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Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
As we prepare for Act 2 of the Holiday Whodunnit event to start tomorrow, it’s time to wrap up Act 1 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!
So here’s a look at the full dialogue for Out Cold…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…
No Crime Like the Present
Bart: Milhouse, did you hear that Santa got attacked?
Milhouse: By the bullies?!
Bart: No one knows, but he’s pretty messed up. So I guess no gifts from Santa this year…
Milhouse: Well, I wasn’t expecting much anyway. My dad just got fired from that beef bowl place for over-beefing the bowls.
Homer: *eating beef bowl* If you don’t skimp the customer, you skimp yourself.
Milhouse: Well, I guess Santa getting attacked could be good then…maybe my dad can audition to replace him?
Homer: Not if I beat him to it. I just upgraded my snowmobile and gave it “Fast and the Furious”-grade nitrous.
Bart: How does that in any way help you get hired as Santa?
Homer: Because whenever a Santa dies or is incapacitated, there’s a race to replace him — and the winner gets his job! Plus a grandfather clock made of mahogany!
Bart: Well, if you become the new Santa, here’s my Christmas list: a waterslide from my bedroom window into an infinity pool with underwater surround-sound.
Homer: Your wish is my command.
Milhouse: Ooh! And if you become Santa, I want you to get my dad a car, so he can finally give me my bike back!
Homer: I grant him one PT Cruiser with blue flames on it.
Lisa: Should we really be discussing presents while Santa’s in critical condition in the hospital?
Homer: Presents?! I’m not thinking about presents! I’m thinking about pizza. No, cookies. No, milk. No, cheese…
Lisa: Dad, stop saying what you think!
Homer: No, Philadelphia the cream cheese company, no, Philadelphia the city, no “Philadelphia” that Tom Hanks movie I never saw—
Lisa: Please stop! Doesn’t anyone care that the police aren’t even investigating how Santa got attacked?
Bart: Not really.
Milhouse: I’m sure he’s getting the care he needs.
Lisa: Santa is a contributing member to our society and culture — and yes, he’s a capitalist creation who seamlessly transitioned from an advertising tool to a sanctified myth…BUT he still brings joy to children across the globe!
Marge: Sweetie, would you like to visit Santa at the hospital and give him a get-well-soon card?
Lisa: Yes, and then afterward, I want to figure out who did this to him…and why.
Homer: While you find out why…I’ve got a race to nitrous.
Make Homer Soup Up the Snowmobile- 6s
Make Bart Make a Blueprint of His Waterslide and Pool- 6s
Make Marge Visit Santa- 6s
Make Lisa Visit Santa- 6s
Out Cold Pt. 1
Lisa: Oh Santa, what happened to you?
Dr Hibbert: Someone bashed him in the back of the head with a blunt object. And now he’s unconscious. *chuckles* We’ll never be sure exactly what hit him, but I’d say something wooden, based on all these splinters I tweezed out.
Herb Tannenbaum: He was hit with an axe handle.
Dr Hibbert: Herb, what’d I say about standing in the corner of the room? People assume you’re an actual Christmas tree decoration instead of what you really are: a living and breathing actual Christmas tree decoration.
Lisa: You’re a talking Christmas tree?
Herb Tannenbaum:Herb Tannenbaum, nice to meet ya. I’m an old buddy of Santa’s. We were in the same fraternity at North Pole University. Go Frost Giants! Frost! Frost! Frost! Ice! Ice! Ice!
Lisa: So what happened last night? Who did this to Santa?
Herb Tannenbaum: Well, for one, we were both attacked. But I’m barely getting a mention on the news or social media. I mean, I get it, Santa’s the big name…
Lisa: So you were both attacked.
Marge: Wait a minute. Can we go back to the part where you’re a talking Christmas tree who went to college with Santa?
Lisa: Mom, it’s not that big of a stretch — I mean, we’re standing inside Santa Claus’s hospital room. Just go with it.
Herb Tannenbaum: Yeah, just go with it, Marge.
Lisa: So, Herb, did you get a look at the assailants? Any defining features? Tattoos? Scars? Unique catchphrases?
Herb Tannenbaum: I didn’t get a good look at the guy. He was big, though. Missing teeth and foaming at the mouth… After he bashed Santa with the axe, I tried to stop him, but he hacked off one of my limbs and got away.
Lisa: Oh my gosh! That’s horrible!
Herb Tannenbaum: I’ll be fine. I grow fast.
Lisa: Like Groot?
Herb Tannenbaum: Everybody has to bring up Groot… But, yes, exactly like Groot.
Lisa: Well, the next logical step is to check the crime scene for clues. Would you mind telling us where it happened?
Herb Tannenbaum:Why tell you when I can take you there myself?
Marge: You can walk?
Herb Tannenbaum: Yes, I can walk. But I’d rather drive — Santa’s Village is not really walking distance.
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Marge Come to Terms With Herb’s Existence- 4hrs
Make Lisa Follow Herb- 4hrs
Make Hibbert Be Sad His Christmas Decoration is Leaving- 4hrs
Collect Get-Well Cards- x125. 4hrs.
Marge: I think I’m starting to come to terms with the idea of a walking, talking, Christmas tree.
Lisa: So, are you finally ready to Sherlock this mystery?
Marge: Ooh, so I’m the Sherlock in this scenario?
Lisa: No, you’re definitely the Watson. I’m the Sherlock.
Marge: Then scenario over. Because I’m not playing Watson.
Lisa: I didn’t think you would care! You’re being very un-Watson-y right now…Okay, fine, if you don’t want to be Watson, you can be Irene Adler.
Marge: Who the heck is she? Just let me be Sherlock!
Lisa: But I’m Sherlock. The only thing different between us is he plays the violin, and I play the saxophone. Also, his serious heroin addiction.
Marge: Fine… I’ll be Watson.
Lisa: You’re finally acting like the Watson I hoped and dreamed you’d be!
Marge: As long as you’re happy…
Lisa: Now…and I’ve always wanted to say this…”the game is afoot, Watson”.
Out Cold Pt. 2
Herb Tannenbaum: And here we are. Santa was giving me a tour of Santa’s Village — ugh, he’s always naming things after himself. Anyway, we had just gotten off the reindeer ride: “Soarin’ Through California Chimneys”. It was weird because, you know, not many houses in California have chimneys…
Lisa: Okay…and then what happened?
Herb Tannenbaum: Well, Santa was explaining to me how he doesn’t always deliver presents through chimneys and that’s when all of a sudden, we were attacked.
Lisa: Were you guys in a crowd of people? Alone?
Burns: Smithers! Please remove this marshmallow from my hot cocoa. It’s making the mug too heavy.
Marge: Wait, what is Mr. Burns doing here?
Lisa: Yeah, Santa’s Village is a weird place for Mr. Burns to hang out. He hates Christmas.
Marge: That’s true… But it couldn’t have been him. I don’t think he’s strong enough to hold an axe over his head and hit someone with it…
Lisa: Don’t worry, I’ll Sherlock the truth out of him. Mr. Burns, where were you on the night of Santa’s attack?
Herb Tannenbaum: How many times do I have to say this: I was attacked too!
Lisa: *clears throat* Okay, where were you on the night Santa and Herb were attacked?
Burns: I have a perfectly good alibi. Smithers, what’s my alibi?
Smithers: You were at your *whispers* that happens once a *whispers* on that private island.
Burns: Ah, I see. I was at the secret annual Insider Trading Conference, where the world’s leading insiders gather to trade the rarest of Pokémon cards…as well as discuss which stocks to buy using our insider knowledge.
Lisa: So…insider trading?
Smithers: And then afterward, you went *whispers* with the elves that *whispers* and then you *whispers*.
Burns: Ah, I remember now, yes. After the conference, I retired to my mansion where I am overseeing the design and construction of my Christmas present to myself: a fully-operational sleigh made of…bones.
Smithers: And if you don’t believe Mr. Burns, you can ask each and every one of the elves I personally interviewed and hired to build his “bone sleigh”.
Marge: Well, that’s evil and weird, but it’s also a good alibi if the elves back up his story.
Lisa: And if there’s one thing I’m pretty sure I know about elves — they never tell lies.
Marge: Is that true?
Lisa: Sounds true.
Herb Tannenbaum: Just go with it, Marge.
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Marge Listen to a Crime Podcast- 4hrs
Make Lisa Practice by Finding the Zodiac Killer- 4hrs
Make Burns Take His Sleigh for a Ride- 4hrs
Collect Get-Well Cards- x150.
Homer: Can I get one beef bowl with extra beef?
Squeaky Voice Teen: Okay, one beef bowl with extra beef coming right up.
Homer: *eating* Mhhm, here’s the beef.
Mr. Costington: Hey! Did you give that customer extra beef in his bowl for free?
Squeaky Voice Teen:Yes.
Mr. Costington: Then you’re fired!
Squeaky Voice Teen: Aw, man.
Kirk: Can I get my job back now?
Mr. Costington: No!
Kirk: Then I guess I’ll just have to win that race to become the next Santa!
Homer: You? The new Santa? You’ve got no chance. I’m the Tim Allen in this “Santa Claus” movie ripoff!
Kirk: Doesn’t Santa die in that movie?
Homer: He does. And it’s not weird at all.
Out Cold Pt. 3
Herb Tannenbaum: This is the scene of the crime. This is very triggering for me…You know, having also been attacked…So I’m going to step back and let you do your investigating…
Lisa: Sure, Herb. Thanks for all the help. And just so we’re clear: you’re definitely not one of our suspects.
Herb Tannenbaum: Thanks, Lisa. *leaves*
Lisa: He totally did it.
Marge: He is being awfully helpful. Too helpful.
Lisa: Maybe sentient Christmas trees are like that, though.
Marge: Yeah probably. Anyway, there’s not much to this crime scene, is there?
Lisa: Elementary, Watson.
Marge: But the only thing I can see is snow.
Lisa: You see? You do not observe, Watson. For example: a gentle brush of the snow reveals a wild array of footprints underneath which suggests a struggle. And as you can see, the bark on this juniper tree has, within it, broken bits of handblown glass.
Marge: Oh… I didn’t notice any of that.
Lisa: Because you were just looking, Watson. You must observe.
Marge: You’re kind of being mean.
Herb Tannenbaum: You guys find any clues or leads? Oh! My ornament!
Lisa: What ornament?
Herb Tannenbaum: It looks like the piece of broken glass you’re holding is from one of my most special ornaments. *sniffles* I feel like I’ve lost a part of me, because I did.
Lisa: I’m sorry, Herb. My Mom could still piece it back together for you. She’s really good at arts and crafts.
Herb Tannenbaum: Thank you, Lisa. If a part of your body fell off and broke into pieces, I’d help put it back together too.
Lisa: Ah, that’s so sweet. *whispering to Marge* Too sweet.
Marge: Let’s keep looking. There’s always some critical piece of evidence that gets overlooked. At least according to my crime podcasts.
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Lisa Get Out Her Magnifying Glass- 4hrs
Make Marge Try to Rebuild Herb’s Ornament- 4hrs
Collect Get-Well Cards- x150.
Lisa: Mom, how’s Herb’s ornament coming along?
Marge: It’s all back together, but it’s missing one last piece that I can’t find anywhere. I’m sorry, Herb.
Herb Tannenbaum: That’s okay. I’ll still wear it. *hangs the ornament on himself* It’ll represent me perfectly — broken, and missing a piece. *sniffles*
Marge: Do you want some Christmas cookies I made?
Herb Tannenbaum: Are any of them decorated to look like little Christmas trees?
Marge: Yes! They even have—
Herb Tannenbaum: Then no. Why would I want to eat something shaped like myself? Would you eat a cookie version of yourself?
Marge: I probably would…
Out Cold Pt. 4
Park Ranger: Welcome to Mt. Useful, everyone. If you are interested in becoming Santa for eternity — or until the moment you’re seriously injured — please sign up for the Santa Sleigh Race! And remember we’re all here to support Santa, and the best way to do that is to take his job from him while he’s hospitalized.
Homer: Yeah, screw that guy! Make way for the new generation of Santas!
Burns: Yes, to the new generation — me!
Homer: You? But you’re older than Santa.
Burns: Yes, but my hound-operated sleigh is the fastest in the world, so I’m going to win.
Homer: Dogs can’t pull a sled. That’s so dumb! All you have to do is throw a tennis ball and they’ll ride you off a cliff!
Burns: My hounds are well-trained and faster than ever, fat man. This summer, they trained with the Jamaican National Track and Field Team.
Homer: I’d be impressed if Usain Bolt was still on the team — but he retired because he’s old — like you.
Bart: Plus, we’ve got a snowmobile… Horsepower beats dogpower! Boom!
Burns: Oh, I forgot to mention. On top of having super-fast Jamaican-trained hounds, my sleigh is made of unicorn and dragon bones. And magic beats horsepower. So boom to you, sir!
Homer: Magic schmagic. *whispers* Bart, where can we buy magic from? Do they sell it at the mall?
Krusty: You’ll have to get past me and my sleigh first!
Bart: Krusty? You’re competing too?
Homer: Yeah, and what sort of sleigh power do you have? *fingers crossed* Not magic, not magic, not magic, not magic…
Krusty: My sleigh runs on the power of corporate sponsorships…
Krusty: …and super-concentrated expired burger meat!
Homer: We’re screwed!
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Park Ranger Oversee Race Sign-ups- 4hrs
Make Homer Rev the Snowmobile Aggressively- 4hrs
Make Bart Wax the Snowmobile Skis- 4hrs
Make Burns Win Olympic Gold With the Hounds- 4hrs
Make Krusty Fill His Sleigh With Expired Burger Meat Fuel- 4hrs
Collect Get-Well Cards- x150. 4hrs.
Park Ranger: If you’re here to schedule a sponsorship for the race, please check in with our business office in the visitor’s center.
Krusty: What? This race is taking other sponsors? We had a deal! My Krusty Burger sponsorship is exclusive!
Park Ranger: Yes, but sir, you tried to pay us in gift cards to your restaurant. And the contract states that you must pay us in money.
Krusty: Money schmoney! Krusty Burger gift cards have value! Sure, the points diminish every week, expire after a year, and you can’t use them on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Christian Holidays, and all the Jewish Holidays, even the obscure ones no one’s ever heard of.
Park Ranger: So…never?
Krusty: Look, why do you care so much about how I pay you? Isn’t the whole point of this race to support Santa because he got injured or whatever?
Park Ranger: Yes, and what better way to support him than by making tons of money off sponsors so we can finally afford our own presents and give that dude a break?
Out Cold Pt. 5
Herb Tannenbaum: Well, I think we’ve found everything we can find here at the crime scene. Where to next?
Lisa: Wait a second, is that…
Marge: Lisa, what’s wrong? Why are you staring at that Santa?
Herb Tannenbaum: *gasp* What?! Santa is back?!
Lisa: He looks different…
Santa Sideshow Bob: Ho-ho-ho! Lisa Simpson, didn’t anyone ever teach you it’s not kind to stare?
Marge: I’m so sorry, Mr. Santa. I don’t know what’s gotten into her. She just must be traumatized over what’s happened to you.
Lisa: Mom, this man is not Santa. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. *rips off Santa’s hat*
Santa Sideshow Bob: Unhand my hat, you star-headed scamp!
Marge: Sideshow Bob?! How dare you make fun of the shape of my daughter’s head! Also, who are you to talk with your ridiculous dreads!
Lisa: Yeah, you look like you just walked out of a Counting Crows concert in 1993.
SantaSideshowBob : Ooh, a burn that ninety percent of Tapped Out users are too young to get, even though The Counting Crows are clearly ubiquitous enough to make reference to.
Lisa: So, Sideshow Bob, what are you doing here? Turning yourself in? Because you’re obviously the one who hurt Santa!
Santa Sideshow Bob: *puts hat back on* Aw, Lisa, so sweet of you to point your finger at the ex-con with a history of random and specific acts of violence. But alas, I’ve turned over a new leaf. I have very little desire for murder and violence these days. I just don’t have the stomach for it anymore.
Marge: So why are you here dressed in Santa’s clothes?
Santa Sideshow Bob:I’m merely here for the role I was born to play: Kris Kringle at Santa’s Village. Would you keep an old man from earning a living?
Lisa: I don’t buy your “I turned a new leaf” act! Everything points to you: motive, proximity, and…well, motive!
Santa Sideshow Bob: Motive? What possible motive could I have?
Lisa: To take over for Santa and have an excuse to creep around inside people’s houses?
Santa Sideshow Bob: Pfft, that’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t…that’s… Actually, that’s not the worst idea.
Marge: Well, do you have an alibi for the night of the attack?
Santa Sideshow Bob: As a matter of fact, I do. I was serving time in the Springfield Penitentiary. I didn’t get out until the following morning.
Lisa: Man, everyone has such solid alibis these days…
Marge: Yeah, plus everyone’s got so much interesting stuff going on.
Lisa: How is jail interesting?
Marge: I don’t know. But if someone asked me for my alibi, I wish it’d be something cool! Instead it’d be something super boring like “doing the dishes”, or “picking up the kids from school”.
Santa Sideshow Bob: Let me tell you, Marge. You don’t want to end up in the slammer. Especially during COVID.
Marge: Yeah. You’re probably right, Sideshow Bob.
Lisa: Mom, don’t be so casual in front of Sideshow Bob — he’s our main suspect.
Santa Sideshow Bob: Ugh, really? It’s just so obvious. Bad guy does bad thing? What’s the twist?
Answer Christmas Trivia- x1
Make Lisa Fact Check Sideshow Bob’s Alibi- 4hrs
Make Marge Be Proud of Lisa’s Sleuthing- 4hrs
Make Herb Tannenbaum Tag Along- 4hrs
Collect Get-Well Cards- x175. 4hrs.
Lisa: I can’t wait to fact check Sideshow Bob’s alibi at the police station.
Marge: Whaaaa?! The police station’s closed?! How can that be possible?!
Lisa: We’re talkin’ about Wiggum. He closed the station for a week when the “Mad About You” reboot premiered.
Homer: He just wanted to catch up with Jamie and Paul.
Bart: Mabel’s all grown up and gone to college.
Marge: Bart, you’ve seen “Mad About You”?
Bart: Kids my age are super into the old shows that pop-up on streaming. Last week I discovered “Get Smart”, “Designing Women”, and something called “The Nightly News”.
Marge: Speaking of old TV shows. Look at this sign on the front of the police station.
Lisa: “OUT. REWATCHING LOST FINALE UNTIL I UNDERSTAND ENDING — CHIEF WIGGUM”
Wiggum: Oh man, that’s gonna take weeks to figure out!
Marge: Wiggum?! You’re here?
Wiggum: Yeah, I accidentally left the drunk tank open, so I came back to lock up.
Barney: It’s been open this whole time?
Marge: Chief Wiggum, can you confirm that Sideshow Bob was incarcerated on the night of the attack against Santa?
Wiggum: Yeah, I had Sideshow Bob in the slammer. Wait, what? There was an attack against Santa?
Lisa: You’re the police! You’re supposed to be investigating it!
Wiggum: Oh…right….yeah… I heard you two were trying to solve that whole Santa thing, so I thought I’d give you your space to handle it.
Marge: *annoyed grumble*
Wiggum: So can anyone just explain to me the end of “Lost”? It’d save me loads of time!
And that’s it my friends, the full dialogue for Act 1 of Holiday Whodunnit!
Thoughts on Act 1? Dialogue? Where do you think the story will head in Act 2? Who do you think attacked Santa? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!