The Van Houtens Act 3 Premium Questline: Milford and Secretary Van Houten

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

Everything’s coming up Milhouse!  Last year we had The Flanders’s this year we have the Van Houtens!

Act 3 of this multi-event ushered in one new premium character to help navigate this event, and one new Gil Deal Premium character, that doesn’t help with this event.  Milhoose is an all-new premium character for Springfield, who not only helps earn event currency (throughout the entire event) but also comes with a short questline. And Secretary Van Houten does not help earn event currency, but he does come with a fun questline.

So let’s take a look at the full dialogue for both A Squopping Good Time and Damage Control

First up, Milford…

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 1
Milford starts

Milford Van Houten: What in tarnation — where am I?
CBG: Oh, great. Another one-off character digitally immortalized. What’s worse than tertiary? Quaternary?
Milford Van Houten: What sort of bafflegab are you muttering, mountain boy?
CBG: You are in Springfield. You’ve been summoned here by the Sky Finger.
Milford Van Houten: Sky Finger? Bah! More humbuggery.
CBG: Worst catchphrase ever.
Milford Van Houten: And you are the proprietor of this here establishment? Which sells…sheets of confusing daguerreotypes?
CBG: They’re comic books.
Milford Van Houten: I’ve seen enough. Before I go, Comic Book Man—
CBG: Guy.
Milford Van Houten: —would you be so kind as to point me towards the nearest railroad?
CBG: Oh, the monorail? That’s uh… *looking around* …I swear I’ve seen it somewhere.
Make Milford Van Houten Look for the Nearest Railroad– 4hrs

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 2
Milford starts

Milford Van Houten: Excuse me, miss, might I trouble you for some assistance?
Lisa: Milhouse? What’s with the old-timey getup?
Milford Van Houten: *gasp* Oh my stars and stripes, it’s an angel! This must be heaven!
Lisa: You need to work on your material, Milhouse. You’ve used the angel line before.
Milford Van Houten: And just what is a “Milhouse”?
Lisa: Wait, so you’re not Milhouse? If you’re going for the Milhouse look…you should really go for something else. By the way, I’m Lisa Simpson.
Make Milford Van Houten Be Both Shocked and Disgusted- 8hrs
Milford Van Houten: Simpson?! Of the Melbourne Simpsons?
Lisa: Well, I did have some ancestors from Australia, like Eliza Simpson. But they were kicked out of Australia…that country founded by kicked-out people.
Milford Van Houten: Well I’ll be. You’re related to Eliza Simpson?
Lisa: She was my great-great-great grandaunt. Did you know her?
Milford Van Houten: She was the most terrible person I ever knew. Also, she was my wife.
Lisa: Wife? Wait, are you Milford? Milford Van Houten?
Milford Van Houten: Indeed I am. But I shan’t be seen in this incarnation with the likes of another Simpson!
Lisa: I know how you must feel about Eliza, but please let me show you that not all Simpsons are like that!
Milford Van Houten: Well, considering the only two people I know here are you and that Comic Book Man, you may proceed.

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 3
Milford starts

Lisa: This is the Springfield soup kitchen, where I volunteer to feed the homeless every week.
Milford Van Houten: You take time out of your day to prepare a home-cooked meal for them?
Lisa: Well, someone else cooks it. I…put it on their plate for them.
Milford Van Houten: So basically, you’re just a glorified handler. Noble. Yes, very noble indeed.
Lisa: No, you don’t understand! I do a lot more than that!
Milford Van Houten: I believe I’ve seen all I need to see. It’s clear to me now that all Simpsons are just full of horsefeathers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to spend eternity reading under that sarsaparilla tree.
Make Milford Van Houten Read Under the Sarsaparilla Tree- 8hrs

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 4
Milford starts

Lisa: Milford is out there thinking that I’m just as bad as Eliza. How can I convince him I’m a good person? Think, Lisa, think… Oh, I’ve got it!  Hi, Milford. Whatcha reading?
Milford Van Houten: If you must know, it’s sheets of confusing daguerreotypes called “How To Stay Married To A Double Crossin’ Wench”.
Lisa: Well, seeing as how you enjoy books so much, I thought I might take you to the Springfield Library.
Milford Van Houten: I suppose I could get my affairs in order to secure a borrowing rights card. Do they take three-cent nickels?
Make Milford Van Houten Go to the Springfield Library With Lisa- 4hrs
Make Lisa Take Milford to the Springfield Library- 4hrs

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 5
Milford starts

Lisa: Here we are, the Springfield Library!
Milford Van Houten: Why is your face all over this establishment?
Lisa: Oh, those? That’s just because I’ve donated so many books.
Milford Van Houten: You donated books to the library? Well I do declare, that is indeed a most honorable act of generosity.
Miss Hoover: Lisa, are you donating again?! You’ve already maxed out your extra credit for this month.
Milford Van Houten: Extra credit?
Miss Hoover: Yes, every time Lisa donates a book to the library, she earns extra credit in school.
Milford Van Houten: I see. So, Lisa, donating these books wasn’t about improving the library. It was only about improving your school evaluation. Every word out of your mouth is just plain applesauce.
Lisa: No, it was about both! It’s a win-win, don’t you see?
Milford Van Houten: I do believe we’re done here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play Tiddlywinks.
Make Milford Van Houten Excuse Himself- 4hrs

A Squopping Good Time Pt. 6
Milford starts

Lisa: Did you say Tiddlywinks? I love that game! We play it at home, although ours is called Tiddlywonks. My Dad bought a discount knock-off brand.
Milford Van Houten: You play Tiddlywinks?
Lisa: Well, Tiddlywonks. I’m not very good at it, but I still enjoy it, nonetheless.
Milford Van Houten: Well, mayhap we could play a round or two.
Make Milford Van Houten Play Tiddlywinks– 4hrs
Make Lisa Play Tiddlywinks With Milford Van Houten– 4hrs
Milford Van Houten: I must admit, you are quite talented at squopping!
Lisa: *giggles* Yes, I’m not very good at potting, so I have to play defensively.
Milford Van Houten: You know, I may have judged you a bit prematurely, Lisa. It appears you’re not just full of fiddle-faddle. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’d like you to stay for a spell.

From the past to the future…Secretary Van Houten…

Damage Control Pt. 1
Secretary Van Houten

Secretary Van Houten: Madam President, the latest approval numbers are in.
President Lisa: You don’t have to keep calling me Madam President. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers.
Secretary Van Houten: Perhaps not as long ago as we’d like to admit.
President Lisa: Really?
Secretary Van Houten: Anyway, about your approval rating — it’s twice as high as any president in the last thirty-five years. A whopping 51%!
President Lisa: I’m glad to hear it. Though, it’s concerning that so few Americans have been satisfied with their president in such a long time.
Secretary Van Houten: Well, the rise of the Civil Unrest Party caused the Global Dominators to kill off the New Feudalists and opened the door for the We the Party People party.
President Lisa: I’m well aware of our nation’s history, Milhouse. Now, was there anything else?
Secretary Van Houten: I was thinking you might want to show your gratitude with an address to the nation.
President Lisa: Good idea. Let’s fit it in between golfing with the Sino-Soviet trade delegation and parasailing with the ambassador to the Magic Kingdom.
Make Secretary Van Houten Prepare Lisa’s Speech- 4hrs
Make President Lisa Prepare for Her Speech- 4hrs

Damage Control Pt. 2
Secretary Van Houten

Man In Tan: Secretary Van Houten. May I have a moment?
Secretary Van Houten: Who are you?
Man In Tan: A nameless lackey with ties to the deep state.
Secretary Van Houten: But the deep state doesn’t exist.
Man In Tan: And if you want to keep it that way, you’ll listen to what I have to say. Our oppo research has revealed that you have a thing for the president.
Secretary Van Houten: What — No! Who told you that?
Man In Tan: Relax, I’m only here to help. Now, here’s the proposition…
Make Secretary Van Houten Listen to the Proposition- 4hrs
Secretary Van Houten: You really think that would work?
Man In Tan: Absolutely. My source has assured me that the president is extremely fond of public displays of affection during nationally televised speeches.
Secretary Van Houten: That seems like an awfully specific piece of intelligence. Who is your source?
Man In Tan: I could tell you that, but then I’d have to kill you.
Secretary Van Houten: Oh, God please no, don’t tell me, don’t tell me!
Man In Tan: Uh…that was just an expression. Anyway, we just want to see the president “happy”.
Secretary Van Houten: Well, when you put it in oddly menacing quotation marks…it sounds like a great idea!

Damage Control Pt. 3
Secretary Van Houten

President Lisa: My fellow Americans, you honor me and my administration with your historic high marks and praise. I’d like to particularly thank the donors who gave the maximum amount below what is required for public disclosure.
Secretary Van Houten: Madam President, we have a situation.
President Lisa: Not now, Milhouse, can’t you see I’m in the middle of a speech?
Secretary Van Houten: Exactly. *lifts boombox over his head* President Lisa, I love you. Will you marry me?
President Lisa: Are you insane?
Secretary Van Houten: Is that a yes?!
President Lisa: Ugh, it’s a hard no! Not in a million years! Ahem. Apologies for the interruption. Now where was I? Oh yes, when I took over the presidency, America was a global embarrassment. I felt that pain then, and I REALLY feel it right now…
Make Secretary Van Houten Wallow in Shame- 4hrs
Make President Lisa Be Embarrassed- 4hrs
President Lisa: Milhouse! What has gotten into you? How could you embarrass me like that on national television?
Secretary Van Houten: I’m sorry, Lisa. I got some bad intel. What can I do to help?
President Lisa: Call a cabinet meeting. I need the Secretary of Social Media and the Deputy Director for Trending Hashtags to advise me on #omgshebmean.

Damage Control Pt. 4
Secretary Van Houten

Secretary Van Houten: Walking briskly down long hallways in the West Wing is the perfect place to think…I need to do something. I got Lisa into this situation, so it’s up to me to bail her out… I’ve got it!
Make Secretary Van Houten Twirl His Sign- 8hrs
Secretary Van Houten: It’s no use. This sign twirling gets less attention than climate change. Hey you! You’re the guy who told me to propose to Lisa on camera!
Man In Tan: Easy there, guy. I never told you to propose. Although it was absolutely hilarious the way she turned you down. I haven’t laughed that hard since the day we shot that Go-Go Ray at Skinner.
Secretary Van Houten: Bart?! Is that you?
Moocher Bart: Took ya long enough to guess. You’re more gullible than CIA Director Ralph Wiggum.
Secretary Van Houten: How could you do that to me? I humiliated myself in front of the whole country.
Moocher Bart: More importantly, you humiliated Lisa. I just needed her taken down a peg. Mom’s been going on and on about her since those approval ratings came in. I couldn’t get her to make me a quesadilla last night. She wanted ME to do it so she could watch Lisa’s stupid speech. Can you believe that?

Damage Control Pt. 5
Secretary Van Houten

President Lisa: You put Milhouse up to this? Bart, do you understand the ramifications of what you’ve done?!
Moocher Bart: Relax, Lis. This’ll all blow over by the next news cycle. Which is in three…two…one…
Secretary Van Houten: *panting* Lisa…you’re not…going to…believe it…
President Lisa: What now?
Secretary Van Houten: Your approval rating…shot up…to 78%!
President Lisa: That’s higher than the day President Gaga pushed Jeff Zuckerberg out of Air Force One. How is that possible?
Moocher Bart: Probably because you turned down a lame-o like Milhouse.
Secretary Van Houten: It’s true! All of the pundits attribute your approval increase to everyone’s disapproval of me! Isn’t that great? I fixed it!
So, since your approval rating is now the highest in history, how about a kiss?
President Lisa: Well, we wouldn’t want to upset the voters, would we, Milhouse?
Secretary Van Houten: Uh, right. Okay. I’ll just go sit in the Situation Room and listen to the rest of that song on my boombox.
Make Secretary Van Houten Listen to His Boombox- 4hrs

And that’s it my friends, the Act 3 premium dialogue.

Thoughts on Act 3 of the event?  Did you buy Milford? Secretary Van Houten?   Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!

3 responses to “The Van Houtens Act 3 Premium Questline: Milford and Secretary Van Houten

  1. One point Australia was not founded by kicked out people. It was founded by aborigines well over 50000 yrs ago and is one of the oldest civilisations on this planet. It was colonised brutally by the British as a penal colony.

  2. Alright! A shout out to my hometown! Melbourne Australia!!

  3. The only thing that would have made both characters better is if they were voiced (but even Milhouse Van Houten isn’t voiced in TSTO), yet I was nice enough to send EA a thanks for two fun Questlines with two fun new Characters ….. ok, late but going to have a moment of silence in the name of Tom Seaver (RIP) 🕊️

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