Food Wars: Dialog Recap

 
If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time then you’re in luck. Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this mini event

What’s in this post
• Intro: A Healthy Distaste
• Prize Track: Climbing Hamburger Hill parts 1 to 5
• Outro: Victory With a Side of Fries

Intro: A Healthy Distaste

Marge: What’s going on? There are cars backed up around the block.
Marge: Bart, did you change the street signs to Japanese again?
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Why you little!
Bart: But I did that over in Shelbyville, not here.
Homer: Heh-heh, stupid monolingual Shelbyvillians…
Lisa: Looks like the traffic jam is from a new fast food restaurant that just opened up.
Homer: New fast food restaurant?! Marge, pull over!
Marge: Homer, you’re driving!
Bart And Lisa: AHHH!
Homer: Hey-hey-hey, don’t change the subject. I wonder what kind of fast food joint it is — Nashville chicken? Hot chicken?? NASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN?!
Lisa: “Low-Fat Lad” restaurant?? Looks like Lard Lad is rebranding. I hope their menu is more creative than their new name…
Homer: Low Fat? What’s the point of eating fast food if it’s healthy?!
Lisa: Oh, it’s still overly processed and packed with chemicals. They just use words like “Organic” and “Cleanse” on it now.
Marge: Ooh, “cleanse”. I like the sound of that!
Bart: “Cleanse” means diarrhea, Mom.
Homer: So it IS like regular fast food! Gimme-gimme-gimme!
Krusty: Uh oh, even Homer Simpson is into Low-Fat Lad? And I just made plans to expand my Krusty Burger empire.
Krusty: I gotta back out of this deal faster than Johnny Carson at a valet stand. Zing!

• Make Springfielders Flock to Healthy Restaurants – x 5, 6 seconds
• Make Krusty Cancel Expansion Plans – 6 seconds

Bart: That Low-Fat Lad meal was so gross! I bet the wrapper tastes better than the food.
Homer: Mmm…greasy wrapper.
Marge: Homer, don’t eat it! These wrappers are made from recycled material. You don’t know where it’s been!
Homer: Maybe it was recycled from old Krusty Burger wrappers?
Krusty: No, the recycling plant turned us away. So did the landfills.
Krusty: But I do own the largest floating garbage island in the Pacific! Speaking of which, do you have time to talk about an AMAZING timeshare opportunity?
Homer: Will there be free Krusty Burgers at the presentation?
Krusty: No, our margins are razor thin after those people sued us for finding razors in their food.
Moe: Move outta my way, I gotta get to Krusty Burger and get this disgusting healthy taste out of my mouth!
Comic Book Guy: Me too! Low-Fat Lad is leaving a worse taste in my mouth than the latest Radioactive Man re-reboot: “The Multiverse of Meaninglessness”!
Moe: What the heck, there’s a huge line outside Krusty Burger! Krusty, you need to build more restaurants!
Krusty: I gotta cancel my plans to cancel my expansion plans!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP

Prize Track: Climbing Hamburger Hill

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 1:

Burns: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
Krusty: I get that this is an exclusive country club, but do you really need a live tiger guarding the door?
The Rich Texan: That killer kitty cat keeps the riff-raff out. You’d be surprised how many people come in here hat in hand asking for moolah.
Arthur Fortune: It makes me want to vomit, Krusty. You should see the pathetic look in their eyes when they’re about to debase themselves and beg for—
Arthur Fortune: Wait, why are you looking at us like that?
Krusty: You gotta help me, I’m begging you! I canceled my Krusty Burger expansion plans because I got scared off by Low-Fat Lad, but now everyone came crawling back to my deep-fried cash cow, but my financing fell through!
Krusty: Krusty Burger can’t keep up with demand, and I need an extra-large cash infusion!

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Krusty Try to Revive Krusty Burger Expansion – 4 hours
• Make Cayman Islands Banker Refuse to Fund Expansion – 4 hours
• Make Richies Invest in Their Own Fast Food Joints – x 3, 4 hours

Krusty: You won’t loan me the money to build more Krusty Burger restaurants?!
The Rich Texan: Nope! We’re gonna invest in our own fast food joints. Mine’s called Yee-Haw Hotdogs. I had my pistols retrofitted to shoot relish.
Arthur Fortune: I’m opening a Chinese buffet called Fortune Cookie Kitchen — we serve fortune cookies for the entree and give you kung pao chicken when the check comes.
Krusty: So none of you will finance me? Not even you, Cayman Island Banker guy? People love Krusty Burger now! This is a sure thing!
Cayman Island Banker: Sorry, I’m also opening a restaurant that serves fortune cookies.

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, Low-Fat Lad

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 2:

Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here for “Eye on Springfield” — although since we’re talking about fast food restaurants, maybe we should call it “Tongue on Springfield”.
Kent Brockman: We definitely can’t call it “Hands on Springfield” as I recently learned in a very educational HR meeting…
Kent Brockman: We’re here with some entrepreneurs who are starting up restaurants hoping that Springfielders are tired of waiting to get into Krusty Burger.
Kent Brockman: Tell us about your new fast food venture, Mr. Fortune.
Arthur Fortune: At Fortune Cookie Kitchen, we don’t use the term “fast food”. We prefer “quick cuisine,” or “swift sustenance,” or “expedited edibles”.
Arthur Fortune: Coincidentally, I’m having a huge sale on thesauruses at Fortune Megastores!
Kent Brockman: Thank you for the very useful information. And how about you, Mr. Burns?
Kent Brockman: What made you decide to serve exclusively plant-based hamburgers at your X-Cell-Ent Burger chain?
Burns: The animal rights protesters have become quite boring so I decided to see how far I could push the tree huggers. Sometimes I send them carrot peels in the mail for fun.
Jesse Grass: You’re a monster, Burns!
Kent Brockman: And even local schmo Homer Simpson is getting in on the action. How did you come to try your hand in the fast food biz?
Homer: Well Kent, I literally plunged my hand into a deep fryer on accident and the smell was to die for! After this Cayman Islands Banker guy got a whiff, he invested in Kentucky Fried Simpson!
Kent Brockman: Surely you don’t plan on deep-frying yourself and selling it to people?
Homer: I don’t?
Kent Brockman: And finally we have Dimwillie, CEO and spokesburger for Dimwillie’s.
Dimwillie: Aw shucks, gee whiz! I don’t know about all this fancy business talk. I just make hamburgers and hope people will like them.
Kent Brockman: Wow, a refreshingly simple and honest statement! You might go far in this town, Dimwillie—
Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, will you stop trying to eat your hand!
Homer: Sorry…

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Homer Be Confused About What “Fried Simpson” Is – 4 hours
• Make Burns Mess With the Tree Huggers – 4 hours
• Make Springfielders Flock to Dimwillie’s – x 5, 4 hours

Dimwillie: Golly gee, I sure am happy that people like eating my hamburgers. They’re simple like me!
Marge: The burgers are just okay, but who wouldn’t be won over by Dimwillie’s “aw shucks” earnestness?
Helen Lovejoy: I’ve always secretly suspected that Krusty is laughing at us and not with us.
Krusty: Who, me? Why would I laugh at a woman whose idea of a joke is saying “Won’t someone think of the children?”
Marge: I see what you mean, Helen.
Dimwillie: Aw now, don’t be cross at ol’ Krusty. Everything gets old when you don’t have any new material. Golly gee!
Homer: Haha! His jokes are staler than his hamburger buns!
Krusty: Everyone’s a comedian, huh? Well you realize this means war, Dimwillie.
Dimwillie: I hope so.
Krusty: What?
Dimwillie: Aw shucks, I didn’t say nothin’! I’m just a simple hamburger salesman. Here, have one.
Krusty: No thank you!
Krusty: Wait, is it free? Then I’ll take it — but I won’t like it.

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, Kentucky Fried Simpson

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 3:

Krusty: Will you guys please take another look at funding my Krusty Burger expansion plans?
Burns: Krusty, how did you get back into our club?!
Krusty: I distracted your guard tiger with a bucket of beef.
The Rich Texan: You fed him Krusty Burgers? That’s animal cruelty!
Krusty: Relax, I checked with a veterinarian and he said you can feed a tiger anything Grade C and above.
Krusty: So I got some beef from Dimwillie’s…
Dimwillie: Did someone say my name?
Krusty: What’s meathead doing here?
Burns: We love this guy.
Cayman Island Banker: Our money’s all in Dimwillie’s now.
Krusty: Okay, but can Dimwillie make you a star? I still have my own studio and a TV show, you know.
The Rich Texan: I could be on TV? That gives me some ideas…
Krusty: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can’t accept unsolicited ideas. Or solicited ones.
Krusty: But I’ll plaster your face on TV!

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Krusty Use Stardom to Appeal to Rich Guy Egos – 4 hours
• Make The Rich Texan Envision Stardom – 4 hours
• Make Dimwillie Schmooze Rich Guys Even Harder – 4 hours

Krusty: Okay, Rich Texan, just stand here and when the director points to you, say your line: “Yee haw!”
The Rich Texan: I want to start in a oner and then pan over into a two-shot that tracks me down this hallway right as magic hour hits so the light’ll flare real nice on that there 55mm lens.
Krusty: Easy there, Alfred Half-cocked. This is a kid’s show filmed in a Cold War-era studio that’s mostly made of asbestos.
Sideshow Mel: Can we take our places? We’re going live in 3…2…1…
Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Today we’ve got a very special guest who just LOVES eating at Krusty Burger. Isn’t that right, Rich Texan?
The Rich Texan: Yee…uh, I mean…Yee… uhhh…line?!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, X-Cell-Ent Burger

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 4:

The Rich Texan: I looked like a durn fool!
The Rich Texan: I haven’t froze up like that since I went ice fishing during a blizzard in my skivvies while drinkin’ a frozen daiquiri and then forgot what I was supposed to say!
Krusty: What a disaster. Now I’m in even worse shape than I was before…
Lenny: Hey look, it’s that moron from Krusty Burger who couldn’t remember his line!
Carl: Yeah, what a dope! Seeing him on TV really made me…uh…uh…
Krusty: Never want to go to Krusty Burger again?
Carl: No, it made me hungry! That guy was so…uh…
Krusty: Relatable?
Carl: Exactly. Two Krusty Burgers please!
Dimwillie: Hey, being dumb and relatable is my thing!
Krusty: Don’t worry, pal, there’s plenty of stupidity to go around.
Dimwillie: There’s only room for one moronic burger chain in this town…

• Collect Condiments – x 150
• Make Dimwillie Unleash Burger Army – 4 hours
• Make Krusty Cringe at the Carnage – 4 hours
• Make Springfielders Run for Cover – x 5, 4 hours

Krusty: I can’t believe you people are letting these burger soldiers force you to eat at Dimwillie’s.
Carl: Yeah, it is kinda weird that an army of burger people are threatening us… Wait a minute, is this a Halloween update?
Lenny: It must be! I love when things are non-canonical. Hey, watch — I’m gonna smash my arm though this window and nothing’s gonna happen!
Lenny: Look, just a bunch of ketchup pouring out of my arm and me getting all woozy. Happy Halloweeee…
Lisa: Um, we should probably call 911. There’s a lot of “ketchup” coming out of his arm…
Carl: Aw, don’t worry, he fell into the condiments station. The Dimwillie’s special sauce stopped the bleeding.
Krusty: Great, now his burgers save lives, too?!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and bundle, Wrecked Krusty Burger skin and Burger Soldiers decoration
Buy More: Burger Soldiers cost 20 Donuts

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 5:

Bart: I don’t know why everyone’s so bent outta shape — I love martial law! Whenever I get caught after curfew, they sentence me to two hours hard flavor at Dimwillie’s.
Lisa: Well I hate it, Dimwillie’s doesn’t even have a vegetarian option. I asked for vegetable soup and they gave me a cup of Dimwillie’s Special Sauce!
Homer: Oooh, a milkshake!
Lisa: Dad, it’s not a—
Homer: I love this familiar flavor. *drinks more*
Lisa: Something weird is going on around here…
Krusty: You mean weirder than an army of burger-people taking over our town and making people eat here at Dimwillie’s?
Bart: Krusty, what are you doing in here? Did the burger soldiers force you to come?
Krusty: No, I’m just hiding out to avoid my creditors. Looks like Dimwillie has won the burger wars.
Dimwillie: Well, “golly gee”, Krusty. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.
Dimwillie: Looks like my brand of simple folksiness and the lowest prices in town have put me on top.
Lisa: How does he keep the prices so low…
Lisa: Not so fast, Dimwillie!

• Collect Condiments – x 200
• Make Dimwillie Force Springfielders to Eat His Burgers – 4 hours
• Make Krusty Prepare to Surrender the Burger Wars – 4 hours
• Make Lisa Investigate Dimwillie’s Special Sauce – 4 hours
• Make Bart Investigate Dimwillie’s Special Sauce – 4 hours

Frink: Yep, Dimwillie’s special sauce is 100% identical to Krusty’s!
Dimwillie: You can’t prove that!
Frink: I believe I just did, with the beakers and the bunsen burners and the comparing of the listed ingredients.
Dimwillie: It was the perfect crime. But how did you figure it out?
Lisa: The first clue was when your special sauce stopped the bleeding on Lenny’s arm.
Lisa: I knew Krusty would be so cheap as to mix in sawdust to stretch the sauce, which clotted on Lenny’s arm.
Krusty: It’s true!
Bart: And then our dad chugged it down and said it tasted familiar. This is a man who has ingested gallons of Krusty Sauce in his life.
Lisa: And finally, we saw your army of burger soldiers painstakingly squeezing hundreds of Krusty Sauce packets into Dimwillie’s buckets.
Dimwillie: Ugh. This is what happens when you employ literal hamburgers to do your dirty work.
Krusty: And now I’m finally gonna run you out of town!
Dimwillie: Oh, yeah? You and what army?
Blue Haired Lawyer: That would be me and my army of fellow trial lawyers.
Dimwillie: Golly gee…

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and skin, Fast Food Grampa

Outro: Victory With a Side of Fries

Krusty: So you see, Your Honor, that burger-headed bozo is responsible for an entire city’s pain and suffering, and also ripping off my special sauce!
Judge Snyder: Pipe down, Krusty. I’m considering charging you as an accessory to the crime for serving that sauce!
Marge: Wow, this is really intense. Here, Lisa, I brought you a Low-Fat Lad yogurt.
Lisa: Uh, thanks, Mom, but are we supposed to even have food in the courtroom?
Dimwillie: Oh golly, oh gosh, Judge, don’t be too hard on ol’ Krusty. He’s just a little confused — just like I was confused when I was ordering special sauce.
Krusty: And when you ordered an army of burger men to take over the town!
Judge Snyder: Order in the court! Another outburst like that Krusty and I’ll have the burger soldiers take you outside!
Marge: This is quite the show. I should’ve brought popcorn!
Lisa: You can have the rest of this Low-Fat Lad Yogurt, it tastes terrible…

• Make Krusty Embarrass Himself in Court – 4 hours
• Make the Blue Haired Lawyer Object to His Client – 4 hours
• Make Dimwillie Charm the Jury – 4 hours
• Make Lisa Wonder What’s Up With Low-Fat Lad Yogurt – 4 hours

Judge Snyder: You’re fortunate the jury decided to go easy on you, Mr. Dimwillie. Try not to try to take over the city again.
Dimwillie: Oh, gee whiz, Your Honor, I sure won’t do that again! Heh heh heh…
Krusty: But what about him stealing my special sauce? He’s ruining my reputation!
Judge Snyder: If anything, he’s bolstering your reputation — people actually liked it when it was on his burgers! Court is adjourned!
Krusty: Well, that stinks!
Lisa: And so does this Low-Fat Lad yogurt!
Krusty: Lemme try that. *tastes yogurt*
Krusty: Hey, this is also made of my special sauce!
Krusty: Which means I can file a new lawsuit! Windfall, here I come!
Laird Ladd: Your special sauce is ketchup mixed with mayo, you can’t sue someone for that!

Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP

And that’s a wrap ( Mmmmmm, wrap !! ) for this mini event.
Back tomorrow to remind you it ends on Wednesday and then I think it’ll be a week off before the next update.

TTFN.