 4 hours
• Make Homer Get a Bargain on Rasputin’s Spacesuit – 4 hours
Aristotle Amadopolis: With Augustus out of the competition, winning this thing should be a breeze. Comic Book Guy, let’s get you in this spaceship!
Comic Book Guy: How? Through that little hatch? It’s smaller than the car door of a Miata!
Comic Book Guy: Doesn’t this space capsule come in any size larger than XXXL?
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building: Augustus Redfield’s Mansion
The Waste Race part 4:
Milhouse: Lisa, you seem weirdly excited to fly into deep space to help out a billionaire tomorrow.
Lisa: That’s because when I’m up there, I’m going to record a series of TikToks showing the fragility of the Earth…
Lisa: Which thanks to my credibility with the under-10 set will ensure the outlawing of fossil fuels by 2063.
Skinner: Sorry Lisa, but tomorrow you won’t be in space. You’ll be in detention.
Lisa: What? Why?
Skinner: For making other children feel discomfort, guilt, and psychological distress for their position on the environment.
Skinner: Liberals don’t have a monopoly on feeling triggered!
• Collect Space Helmets – x 115
• Make Lisa Sit in Detention – 4 hours
Homer: All the other astronauts are eliminated! That means I, Homer Simpson, am going to space!
Comic Book Guy: Again!
Ned: Don’t forget your carbon rod!
Bart: And watch out for those ants!
Homer: Guys, no one knows what you’re talking about.
Marge: Well I’M talking about floating potato chips!
Homer: GUYS. No one is getting the references. “Deep Space Homer” was season five…from NINETEEN NINETY-FOUR!
Homer: There is no one playing this game who was alive when it aired. Now let me prepare for my space flight in peace!
Wiggum: You gonna listen to some James Taylor to get in the mood?
Homer: ENOUGH!
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and decoration: Redstar Barge
The Waste Race part 5:
Artie Ziff: Heh, I’m the last one with an astronaut. Nothing can stop me now from winning the billionaire deep space race!
Augustus Redfield: Except not reading the fine print on your spaceship lease.
Artie Ziff: Excuse me?
Augustus Redfield: “ABC Spaceship Leasing reserves the right to revoke the lease anytime.” I know it well ’cause I wrote it.
Artie Ziff: YOU own ABC Spaceship Leasing? Argh! I knew a $79 spaceship lease was too good to be true.
Augustus Redfield: I’ll take the keys to the spaceship now. And can you remove the Club from the steering wheel?
• Collect Space Helmets – x 195
• Make Artie Ziff Remove the Club – 4 hours
• Make Augustus Redfield Give Artie a Free Pen – 4 hours
• Make Homer Prep For Launch – 4 hours
Homer_Deep Space: Augustus, I’ve put on that impressively fake-looking spacesuit you got, and I’ve used the bathroom. I’m ready to go to deep space!
Homer_Deep Space: Where’s the spaceship by the way?
Augustus Redfield: It’s right in front of you.
Homer_Deep Space: All I see is a pile of carbon fiber composite debris.
Augustus Redfield: That’s what happened when we tried to tow it here on the back of a truck. Just imagine what it would look like if we actually tried to launch it.
Homer_Deep Space: So I’m not going to deep space? And you don’t get to be the uncoolest billionaire in the world?
Augustus Redfield: Eh, it was wishful thinking. But no matter how uncool I became, I was never gonna be as uncool as Elon Musk.
Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and decoration: Space Station
Outro: Write it Off
Write it Off:
Homer: So I don’t get to have the once in a lifetime opportunity to go into space a second time? Oh well, I guess all’s well that ends well.
Artie Ziff: “All’s well?” Do you have any idea how much money I threw into this space program?!
Burns: You used your own money? Rookie mistake. The government paid for mine.
Lisa: So this whole space flight of fancy was paid for by the United States?!
Burns: No. I said the government, but I didn’t specify which one.
Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP
Back later with that Gold Road Tiles post.
