Food Wars: Dialog Recap

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If you’ve been zapping through your tapping and it’s all been a bit of a blur or if you just fancied a reminder of what the writers got up to this time then you’re in luck. Here’s all the dialog and tasks for this mini event

What’s in this post
• Intro: A Healthy Distaste
• Prize Track: Climbing Hamburger Hill parts 1 to 5
• Outro: Victory With a Side of Fries

Intro: A Healthy Distaste

Marge: What’s going on? There are cars backed up around the block.
Marge: Bart, did you change the street signs to Japanese again?
Bart: Yeah.
Homer: Why you little!
Bart: But I did that over in Shelbyville, not here.
Homer: Heh-heh, stupid monolingual Shelbyvillians…
Lisa: Looks like the traffic jam is from a new fast food restaurant that just opened up.
Homer: New fast food restaurant?! Marge, pull over!
Marge: Homer, you’re driving!
Bart And Lisa: AHHH!
Homer: Hey-hey-hey, don’t change the subject. I wonder what kind of fast food joint it is — Nashville chicken? Hot chicken?? NASHVILLE HOT CHICKEN?!
Lisa: “Low-Fat Lad” restaurant?? Looks like Lard Lad is rebranding. I hope their menu is more creative than their new name…
Homer: Low Fat? What’s the point of eating fast food if it’s healthy?!
Lisa: Oh, it’s still overly processed and packed with chemicals. They just use words like “Organic” and “Cleanse” on it now.
Marge: Ooh, “cleanse”. I like the sound of that!
Bart: “Cleanse” means diarrhea, Mom.
Homer: So it IS like regular fast food! Gimme-gimme-gimme!
Krusty: Uh oh, even Homer Simpson is into Low-Fat Lad? And I just made plans to expand my Krusty Burger empire.
Krusty: I gotta back out of this deal faster than Johnny Carson at a valet stand. Zing!

• Make Springfielders Flock to Healthy Restaurants – x 5, 6 seconds
• Make Krusty Cancel Expansion Plans – 6 seconds

Bart: That Low-Fat Lad meal was so gross! I bet the wrapper tastes better than the food.
Homer: Mmm…greasy wrapper.
Marge: Homer, don’t eat it! These wrappers are made from recycled material. You don’t know where it’s been!
Homer: Maybe it was recycled from old Krusty Burger wrappers?
Krusty: No, the recycling plant turned us away. So did the landfills.
Krusty: But I do own the largest floating garbage island in the Pacific! Speaking of which, do you have time to talk about an AMAZING timeshare opportunity?
Homer: Will there be free Krusty Burgers at the presentation?
Krusty: No, our margins are razor thin after those people sued us for finding razors in their food.
Moe: Move outta my way, I gotta get to Krusty Burger and get this disgusting healthy taste out of my mouth!
Comic Book Guy: Me too! Low-Fat Lad is leaving a worse taste in my mouth than the latest Radioactive Man re-reboot: “The Multiverse of Meaninglessness”!
Moe: What the heck, there’s a huge line outside Krusty Burger! Krusty, you need to build more restaurants!
Krusty: I gotta cancel my plans to cancel my expansion plans!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP


Prize Track: Climbing Hamburger Hill

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 1:

Burns: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
Krusty: I get that this is an exclusive country club, but do you really need a live tiger guarding the door?
The Rich Texan: That killer kitty cat keeps the riff-raff out. You’d be surprised how many people come in here hat in hand asking for moolah.
Arthur Fortune: It makes me want to vomit, Krusty. You should see the pathetic look in their eyes when they’re about to debase themselves and beg for—
Arthur Fortune: Wait, why are you looking at us like that?
Krusty: You gotta help me, I’m begging you! I canceled my Krusty Burger expansion plans because I got scared off by Low-Fat Lad, but now everyone came crawling back to my deep-fried cash cow, but my financing fell through!
Krusty: Krusty Burger can’t keep up with demand, and I need an extra-large cash infusion!

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Krusty Try to Revive Krusty Burger Expansion – 4 hours
• Make Cayman Islands Banker Refuse to Fund Expansion – 4 hours
• Make Richies Invest in Their Own Fast Food Joints – x 3, 4 hours

Krusty: You won’t loan me the money to build more Krusty Burger restaurants?!
The Rich Texan: Nope! We’re gonna invest in our own fast food joints. Mine’s called Yee-Haw Hotdogs. I had my pistols retrofitted to shoot relish.
Arthur Fortune: I’m opening a Chinese buffet called Fortune Cookie Kitchen — we serve fortune cookies for the entree and give you kung pao chicken when the check comes.
Krusty: So none of you will finance me? Not even you, Cayman Island Banker guy? People love Krusty Burger now! This is a sure thing!
Cayman Island Banker: Sorry, I’m also opening a restaurant that serves fortune cookies.

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, Low-Fat Lad

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 2:

Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here for “Eye on Springfield” — although since we’re talking about fast food restaurants, maybe we should call it “Tongue on Springfield”.
Kent Brockman: We definitely can’t call it “Hands on Springfield” as I recently learned in a very educational HR meeting…
Kent Brockman: We’re here with some entrepreneurs who are starting up restaurants hoping that Springfielders are tired of waiting to get into Krusty Burger.
Kent Brockman: Tell us about your new fast food venture, Mr. Fortune.
Arthur Fortune: At Fortune Cookie Kitchen, we don’t use the term “fast food”. We prefer “quick cuisine,” or “swift sustenance,” or “expedited edibles”.
Arthur Fortune: Coincidentally, I’m having a huge sale on thesauruses at Fortune Megastores!
Kent Brockman: Thank you for the very useful information. And how about you, Mr. Burns?
Kent Brockman: What made you decide to serve exclusively plant-based hamburgers at your X-Cell-Ent Burger chain?
Burns: The animal rights protesters have become quite boring so I decided to see how far I could push the tree huggers. Sometimes I send them carrot peels in the mail for fun.
Jesse Grass: You’re a monster, Burns!
Kent Brockman: And even local schmo Homer Simpson is getting in on the action. How did you come to try your hand in the fast food biz?
Homer: Well Kent, I literally plunged my hand into a deep fryer on accident and the smell was to die for! After this Cayman Islands Banker guy got a whiff, he invested in Kentucky Fried Simpson!
Kent Brockman: Surely you don’t plan on deep-frying yourself and selling it to people?
Homer: I don’t?
Kent Brockman: And finally we have Dimwillie, CEO and spokesburger for Dimwillie’s.
Dimwillie: Aw shucks, gee whiz! I don’t know about all this fancy business talk. I just make hamburgers and hope people will like them.
Kent Brockman: Wow, a refreshingly simple and honest statement! You might go far in this town, Dimwillie—
Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, will you stop trying to eat your hand!
Homer: Sorry…

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Homer Be Confused About What “Fried Simpson” Is – 4 hours
• Make Burns Mess With the Tree Huggers – 4 hours
• Make Springfielders Flock to Dimwillie’s – x 5, 4 hours

Dimwillie: Golly gee, I sure am happy that people like eating my hamburgers. They’re simple like me!
Marge: The burgers are just okay, but who wouldn’t be won over by Dimwillie’s “aw shucks” earnestness?
Helen Lovejoy: I’ve always secretly suspected that Krusty is laughing at us and not with us.
Krusty: Who, me? Why would I laugh at a woman whose idea of a joke is saying “Won’t someone think of the children?”
Marge: I see what you mean, Helen.
Dimwillie: Aw now, don’t be cross at ol’ Krusty. Everything gets old when you don’t have any new material. Golly gee!
Homer: Haha! His jokes are staler than his hamburger buns!
Krusty: Everyone’s a comedian, huh? Well you realize this means war, Dimwillie.
Dimwillie: I hope so.
Krusty: What?
Dimwillie: Aw shucks, I didn’t say nothin’! I’m just a simple hamburger salesman. Here, have one.
Krusty: No thank you!
Krusty: Wait, is it free? Then I’ll take it — but I won’t like it.

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, Kentucky Fried Simpson

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 3:

Krusty: Will you guys please take another look at funding my Krusty Burger expansion plans?
Burns: Krusty, how did you get back into our club?!
Krusty: I distracted your guard tiger with a bucket of beef.
The Rich Texan: You fed him Krusty Burgers? That’s animal cruelty!
Krusty: Relax, I checked with a veterinarian and he said you can feed a tiger anything Grade C and above.
Krusty: So I got some beef from Dimwillie’s…
Dimwillie: Did someone say my name?
Krusty: What’s meathead doing here?
Burns: We love this guy.
Cayman Island Banker: Our money’s all in Dimwillie’s now.
Krusty: Okay, but can Dimwillie make you a star? I still have my own studio and a TV show, you know.
The Rich Texan: I could be on TV? That gives me some ideas…
Krusty: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can’t accept unsolicited ideas. Or solicited ones.
Krusty: But I’ll plaster your face on TV!

• Collect Condiments – x 125
• Make Krusty Use Stardom to Appeal to Rich Guy Egos – 4 hours
• Make The Rich Texan Envision Stardom – 4 hours
• Make Dimwillie Schmooze Rich Guys Even Harder – 4 hours

Krusty: Okay, Rich Texan, just stand here and when the director points to you, say your line: “Yee haw!”
The Rich Texan: I want to start in a oner and then pan over into a two-shot that tracks me down this hallway right as magic hour hits so the light’ll flare real nice on that there 55mm lens.
Krusty: Easy there, Alfred Half-cocked. This is a kid’s show filmed in a Cold War-era studio that’s mostly made of asbestos.
Sideshow Mel: Can we take our places? We’re going live in 3…2…1…
Krusty: Hey-hey, kids! Today we’ve got a very special guest who just LOVES eating at Krusty Burger. Isn’t that right, Rich Texan?
The Rich Texan: Yee…uh, I mean…Yee… uhhh…line?!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and building, X-Cell-Ent Burger

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 4:

The Rich Texan: I looked like a durn fool!
The Rich Texan: I haven’t froze up like that since I went ice fishing during a blizzard in my skivvies while drinkin’ a frozen daiquiri and then forgot what I was supposed to say!
Krusty: What a disaster. Now I’m in even worse shape than I was before…
Lenny: Hey look, it’s that moron from Krusty Burger who couldn’t remember his line!
Carl: Yeah, what a dope! Seeing him on TV really made me…uh…uh…
Krusty: Never want to go to Krusty Burger again?
Carl: No, it made me hungry! That guy was so…uh…
Krusty: Relatable?
Carl: Exactly. Two Krusty Burgers please!
Dimwillie: Hey, being dumb and relatable is my thing!
Krusty: Don’t worry, pal, there’s plenty of stupidity to go around.
Dimwillie: There’s only room for one moronic burger chain in this town…

• Collect Condiments – x 150
• Make Dimwillie Unleash Burger Army – 4 hours
• Make Krusty Cringe at the Carnage – 4 hours
• Make Springfielders Run for Cover – x 5, 4 hours

Krusty: I can’t believe you people are letting these burger soldiers force you to eat at Dimwillie’s.
Carl: Yeah, it is kinda weird that an army of burger people are threatening us… Wait a minute, is this a Halloween update?
Lenny: It must be! I love when things are non-canonical. Hey, watch — I’m gonna smash my arm though this window and nothing’s gonna happen!
Lenny: Look, just a bunch of ketchup pouring out of my arm and me getting all woozy. Happy Halloweeee…
Lisa: Um, we should probably call 911. There’s a lot of “ketchup” coming out of his arm…
Carl: Aw, don’t worry, he fell into the condiments station. The Dimwillie’s special sauce stopped the bleeding.
Krusty: Great, now his burgers save lives, too?!

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and bundle, Wrecked Krusty Burger skin and Burger Soldiers decoration
Buy More: Burger Soldiers cost 20 Donuts

Climbing Hamburger Hill, part 5:

Bart: I don’t know why everyone’s so bent outta shape — I love martial law! Whenever I get caught after curfew, they sentence me to two hours hard flavor at Dimwillie’s.
Lisa: Well I hate it, Dimwillie’s doesn’t even have a vegetarian option. I asked for vegetable soup and they gave me a cup of Dimwillie’s Special Sauce!
Homer: Oooh, a milkshake!
Lisa: Dad, it’s not a—
Homer: I love this familiar flavor. *drinks more*
Lisa: Something weird is going on around here…
Krusty: You mean weirder than an army of burger-people taking over our town and making people eat here at Dimwillie’s?
Bart: Krusty, what are you doing in here? Did the burger soldiers force you to come?
Krusty: No, I’m just hiding out to avoid my creditors. Looks like Dimwillie has won the burger wars.
Dimwillie: Well, “golly gee”, Krusty. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.
Dimwillie: Looks like my brand of simple folksiness and the lowest prices in town have put me on top.
Lisa: How does he keep the prices so low…
Lisa: Not so fast, Dimwillie!

• Collect Condiments – x 200
• Make Dimwillie Force Springfielders to Eat His Burgers – 4 hours
• Make Krusty Prepare to Surrender the Burger Wars – 4 hours
• Make Lisa Investigate Dimwillie’s Special Sauce – 4 hours
• Make Bart Investigate Dimwillie’s Special Sauce – 4 hours

Frink: Yep, Dimwillie’s special sauce is 100% identical to Krusty’s!
Dimwillie: You can’t prove that!
Frink: I believe I just did, with the beakers and the bunsen burners and the comparing of the listed ingredients.
Dimwillie: It was the perfect crime. But how did you figure it out?
Lisa: The first clue was when your special sauce stopped the bleeding on Lenny’s arm.
Lisa: I knew Krusty would be so cheap as to mix in sawdust to stretch the sauce, which clotted on Lenny’s arm.
Krusty: It’s true!
Bart: And then our dad chugged it down and said it tasted familiar. This is a man who has ingested gallons of Krusty Sauce in his life.
Lisa: And finally, we saw your army of burger soldiers painstakingly squeezing hundreds of Krusty Sauce packets into Dimwillie’s buckets.
Dimwillie: Ugh. This is what happens when you employ literal hamburgers to do your dirty work.
Krusty: And now I’m finally gonna run you out of town!
Dimwillie: Oh, yeah? You and what army?
Blue Haired Lawyer: That would be me and my army of fellow trial lawyers.
Dimwillie: Golly gee…

Reward: 100 $$s, 10 XP and skin, Fast Food Grampa


Outro: Victory With a Side of Fries

Krusty: So you see, Your Honor, that burger-headed bozo is responsible for an entire city’s pain and suffering, and also ripping off my special sauce!
Judge Snyder: Pipe down, Krusty. I’m considering charging you as an accessory to the crime for serving that sauce!
Marge: Wow, this is really intense. Here, Lisa, I brought you a Low-Fat Lad yogurt.
Lisa: Uh, thanks, Mom, but are we supposed to even have food in the courtroom?
Dimwillie: Oh golly, oh gosh, Judge, don’t be too hard on ol’ Krusty. He’s just a little confused — just like I was confused when I was ordering special sauce.
Krusty: And when you ordered an army of burger men to take over the town!
Judge Snyder: Order in the court! Another outburst like that Krusty and I’ll have the burger soldiers take you outside!
Marge: This is quite the show. I should’ve brought popcorn!
Lisa: You can have the rest of this Low-Fat Lad Yogurt, it tastes terrible…

• Make Krusty Embarrass Himself in Court – 4 hours
• Make the Blue Haired Lawyer Object to His Client – 4 hours
• Make Dimwillie Charm the Jury – 4 hours
• Make Lisa Wonder What’s Up With Low-Fat Lad Yogurt – 4 hours

Judge Snyder: You’re fortunate the jury decided to go easy on you, Mr. Dimwillie. Try not to try to take over the city again.
Dimwillie: Oh, gee whiz, Your Honor, I sure won’t do that again! Heh heh heh…
Krusty: But what about him stealing my special sauce? He’s ruining my reputation!
Judge Snyder: If anything, he’s bolstering your reputation — people actually liked it when it was on his burgers! Court is adjourned!
Krusty: Well, that stinks!
Lisa: And so does this Low-Fat Lad yogurt!
Krusty: Lemme try that. *tastes yogurt*
Krusty: Hey, this is also made of my special sauce!
Krusty: Which means I can file a new lawsuit! Windfall, here I come!
Laird Ladd: Your special sauce is ketchup mixed with mayo, you can’t sue someone for that!

Reward: 200 $$s, 20 XP


And that’s a wrap ( Mmmmmm, wrap !! ) for this mini event.
Back tomorrow to remind you it ends on Wednesday and then I think it’ll be a week off before the next update.


6 responses to “Food Wars: Dialog Recap

  1. Is anyone else finding that their game is crashing more today and taking longer to load back up when trying to get back in? It’s crashed, like, four or five times when trying to do my evening collection round and, as I said, taking much longer to load back up. I’m not seeing anything else especially weird and the game is still playable…it’s just taking longer than usual to do my evening collection.

    • I saw mentions the Part 4 Send Springfielders caused issue and noticed that my games seemed a little sluggish even when that was done.
      I’ve also seen a lot more of Bart these last few days on my old Kindle with the test town running, but that one never does any event act quests except the intro.
      Maybe it’s an EA thing or it’s all coinkidink …
      Meanwhile it’s past 3 am here and my insane habit of buying returning or prize stuff on the last day looks like a daft idea agin …PANIC !!

    • … remember the old days when an update hit after it was live and you tried to tap, or another new game came out, and if you got past Bart it was a win in it’s own right ?!?

    • justinmwat151

      Yes! Last night it took forever to clear my town. Was wondering if it was just me.

    • Mine been crashing this evening and I haven’t been able to get on with my iPad but my android phone game loads fine.

  2. Thanks for the recap. I loved this mini-event, especially after the lackluster event (to me) that preceded it. I look forward to the future events.

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