Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Grab your Santa hats and break out the tinsel because it’s Christmas time in Springfield! Yes the annual TSTO Christmas event has arrived in our pocket-sized towns, covering our usual perfect weather towns with a fresh blanket of bright, white, snow!
While the Christmas event, and snow, are annual the structure of this event is anything but! This is the first major event in Springfield that’s structured like a mini-event. Christmas consists of 4 parts (or Acts), with each part lasting a week and taking us through a new part of the Simpsons Christmas Special!
With Act 2 (week 2) arrives three new premium characters, Young Marge, Young Barney, and Don Brodka. Each of these premium characters comes equipt with their own individual questlines, so let’s take a look at the full dialogue questline of each…
First up, Gil’s newest offer…Young Marge
Roller Girl Riot Pt. 1
Young Marge starts
Young Marge: I didn’t know you liked roller skating, Artie.
Young Artie Ziff: Roller skating is dancing on skates, and dance is a language I speak fluently. Like the language of love!
Young Marge: Well, uh, sure. Just give me a second to remember how to do this…
Young Artie Ziff: Take all the time you need. Meanwhile, I will make sure every girl in here is jealous of you. Because you are the lucky consort of Roller Ziff!
Make Young Marge Nervously Try to Roller Skate- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Barney: Whoa, I think Artie Ziff is having a seizure. Maybe we should help him out.
Teenage Homer: Never mind him. Who’s the babe he’s with? She glides like a wobbly angel.
Young Barney: She’s a dish, all right. Maybe I should say hello.
Teenage Homer: Ooh, bad idea Barn. Remember how I explained that women don’t like you, for myriad valid reasons?
Young Barney: Oh, right. I forgot.
Teenage Homer: Whereas I am certified, primo babe-nip. I wish it were different, but that’s just the way of things.
Roller Girl Riot Pt. 2
Young Marge starts
Young Marge: I think I’ll take a little break, Artie. My ankles are sore.
Young Artie Ziff: You only get so many chances in life to skate with the Baryshnikov of the rink. Don’t let one pass you by!
Young Marge: I really need to sit.
Young Artie Ziff: I won’t let you miss out on me! *grabs Marge’s hand*
Young Marge: I said no! Quit bossing me around! I don’t need a man telling me what to do, I’m an independent woman!
Make Young Marge Assert Her Independence- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Young Artie Ziff: My dear, by asserting your independence, you only prove how desperately you require the guiding hand of a strong male.
Young Marge: *pushes Artie away * Why don’t you go take a lap to cool off!
Young Artie Ziff: *shrieks while sailing away* You’re making a grievous error!
Young Barney: That girl’s got real backbone.
Teenage Homer: She’s amazing! Stand back, Barn, and watch me win her heart!
Roller Girl Riot Pt. 3
Young Marge starts
Teenage Homer: Okay, Barn. The way I’m gonna win her heart is, you go up to her and tell her all about how great I am.
Young Barney: Whoa. You are one smooooooth operator, Homer.
Teenage Homer: I truly have all the right moves, don’t I?
Young Marge: I can’t believe that Artie Ziff, who does he think he is?!
Young Barney: Excuse me pretty lady, but can I tell you about a special young man in my life? His name is–
Young Marge: I’ve had it up to here with special young men, thank you!
Make Young Marge Ignore Young Barney- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Make Young Barney Have Flashbacks to All His Rejections- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp (Only applies if you have Young Barney)
Young Marge: By the time I get through with Artie Ziff, he’ll know the true meaning of an independent woman!
Teenage Homer: Barney, what happened? Did she sound interested when you talked me up?
Young Barney: I couldn’t get a word in edgewise! I’m sorry, Homer. I’m just not the ladies’ man you are.
Roller Girl Riot Pt. 4
Young Marge starts
Young Artie Ziff: Margery, if you’re prepared to offer me an apology, then I most graciously accept. Lucky you!
Young Marge: Me apologize? You have no respect for women!
Young Artie Ziff: You know perfectly well that I call myself a feminist. And if a smart guy like me considers Artie Ziff a feminist, he must be one! Clearly, society would crumble into the sea if women were allowed to operate free of men’s oversight.
Young Marge: If you honestly think you’re a feminist, you’ve got another thing coming.
Young Artie Ziff: “Think”. The expression is, “You’ve got another think coming.” Women.
Make Young Marge Debate About Feminism- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Young Artie Ziff: I guess we’re just two ardent feminists who don’t quite see eye-to-eye. Now take my hand and we’ll skate a lap of sisterhood.
Young Marge: Not until you admit that I just debated you into the ground.
Young Artie Ziff: I have never lost a debate, and CERTAINLY never to a girl.
Young Marge: That’s WOMAN to you! *pushes Artie as hard as she can around the rink*
Roller Girl Riot Pt. 5
Young Marge starts
Young Marge: I’m not going to let that…that little boy ruin my night! I’m a proud, independent woman, and the last thing I need is a man to show me how to skate!
Make Young Marge Skate Her Heart Out- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Teenage Homer: She’s just so beautiful, isn’t she? With that hair, and those legs, and that furious scowl…
Young Marge: Coming through! *knocks Homer down*
Young Barney: Whoa! Homer, are you all right?
Teenage Homer: Barney, I was just clotheslined by an angel. I’ve never been better!
Next, we move to Homer’s bestie…Young Barney
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 1
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: Welcome to my uncle’s chalet, Homer! Isn’t it great?
Teenage Homer: The word “chalet” implies a hot tub and girls who ski in bikini tops for some wonderful reason I can’t fathom. THIS is an ice fishing shack.
Young Barney: Well, sure, but if you like ice fishing–
Teenage Homer: Gonna stop you right there. I don’t. I don’t even like REGULAR fishing. Listen, my philosophy is: “whatever makes you happy is great. Except fishing, which is dumb and you’re dumb for liking it, ya dummy.” Just pass me a beer.
Young Barney: We don’t have any. Being drunk would impair our fishing skills, and we can’t have that!
Teenage Homer: I’m going to die out here.
Make Young Barney Prepare Ice Fishing- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Barney: We’re all set to fish! Hey, you okay, Homer? You’re turning kind of blue.
Teenage Homer: J-j-just t-t-trying not to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d… freeze to death.
Young Barney: You’ll feel better once you go completely numb.
Teenage Homer: Know what? You can go f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f… buzz off.
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 2
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: You just need to discover the peace of fishing. Now grab one of these worms and impale its still-living form on your razor-sharp hook.
Teenage Homer: I’m not going to kill some poor worm over fishing.
Young Barney: It’s already as good as dead. Nothing can survive in this cold.
Teenage Homer: WHICH IS WHY I WANT BEER! GIVE BEER!
Young Barney: What do we need beer for when we’ve got friendship?
Teenage Homer: That’s a false premise. Your actual options are A) beer AND friendship both; or B) no beer and pure animal hatred.
Make Young Barney Excel at Fishing- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Young Barney: Having fun yet, Homer?
Teenage Homer: *cracks open a beer* Sure am, Barn!
Young Barney: Hey! Where’d you find that?!
Teenage Homer: Dunno, but I have a theory. I think the universe just sort of wants me to be a drunk.
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 3
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: I was really hoping to get away from all the peer pressure around drinking for a few days.
Teenage Homer: Hey, don’t be sore, pal. You don’t have to drink. Unless you want to be cool.
Young Barney: Why would I turn myself into a pudgy, belching, idiot? I’ve got enough trouble getting girls as it is.
Teenage Homer: If it’s girls you want, you came to the right man. Let me teach you the basics of scoring with super-hot babes.
Make Young Barney Admire Young Homer- 1hr, Earns $105, 26xp
Teenage Homer: The most important thing to remember is that women and men are exactly the same.
Young Barney: *pulls out tiny pad of paper and pencil* Uh huh. Uh huh. Go on.
Teenage Homer: So when you talk to a girl, remember that she’s interested in sports, babes, and your personal ranking of the various guitar gods. And if she disagrees with you, tell her she couldn’t be more wrong, and that she should feel terrible about that.
Young Barney: All these years I’ve been trying to figure out what girls like. When it was right in front of my stupid face.
Teenage Homer: But the most important thing is to let them know, right up front, that you’re a chick magnet and women find you irresistible.
Young Barney: *writes in tiny pad of paper* Be a chick magnet.
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 4
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: I’ve clearly got a lot of work to do on myself before girls will like me.
Teenage Homer: Well, that’s certainly true. But you’ll feel better about it after a beer.
Young Barney: Where did THAT beer come from?
Teenage Homer: No idea. I just reach down my hand, like this, and– hey! There’s another one! Drink up, pal!
Young Barney: My Uncle says you should never bow to peer pressure.
Teenage Homer: A wise man. Now shut up and drink, or else.
Make Young Barney Try to Fit In- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Barney: Ew, beer is gross.
Teenage Homer: *hic* Keep at it pal. You’ll come around. *hic* I never want to drink anything else ever again. I hope my blood turns into beer. That way, if I get in a car accident, it’s like: “Quick, give this man a beer transfusion!” Boom! I’m drunker than ever.
Young Barney: Homer, I think you might have a problem.
Non-Alcoholic Whine Pt. 5
Young Barney starts
Young Barney: Come on Homer, let’s get you home. I think all this beer is damaging your brain.
Teenage Homer: *hic* Not the beer. Beer good. Cold bad. Homer still have toes?
Young Barney: Your toes? Yeah, they’re right there in your shoes.
Teenage Homer: *hic* What about fingers?
Young Barney: Actually, they’re a little blue. I think you’re getting hypothermia.
Teenage Homer: *belch* No chance. Homer nice and toasty warm now.
Young Barney: What I’m about to say to you goes with us to our graves – for your own safety, take off your clothes and hold me.
Make Young Barney Cuddle for Warmth- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Young Barney: Feeling any better, Homer?
Teenage Homer: Oh, god. How did it come to this? I swear, I am never drinking again. EVER….*cracks a beer* Eh, the universe wants what it wants
And finally Try-n-Save’s top notch security guard…Don Brodka
Anchors Away Pt. 1
Don Brodka: Well Don, this is the end of the line for you. I gave the Try-N-Save the best years of my life. Stopped a hundred shoplifters from committing heinous, grisly misdemeanors. All to wind up here. Taking the only job I could find — night guard at an anchor store. Sure, it’s the best anchor store in town. Hankerin’ for Anchorin’ and Anchor Notions just can’t compete. Still, it somehow feels like a step down.
Make Don Brodka Stare at Anchors- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Squeaky Voice Teen: Good morning, sir! How was the night shift?
Don Brodka: ‘Bout 3AM, a bird landed on the big anchor. I grabbed it for questioning, but it played dumb. I let it go with a warning.
Squeaky Voice Teen: Great Scott! The big anchor is missing! We’ve been robbed!
Don Brodka: What?! I’ve been staring at it all night! Who? Who could possibly make off with that massive anchor?!
Squeaky Voice Teen: I’ll tell you who. The man, the myth, the legend – The Sea Captain!
Anchors Away Pt. 2
Don Brodka: Sea Captain?! Why would HE want an anchor?
Squeaky Voice Teen: Uh, for his boat?
Don Brodka: Anchors are for boats? I guess I should have done some research before taking this gig.
Squeaky Voice Teen: They say the Sea Captain was raised by a kraken, and sails a ship made from the bones of lost sailors. Others say he’s a lonely former mailman who wears a captain’s hat as a conversation starter. Either way… spooky stuff!
Don Brodka: Kid, you need to lay off the glue. Let’s check out the surveillance tape.
Make Don Brodka Check Surveillance Footage- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Don Brodka: One minute the anchor is there, the next it’s gone! Impossible!
Squeaky Voice Teen: It’s the magic of the sea.
DonBrodka: There’s no such thing as sea magic. Only land magic. Magic stops at the shore, idiot. What do they teach you kids in school nowadays? Well, I am NOT getting fired twice in the same week. Let’s talk to this sea captain!
Anchors Away Pt. 3
Don Brodka: Kid, hang back while I shake down the old man. And watch out — once he knows we’re onto him, he may swallow the anchor to hide his crime.
Squeaky Voice Teen: It weighs twenty tons.
Don Brodka: I once cornered a shoplifter who swallowed three eyewitnesses before I could react. Your hardcore thieves are all first-rate swallowers.
Make Don Brodka Perform an Interrogation- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Make Sea Captain be One Slippery Fish- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Don Brodka: Sea Captain! Paid any visits to the anchor store lately?
Sea Captain: Yarrr. I, too, be interested in the disappearances there. Beware, Brodka. There’s deviltry afoot. Anchor Management be a cursed and wretched place.
Don Brodka: Uh-huh. By the way, is it true you used to be a mailman?
Sea Captain: Aye. Forty-three years I cruised the neighborhood of Elmwood Heights. ‘Tis a cursed and wretched place, too.
Don Brodka: Any places NOT cursed and wretched, you figure?
Sea Captain: Portland’s not TOO cursed and wretched. I been there one time. Good food, nice bookstores.
Anchors Away Pt. 4
Don Brodka: That salty dog as good as admitted he’s our man, but we need to catch him in the act.
Squeaky Voice Teen: You’re dealing with powers you can’t possibly understand, Mr. Brodka!
Don Brodka: The only thing that scares me is unsolved crimes. Spiders aren’t great, and the dream where I’m skydiving but my parachute won’t open is pretty bad, too. But mainly unsolved crimes.
Squeaky Voice Teen: *ack* He’s back! Returned to the scene of the crime to curse us with his nautical necromancy!
Don Brodka: Oh no he doesn’t.Tail him!
Make Don Brodka Tail a Shoplifter- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Squeaky Voice Teen: Five more anchors are missing!
Don Brodka: Sea Captain! Tell me what you know! No more riddles!
Sea Captain: I bet it never occurred to you to lick one of the anchors you guard, did it?
Don Brodka: I must be slipping. Usually, licking the merchandise is the first step in any serious investigation. *licks anchor* Hmm… tastes sweet. Is this… spun sugar?
Anchors Away Pt. 5
Sea Captain: Anchor Management been cutting corners, making their anchors not from steel, but from sugar.
Don Brodka: And every morning, the sprinklers dissolve the sugar-anchors! Why didn’t I think of that?!
Sea Captain: Probably because it’s a pretty dumb idea. Thanks to this evil, the yachts and powerboats of a hundred retired doctors have been set adrift, dashed on the rocks.
Don Brodka: Humanity… what a joke.
Make Don Brodka Struggle with the Weight of the World- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Don Brodka: I’m sorry I doubted you, Sea Captain.
Sea Captain: It’s not yer fault, lad. I never would have believed humanity capable of such evil, if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. I no longer understand the land world It’s time to return to the sea, and my fish girlfriend.
Don Brodka: You mean… you’re dating a mermaid?
Sea Captain: I meant exactly what I said.
And this concludes the three premium questlines for Week 2 of Christmas 2018!
Thoughts on the questlines? Did you buy Young Marge, Barney or Don? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!