Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Grab your Santa hats and break out the tinsel because it’s Christmas time in Springfield! Yes the annual TSTO Christmas event has arrived in our pocket-sized towns, covering our usual perfect weather towns with a fresh blanket of bright, white, snow!
While the Christmas event, and snow, are annual the structure of this event is anything but! This is the first major event in Springfield that’s structured like a mini-event. Christmas consists of 4 parts (or Acts), with each part lasting a week and taking us through a new part of the Simpsons Christmas Special!
With Act 1 (week 1) arrives two new premium characters, Kathy from Personnel and the Circus Acrobat. Each of these premium characters comes equipt with their own individual questlines, so let’s take a look at the full dialogue questline of each…
First up, Kathy from Personnel…
Knit Fits Pt. 1
Smithers: Hello, I’m here for the introductory knitting class?
Kathy: Please come in. I’ll be your instructor. My name is—
Smithers: Kathy from Personnel!
Kathy: Waylon Smithers. This here yarn store isn’t big enough for the two of us.
Smithers: You don’t scare me, yarnslinger. I came here for one reason — to make ugly scarves no one wants as slowly as possible. And I reckon to.
Kathy: You’ll be begging for mercy before the first purl stitch.
Smithers: We’ll just see about that. Icy silence, then?
Kathy: Icy silence it is.
Make Kathy Politely Ignore Smithers- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Make Smithers Glare at Kathy- 4hrs, Earn $260, 70xp
Krusty: Hey, hey! Let’s knit, ladies!
Helen Lovejoy: Krusty the Clown?! You’re a needle jockey?
Krusty: Nah. I heard the hipsters were into knitting, so I figured: there’s my next desperate attempt to stay relevant. Hey, what’s with the weird tension in the room?
Helen Lovejoy: Those two hate each other. It happens whenever a brash young thread-man saunters into town. There’s bound to be a knit-down.
Krusty: You just can’t avoid crazy in this town, can you?
Knit Fits Pt. 2
Kathy: And knit, and purl, and knit, and purl. Very good, Krusty!
Krusty: What are you seeing that I’m not, lady? I just sewed my arm to a tea cozy.
Kathy: Now, now. You’re making progress. Which is more than I can say for poor Waylon.
Smithers: I’m… not… giving up! Knit! Purl! Aaaugh!
Kathy: Is that a warp, or a weft? I honestly can’t tell!
Smithers: Those are parallel wales and courses, and you know it, you old bag!
Kathy: My, my, Krusty. It appears Mr. Smithers is losing his patience, doesn’t it? Any time you want to turn tail, Waylon, there’s the door.
Krusty: I am INSANELY attracted to you right now. That says something awful about my mental health, doesn’t it?
Make Kathy Demonstrate Knitting Technique- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Make Krusty Tie his Yarn in Knots- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Kathy: Very good, students. With the exception of Mr. Smithers, I see a room full of budding mittenists and sweateristos.
Smithers: Really, old timer? Because I just smocked a slip-stitch and half-clustered an entire row of Fair-Isle.
Kathy: *biggest gasp ever*
Helen Lovejoy: That’s… that’s impossible! I’ve never seen such raw talent!
Krusty: I don’t understand a word, yet I can’t tear my eyes off you glorious freaks!
Knit Fits Pt. 3
Kathy: Mr. Smithers! This lesson is for beginners only. I know a seasoned garter-stitcher when I see one.
Smithers: Sorry to disappoint you, but I’ve never clacked needles before today. It looks like human resources isn’t the only field in which you’re second-rate.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, the enmity! It’s manna from heaven for my damaged soul!
Krusty: Hey crazies — stop turning me on this instant! You’re all so bats, I don’t know who to fall in love with first!
Kathy: I’m going to step outside for a tea break. When I come back, Waylon, we will settle this the old-fashioned way. Cable knit sweaters at twenty paces.
Make Kathy Take a Tea Break- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Kathy: I challenge you to a duel, Mr. Smithers!
Smithers: Challenge accepted. Choose… your… pattern.
Kathy: Cable-knit crew necks. Size: extra-large.
Helen Lovejoy: Extra-large?! That’s too much! They can’t possibly survive!
Smithers: Very well. What color?
Helen Lovejoy: No! There’s not enough contrast! They’ll die for sure! Heavens! *faints*
Knit Fits Pt. 4
Kathy: Having trouble attaching your sleeves, Waylon? Looks like you cast off a little early? Or did you drop a half-slip on your basketweave cast on?
Smithers: Are you blind? I’m pulling left into a quarter-cluster on a mock-smocking stockinette Bainsley tiedown re-cross.
Kathy: But… that’s impossible!
Krusty: Anyone have the slightest clue who’s winning?
Helen Lovejoy: They’re knitting at a level I’ve only seen in the movies!
Kathy: I will not lose to this man! Eat my Farnsworth Reverse Studsley purl hitch-pull weekender moss-loop!
Krusty: SHE IS A GOLDEN GOD!!!!
Make Kathy Pitch a Knit Fit- 24hrs, Earns $1,000, 225xp
Helen Lovejoy: I… I don’t believe it. Two perfect sweaters, in under five minutes.
Krusty: I think they’re dead. They gave their lives for clothing no one will ever wear. Because they’re homemade. And who wants that?
Helen Lovejoy: Wait… I’m getting a pulse. Somehow, they’re both alive!
Knit Fits Pt. 5
Kathy: We could have died, Waylon. Is our rivalry really worth that?
Smithers: Logically, no. But a body needs a workplace enemy. For better or for worse, you’re mine.
Kathy: My god, you’re right. If I didn’t have you to loathe, I wouldn’t be so close with all my other coworkers. I suppose I should thank you.
Smithers: And I you.
Kathy: *stares meaningfully into his eyes*
Smithers: *returns her gaze with manly directness*
Make Kathy Passionately EmbraceSmithers– 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Make Smithers Be Swept Away in the Moment- 8hrs, Earns $42-, 105xp
Smithers: What the hell just happened?
Kathy: I… don’t know. I have to tell you, I’m gay.
Smithers: Me too. And proud of it.
Kathy: I guess when two people really, truly despise one another, the attraction is irresistible.
Smithers: That makes zero sense. Dumbest thing I ever heard.
Kathy: Go to hell, Smithers.
And we’ll conclude with the Circus Acrobat…
Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 1
Circus Acrobat starts
Sideshow Bob: Jean-Pierre, the circus is dying. I need your very best at tonight’s performance if we’re to turn things around.
Circus Acrobat: But I have lost the will to tumble and cavort. Without zese, the acrobat is meaningless.
Sideshow Bob: Granted, sure, but wouldn’t it be lovely to see this circus returned to its former glory?
Circus Acrobat: Glory is meaningless.
Sideshow Bob: A valid point. But I really, REALLY want to pack the audience full of Springfielders. So get out there and sell some tickets!
Circus Acrobat: I cannot do this. ‘Twould be humiliating to one such as I.
Sideshow Bob: Ah but one could argue, perhaps, that your pride is meaningless?
Circus Acrobat: Your logic, she is airtight. And very French. I will sell for you.
Make Circus Acrobat Wheel and Deal Around Town- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Sideshow Bob: Well done, Jean-Pierre! You’ve sold five tickets.
Circus Acrobat: I found ze humiliation very instructive. I am made greater by my suffering.
Sideshow Bob: Of course. Say, I know a local family that numbers five. You didn’t sell those tickets to… the Simpsons, perchance?
Circus Acrobat: Why? Is zere something special about ze Simpsons?
Sideshow Bob: Oh, no no no no no. I have no special plans for the Simpsons. Or their spirited son… Bart.
Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 2
Circus Acrobat starts
Sideshow Bob: Jean-Pierre! What’s happened to your act?! You can’t just sit in a chair and smoke clove cigarettes!
Circus Acrobat: I am not ze dancing bear, to perform for money.
Sideshow Bob: That’s EXACTLY what you are! Just… just swing on the trapeze a little!
Circus Acrobat: The trapeze is in ill repair. I could plummet to my death.
Sideshow Bob: So?! I thought you said life was meaningless?!
Circus Acrobat: You are wonderful at turning my intellectual posing against me. Very well. I trapeze.
Make Circus Acrobat Fail at the Trapeze- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Circus Acrobat: How am I still alive? The rope, she break. And I fall. Only to discover ze net is made of zilly ztring and does nothing.
Sideshow Bob: An unfortunate trained seal broke your fall. At any rate, the crowd loved it! Word of your exploits is certain to reach the Simpsons, and they will bring Bart to me.
Circus Acrobat: You realize when you say the name “Bart Simpson”, your eyes, zey, how you say, “bug out” a bit.
Sideshow Bob: Yes, well, never mind that. Perfectly sane of me. Let’s focus on putting you in even more peril tomorrow night!
Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 3
Circus Acrobat starts
Circus Acrobat: I am not qualified to tame ze lions!
Sideshow Bob: Nonsense, nothing to it. You and the lions will get along famously, provided you show not an ounce of fear.
Circus Acrobat: Zere-in lies the problem. Zhough I long for ze oblivion of death, I am, at the same time, a humongous coward.
Sideshow Bob: *gives a big push* In you go!
Make Circus Acrobat Run From Lions- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Circus Acrobat: It is true what zhey say about being mauled by lions: “ouch”.
Sideshow Bob: It was lucky I had these band aids for you, or that might have been serious.
Circus Acrobat: Tell me something: why is it so important to you to lure Bart Simpson to ze circus?
Sideshow Bob: So that I can kill him, of course!
Circus Acrobat: You wish to kill a child?
Sideshow Bob: Bart is HARDLY a child. He’s ten. Well within legal killing age.
Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 4
Circus Acrobat starts
Circus Acrobat: What did zhis Bart Simpson ever do to you?
Sideshow Bob: Plenty. For starters, he never lets me kill him. VERY frustrating…
Circus Acrobat: Okaaaayyy…. But what did he do to deserve death in ze first place?
Sideshow Bob: Well, he… uh, that is… funny, I can’t really remember… I’m sure it will come to me. Keep working on your act. Time is short, and our cause is a noble one!
Make Circus Acrobat Practice Death Defying Feats- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Circus Acrobat: I have decided — I will not use my circus skills to aid in Bart Simpson’s murder.
Sideshow Bob: Perhaps you will agree to use them if I point this gun at you?
Circus Acrobat: Sir, if you are asking me to choose my life over zhat of an innocent child, the answer is an enthusiastic yes!
Big Top Je Ne Sais Quoi Pt. 5
Circus Acrobat starts
Sideshow Bob: He’s here! Bart Simpson is in the audience! At last, my fingers will close ‘round his neck and choke the very life from–
Circus Acrobat: Murder, she will not bring you ze happiness, friend.
Sideshow Bob: “Friend”? If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to keep our relationship on a purely homicidal maniac/helpless pawn footing.
Circus Acrobat:I would have hoped for more, but under ze circumstances, I will take what I can get.
Sideshow Bob: I thank you. Truly. Have a great show.
Circus Acrobat: Have a great murder.
Make Circus Acrobat Perform at the Circus- 24hrs, Earns $1,000, 225xp
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson is gone! Just as I was to reach up from beneath his bleacher seat, the entire family left!
Circus Acrobat: Oui, monsieur. You forgot ze first rule of the circus: ze circus is dull, and anyone with half a brain walks out right quick. I think zhey had some alternate quests to complete, anyway. It is a busy month around here.
Sideshow Bob: When?! When will I have my revenge!
Circus Acrobat: As soon as TV audiences consider it a funny story for a grown man to kill a little boy, zhen you will have your revenge.
Sideshow Bob: Oh. So any day now!
And this concludes the two premium questlines for Week 1 of Christmas 2018!
Thoughts on the questlines? Did you buy Kathy or the Acrobat? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!