Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Grab your Santa hats and break out the tinsel because it’s Christmas time in Springfield! Yes the annual TSTO Christmas event has arrived in our pocket-sized towns, covering our usual perfect weather towns with a fresh blanket of bright, white, snow!
While the Christmas event, and snow, are annual the structure of this event is anything but! This is the first major event in Springfield that’s structured like a mini-event. Christmas consists of 4 parts (or Acts), with each part lasting a week and taking us through a new part of the Simpsons Christmas Special!
Act 2 tells the tale of a Rogue Cop who plays fast and loose with the rules while he solves a bank robbery mystery! Bart is the narrator for this Christmas tale, so let’ take a look at how he’s ripping off Die Hard…
First, here’s the Week 2 Synopsis from EA:
Bart tells the story of a pair of buddy cops, Bart and Milhouse, who must investigate a series of bank robberies while trying not to be fired by the chief of police, Ralph. Bart and Milhouse discover in questioning a witness to the original bank robbery, played by Homer, that the heists are being perpetrated by a Snowman mobster known as – Deep Freeze. They are nearly put on ice when their snowmobile explodes but are finally able to capture the criminal and make him confess that he’s not the mastermind of the operation. Following a cryptic clue, they discover that the true mastermind is none other than Santa Claus! Santa confesses that children’s wish lists have become progressively more expensive over the years, so he had to find an alternate source of revenue. Bart asks Santa if he and Milhouse can get in on a cut of the take.
And now we’ll jump into the week 2 dialogue…
Where ever you see the story italicized indicates the story that Bart is telling. The regular font indicates real-time Springfield
Christmas is Canceled Pt. 3
Bart: Like all good Christmas tales, ours opens in a small town, whose citizens are about to be plunged into a nightmare of blood-soaked gore.
Marge: No gore!
Homer: Don’t censor the boy, Marge. I’m sure the gore isn’t gratuitous. I’ve never been so sure about anything.
Marge: No gore!
Bart: You really know how to hamstring an artist, Mom.
Make Bart Tell a Cliche Story- 6s
Bart: Terrorists have taken over a building downtown. The only hope? A rogue cop with a bad attitude.
Lisa: You’re just ripping off “Die Hard”.
Bart: It’s a reboot. That’s what creative people do — take an old movie, remake it, and say it’s been “reimagined for a new generation”.
Marge: My little man sounds just like J.J. Abrams!
Bart: As I was saying… how many rules does this cop play by? How does “zero” sound, friend?
A Savage Thaw Intro
Milhouse: Hey, Savage!
Bart: That’s my name. Coincidentally, it’s also a pretty good description of my character.
Milhouse: The Captain wants to see us in his office. Whatever he says, try to play by the rules for once?
Ralph: Hi, policemans! I’m the one in charge, so what I say goes for sure! I’ve got a big police job for you. You’re playing Monopoly with me!
Bart: Sure, I’ll play. But not by the rules.
Make Bart Give a Tough Guy Sneer- 4hrs, Earns $175,45xp
Make Milhouse Try Not to Panic- 4hrs, Earns $175,45xp
Make Ralph Try to Remember How to Discipline- 4hrs, Earns $175,45xp
Ralph: My police gun shot me again.
Bart: You think maybe we should take you to the hospital, Captain?
Ralph: I have a police car with police lights and police sounds and one time I ranned over a pedestrian.
Lisa: Not much of a story so far, but credit where credit’s due — Bart can really write for Ralph.
A Savage Thaw Pt. 1
Ralph: Robbers are robbing a bank! Somebody call the police!
Bart: Sounds like a job for a loose cannon and his gutless partner.
Milhouse: I don’t know, Savage. Maybe we should sit this one out.
Ralph: The bad guys have snow shooters that sound like *pew pew*.
Marge: “Snow shooters”. I like how harmless that sounds.
Bart: Thought I’d throw you a bone there, Toots. Dad, when I say “snow shooters”, you just picture Uzis and headshots spraying red gore everywhere.
Homer: I’m on it!
Make Bart Practice His Action Plans- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Make Milhouse Do Paperwork– 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Collect Snowballs- x100. 4hrs.
Bart: All right Meeks, let’s roll out.
Ralph: Have fun catching the bad guys! I’ll suspend you for taking the law into your own hands when you get back!
A Savage Thaw Pt. 2
Bart: Okay Meeks, what are we looking at, here?
Milhouse: We got terrorists inside the bank, with an unknown number of hostages. The police negotiator is on his way, so sit tight–
Bart: Banzai charge!
Milhouse: Wait! Don’t charge in until we have a plan!
Bart: I don’t make plans, I make results! Chaaarge!
Make Bart Storm the Snow Bank- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Milhouse Try Not to Get Taken Hostage– 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Collect Snowballs- x300. 4hrs.
Deep Freeze: Oh no! It’s rogue livewire Officer Savage! Let’s make like snow and flake!
Bart: *kicks over a cabinet* Meeks, you let those charmingly snow-themed terrorists escape!
Milhouse: Uh, I was a little busy rescuing the hostages.
Bart: You’re a real hero. Did you even get a look at those sweet, innocent hostages you saved?
Milhouse: Oh my God. They’re… they’re…
Bart: They’re Christmas Carolers. The worst, most annoying people on Earth. And you let them live.
A Savage Thaw Pt. 3
Ralph: I wear my policeman’s uniform over my PJs so I don’t have to change into my PJs at night so bedtime is five minutes later!
Bart: Uh, you wanted to see us, Chief?
Ralph: Hand in your badge, Savage! I’m mad at you for I-forget-why!
Bart: Probably, I’m guessing, because we let the bad guys get away?
Ralph:… My PJs are itchy under my uniform.
Milhouse: Let’s question the hostages, see what they can tell us about the terrorists.
Make Bart Play Bad Cop- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Make Milhouse Play Timid Cop– 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Make Ralph Spin in His Chair Till He Gets Sick- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Collect Snowballs- x300. 4hrs.
Milhouse: The terrorists are being led by a villain who calls himself “Deep Freeze”.
Bart: Figures. The really dangerous ones always choose the most whimsical names.
Milhouse: Remember when Silly McGilly shot up that mall? Peerless psycho.
Bart: Not as bad as when Love-ums the King of Hugs killed and ate an entire preschool.
Homer: You guys talking about Deep Freeze? Good guy. I met him in the bank holdup, but he let me go.
Homer: Finally! The real hero of the story arrives!
Homer: I was supposed to be his hostage, but he said I was too fat and dumb to take along. Said I smelled, too. And that I was dumb.
Homer: *ANNOYED GRUNT*
A Savage Thaw Pt. 4
Bart: Can I ask you a few questions, Fat Smelly Dummy?
Homer: Don’t respond to that, Story Homer.
Homer: Fire away, Copper!
Homer: Dammit! Have some self-respect, me!
Bart: Did Deep Freeze reveal anything to you about his evil plan?
Homer: He wouldn’t stop talking about Christmas, or all the presents he was gonna buy with the stolen loot.
Milhouse: Weird that a criminal would care so much about Christmas…
Homer: I wish I could remember more about him. Of course, my brain works best when it’s black-out drunk.
Bart: To Moe’s!
Make Bart Visit Moe’s- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Homer Drink at Moe’s– 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Deep Freeze Make it Hail Bullets- 24hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Collect Snowballs- x300. 4hrs.
Bart: That’s ten eggnogs you’ve had, sir. Are you remembering anything else about the bad guy?
Homer: Nothin’ yet. One more eggnog oughta do it. Or per’aps a tasty eggnog will help!
Milhouse: *heavy sigh* I think this is a dead end, this guy has no idea where Deep Freeze is.
Moe: Deep Freeze? He’s robbing the Snow Bank again right now.
Bart: Why would he rob it again, when he knows it’s been cleaned out?
Moe: It ain’t easy coming up with new buildings for this town every couple months. Can’t justify all that work unless you use them multiple times.
Bart: We’d better take the Snow Mobile.
A Savage Thaw Pt. 5
Bart: Chief, we’re heading back to the Snow Bank. Deep Freeze is up to something. We’re not sure what, exactly. But it appears to be highly repetitive.
Ralph: Officers Rod and Todd are on site. They’re authorized to pray for Deep Freeze with extreme prejudice.
Bart: Rod and Todd?! But they’re incompetent!
Ralph: “Incompetent”? What’s that?
Bart: Hoo boy.
Make Bart and Milhouse Drive the Snow Mobile- 12hrs, Earns $840, 200xp
Make Ralph Play Dress Up in the Evidence Closet– 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
Collect Snowballs- x300.
Rod: Surrender, Deep Freeze! We’ve got you surrounded by the loving embrace of forgiveness!
Todd: We’ve already turned one cheek. Don’t make us turn the other one!
Deep Freeze: You don’t scare me, Coppers.
Bart: Well maybe I do!
Deep Freeze: Savage! Okay, how about a plea deal – I’ll tell youse who’s really pulling the strings, and youse let me go. Youse’ll find the real kingpin at the Truck Stop Diner.
Bart: Another new building, eh? All right. Let’s unlock it and see what’s what.
A Savage Thaw Pt. 6
Milhouse: I know what you’re gonna say, Savage, but I’d really love to do a quick perimeter check of the diner before we–
Bart: I’ve got a dumber idea.
Milhouse: Don’t say “banzai charge”. Don’t say “banzai charge”…
Bart: *sound of explosions* How about I blow the door with TNT, and only afterwards ask you if that’s a good idea?
Milhouse: You know, I’m the one who has to fill out the paperwork when you blow stuff up!
Make Bart Storm the Truck Stop Diner- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Milhouse Try to Minimize the Damage– 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Bart: Stop right there, we’ve got you cornered…Santa Claus?
Santa Claus: You bet your stockings it is!
Milhouse: But why? You gone naughty on us, old man?
Santa Claus: I needed the cash! You think it’s CHEAP making toys for every child in the world? And if I occasionally want to enjoy a high-end wine, or add to my collection of fine timepieces, do you think that’s easy on a saint’s income?
Bart: Well, I suppose my partner and I could look the other way… for a cut of the loot.
Homer: Savage is a crooked cop?! What a twist!
Lisa: That’s cheating! To be satisfying, a twist has to be both well set up AND motivated by character. Otherwise it’s just cheap!
Homer: Then why am I so completely satisfied and fulfilled as an audience member? Huh? Answer that!
Christmas is Canceled Pt. 4
Homer: *slow clap* Wow! What a story! I never could have predicted Officer Savage was a bad guy.
Lisa: That’s my point. There was nothing prior to the big reveal to indicate, however subtly, that–
Bart: Face it, Lisa. The public loved my story. And the ignorant masses are never wrong about these things.
Marge: I don’t know, that story was a little violent for me. There were so many car chases and explosions!
Homer: The bedrock of any great story is car chases and explosions. Aristotle said that.
Marge: What about a good romance? Everyone loves love.
Homer: The trick is to find the right amount of nudity. Brief enough that it doesn’t damage the children, but long enough that I give a damn.
And this concludes the full dialogue version of the Christmas 2018 Week 2 questline!
What are your thoughts on Bart’s story? Did you enjoy it? Did you miss out on the dialogue the first time around? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!