Holiday Whodunnit Act 2 Full Dialogue: No Business Like Snow Business

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Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 3 of the Holiday Whodunnit event to start on Sunday the 26th, it’s time to wrap up Act 2 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for No Business Like Snow Business…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

No Business Like Snow Business Pt. 1
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Marge: Now what do we do? We have no evidence, and no suspects.
Wiggum: I have one. *furrows brow* Mr. Snake Jailbird.
Lisa: You’re just profiling him for all his crimes in the past…
Wiggum: What about…Hank Scorpio?
Lisa: I don’t know, he’s on the run in Belize. Plus, he’s a crypto billionaire now — why would he do this?
Wiggum: Fat Tony?
Lisa: Fat Tony loves all things Christmas. He hands out turkeys from his trucks. It’s his favorite holiday.
Herb Tannenbaum: Well, while we think of other people to point fingers at, I could go for a bite to eat.
Lisa: I know of a few good vegetarian places.
Herb Tannenbaum: How about Krusty Burger? I’m in the mood for a nice beefy burger.
Lisa: You…eat meat?
Herb Tannenbaum: Living off chlorophyll sucks — it doesn’t even scratch the surface of the food pyramid. I mean, what category would you put “sun” in anyway?
Lisa: You’re a weird tree, Herb.
Herb Tannenbaum: So, burgers?
Lisa: Sure, they have a good meatless burger now!
Marge: Let’s do it!
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Lisa Go to Krusty Burger – 4hrs
Make Herb Tannenbaum Go to Krusty Burger – 4hrs
Make Marge Go to Krusty Burger – 4hrs
Collect Magnifying Glasses- x150. 4hrs.
Krusty: Get those decorations up! I need Krusty Burger decked out in full Christmas style!
Lisa: Krusty, aren’t you Jewish?
Krusty: Christmas decorations are how you make money. Take a business class, kid.
Mary Tannenbaum: Excuse me, are you the little girl who’s investigating the attack on Santa?
Herb Tannenbaum: Am I invisible? Does no one see me here?
Lisa: Yes, that’s me. I’m Lisa Simpson.
Mary Tannenbaum: Excellent, you stand right there while I film some B-roll.
Marge: Why are you filming my daughter? Don’t we need to sign something first?
Mary Tannenbaum: Are you the mother?
Marge: Well, yes.
Mary Tannenbaum: Even better! A mother-daughter crime-solving duo! That’s perfect!
Lisa: Perfect for what?
Mary Tannenbaum: My true crime TV show!
Lisa: Whoa…that’s so cool! Did your show start out as a podcast?
Mary Tannenbaum:It’s the only way to get on TV these days.

No Business Like Snow Business Pt. 2
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Mary Tannenbaum: So, welcome to my true crime show I’m making about this whole Santa attack mystery. It’s like the movies I make for Heartmark but not romantic and cheesy, and much more gruesome.
Marge: Oh, you work for Heartmark? That’s my favorite channel!
Mary Tannenbaum: I should introduce myself. Mary Tannenbaum: Heartmark Senior Vice President of Romantic Mystery Content and Executive of the Pumpkin Spice Murder Division.
Marge: Oh, well I’m Marge. Senior…mother of three beautiful children.
Mary Tannenbaum: Three children? You look incredible!
Lisa: So, you’re making a true crime show?
Mary Tannenbaum: That’s the plan. And you and your mother would be a large part of my vision. You could help piece together the clues, film reenactments…  I’ll just need you to sign this five hundred and twenty-four page stack of standard release forms.
Herb Tannenbaum: And what part will I play in your film, as someone who was also attacked alongside Santa?
Mary Tannenbaum: Probably insignificant. It’s obvious Santa was the main target. And our focus groups don’t respond well to sentient arboreal beings in lead roles.
Herb Tannenbaum: Really?
Mary Tannenbaum: It’s been heavily researched.
Lisa: Well, our primary suspect’s alibi just checked out, so I was thinking we’d head up to Mt. Useful to interview suspects taking part in the sleigh race. Just by racing in the race shows clear motive.
Mary Tannenbaum: Can I tag along if you don’t mind?
Herb Tannenbaum: Do I at least get a Producer credit?
Mary Tannenbaum: Nope.
Herb Tannenbaum: What about a “special thanks”?!
Mary Tannenbaum: Have your people talk to my people.
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Marge Read the Contract – 4hrs
Make Lisa Dream of Stardom– 4hrs
Make Herb Tannenbaum Negotiate a “Special Thanks” Credit – 4hrs
Make Mary Tannenbaum Film B-Roll- 4hrs
Collect Magnifying Glasses- x150. 4hrs.
Mary Tannenbaum: I want you guys to listen to my crime podcast called “He Probably Did it but Not Sure Yet” to get a sense of how the show will work.
Marge: Sure! I love crime podcasts!
Mary Tannenbaum: Well, I’m doing a little meet-and-greet with other crime podcasters to announce our new show.
Marge: Oooh, I’ve always wanted to go to a fancy convention. Can I wear a nice dress?
Mary Tannenbaum: Of course. See you there.
Lisa: This is so exciting, Watson.
Marge: Can’t we just drop the Sherlock stuff since we’re about to both become crime TV sensations?
Beatrice: Hey! Someone stole my salad and I wasn’t finished with it!
Mary Tannenbaum: Quick! Start recording! A theft at a crime podcast convention! This is perfect! How did you feel when you first noticed your salad was stolen? And had the salad been dressed?
Beatrice: I had just added the dressing before it was taken.
Mary Tannenbaum: A cold night in December, a missing plate, an empty seat… I’m going to title this podcast “Gone, Bibb-y, Gone” or “Kaleknapped: The Story of the Missing Salad”.
Lisa: What about “The Golden State Kale-r”?

No Business Like Snow Business Pt. 3
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Krusty: Whaddya want, kid? I’m off the clock. Autographs are twenty bucks. And no, I will not draw something on you so you can get it tattooed…unless you pay me sixty bucks.
Lisa: I just wanted to ask you about your whereabouts on the night Santa was attacked.
Krusty: Whoa, you trying to jam Krusty up on camera? Get that thing outta my face!
Mary Tannenbaum: *filming* We’re just making a film about the attack on Santa. *pushes in close* If you’re innocent then you have nothing to worry about.
Krusty: Jeez, I was working on my holiday special all night when the fatso got attacked. You happy?
Marge: Prove it!
Mary Tannenbaum: Ooh, Marge. I love it. Bring the fire. *pans the camera dramatically*
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Krusty Call His Lawyer – 4hrs
Make Lisa Question Krusty– 4hrs
Make Mary Tannenbaum Get Dramatic Interrogation Footage– 4hrs
Make Marge Consider Waterboarding- 4hrs
Make Herb Tannenbaum Try to Get on Camera- 4hrs
Collect Magnifying Glasses- x150. 4hrs.
Marge: Alright. Your alibi checks out. For now…
Krusty: I told you! Also, what’d you think of the rough cut of my special? Should I keep or take out all the insensitive jokes?
Marge: You already know the answer to that.
Krusty: I really don’t. That was genuine. Anyway, can I go?
Marge: For now…

No Business Like Snow Business Pt. 4
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Homer: Lisa? Marge? Strange woman with a camera crew? What are you doing up here at Mt. Useful? Are you coming to cheer me on?!
Lisa: We ran out of leads in the Santa case, so thought we’d come question people doing the sleigh race. They all have a motive, as you know.
Mary Tannenbaum: And I’m filming it for cable TV. *whip pans camera to Bart’s reaction*
Bart: I’m confused, so are you a producer, TV executive, writer, director, or camera operator?
Mary Tannenbaum: We make so many Heartmark movies a year that you end up doing a little of everything. Last year I was a teamster building sets and then replaced Debra Messing for the lead role in a movie after “Will and Grace” got rebooted for the third time.
Homer: Well, this is fun! The whole family is here! Me and Bart will be out there snowmobiling if you need us.
Lisa: Actually, Dad. Where were you on the night of Santa’s attack?
Homer: Wait, waaaaaaaaaaaa??!!
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Lisa Question Her Own Father– 4hrs
Make Mary Tannenbaum Get Reaction Shots– 4hrs
Make Marge Interview Other Racers– 4hrs
Collect Magnifying Glasses- x175. 4hrs.
Homer: Sorry, what was your name again?
Mary Tannenbaum: Mary Tannenbaum.
Homer: Right. And you’re Herb Tannenbaum?
Herb Tannenbaum: Nice to meet ya.
Homer: And you two AREN’T related?
Mary Tannenbaum: *looking at Herb* He’s a tree…
Homer: It just doesn’t make sense. Same last name — heavily featured in the plot of this update. Are you married to each other?
Mary Tannenbaum:Nope!

No Business Like Snow Business Pt. 5
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Wiggum: Ah, I’m here to sign up for the sleigh race.
Park Ranger: Sure, just fill out the sheet here, and make sure to list the details on what sort of sleigh power you’ll be using, as we have some strict rules.
Wiggum: My little chariot runs on police-issued pepper spray.
Park Ranger: Okay, so it’s fueled entirely by pepper spray.
Wiggum: I also have a few prisoners Rudolphing the sleigh in exchange for decreased jail time.
Park Ranger: That seems illegal.
Wiggum: Well, they committed crimes. So yes, it would be illegal in that sense.
Marge: Chief Wiggum? You’re joining the sleigh race? What about the investigation!?
Wiggum: Oh, that? I solved Santa’s whole attack thing already. It was like Murder on the Orient Express — his reindeer teamed up and did it.
Lisa: That’s the worst investigating of all time.
Wiggum: *chuckles* I was just kidding! It wasn’t a bunch of reindeer — it was Snake.
Lisa: Again with Snake? You can’t just place blame on someone because they’ve committed almost every other crime in the city’s history.
Wiggum: I’m not. I’m placing blame on him because he works at the Bag a Reindeer Hunting Range where the crime took place.
Lisa: Wait, what?
Wiggum: Case…a-closed. I win cop of the year. Now to win this sleigh race!
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Lisa Be Amazed That Wiggum Did Police Work – 4hrs
Make Wiggum Fail to Provide Any More Evidence– 4hrs
Make Marge Be Certain Snake is the Culprit– 4hrs
Collect Magnifying Glasses– x175. 4hrs.
Marge: Snake…Jailbird.
Santa Snake: Marge…Simpson.
Homer: Homer…Simpson.
Marge: Homer? What are you doing here?
Homer: I saw you run off all of a sudden toward Santa’s Village. I was just wondering what’s going on, thought I’d follow. Crap, I forgot Bart at Mt. Useful. Gotta go! *runs off*
Marge: Now, where were we?
Santa Snake:Saying each other’s names, slowly, apparently.
Marge: So you work here at Bag a Reindeer Hunting Range. Did you work the night of the attack on Santa?
Santa Snake: I did. Bagged more that night than ever before. But I was already off when the attack happened. I headed from work to Moe’s at 9:37pm for a beer. Then stopped at Kwik-E-Mart for a quick robbing at 10:20pm. Then home and into bed promptly at 10:45pm to watch my baking show.
Lisa: That’s a very specific timeline. Almost as if…you’d practiced it.
Santa Snake: Or…I’ve been through this many times before and I’ve learned to cover my own butt any time someone gets clubbed in the back of the head.
Marge: Well now. Isn’t that interesting. I don’t believe the reports ever released the information that Santa was hit in the back of the head.
Santa Snake: They did, actually. But good try. It would’ve been really cool if that had been true though.
Lisa: Yeah, Mom. They did actually say that.
Marge: Alright, well we’re still gonna check your alibi!

And that’s it my friends, the full dialogue for Act 2 of Holiday Whodunnit!

Thoughts on Act 2? Dialogue? Where do you think the story will head in Act 3? Any ideas on who attacked Santa? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!