New Year New You Prize Guide: Tab Spangler

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

The holidays are over in our pocket-sized towns and it’s time to kick off those New Year’s Resolutions

Remember, this event is designed to follow a series of tasks via the questline to unlock prizes.  For each of the parts of the Survival of the Wellest questline, you’ll have to earn  via various character tasks in order to unlock the prize for that part.

So let’s take a look at the final prize of this mini-event, a full character, Tab Spangler…

Tab Spangler is a  brand new character for Springfield and part of the New Year New You Character Collection:

How You Unlock it:
Survival of the Wellest Pt. 5
Make Homer Put Together a Training Montage- 4hrs
Make Gluttons Train in a Training Montage-x3. 4hrs
Collect Dumbbells- x 125

Once achieved you’ll unlock Tab…

Other Info:
Voiced?: No
“The Heartbroke Kid”, S16, E17

Tab does come with a full questline, here’s a look at that questline:

Motivation to the Masses Pt. 1
Tab Spangler starts

Tab Spangler: My test run of Serenity Ranch’s new approach was a total success if I do say so myself. But I wish I knew how to get the word out to the massive masses…
Kirk: Want some business advice from a guy who’s never run a business?
Tab Spangler: No. Is there anyone smarter around or more qualified? Like, uh, Rich Texan or Hank Scorpio?
Kirk: Okay, fine. I’ll go and get them…Here’s Rich Texan and Hank Scorpio.
The Rich Texan: *fires gun* Marketing your weight loss technique is way too expensive.
Hank Scorpio: Yeah, what you need to do is bring your brand directly to the people. The fat people!
Tab Spangler: I know just what to do…
Hank Scorpio: Is it something evil?! Because I LOVE evil businesses!
Make Tab Spangler Contemplate Promotion Ideas- 2hrs
Make Hank Scorpio Coach Tab Spangler- 2hrs
Make Rich Texan Coach Tab Spangler- 2hrs
Tab Spangler: Thanks for that swell advice, team! Now that I’m an insult comic, I can make fun of every Springfielder that’s out of shape!
Hank Scorpio: You ARE evil! My advice was more about how you could become a motivational speaker for your brand…but insult comic?! That’s crazy!
The Rich Texan: Let’s see it, insult comic. Insult me now! Roast me like a Thanksgiving Turkey!
Tab Spangler: Oil men are a thing of the past. Solar power is the future!
The Rich Texan: That wasn’t an insult… You think I don’t know about green energy? I keep a diverse portfolio! *fires guns*
Tab Spangler: Hmm, I guess I do need to work on my insulting.
Hank Scorpio: You just need someone better to practice on. How ’bout Kirk?!
Kirk: I don’t know… I don’t really like getting my feelings hurt.
Tab Spangler: Hey look! It’s the guy who drives a Prius but paid the $100 deposit on a Tesla just so he can pretend to be one of the “cool” dads.
Kirk: *crying* I’m going to get that Cybertruck, you just wait!
Hank Scorpio: That was more mean than funny. Maybe you should stick to motivational speaking.
Tab Spangler: You’re probably right, Hank Scorpio.

Motivation to the Masses Pt. 2
Tab Spangler starts

Tab Spangler: I’d like to thank you for letting me invite myself to speak here at the Springfield Comic-Anime-Biker Con!
Database: Who is this dude?
Tab Spangler: Folks, let’s be honest: you all are a sad lot. Woefully weak, out of shape, and all-around underperformers.
Comic Book Guy: I’m trying to get in shape with all my kung fu!
Tab Spangler: But it doesn’t have to be that way! You have it in you to be your OWN superhero, and I can help you do it.
Ramrod: It’s a fair point. The Caped Crusader turned himself into the most feared champion of justice through hard work and discipline.
Comic Book Guy: Give me a break! In real life no one could master kung fu, crime solving, and parallel parking in that short a time! Trust me! I’ve tried!
Make Tab Spangler Fail to Regain Nerds’ Attention- 3hrs
Make Nerds Argue With Bikers About Comic Books- 3hrs
Cosine Tangent: …and THAT is why it is totally possible to perform an emergency tracheotomy while fighting ninjas with a broken skateboard!
Comic Book Guy: The only thing more ludicrous than your argument is how much you paid for that ironic Cthulhu 2020 t-shirt.
Cosine Tangent: It’s not ironic! I wrote Cthulhu in when I voted!
Tab Spangler: I feel like I lost them.
Squeaky Voice Attendant: It happens. That’ll be forty-five dollars, by the way.
Tab Spangler: What? I’m a volunteer speaker!
Squeaky Voice Attendant: Yeah, plus we don’t validate parking.

Motivation to the Masses Pt. 3
Tab Spangler starts

Number 1: Okay, Number 908, who’d you line up to speak at this month’s Stonecutters meeting?
Homer: Uh, well, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, but I found this guy trying to get people to listen to him outside the Sprawl-Mart.
Number 1: I’m not impressed, 908, but I guess it’s too late now. May as well let him talk while Number 50 figures out how to tap the keg.
Wiggum: Almost got it!
Tab Spangler: I’m Tab Spangler, here to help you all unleash your inner potential and achieve all your dreams…
Number 1: I’m skeptical but listening.
Make Tab Spangler Motivate the Stonecutters- 4hrs
Make Number 1 Get Motivated- 4hrs
Number 1: That was more impressive than I expected. Next month’s Stonecutters retreat shall be at Serenity Ranch!
Tab Spangler: Really? Finally I’ll make some money!
Number 1: How? We’re the Stonecutters. We don’t actually pay for anything.
Tab Spangler: What? Why would I do that?
Number 1: Well, we can make you a temporary honorary Stonecutter.
Tab Spangler: What does that get me?
Arnie Pye: We’ll validate your parking for tonight.

Motivation to the Masses Pt. 4
Tab Spangler starts

Tab Spangler: *sigh* I can’t believe it’s come to this…
Skinner: Listen up students, Sideshow Raheem cancelled at the last minute, so today’s assembly will feature motivational speaker Todd Springer.
Milhouse: Aw, man! I was looking forward to Sideshow Raheem layin’ down some hard truths.
Tab Spangler: Look kids, the bottom line is you can’t succeed in life without motivation, and I got bills to pay at Serenity Ranch…So get your parents to check in this weekend and you’ll get into a good school…or something… I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
Lisa: I can’t tell if this is a performance art piece or he’s just losing it.
Bart: Anyway, everyone knows the only way to motivate kids is through abject bribery.
Nelson: Yeah! What do we get out of this deal? Some candy? A carton of cigarettes? Ramen? Cash?
Database: I can accept credit card payments via my new phone app.
Make Tab Spangler Break Down and Give Up- 5hrs
Make Kids Make Demands- x5. 5hrs

Motivation to the Masses Pt. 5
Tab Spangler starts

Tab Spangler: Ah, what’s the use? I was a fool to think I could succeed with a business that tries to improve people in this town!
Sideshow Raheem: I hear ya, brother. People keep inviting me to their places to speak, and I get tired of running back and forth all over town.
Tab Spangler: Wait, people actually want to hear you speak?
Sideshow Raheem: Oh yeah. Makes ‘em feel “woke”. And people like it when I scare their kids into submission. I don’t dig it myself, but it pays the bills.
Tab Spangler: What if all these people came to you instead of you having to go to them?
Sideshow Raheem: Then I’d be living the dream, man. But what kind of crazy talk is that?
Tab Spangler: The kind that just might work…
Make Tab Spangler Promote New Business Model- 4hrs
Make Sideshow Raheem Cash In- 4hrs
Tab Spangler: Welcome, everyone, to the new Serenity Ranch Woke and Wellness Center! Corporate retreats are our specialty.
Hank Scorpio: Brilliant idea, Tab! Not evil, kind of the opposite of evil…but brilliant!
The Rich Texan: Yeah, this ranch reminds of the ranch I grew up on! Any oil on it, by chance?
Tab Spangler: Thanks for all the advice guys. Now, the retreat costs $10,000 per person.
Hank Scorpio: What? All my funds are tied up in the bond market and the killing James Bont market, so—
Sideshow Raheem: You two weren’t thinking of not paying, were you?
The Rich Texan: Uh, do you take oil leases?

Tab Spangler’s Permanent Tasks:

Task Length Earns Location
Oil the Chubby Chaser Chariot 1hr $70, 17xp Chubby Chaser Chariot/Serenity Ranch
Motivate the Masses 4hrs $175, 45xp Outside/Visual
Go for a Brisk Workout 8hrs $275, 70xp Outside/Visual
Come Up With New Motivational Ideas 12hrs $420, 100xp Serenity Ranch
Try to Relax 24hrs $600, 150xp Serenity Ranch

And that’s it my friends, the details on Tab Spangler…our very own fitness Guru in Springfield.  I’m into fitness…fit’ness Taco in my mouth…

Up Next? Nada.  You’ve completed the New Year New You mini-event.  Nothing to do now but sit back and design!  Don’t forget Springfield Showoff next week!

Thoughts on Tab Spangler? Questline?  Tasks? Event? Sound off below.

One response to “New Year New You Prize Guide: Tab Spangler

  1. The Heartbroke Kid is still a solid Episode of The Simpsons. The only thing that would have made this Prize better? Is if Albert Brooks was paid to voice it (we all know this is not going to happen, so read the Character Dialogue and pretend it’s Albert Brooks speaking – then it really funny!)

    New Character, Funny Visual Tasks (plenty of thanks to EA for that!) 😀👍🏻

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