Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Grab your Santa hats and break out the tinsel because it’s Christmas time in Springfield! Yes the annual TSTO Christmas event has arrived in our pocket-sized towns, covering our usual perfect weather towns with a fresh blanket of bright, white, snow!
While the Christmas event, and snow, are annual the structure of this event is anything but! This is the first major event in Springfield that’s structured like a mini-event. Christmas consists of 4 parts (or Acts), with each part lasting a week and taking us through a new part of the Simpsons Christmas Special!
With Act 3 (week 3) arrives two new premium characters, Young Abe and Young Artie Ziff. Each of these premium characters comes equipt with their own individual questlines, so let’s take a look at the full dialogue questline of each…
First up, America’s favorite yellow Grampa…Young Abe
Stranding Attention Pt. 1
Young Abe starts
Grampa: Kids, did I ever tell you about the time I stopped a mutiny aboard a World War II Navy aircraft carrier?
Lisa: Is this the one that ends with you wrestling Godzilla in Madison Square Garden?
Grampa: No, and that story wasn’t entirely true. See, I told you that one when I was younger and much more senile than I am now. No, this happened when I was a handsome, young buck, living my best Navy Life. I’d been assigned a top-secret mission by my Commander.
Young Grampa Simpson: I won’t let you down, sir! Tojo will be shaking in his boots when he sees what I’ve done!
Make Young Grampa Simpson Swab the Deck- 1hr, Earns $105, 26xp
Young Grampa Simpson: Mission accomplished, sir! Awaiting further instructions!
Grampa: That was when I saw a sight so horrible it will be forever etched in my memory.
Bart: *chanting* Dead body, dead body, dead body!
Grampa: A grown man suffering terrible food poisoning in the water closet!
Lisa: *ewww* Grampa!
Young Grampa Simpson: Sir! I will never forget your sacrifice! I’ll see that you get the Purple Heart for this!
Stranding Attention Pt. 2
Young Abe starts
Grampa: With my C.O. out of commission, that left me in command. I immediately set to the task at hand: becoming drunk with power.
Young Grampa Simpson: Here’s the situation, Abe. Some people achieve greatness, some people have greatness thrust upon them by undercooked chicken. Swabbing platoon B! I am assuming command! Report for duty!
Make Young Grampa Simpson Use His Commander Voice- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Grampa Simpson: Atten-hut! Men, your commanding officer is down. As of this moment, I am in charge. Some of you look at this deck and think: “Hey, that looks pretty well swabbed”. You think: “We’ve been swabbing for twelve hours, and Navy regulations require we be allowed to sleep”. But I look at this deck, and I think: “If I work these men even harder, maybe the boss will promote me, so screw these guys”. So whaddya say, men? Are you ready to sacrifice everything for my benefit? Hello? Men? *whistles* Yo, anybody out there?
Stranding Attention Pt. 3
Young Abe starts
Grampa: I was getting nowhere with these layabouts. It was time to properly motivate them.
Young Grampa Simpson: Alright boys, I’ve hidden the key to the Mess Hall. No one gets dinner until this deck shines like the Captain’s rear end after I’m done kissing it!
Grampa: Well, I’m proud to say the men respected my authority, and they fell right in line.
Make Young Grampa Simpson Run from Sailors- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Grampa Simpson: Boys, we can work this out! Why don’t you all put me down, and we can discuss fine tuning my management style?
Grampa: And that was when I learned that even if you’re in the middle of the ocean far from any discernable land mass… If you make the fellas mad enough, they’ll find a sand bar to strand you on.
Stranding Attention Pt. 4
Young Abe starts
Grampa: Stranded on a desert island by my crew, I knew I was facing the very real possibility of sunburn.
Lisa: Also thirst and starvation.
Grampa: That’s when my eyes fell upon my salvation: sharks. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: Yoo-hoo! Over here, sharks! First one to offer me a ride gets all the mutineers he can eat!
Make Young Grampa Simpson Get Jumped by the Shark- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Grampa: That was when I learned the terrible truth about sharks — they do not honor verbal contracts.
Young Grampa Simpson: Hey, I asked for a RIDE, you idiot shark. Not a mauling!
Stranding Attention Pt. 5
Young Abe starts
Grampa: So then the men rescued me and the rest of the story is really boring. The end!
Bart: Nuh-uh, Grampa. Any story you don’t want to tell us is one I want to hear.
Grampa: Fine. What’s a little more humiliation at my age anyway, just a drop in the ol’ catheter. *flashback harp*
Young Grampa Simpson: Now men, I realize we’ve had slight disagreements over my leadership style. But seeing as how you tried to kill me, and would love another crack at it, maybe I could make you dinner?
Make Young Grampa Simpson Peel Potatoes- 24hrs, Earns $1,000, 225xp
Young Grampa Simpson: This is the last time I’ll ever peel a potato! *flash-forward harp*
Grampa: And it was. From then on, I made my wife peel the potatoes. Until she left me. Then, no potatoes ever again. Man, I miss potatoes. Oh, right. And then I wrestled Godzilla in Madison Square Garden. The end.
Next on the list for week 3, the guy everyone loves to hate…Young Artie
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 1
Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, “public displays of affection” are detrimental to a high school’s mission, which is education. They should be outlawed and punishable by immediate expulsion.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well put, Artie. And now, taking the “pro” side in this debate… Marge Bouvier.
Young Marge: While my opponent makes some excellent points, he ignores the fact that we are inherently emotional beings.
Young Artie Ziff: Not all of us! As an evolved teenager, my thought processes are entirely logical.
Young Marge: We students are supposed to be learning about all aspects of life. And one of those is surely love.
Young Artie Ziff: Love is a chemical process in the brain designed to prompt organisms to reproduce. Right, my fellow teenagers?
Superintendent Chalmers: An insightful and chilling argument, Mr. Ziff. I’m impressed and disturbed.
Make Young Artie Try to Counter the Argument- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Artie Ziff:Seriously, Marge. I must have missed “Introduction to Love” in the school course guide.
Young Marge: If you’ve never experienced love, Artie, then maybe you don’t know EVERYTHING.
Young Artie Ziff: An interesting proposition. Very well. I shall open myself to the feeling of love. There! I have just retasked a region of my neocortex to run algorithms based on emotion, not logic. Oh my stars. Look at those waves of blue hair. Look at those limpid eyes. Marge Bouvier is the embodiment of perfection!
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 2
Young Artie Ziff: What’s come over me? Yesterday I was just your average, unfeeling, smartest teenager in the world. Today my heart is pounding! I hear music that defies all description! Everywhere I look, Marge Bouvier is there. I’m lost! A Ziff adrift!
Young Marge:I enjoyed our debate today, Artie! You’re really smart.
Young Artie Ziff: I-I-I-I. Oh. Hmm. That is… er… der… duh… duuuuhhhhh….
YoungMarge : …
Young Artie Ziff: Guuuuhhhhhh…
Make Young Artie Be Tongue-Tied for the First Time- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Marge: Are you okay, Artie?
Young Artie Ziff: For the first time in my life, yes! How shall I put this? My Young Marge: Uh, okay! Whatever that means! Like I said, you’re a real smart guy. See ya around!
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 3
Young Artie Ziff: Get your head together, Ziff! Find something to take your mind off Marge. Perhaps I should prove the Riemann hypothesis? No, too easy. I need something meatier…I could perfect my cold fusion device. No, the last thing the world needs is limitless clean energy…What about some painting? Ah, yes. Painting, like joke writing, is truly mankind’s most complete waste of time. Out into the garden for some fresh air and sunlight!
Make Young Artie Be Creatively Creepy- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Young Artie Ziff: *sigh* Painting is no use. Even my highly refined brushwork and impeccable gouache cannot capture Marge’s beauty. If I cannot escape her siren call, then I must make her mine. I wonder if she knows how lucky she is to have won the heart of Artie Ziff?!
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 4
Superintendent Chalmers: Artie, Marge. I want a good clean debate today. No mocking each other.
Young Marge: Why would I mock Artie?
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, like you, he takes debate class, which makes him a tremendous nerd. Again, like you. Anyway… get us started, Artie.
Young Artie Ziff: Thank you, Mr. Chalmers. Beautiful Margery, prepare to experience the greatest joy a woman can know…Having a man tell her she’s wrong about everything!
Make Young Artie Dominate at Debate- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Young Artie Ziff: In conclusion, let me reiterate that string theory, though a useful thought experiment, is ultimately unverifiable and therefore moot!
Superintendent Chalmers: Marge, rebuttal.
Young Marge: I… I thought we were debating whether pollution was bad?
Young Artie Ziff: Well, yes. But I thought you deserved to be dazzled by my grasp of abstract mathematical theory. You’re welcome!
Young Marge: Actually, I was… a little bored.
Young Artie Ziff: By Artie Ziff? Impossible!
Ziff it to the Limit Pt. 5
Young Artie Ziff: Margery, I have wonderful news. I’m… interested in you. Congratulations! You are hereby approved to date me, Artie Ziff.
Young Marge: Oh. Uh, Artie, I didn’t realize your feelings ran that way…
Young Artie Ziff: Well, they do! Your every wish is thus fulfilled, and your future is assured. You will not die alone. How splendid for you!
Young Marge: Gee, I’m really not sure I’m interested…
Young Artie Ziff: Then you soon shall be! Behold, the full glory of Artie Ziff!
Make Young Artie Dance Like Marge is Watching- 24hrs, Earns $1,000, 225xp
Young Artie Ziff: *panting* Shall we… shall we start planning the wedding?
Young Marge: You seem very sure of yourself.
Young Artie Ziff: Wouldn’t you be, if you were me? Of course, if you WERE me, we’d make an even cuter couple!
Young Marge:…I’m sorry, Artie. But the man I marry will be a gentleman AND a scholar. And he’ll have a full head of hair and washboard abs. *walks off*
Young Artie Ziff: *yelling down the hall* You’ll come around, Margery! Oh yes, you will! Or my name isn’t Artie Ziff!
And this concludes the two premium questlines for Week 3 of Christmas 2018!
Thoughts on the questlines? Did you buy Young Abe or Artie? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!