Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Happy December! You know what that means? Christmas is starting now… Although before we can talk Christmas, we need to wrap up the Northward Bound mini-event. So…
We’re in the final few hours of the Northward Bound mini-event, and now that it’s nearly over it’s time to take a look back at all the fun dialogue from this mini-event…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast!
So here’s a look back at the full dialogue for the main questlines of the Northward Bound mini-event…
Second Fiddle Pt. 1
Brockman: …with the melting of the polar ice caps and the opening of the Northwest Passage, Canada now has a new shipping lane which will allow its international trade to increase dramatically.
Homer: See, Lisa, climate change isn’t all bad. It’s been good for Canada.
Lisa: Yes, Dad, the impending end of our existence on Earth does have a benefit for Canada. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer country.
Homer: Pfft. They’ll never be as great as America.
Lisa: But, Dad, technically Canada is in America.
Homer: Since when? I thought Puerto Rico was supposed to be the next state.
Lisa: Canada isn’t a state. It’s in America the same way that Mexico is in America.
Homer: What?! Canada brought Mexico in with it? This is a geographic catastrophe of hemispheric proportions! I must report this to the local authorities.
Make Homer Resent Canada- 6s
Make Lisa Be Happy for Canada- 6s
Second Fiddle Pt. 2
Homer: Mr. Mayor, we have a problem. It’s Canada.
Quimby: Is she pregnant? It’s not mine. My son and I have the same DNA, I swear.
Homer: I believe you…but Canada is not a woman. It’s the newest threat to our lives and livelihoods. And our newest state.
Quimby: Our newest what—?
Homer: Canada has opened the Northwest Passage and that’s going to jeopardize our position as the number one country in the whole world.
Quimby: I, er, highly doubt that. And even if it’s true, would it be so bad to be number two in the whole world?
Homer: Name one silver medalist, ever.
Quimby: Sure. There was that one guy, uh, what was his name again…
Homer: And don’t forget about the foam finger industry!
Quimby: Dear God, you’re right! We can’t be number two. Think of the bathroom jokes at our expense.
Homer: *titters* I can’t think of anything else now.
Quimby: I’ll call an emergency town meeting. Tell my secretary to make the necessary arrangements. And to sell all my stock in foam finger companies. Wait, what are you doing?
Homer: What all American patriots do when their country is at risk nowadays; dress up like Uncle Sam and yell at strangers.
Make Homer Protest Something About Canada- 6s
Make Quimby Call a Town Meeting- 6s
Quimby: People of Springfield, we are at a crossroads. Canada’s Northwest Passage threatens to make it more important than the U.S.A. Will we stand back and let Canada have its day for a change or will we stand up and fight?
Herman: I say we send those commies to an early grave!
Quimby: To be clear, Canadians are not communists. They’re more socially liberal than us on many issues but—
Herman: Send those social liberals to an early grave!
Quimby: Look, in my experience, most Canadians are nice people who don’t really deserve to be randomly murdered. We just need a response to their opening of the Northwest Passage.
Moe: What about that land to the East of Springfield Heights?
Quimby: What about it?
Moe: Well, I mean…did anyone notice the other day when it suddenly changed a whole bunch? I dunno, seems kinda important is all…
Frink: By my calculations the area surrounding our town has been transformed, with the growing and the expanding and the new landhoiven!
Lisa: New land? That sounds like it’ll free up lots of space for all the buildings and decorations in town.
Grampa: Who cares about that?
Lisa: Don’t you read the forums?!
Quimby: The six-year-old girl is right again! We shall embark on a journey and create a new passage, the NorthEAST Passage!
Lisa: Thank you… But I’m eight.
A Fail of Two Cities Pt. 1
Connie Appleseed: I’m told that your town needs a guide through the lands to the North.
Homer: Oh great, another Lisa costume.
Lisa: At least it’s not another Homer costume. I think we’ve lost count of how many of those there are.
Homer: What can I say? The people want what the people want.
Connie: I’ll have you know I’m a completely separate character.
Homer: The next thing I know, you’ll have me reading a book and not eating something I love.
Connie: Actually, pioneering doesn’t leave me much time to read, unless it’s a map.
Homer: A Lisa who doesn’t like books?! This changes everything. I will answer your noble call for volunteers to make this deadly trek.
Connie: I wasn’t asking for volunteers. It’s too dangerous to bring outsiders. Also, my name is Connie, not Lisa. And don’t eat buffalo.
Quimby: I’m sorry, little girl, but a resident of Springfield needs to accompany you in order for the town to legally lay claim to the Northeast Passage.
Connie: Fine, but I will not be held responsible for their deaths if they don’t survive the journey.
Quimby: Hmm. In that case, we better send three.
Make Quimby Ask for Volunteers- 4hrs
Make Homer Volunteer- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Volunteer- 4hrs
Make Moe Volunteer- 4hrs
Collect Wagon Wheels- x195
Connie: Did everyone pack supplies like I asked?
Moe: Yep. I got a month’s worth of booze ready for travel.
Homer: And I picked up two family packs from Krusty Burger, which should work out great because these burgers are already a month old!
Wiggum: And I brought all the extra ammo we had in the armory. I hope nothing in Springfield needs shooting while we’re gone.
Connie: That’s it?! What about medicine, water or clothing?
Moe: I said I had a month’s worth of booze.
Wiggum: Look, we all played the computer game simulation of this as kids, and everyone knows that all you need for this trip are bullets. Everything else we’ll just find glowing next to a bush.
Homer: Nature always provides.
Connie: Which way to the general store?
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart? There must be at least one around here. Sometimes there are dozens.
A Fail of Two Cities Pt. 2
Connie: Help me load up the wagon. That Kwik-E-Mart was well stocked. And the proprietor repeatedly thanked me and asked me to return.
Homer: What is all this stuff?
Connie: This “stuff” is what’s going to keep us alive.
Wiggum: Cool, a dartboard! I didn’t even think about entertainment, good call Connie.
Connie: That’s a spare wagon wheel, not a dartboard.
Moe: And what’s this, more booze? Then why was you giving me a hard time about bringing two barrels of Duff?
Connie: This is whiskey. It’s the closest thing they had to medicine.
Homer: Just what the doctor ordered.
Make Connie Appleseed Embark on the Journey- 4hrs
Make Homer Drink MedicinalWhiskey– 4hrs
Make Wiggum Play Darts with the Spare Axle- 4hrs
Make Moe Serve Drinks- 4hrs
Collect Wagon Wheels- x155
Homer: So, Connie, tell me…is it true that there are donuts growing in them thar hills of the Northeast Passage?
Connie: What? No, that’s absurd.
Homer: But that was the whole reason I volunteered!
Moe: I thought you volunteered to help keep U.S.A. number one?
Homer: Well, yeah. And donuts, too.
Cookie: A hearty meal’ll cure what ails ya.
Homer: Ahh! Who the heck are you?
Connie: That’s Cookie. He’s our chuckwagon cook. I should have introduced you earlier, he mostly stays in the back of the wagon until dinner time.
Cookie: Pleased to meet ya. Now, this is gonna be a long and grueling trip, so who’s up for some grub?
Homer: Me, me! I’ll take a ribeye, medium rare, a lobster tail, and a double portion of fries. And for dessert…how’s your tiramisu?
Cookie: I gots biscuits and I gots beans.
Homer: This is going to be a long and grueling trip.
A Fail of Two Cities Pt. 3
Cookie: The food, it’s all gone!
Connie: What? That’s impossible!
Moe: Yeah, all I ate was the beans.
Wiggum: *waves hand in front of face* We know.
Homer: And all I ate was the flour.
Connie: That was all the food we had! Those supplies were supposed to last us an entire month!
Wiggum: No problem. *fires shot* I just bagged us a buffalo.
Connie: But…we’re miles from the nearest buffalo herd.
Wiggum: What about the ones pulling our wagon?
Connie: Those are our oxen! And we need two to pull this wagon.
Wiggum: Relax. The one that’s left will pull twice as hard. Now that he’s seen what happened to his buddy.
Make Connie Appleseed Make Do With One Ox- 4hrs
Make Homer Look for More Flour- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Show off His Ox- 4hrs
Make Moe Be Impressed- 4hrs
Connie: Let me get this straight. In just the first week of our journey you ate all our supplies AND you murdered one of our oxen?
Wiggum: I prefer to say “bagged”. It’s much less police-y.
Connie: Well, we have no choice but to turn back and restock at Pone, Pelts and Beyond.
Homer: Oh no, I’m not going back. It’s the Northeast Passage or bust.
Connie: I’m telling you, we’re in no shape to finish this journey in our current state. We should head back and restock.
Homer: Relax, we still have loads of ammo, and if there’s a problem guns can’t fix, I haven’t met it and shot it yet.
One Week Later…
Cookie: Come getcha breakfast, y’all. We’re having ox sausage, huevos oxaleros, and fresh-squeezed Ox-J.
Moe: Ugh, if I gotta eat ox one more time…
Cookie: Gimme a break, city dude. They didn’t teach us a lot of ox recipes at Le Cordon Bleu, Paris.
Connie: Besides, ox meat is healthier for you than beef from a factory farm cow.
Homer: *spits* This is health food?! Yuck, I’d rather starve.
A Fail of Two Cities Pt. 4
Connie: Look, up ahead! A herd of buffalo! Now, please, just enjoy their majesty before you—
Homer: *shoots rifle*
Connie: So much for majesty.
Homer: They sure die with majesty. *shoots rifle* Bam, got another one!
Wiggum: Nice shootin’, Simpson. But get a load of this. *shoots rifle*
Homer: You killed two with one bullet!
Connie: Why are you both still shooting them? You’ve killed—
Connie: —bagged more than we can eat in a year.
Wiggum: Nobody said anything about eating them. They’re just fun to shoot. *shoots rifle* Majestic!
Make Homer Shoot More Buffalo- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Shoot Even More Buffalo- 4hrs
Make Connie Appleseed Lament Bringing Volunteers- 4hrs
Collect Wagon Wheels- x115
A Fail of Two Cities Pt. 5
Connie: There’s the bridge to the Northeast Passage. We made it!
Moe: Look across the canyon over there. Are those donuts growing up out of the ground?
Homer: I knew it! There ARE donuts in them thar hills. In your FACE, Connie Applecore!
Wiggum: We discovered a new frontier. Time to celebrate, everyone! Quick — grab a gun and shoot the closest buffalo!
Moe: Hold on, Wiggy, I think you’s gonna have to put a cork in your musket, ’cause it looks like the bridge is out.
Connie: Moe’s right. How are we going to get across?
Wiggum: You leave that to me, little lady. *uses police radio* I’m gonna need the chopper over here at the bridge to the Northeast Passage. Also, a cup of coffee would be great, too. Make it a grande. Over.
Connie: You can’t get a signal out here. We’re in the middle of nowhere.
Wiggum: So, no coffee?
Homer: But, but, the donuts! All-natural donuts! We can’t just leave them there! We have to do something!
Moe: It’s not like we can just jump across. What are we supposed to do?
Homer: I’ve got an idea. Guys, what’s the one thing that’s gotten us out of trouble at every turn on this trip?
Wiggum: The copious amounts of ammo we brought?
Homer: Close. The buffalo! It’s time for nature to provide once more…
Make Connie Appleseed Survey the Area- 4hrs
Make Homer Toss Buffalo Carcasses Into the Canyon- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Think About Coffee- 4hrs
Make Moe Cheer Homer On- 4hrs
Collect Wagon Wheels- x155
Connie: What are you doing?!
Homer: Isn’t it obvious? I’m making a buffalo bridge. Though we’re almost out of buffalo and the canyon isn’t nearly full, so clearly nature has its limits.
Connie: Stop! Killing! Buffalo!
Wiggum: This one here was a long-horned sheep, to be fair.
Homer: Yeah, see? We don’t just kill indiscriminately.
Wiggum: That’s right, we kill with plenty of discrimination. No wait, that doesn’t sound good either.
Connie: I have an idea. How about we use conventional tools to, oh, I don’t know, REPAIR the bridge?!
Homer: Sounds like a lot of work.
Connie: Fine. You three just sit here and don’t do anything while I figure this out.
Homer: *moaning* And no killing? Sheesh. The things I do for the sake of all-natural donuts.
Make Homer Pout About Not Killing Buffalo- 4hrs
Make Connie Appleseed Think of a Plan- 4hrs
Brave New World Pt. 1
Connie: Alright, I think I can fix this bridge with some wood and nails.
Homer: So…who are you?
Connie: I’m Connie Appleseed. Don’t you remember? We took a grueling journey together to get here to the new frontier?
Moe: Homer’s delirious. He’s been living off buffalo meat and T-shirt drippings for a month now. Wait, so have I. Who are you?
Connie: *sigh* Homer, on the other side of this broken bridge, there are donuts.
Homer: Really? Then what are you waiting for?
Connie: Wood and nails.
Wiggum: Where are we going to find wood and nails in the middle of nowhere? Also, who are you?
Moe: Hey, look! Springfield Heights is just over there. I’m sure they’s got a few shops for stuff like that.
Homer: Springfield Heights? I haven’t been there in years. I wonder if they serve buffalo?
Make the Group Find Wood- x15
Make the Group Find Nails- x15
Brave New World Pt. 2
Moe: Okay, here’s ya wood and nails. Don’t ask where we got it.
Connie: All the wood is stamped with the “SHØP” logo. And half these “nails” are metric Allen wrenches. Did you steal this stuff?
Wiggum: Hey, it’s not stealing if you can’t afford it. Oh wait, maybe it is. Good thing store security didn’t see us. Those guys are mean.
Connie: Well, at least we’ve got the materials needed to repair the bridge. Now, here’s how you fix it…
Homer: You want US to fix it? I thought you were gonna do that.
Connie: No, I’m going to show you how to do it. You’re about to enter a new frontier and you’re going to need to learn some survival basics like this to make it out there.
Homer: Who needs survival basics when you have guns? Remember all the buffalo we shot on the way here?
Connie: Maybe you should try shooting the bridge until it’s fixed.
Homer: Worth a try. *cocks rifle*
Connie: I was being sarcastic! Just take this hammer and nail these boards together..
Homer: First we don’t get to shoot anything, and now we have to do manual labor? Worst. Frontier. Ever.
Make the Group Fix the Bridge– x3, 4hrs
Brave New World Pt. 3
Connie: We did it! Welcome to the new frontier! Great job, everyone.
Wiggum: And look, there are donuts growing out of the ground!
Homer: Sweet, sweet all-natural donuts…
Moe: Let’s go get ’em before anyone else notices the bridge is fixed.
Connie: Not so fast. It looks like we’ll need to prospect those land tiles before we can reach them.
Homer: Aww, more work? Game designers are monsters.
Connie: We can use this prospector’s shack to acquire the maps we’d need. Once we have enough, we can unlock another land tile.
Make the Group Prospect the New Frontier- 8hrs
Brave New World Pt. 4
Homer: Wow, this new frontier is great. Donuts as far as the eye can see!
Connie: And look at all of the incredible natural discoveries to be made!
Wiggum: And look at the new buffalo we can shoot!
Moe: And look at all the new land for grazing my illegally imported pandas.
Moe: I mean, look at all the new land for grazing buffalo we can shoot!
Connie: *double grumble*
Moe: Hey, I don’t even know why I came on this trip. Lord knows what Barney did to my bar while I was gone.
Make Homer Marvel at all the Donut Veins– 4hrs
And that’s it my friends, the full dialogue for this fun mini-event!
Thoughts on the dialogue? New land? Prizes? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!