Into the Simpsonsverse Act 2 Full Dialogue: The Royal Maltreatment

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 3 of the Into the Simpsonsverse event to start on Sunday, it’s time to wrap up Act 2 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for The Royal Maltreatment…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

The Royal Maltreatment Pt. 1
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Noir Homer: What the? Who in the Sam Spade are you?
Princess Homer: Princess Homer, at your service.
Noir Homer: You’re a wide drink of water, alright, but I reversed the portal to take us back to the ‘30s. Why is it spitting out dames?
Princess Homer: You didn’t reverse anything. You’ve opened up a portal to the Fantasy Universe.
Noir Homer: The Fantasy Universe? What does that mean?
Homer: Hmm. If you’ve opened up a portal to the Fantasy Universe, and this lady says she’s a princess…Oh, no! Quick, you’ve gotta stop her. Maggie made me watch a ton of these and I know what’s coming next.
Noir Homer: Some sort of dangerous fantasy attack?
Homer: Worse. A musical number!
Princess Homer: And a one, and a two, and a…
Make Homer Plug His Ears-4hrs
Make Noir Homer Be Confused and Horrified- 4hrs
Collect Tiaras-
x115. 4hrs.
Homer: Stop singing! Princess movies always have some villainess who shows up like a skunk at a wedding as soon as the princess starts singing about her hopes and dreams. Some mean rich lady with a name like Evil-lyn or Cruelerina or Villaina that sounds fancy and years later you realize was sort of a joke.
Princess Homer: I beg your pardon?
Evil Godmother Burns: A pardon? I like the begging, but no, I don’t think I’ll be granting any pardons today. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever granted a pardon, and I’d hate to spoil my perfect record.
Noir Homer: Great, another princess.
Evil Godmother Burns: Aren’t you a charmer? Yes, long ago they called me “princess”, but these days I’m going for more of an evil godmother vibe.  My new thing is world domination.
Homer: Which world?
Evil Godmother Burns: I’m sorry?
Homer: Well, you just came through the portal. So do you plan to dominate this world or the world you came from?
Evil Godmother Burns: Good point. Let me back up a moment… *clears throat* And as I was saying, my new thing is UNIVERSE domination.
Homer: *gasp*
Noir Homer: You had to ask.

The Royal Maltreatment Pt. 2
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Noir Homer: Look, lady. I don’t know what your deal is, but no one’s achieving world domination or universe domination or multi-verse domination on my watch. *cocks gun*
Evil Godmother Burns: Ooh, multi-verse domination. I hadn’t thought of that.
Homer: See? It’s not so easy to not accidentally mention new types of domination, now is it?
Evil Godmother Burns: Say, you gentlemen look like you’ve had a long day. Who would care for some refreshments?
Homer: Ooh, refreshments!
Noir Homer: Don’t be a sap, Nowadays Homer. She’s a no good moll and she’s liable to slip us a mickey.
Homer: Excuse me, but who’s the expert of this time period again? That’s right, it’s me. Now, you were saying about refreshments?
Evil Godmother Burns: I just so happen to have three ice-cold, frothy ales in a glass. Care to have a taste?
Princess Homer: *pushes Homer out of the way* Me first, me first!
Homer: Me second!
Noir Homer: I may be a street-smart Noir Homer, but I’m still a Homer. *narrating* And that was the last thing I remember saying before the lights went out.
Evil Godmother Burns: Adequate.
Make Homer Drink Poison Beer-4hrs
Make Noir Homer Partake-4hrs
Make Evil Godmother Burns Poison Everyone- 4hrs
Collect Tiaras-
x155. 4hrs.
Noir Homer: Hey, I don’t feel so good.
Princess Homer: Yeah, there’s something fishy about these beers.
Homer: Tastes fine to me. Oh, wait — okay yeah there it is — yep, it’s poison.
Evil Godmother Burns: If this is the best this universe has to offer, I shall make short work of this place. Now, if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I have a multi-verse domination plot to write.
Homer: Before you go, can I get a refill? *passes out*

The Royal Maltreatment Pt. 3
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Noir Homer: *slowly waking up* Ugh, what time is it? How long have we been out?
Princess Homer: Ugh, my head is killing me. I think I left some painkillers in my pumpkin carriage — which is missing! My pumpkin carriage is gone!
Homer: That saint of a Godmother must have taken it to get us more beer! I like her.
Noir Homer: No, you idiot, she poisoned us so she could steal it and get away.
Princess Homer: What’s this? There’s a trail of pumpkin seeds leading that direction. I bet if we follow them, they’ll lead us right to her.
Noir Homer: Not if Homer keeps eating them.
Homer: What? I like a salty snack to help cure my hangovers.
Make Noir Homer Chase Down the Evil Godmother-4hrs
Make Homer Take a Few Pumpkin Seeds for the Road-4hrs
Collect Tiaras-
x115. 4hrs.
Noir Homer: I don’t even know where we are anymore. Does anyone recognize this part of town?
Homer: Nope.
Princess Homer: I’ve never been to this town before.
Homer: So…is that a no?
Princess Homer: It does seem like the portal is bringing in more magical creatures from my fantasy universe. See, there’s a unicorn over there!
Homer: That’s not a unicorn. That’s a horse with an ice cream cone stuck to its head. Look, I’ll show you. C’mere horsey…
Princess Homer: Homer, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Unicorns aren’t quite like what you’ve been led to be—
Homer: Oww!
Noir Homer: Oof, that looked like it hurt. That thing kicked the bejesus out of him.
Princess Homer:: It wasn’t an ice cream cone, was it?
Homer: Still undetermined.

The Royal Maltreatment Pt. 4
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Noir Homer: Hmm, the trail of pumpkin seeds stops here.
Princess Homer: Look, we’re in the Land of Fruits and Vegetables!
Princess Jules: Hey, stop eating our fruit!
Homer: Mmm…giant pineapples… Enormous strawberries…*gasp* Brussels sprouts!
Noir Homer: Please excuse him miss. We’re tracking an evil godmother that might have passed this way. She was driving a pumpkin carriage. Have you seen her?
Princess Jules: Yes, she came through here not more than an hour ago.
Princess Homer: She did?! Do you know where she went?
Princess Jules: She came here to the Land of Fruits and Vegetables to acquire some food. Said she needed enough to feed an army.
Noir Homer: An army? You know what that means.
Homer: She’s joining the military!
Noir Homer: What? No. She’s going back to the portal to summon her evil army to take over this world.
Homer: *gasp* That’s even worse!
Make Noir Homer Facepalm- 4hrs
Make Homer Grab Some Giant Grapes for the Road- 4hrs
Make Princess Jules Sic Her Unicorn on Homer- 4hrs
Collect Tiaras-
x155. 4hrs.

The Royal Maltreatment Pt. 5
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Princess Homer: We’re never going to make it back to the power plant before the evil godmother. She’s already got a head start on us!
Homer: You leave that to me. I know a shortcut! *opens cell phone* Hello, Number 1? I need you to open the secret boulder shortcut on I-99.
Number 1: Is this Homer Simpson? I thought I told you never to call this number.
Homer: Look, I don’t have time to argue with you, I’m on official police business.
Number 1: If I open the shortcut, will you stop calling me?
Homer: No, but I WILL stop texting you!
Number 1: Good enough. The shortcut has been opened.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Alright guys, buckle your seat belts, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
Noir Homer: What’s a “seat belt”?
Make Homer Text a “Thank You” to Number 1-4hrs
Make Noir Homer Try to Figure Out the Seat Belt-4hrs
Collect Tiaras-
x195. 4hrs.
Noir Homer: Phew, we made it, and just in time by the looks of it. I don’t see the evil godmother’s carriage.
Princess Homer: Uh, excuse me. That’s MY carriage.
Noir Homer: Technically it’s a huge pumpkin, so let’s not split hairs. We just need to get this portal shut down. I think I’ll play it safe this time and just unplug the whole thing. *unplugs the portal*
Princess Homer: Uh oh… Something’s wrong. It’s not shutting down.
Homer: Yeah… If anything, it’s powering up!
Princess Homer: Look! Someone’s coming through!
Anime Homer: Konnichiwa!
Homer: Hehe. Look, he looks just like me if I were an anime character.
Princess Homer: That means you must have opened a portal to the Anime Universe!
Noir Homer: For crying out loud. Does ANYBODY know how to turn this thing off?!

And that’s it my friends, the full dialogue for Act 2 of Into the Simpsonsverse!

Thoughts on Act 2? Dialogue? Where do you think the story will head in Act 3? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!


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