Hell on Wheels Act 1 Full Dialogue: Of Clunkers and Junkers

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 2 of the Hell on Wheels event to start, it’s time to wrap up Act 1 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for Of Clunkers and Junkers…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

End of the Road
Auto starts

Marge: As soon as we get home, I have some chores for you.
Homer: Are they real jobs or just those six second thingies?
Marge: Homer, what’s that clunking noise?
Homer: I’m probably having another heart attack. Let me pull into Flanders’ driveway and you can use his defibrillator on me. Then a couple weeks of paid time off thanks to Obamacare and I’ll hatch a new get-rich-quick scheme and—
Marge: I don’t think that’s your heart. I think it’s the car.
Homer: The car? We can’t afford that! It’s gotta be my heart! Give me ten ccs of pork rinds, stat!
Make Homer Try to Induce a Heart Attack- 6s
Make Marge Take Away the Pork Rinds- 6s
Marge: Stop being so dramatic! It’s probably just a loose carburetor. Cars still have carburetors, right?
Homer: You’re asking the wrong guy.
Marge: Well, it can’t be anything too terrible. We always take our cars in for regular maintenance.
Homer: Uh…
Marge: Homer, you’ve been taking your car in to get it serviced on schedule, right?
Homer: Again, you’re asking the wrong guy.
Marge: Pull into that service station right now!
Homer: Wouldn’t you rather just let me take care of this while you make dinner?
Marge: Now YOU’RE asking the wrong guy.

Of Clunkers and Junkers Pt. 1
Auto starts

Marge: Your car just died right in front of this gas station!
Homer: Perfect timing, huh?
Mechanic: Hello, folks. Boy, that was quite a racket your car was making…until it suddenly went completely silent.
Homer: Is that a bad sign?
Mechanic: Not for me. I’m putting a new deck on my house.
Marge: *grumble*
Mechanic: Could be worse. You could be having a heart attack.
Homer: I wish!
Make Homer Get His Car Checked Out- 4hrs
Collect Mufflers- x115.
Homer: So how bad is it?
Mechanic: Well, your transmission is shot, your suspension’s collapsed, the brakes are worn down — do you want me to go on?
Marge: Is the carburetor loose?
Mechanic: Uh, no…
Homer: I told you that wasn’t the problem, Marge.
Mechanic: …’cause I couldn’t find it. It must have fallen out a few miles back.

Of Clunkers and Junkers Pt. 2
Auto starts

Homer: I can’t live without a car! I have to drive to work. And to Moe’s when I’m pretending to take my car to get it serviced.
Mechanic: I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no way I can get this vehicle back on the road.
Billy: Wait a second, Dad! I’m sure I can get his car working again — at least long enough for us to be able to charge him.
Mechanic: Billy, we’ve been over this. You’re not ready yet.
Homer: Couldn’t we at least let him try?
Mechanic: Last week he connected an air intake hose to a water pump.
Homer: …And is that ba—?
Mechanic: Yeah, it’s bad.
Homer: But at least he didn’t connect a water intake hose to an air pump.
Mechanic: Hush! Don’t give him any ideas!
Make Homer Beg Mechanic to Let Billy Fix His Car- 4hrs
Collect Mufflers- x115.
Homer: I believe in you, Billy!
Mechanic: And now your car is on fire.
Homer: D’oh!
Billy: It was an honest mistake! I was being very honest when I touched those wires together by mistake.
Mechanic: Son, you just don’t have the touch.
Homer: Except when it comes to touching wires together! Hah!
Mechanic: What are you laughing at? Your car is on fire.
Homer: At least he didn’t connect a water hose to the air pump.
Mechanic: That might have put out the fire.
Homer: D’oh!

Of Clunkers and Junkers Pt. 3
Auto starts

Marge: What are we going to do now?
Homer: I’ll get a rental car while we go car shopping. Our insurance should cover it.
Marge: Do you want me to give you a ride to the rental place?
Homer: That’s okay. I already called Lenny. He’ll give me a ride.
Marge: To the car rental place?
Homer: Eventually.
Make Homer Make a “Pit Stop” at Moe’s- 4hrs
Make Lenny Drive Homer to Moe’s- 4hrs
Collect Mufflers- x115.
Homer: One rental car, please. Here’s my insurance card.
Squeaky Voice Teen Attendant: Oh, great! If you have Platinum Protection, I can rent you a 2022 sports car with satellite radio. *looks at card* Uh-oh.
Homer: Is that a Platinum Protection uh-oh?
Squeaky Voice Teen Attendant: No, sir. You have Aluminum Foil Protection.
Homer: And what can I get with that?
Squeaky Voice Teen Attendant: A 1974 hatchback with an eight-track player.

Of Clunkers and Junkers Pt. 4
Auto starts

Homer: Time for some family car shopping!
Lisa: Aw, Dad, I thought we were getting frosty chocolate milkshakes!
Maggie: *suck suck*
Bart: Maggie’s right. Suck suck.
Homer: Quit complaining. We’re going to Kliff’s Kar Chalet.
Marge: Homer, I don’t think we can afford anything here.
Homer: Marge, the sticker price is for the rubes. Watch me wheel and deal the pants off this sales guy.
Kliff: Sir, you deserve a car that matches you in every way: Rugged, powerful, and hardworking. The Road Monster XXXL 550!
Homer: Here, take my pants!
Make Homer Worship the Road Monster XXXL 550- 4hrs
Make Kliff Shine Homer On- 4hrs
Make Marge Give Kliff Some Serious Side-Eye- 4hrs
Collect Mufflers- x155.
Bart: And tell me, my good man. What does the Road Monster have for the discriminating back seat passenger?
Kliff: A 24-inch touchscreen with streaming video and a Sorny Yaystation comes standard.
Bart: Here, take my shorts, too!

Of Clunkers and Junkers Pt. 5
Auto starts

Marge: Homer, this is ridiculous. There’s no way we can afford it!
Homer: Relax, Marge. Watch and learn. So Kliff, you know how I became an astronaut and now every billionaire on earth wants to go into space, too? You give me one of these Road Monster XXXL 550s for free and you’ll have to fight those space billionaire buyers off with a stick.
Kliff: I tell you what Homer, you pay full price for the Road Monster, and when the first billionaire buys one, I’ll give you this Kliff’s Kar Chalet travel mug.
Homer: Ooooh, it keeps liquids both hot AND cold! You got yourself a deal.
Marge: Maybe Maggie can use it as a sippy cup.
Maggie: *suck suck*
Kliff: Let me just run your credit and…oh…I’ve never seen a NEGATIVE number come up.
Homer: Is that bad?
Kliff: It is for me. I was hoping to use this sale to put a new deck on my house.
Homer: Aw! Isn’t there something you can do for us?
Kliff: There is! I’m going to send you to a buddy of mine who I think can put you in something more in your price range.
Homer: Can I have my pants back?
Kliff: Not with that credit rating.
Make Simpsons Follow Kliff’s Directions- x5. 4hrs
Collect Mufflers- x195.
Marge: The Auto Yard? Homer, this is a junk yard!
Gene Dupree: One man’s junk is another man’s garbage.
Bart: Gene “No-Helmet” Dupree!
Gene Dupree: In the bruised and battered flesh! What are you folks doing here anyhow?
Homer: My car broke down and Kliff sent us here to find one we could afford.
Gene Dupree: Well, at least you got out of there with your pants.
Homer: These are rentals.

And that’s it my friends, the full Act 1 dialogue for Hell on Wheels! Stay tuned for Act 2 to start!

Thoughts on the Act 1 dialogue?  Prize track? Where do you think the story is heading?  Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!