Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
As we always do when an event winds down, it’s now time to take a look at the hilarious dialogue for this event…just in case you missed it by tapping to fast.
So here’s the full dialogue for the Hot Diggity D’oh mini-event main questline…
Just a side note…finally feeling better! Not 100% but better. Thanks for the well wishes! (no joke, COVID twice…and this flu was way worse. It kicked my butt more than anything. Which is why I get a flu shot every year. For whatever reason the flu has always been my nemesis…)
The Unbearable Darkness of Being Pt. 1
British TV: We now return to “The Great British Boiling Show”. Exquisite boiling! It’s clear that these potatoes were vigorously washed before entering the pot.
Homer: He’s right. Edwin really went to town washing those potatoes.
British TV: As for Elsie, her potatoes are tremendously undercooked.
Homer: Get your head in the game, Elsie! It’s all about time management.
Marge: Homer, what are you still doing here? It’s the middle of a workday.
Homer: The plant finally instituted a four-day work week — so it’s my day off.
Marge: Then why do we keep getting angry voicemails from Mr. Burns asking where you are?
Burns: Get your hindquarters in here — posthaste! *beep* Is your absence due to that four-day work week foolishness?! My memorandum clearly stated that I was adding four MORE days of work to each bi-week! *beep* You nincompoop, we are facing a crisis-level meltdown due to your desertion! *beep*
Marge: I didn’t realize Mr. Burns was a “make phone calls to employees” type of boss…
Homer: Oh yeah, he’s always leaving me voicemails like that. It’s our thing.
British TV: And the winner of the Boiled Potato Challenge is— *power outage*
Homer: What?! Who won the Potato Challenge? Elsie? Edwin?! What’s happening?!
Marge: The power went out because you’re not at the nuclear plant! Get over there and fix it! I can’t see a thing in here!
Homer: Okay, I’ll go. But only after I find out who won the Potato Challenge.
Marge: But we have no power.
Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge. I’m already hooking the TV up to the generator
.Make Homer Watch “The Great British Boiling Show”- 6s
Make Marge Search for a Flashlight- 6s
Marge: I can’t believe the power is still out. It’s been a full day of this!
Homer: Could be weeks, Marge. Trust me, a bunch of morons run things at that plant.
Marge: Well, they’re all out of flashlights at the store and the only candles we have left are these mosquito repellent ones…
Homer: Yeah, I think the dog’s allergic to the scent or something.
Santas Little Helper: *drunken barks*
Marge: *annoyed grumble*
The Unbearable Darkness of Being Pt. 2
Homer: Aw man, the generator stopped working! Now I’ll never find out who won the Root Vegetable Boil-Off!
Bart: And I was in the middle of my video game walkthrough! How am I supposed to kill “Ragnor: The Zombie Conqueror” without seeing someone walk me through the exact way you can kill him?!
Homer: I curse whoever caused this godforsaken power outage!
Bart: You caused it!
Homer: Oh yeah, right.
Sgt Sausage: Homer, you know what will make this all better?
Homer: Sgt. Sausage! Thank God you’re alive! Did you finally win the war against the Buns?!
Sgt Sausage: Yes, “The Bundred Years War” has ended with our victory.
Homer: List the battles you fought!
Sgt Sausage: *sigh* Do I have to?
Homer: *shaking fist* List them.
Sgt Sausage: “The Battle of Vienna Sausage”, “The Bay of Pigs in a Blanket”, “The French’s Revolution”…
Homer: Keep ’em comin’.
Sgt Sausage: “The War of the Relish Succession”, “The Coleslaw Uprising”, “The Ket-chup Offensive”…
Homer: Mmm, hot dog puns.So what are you doing back in my imagination?!
Sgt Sausage: I’m here to remind you that no matter how dark things may seem, hot dogs always make everything brighter.
Homer: So the solution to this blackout is me eating hot dogs?! Woohoo!
Sgt Sausage: I just got word the Buns have attacked Pearl Onion Harbor!
Homer: But pearl onions don’t go on hot dogs!
Sgt Sausage: Exactly! Good luck on your hot dog journey, Homer. *disappears*
Homer: Godspeed, Sgt. Sausage. Thank you for all your hot dog service. Marge! Do we have hot dogs?! I need to eat as many as possible because of the blackout!
Marge: Homie, are you talking to that imaginary hot dog soldier guy again?
Homer: Leave Sgt. Sausage out of this.
Marge: Well, I hope cold hot dogs will do. Without power, I have no way to heat them up.
Homer: C’mon, boy. Let’s head down to the Squidport where they know all about the correct temperature for hot dogs.
Make Homer Head to the Squidport- 6s
Make Bart Head to the Squidport- 6s
Make Marge Light More Candles- 6s
Make Lisa Enjoy Quiet Reading By Candlelight- 6s
Homer: Okay, we’ll take fourteen chili dogs… No, fifteen.
Deuce: Fifteen chili dogs? The only person who orders that many is my friend, H-Dog!
Homer: Deuce! I didn’t realize you opened a place at the Squidport!
Bart: Dad? You know this hot dog stand guy?
Deuce: Of course he knows me. He was my best customer at Deuce’s Caboose Chili Dogs.
Homer: That’s right. Hey whatever happened to Deuce’s Caboose?
Deuce: You stole the caboose and drove it off a bridge!
Homer: Oh yeah. I sort of do recall doing that…
Deuce: But it’s all in the past, H-Dog… Things are going great for me now! I’ve been selling all my hot dog grease to the Grease Recycling Plant and I’m making a killing!
Bart: Oh yeah, we tried that once. Not exactly what I’d call a lucrative endeavor…
Deuce: That was before the blackout drove the price of grease through the roof. Since every store sold out of candles, people are making their own at home — out of GREASE!
Deuce: *whispering* But don’t tell anyone.
Homer: *whispering* Your sound business plan is safe with me. *whispering* Bart. We gotta get in on this racket. Don’t tell the hot dog guy.
Deuce: *whispering* I can still hear you.
Homer: *whispering* So…is it okay if we also sell grease?
Deuce: *whispering* As long as I get 10%.
Homer: You’ve got a deal! Simpson & Son Grease Co. is back in the grease game!
Bart: We’re back in the fat graft!
Homer: In the gristle grind!
Bart: In the tallow shall-owe…? Yeah, that one doesn’t work…
Homer: It’s the attempt that counts.
Bart: Thanks, Dad.
Release the Grease Pt. 1
Homer: Look at all that juicy grease.
Bart: Are you sure Mom’s okay with us maxing out her credit cards to buy a truckload of hot dogs?
Homer: Of course, she’s fine with it! Do you know how much grease we’ll pump out of these hot dogs?
Homer: Oh, I don’t either. I was genuinely asking. Anyway, as long as the blackout continues, we’re going to sell so much grease, we’ll be able to put Lisa through college AND pay all your future legal fees.
Bart: Real lawyers or those cheap suits that do ads on AM radio?
Homer: The ones who charge you a thousand dollars an hour.
Homer: But again, only as long as this power outage continues.
Bart: Do you see that?!
Bart: The power’s back on!
Homer: Woohoo! Now I can watch my British Boiling show!
Bart: No, Dad, this isn’t good. Like you just said: if everyone gets their power back, then all of our grease is going to be worth pennies!
Homer: Oh yeah, crap.
Make Homer Rage Over Grease Prices- 4hrs
Make Bart Think Through the Business Plan- 4hrs
Make Marge Go Through the Credit Card Statement- 4hrs
Collect Grease- x125. 4hrs.
Homer: Aww, man. Of all our get-rich-quick schemes — I thought this was finally gonna be the one to get us rich the quickest.
Bart: It still can! If there’s another blackout, the grease prices will go up again!
Homer: Yeah, but it’s impossible to predict when the next blackout will happen…
Bart: Homer, there’s grease supply, and there’s grease demand. And you, “Nuclear Safety Inspector of the Month”, control both sides of it.
Homer: Oh my God, you’re right. I can just click all the buttons on my control panel and it’ll take weeks until those nuclear guys figure out how to get the power up and running again!
Bart: Let’s pull the cord out from under this town!
Homer: Yeah! But first let’s eat some hot dogs and watch another season of The Great British Boiling Show.
Release the Grease Pt. 2
Homer: Bart, we made out with quite the lumpy sum selling our fatty grease.
Bart: And to think, all we had to do was sink the town into a horrible, prolonged darkness. Good thing being without electricity isn’t dangerous at all…
Grampa: My oxygen tank can’t run without power!
Homer: You don’t use an oxygen tank.
Grampa: Yeah, but if I did, you’d be the one responsible for killin’ me!
Homer: I can live with that.
Bart: Dad, I’d say that we should sell some more grease, but now we’re out of our only source: hot dogs.
Homer: What we need to do is go to the greasiest restaurants in town and suck all the grease out from under them.
Bart: How are we gonna do that?
Homer: Oh, Holy Sky Finger! Won’t you, in all your benevolence, bequeath upon your lowly and addicted subjects the gift of more greasy spoon diners and fatty fast food joints?
Sky Finger: *wags approvingly*
Make Homer Pray to Sky Finger 4hrs
Make Skyfinger Collect Grease From Restaurants- x25
Make Bart Question the Existence of Sky Finger- 4hrs
Make Lovejoy Declare Sky Finger Blasphemous- 4hrs
Collect Grease- x175. 4hrs.
Homer: Bart, these restaurants are onto us. They’ve upped the prices on their excess grease!
Luigi: I make-a the gnocchi, the chicken parmesan, the lasagna, the spaghetti carbonara — and for what? For you to buy-a my hard-a-earned grease for nothing?!
Krusty: If you want my grease, you’re gonna have to pay a premium because 10% has to go to my agent, another 15% to my manager, and another 5% to my lawyer. And don’t get me started on the alimony.
SeaCaptain: Arrgh, the Frying Dutchman does not negotiate with grease pirates! If you want our grease, you’ll have to pay market rate!
Homer: Market rate?! Our profits are going to become razor thin!
Bart: Man, I wish we could just cut out those greasy middlemen!
Homer: Excellent idea, boy. We should threaten to burn all their restaurants down in a “grease fire” and then collect their insurance.
Bart: What? I didn’t say that!
Homer: Oh, then were you saying that we should use all our profits to purchase our very own super-greasy restaurant to make all our own grease?!
Bart: I wasn’t saying that either!
Homer: Too late! I bought a restaurant and we’re calling it: “Der Homerschnitzel”.
Bart: What about “Der Bart-wurst.” You know, like Bratwurst…
Homer: That is good…But I can’t change it now. I already told the game developers that it’s going to be called “Der Homerschnitzel”.
Release the Grease Pt. 3
Homer: Welcome to Der Homerschnitzel. Can I interest you in a basket of Grease Balls? Or perhaps a Lard Chicken Sandwich?
CBG: I’ll take two Hot Dog-stuffed Greaseburgers and a side of Greasy Fries.
Marge: Homer J. Simpson! You bought a fast casual restaurant without telling me?!
Homer: Technically, Bart’s a co-owner. So, WE didn’t tell you.
Marge: How could you do something like this?!
Homer: Marge, don’t worry! This is all just one of my classic get rich quick schemes!
Marge: You never get rich, and if you ever were to get rich, it wouldn’t happen quick!
Homer: That’s hurtful, Marge. Take that back.
Marge: I’m skipping the parts where I’m angry and then kick you out of the house. We’re jumping straight to the marriage counseling.
Homer: No! But the marriage counseling’s the worst part! It’ll feel so jarring to skip over all the other stuff!
Marge: Our first session starts in ten minutes. I’ll be in the car.
Homer: Bart, keep the business running while I’m gone. And don’t forget: always keep this fire extinguisher on you in case this place goes up in greasy flames.
Marge: *annoyed grumble*
Make Homer Go to Marriage Counseling- 4hrs
Make Marge Go to Marriage Counseling- 4hrs
Make Bart Keep the Business Going- 4hrs
Make Lisa Ask if There Are Any Vegan Options- 4hrs
Make Squeaky Voice Teen Take Over the Register- 4hrs
Collect Grease- x150. 4hrs.
Dr Hot Dog: I see. And how does that make you feel, Marge?
Marge: Like my husband cares more about hot dog grease than his own family.
Dr Hot Dog: Mmm, yes. Homer, do you find any truth within Marge’s feelings?
Dr Hot Dog: Homer?
Dr Hot Dog: Homer…are you picturing me as a hot dog right now?
Homer: No. I mean, yes. I mean, hot dog.
Release the Grease Pt. 4
Homer: Bart, we’re hemorrhaging money! Running a restaurant is just too expensive of a way to make grease and sell it.
Bart: Okay, so let’s sell the restaurant and get our money back.
Homer: Sell? No, the only way to turn things around is to come up with an even quicker get-rich-quick scheme.
Grampa: I know how you can do it!
Homer: Is it a foolproof grease-based get-richer-quicker scheme?
Grampa: It sure is!
Make Grampa Explain the Scheme- 4hrs
Make Homer Listen Intently- 4hrs
Make Bart Go Along Out of Morbid Curiosity- 4hrs
Make Marge Schedule the Next Counseling Session- 4hrs
Collect Grease- x125. 4hrs.
Grampa: I got a fix on the biggest grease stockpile in town. My old employer, the Springfield Meatball Factory. They have tanks loaded top to bottom with excess grease.
Bart: Now that’s a spicy meatball.
Homer: But isn’t the meatball factory run by the Italian mob?
Grampa: Sure, it’s run by Fat Tony’s gang. Which is exactly why it’ll have such low security. Who would be stupid enough to try to steal from the mob?
Homer: I’m stupid enough!
Grampa: You grab the grease and we split the cut 50/50.
Bart: Yeah, but you already told us everything we need to know. So you get a big fat slice of nothing, old man.
Grampa: To hell with your generation.
Release the Grease Pt. 5
Homer: Alright, boy. You back the grease truck up to the loading doors, and I’ll go around the breadcrumb silo and hook up the grease tanks.
Bart: Wait, someone’s coming!
Deuce: H-Dog? Is that you?
Homer: Deuce? I didn’t know you sold hot dogs at the meatball factory.
Deuce: I don’t. I’m only here because I got a fix on the biggest grease stockpile in all of Springfield.
Bart: Ugh, I guess Grampa’s going around telling everyone about this heist.
Grampa: How’d you idiots know my old meatball factory was a grease goldmine!
Bart: You told us!
Grampa: No I didn’t! I only told my old pal, Deuce. I used to be his biggest customer at that wiener wagon of his.
Homer: It wasn’t a wiener wagon! It was a caboose! I should know — I’m the one that drove it off a cliff!
Grampa: Scram, Homer. These meatballs aren’t big enough for the four of us.
Deuce: Abe-Dog, H-Dog, come on. We’re all friends. Let’s just rob this place together and increase our chances of success.
Homer: That is a fair compromise. But is it too fair? Let me consult with my associate privately. *whispering* What do you think, Bart?
Bart: *whispering* Let’s cut them in. But if Fat Tony catches one of us in the factory, we’re pinning it on Mr. Deuce Caboose over there.
Homer: *whispering* I don’t know. I think we should pin it on that Grampa guy.
Deuce: *whispering* You guys really need to learn how to whisper.
Grampa: What are we whisperin’ about?!
Make Homer Pull Off the Heist of the Century- 4hrs
Make Deuce Pull off the Heist of the Century- 4hrs
Make Bart Pull Off the Heist of the Century- 4hrs
Make Marge Get Stood Up at Marriage Counseling- 4hrs
Collect Grease- x175. 4hrs.
Homer: Oh, man. I can’t believe that worked!
Bart: And we didn’t even run into a single guard!
Deuce: Actually, there were a bunch of guards. Grampa neutralized them all.
Grampa: I wouldn’t eat the meatballs from this place anytime soon. That’s all I’m saying.
Bart: Whoa Grampa, you’re a bad ass…
Grampa: Well, when I was in the war—
Homer: No war stories! Let’s take this highly lucrative grease and get out of here!
Off to Mexico
Homer: Okay, all we have to do is sell this boatload of grease, and then we’re changing our names and moving to Mexico!
Bart: Why Mexico?
Grampa: Yeah, I was thinking the Caribbean.
Deuce: What about Germany? They love hot dogs over there!
Homer: Well, I was only thinking Mexico because it’s where Morgan Freeman and that other guy go at the end of that prison movie…
Burns: Not so fast, Simpson.
Homer: Mr. Burns! How’s, uh, things?
Smithers: We’re onto you, Simpson. We found the security footage.
Homer: *gasp* The one of me stealing your turkey sandwich out of the fridge and then accidentally dropping it into the reactor core which created a fog of deli mustard that enveloped the entire Eastern Seaboard for three months?
Smithers: It was you who caused the Great Mustard Mist?!
Burns: He means the footage of you intentionally causing a blackout so you could capitalize on the skyrocketing price of grease.
Homer: *standing in front of a grease truck* Oh that? That wasn’t me. That was Lenny or Carl! Am I fired?
Burns: No, now that we know it was you who caused The Great Mustard Mist, we can’t fire you.
Smithers: But Mr. Burns, we can’t keep him on. He’s a walking liability.
Burns: Exactly. Because if anyone ever found out it was our employee who caused the Mustard Mist, we’d be sued to kingdom come. Keep Simpson close. Oh, and make him sign another NDA.
Smithers: Ok, sir.
Homer: Suckers. C’mon boy, let’s sell this grease.
Bart: Uh, Dad. The power is back on and now the grease prices are tanking.
Homer: Why can’t I ever get rich quick?! Please! All I want is for it to happen once!
Make Homer Try to Sell the Grease- 4hrs
Make Grampa Move to the Caribbean- 4hrs
Make Bart Short the Grease Stock- 4hrs
Make Deuce Hide the Heist Evidence- 4hrs
Homer: Marge! My get-rich-quick scheme actually worked!
Marge: It did? We’re rich?
Homer: Oh, no, not even close. I just mean after I auctioned off the restaurant and sold the grease from our heist, we technically didn’t lose money on the whole thing. We’re actually ahead thirty-seven bucks!
Marge: I’m sorry, the grease from your what?
Homer: *whispering* Bart, she’s onto us. You still have your bags packed for Mexico?
And there you have it my friends, the full dialogue for the Hot Diggity D’oh mini-event!
Final thoughts on the event? Dialogue? Which prize was your favorite? What do you think we’ll see next? Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!