Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
In our games, the snow is falling and TSTO is calling yoo hoo! It’s the most wonderful time of the year Tappers, Christmas in TSTO!
Act 1 of this event ushered in one new premium character to help navigate this holiday whodunnit. The Park Ranger is an all-new premium character for Springfield, who will not only help earn event currency but also comes with a short questline.
So let’s take a look at the questline for the Park Ranger and the full dialogue for Raccoonpocalypse…
Raccoonpocalypse Pt. 1
Park Ranger starts
Park Ranger: Ah, another lovely day on Mt. Useful! Nature truly is amazing. *steps on a raccoon*
Christmas Raccoon: *screeches*
Park Ranger: Well, hello, little guy. I didn’t see you there. Oh, and it looks like you’ve brought a couple dozen friends.
The Rich Texan: *skis by* There is some great skiin’ in these parts. I think I might just have to buy this here mountain. *drops beer can* Wish it had more cleanin’ staff though.
Christmas Raccoon: *happy chittering noises*
Park Ranger: Hey, you can’t litter like that! It destroys the natural beauty and leads to overpopulation of scavenger species.
The Rich Texan: *skis off firing guns in the air*
Christmas Raccoon: *angry chittering noises*
Park Ranger: You know it’s true. Look at the swarm of your kin that just descended on that beer can.
Christmas Raccoon: *neutral chittering noises*
Park Ranger: I’ve got to find a way to get some of these raccoons out of here. They’re going to ruin the balance of the ecosystem.
Make Park Ranger Try to Lure Away Raccoons- 1hr
Park Ranger: Well, that wasn’t very effective.
Christmas Raccoon: *affirmative chittering noises*
Park Ranger: It doesn’t matter what I do….The skiers keep dropping so much food, that they’re turning the mountain into a Vegas buffet for raccoons!
Raccoonpocalypse Pt. 2
Park Ranger starts
Park Ranger: Ugh, the mountain is a mess. Stupid skiers! And don’t get me started on snowboarders!
Stupid Sexy Flanders: Now remember boys, this is God’s country. What does that mean?
Rod: That we can do whatever we want as long as we say “please” and “thank you” to God.
Stupid Sexy Flanders: Not quite. How about you, Todd?
Todd: We can do whatever we want, we just have to ask for God’s forgiveness afterward?
Stupid Sexy Flanders: Indeedily-doodily. So just drop that bag of trash and remember to pray away the sin. You won’t be able to save the heathens on this mountain if you’re spending all of your time looking for a trash can.
Todd: *drops trash* God is good!
Park Ranger: And…here comes the swarm of raccoons. It’s the skiers that are the real problem! If they weren’t here, the raccoons would wander off in search of other food. If only there wasn’t so much snow attracting the skiers. Hmm…
Make Park Ranger Melt Snow With Giant Magnifying Glass- 4hrs
Make Flanders Litter and Pray- 4hrs
Make Rod Litter and Pray- 4hrs
Make Todd Litter and Pray- 4hrs
Park Ranger: This magnifying glass isn’t working. It’s just setting things on fire. I’m going to end up burning the whole mountain down.
Stupid Sexy Flanders: Dear God in heaven, a fire!
Rod: Maybe we angered God by littering.
Todd: *prays frantically*
Stupid Sexy Flanders: No, that’s not how God works. If he was angry, he’d tell us through a burning bush. *bush lights on fire* Oh no, we’ve angered God! Run! I mean – ski!
Park Ranger: Well, it didn’t happen the way I intended, but I’ll take the win.
Raccoonpocalypse Pt. 3
Park Ranger starts
Lovejoy: And this is the site of the new burning bush. That’s why I chose to hold this week’s services on Mt. Useful.
Park Ranger: Oh no.
Lovejoy: This should become a pilgrimage site in no time, and you get to see it first.
Bart: What do I do with this trash?
Homer: If you can’t find a trash can, just toss it on the ground. It’s a park. They have people to clean things up.
Lisa: Dad, that’s a terrible attitude. What makes you think that’s okay?
Homer: It works at home.
Marge: *annoyed grumble*
Park Ranger: I think it’s time for you all to leave the park.
Homer: Pfft. Who made you boss?
Park Ranger: The Forest Service.
Homer: Pfft. Forest Service, Shmorest Shmervice. We’re just worshipping this shrub and practicing our religion, which is protected by the, uh – ya know, the – thing that protects that sort of thing. You can’t stop us.
Lovejoy: It’s a bush, and we’re not worshipping it…
Park Ranger: You’re right, I’m not going to stop you. They are. *tosses a handful of potato chips*
Lisa: Aww, what cute little raccoons coming out of the woods.
Homer: They’re attacking! Run!
Make Park Ranger Weaponize Raccoons- 4hrs
Make Homer Run for his Life- 4hrs
Make Bart Run for his Life- 4hrs
Make Lisa Run for her Life- 4hrs
Make Marge Run for her Life- 4hrs
Make Lovejoy Run for his Life- 4hrs
Park Ranger: Well, that seems to have done the trick. With all of the warnings about rabid raccoons, tourism on the mountain is way down and the raccoon population has returned to normal.
Christmas Raccoon: *annoyed chittering noises*
Park Ranger: I know you and your friends aren’t rabid, but it’s not a point worth arguing. I’m taking the win.
And that’s it my friends, the Park Ranger’s premium dialogue.
Thoughts on the event? Did you buy the Park Ranger? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!