Tragic Magic Full Dialogue: The Greatest Trick Ever Performed

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we always do when an event winds down, it’s now time to take a look at the hilarious dialogue for this event…just in case you missed it by tapping to fast.

So here’s the full dialogue for the Tragic Magic mini-event main questline…

Party Woes

Homer: Marge! Wake up! It’s Thursday! They’re coming!
Marge: Homer, the garbage men come every Thursday morning…
Homer: Bart! Lisa! GET UP!
Bart: Do you have to wake us up every time the stupid garbage gets picked up?
Lisa: Yeah, if anything, wake me up for the recycling or compost.
Homer: None of you appreciate the miracle of the garbage men…
Bart: And we’re fine continuing to live out our days not appreciating it.
Homer: Garbage men are civilization’s most prized individuals!
Bart: Yawn.
Homer: For millions of years, they’ve gone house to house, cave to cave, while humanity sleeps…
Bart And Lisa: …they pull up to our curbs, and take away all of our most-foul junk.
Bart: We know! You say this every week!
Lisa: *pointing outside* Wait, what’s that giant box they’re throwing into their truck?
Marge: Oh no! They’re throwing away the bouncy house for Maggie’s birthday party!
Lisa: The delivery guy must have left it too close to the trash bins!
Homer: Garbage men are supposed to take all the old crap we don’t want, not the new crap we NEED! Give us back our crap!
Bart: Whoa! Now they’re smashing it all together in their trash smusher thingy!
Marge: Now what are we going to do for Maggie’s birthday? The party’s in 3 hours!
Bart: Just cancel it. She won’t remember.
Maggie: *suck suck*
Homer: That’s true. You never remembered us blowing off your first birthday.
Bart: Wait, what?!
Lisa: Well… I could always put on a little magic show for Maggie. Kids love magic!
Marge: Oh, that’d be wonderful, Lisa!
Lisa: Hmm… I wonder where I left my magician’s outfit…
Make Lisa Look for Her Magician’s Outfit. 6s
Make Homer Chase After the Garbage Truck- 6s
Make Bart Search for Photos of His 1st Birthday Party- 6s
Lisa: Woo-hoo! I found my magician’s outfit!
Marge: Was it in the attic like I said?
Lisa: No. It just magically appeared! One second it wasn’t here, and then it just popped up out of thin air!
Marge: Is this part of your magician’s act?
Lisa: My act?! Oh no! I forgot that I have to perform in front of all these kids! Ugh, it’s been ages since I did magic. What if I’m terrible at it?
Homer: Ooh, I’d be worried if I were you — kids these days are the harshest critics.
Lisa: Um, thanks?
Homer: But… these kids are way too young to speak, so it’s not like they can heckle you off the stage or anything.
Lisa: Well, that’s a relief.
Homer: They might throw their pacifiers at you though, and maybe even some diapers…
Marge: Don’t listen to him, honey. The only thing you have to worry about is making sure that your sister has the best birthday ever!
Lisa: Wow, you guys are really terrible at boosting my confidence.

The Greatest Trick Ever Performed Pt. 1

Bart: Mom, Maggie’s birthday is so boring! Plus, Milhouse and I were planning to take photos of Skinner’s Prius and sell it online.
Marge: Bart, you’re staying put until the end. Also, you have to stop selling people’s cars without them knowing!
Bart: Hey! When I put Apu’s car in the classifieds without him knowing, it sold way above its Blue Book value. He even gave me a commission!
Marge: Shh… Lisa’s magic show is about to start.
The Great Simpsina: Gather ’round and witness the spectacle of magic!
Maggie: *suck suck*
Hudson: *suck suck*
The Great Simpsina:  Presto! The rings, once separate, are now… …linked together!
Maggie: *excited clapping*
Hudson: *excited clapping*
Baby Gerald: *tries to pull apart his unibrow*
Marge: I’m so proud of my little birthday girl. Maggie’s having the best time!
Courtney: Yeah, and Hudson is having an amazing time too! I’m surprised, Marge. You seem to have actually put on a pretty good party.
Marge: Thanks, Courtney…
The Great Simpsina: And now, I need a volunteer. Who shall I pick?
Maggie: *waves frantically*
The Great Simpsina: You — the little lady with the red pacifier!
Maggie: *crawls forward*
The Great Simpsina: You will help me with my greatest trick yet!    I shall summon a horrifying monster from the great beyond, and you will banish it by throwing this mystical powder at it!
Maggie: *suck suck*
Make Lida Summon the Lard-Beast of Donuth- 4hrs
Make Maggie Banish the Beast- 4hrs
Make Hudson Watch and Be Amazed- 4hrs
Make Marge Grumble About Courtney’s Presence- 4hrs
Collect Magic Wands- x185. 4hrs
The Great Simpsina: Behold, The Lard-Beast of Donuth!
Maggie: *suck suck* *throws the mystical powder*
Homer: AHH! Wait, is this…powdered sugar? Mmm… disappearing sugar…
The Great Simpsina: Begone, beast! *puff of smoke*
Maggie: *suck suck*
Homer: *eating noises*

The Greatest Trick Ever Performed Pt. 2

Marge: You did so well, Lisa! Maggie was so happy!
Lisa: Aww, thanks Mom.
Cregg Demon: The Great Simpsina! *puff of smoke*I’ve been waiting under this magical couch for you to return to the stage.
Lisa: Cregg Demon, the Magicfreek? How long have you been under there?
Cregg Demon: Long enough to sit through Homer attempt and reattempt to “get into” HBO’s “The Wire” only to give up around the 3rd episode each time.
Homer: People keep telling me it’ll get good by episode 5, but why don’t they just start there then?
Cregg Demon: Anyway, now that you, The Great Simpsina, have returned to the stage, it’s time to settle the ultimate question: which of us truly is the best magician?
Lisa: Um, well, you’re definitely better… I mean, I’m pretty good, but you’re a professional and have your own TV show and Vegas residency…
Cregg Demon: Well, I, Cregg Demon, challenge you to a magic-off! We will each perform our greatest trick and see who can Magicfreek the hardest!
Homer: Abracadab-D’OH!
Bart: Shouldn’t it just be “Abraca-D’oh”?
Homer: D’OH!
Make the Great Simpsina Perform Her Hardest Magic Trick- 4hrs
Make Craig Demon MAGICFREEK Everyone- 4hrs
Make Marge Worry This Isn’t Appropriate- 4hrs
Collect Magic Wands- x150. 4hrs
Homer: So… Mr. Demon, if I give you a dollar, will you turn my glass of water into an ice-cold Duff?
Cregg Demon: Dude, I’m not Jesus.
Homer: I knew it! You CAN’T even do magic!
Cregg Demon: Fine, here’s some magic for you… MAGICFREEK!
Donut Homer: What?! You turned me into a donut! Now I’ll have to stop me from eating me for the rest of my life! Mmmm… toroidal quandary…
Cregg Demon: MAGICFREEK!
Homer: Aw man, now I’m just a middle-aged loser again. Lisa, can you cheer me up by turning my water into a beer?
The Great Simpsina: Uh, I can try. Presto Beer-o?
The Great Simpsina: Nothing happened? Presto Beer-o! Nothing again? Okay, maybe this time — PRESTO BEER-O!
Homer: Lisa! It’s still water! Magic sucks.
The Great Simpsina: Oh no! Maybe I have the magical yips!
Cregg Demon: Or… never had the skills in the first place. You know, I expected to win, but not to be bored doing it.

The Greatest Trick Ever Performed Pt. 3

Lisa: I don’t know why I agreed to compete against Cregg Demon! He’s a professional magician! There’s no way I’m going to beat him!
Homer: You WILL beat him! You’re going to wipe that smug eyeliner off that magicfreek!
Selma: Strong words, Homer.
Patty: Yeah, but you know what speaks louder than words?
Homer: Louder words?
Selma: Actions.
Homer: Who let the vampire twins into the house?
Selma: We’re coded into the game. We can appear in and out of your little quests whenever we want! See? Disappear! Appear!
Patty: Anyway, it seems that Lisa is in the need of our Aunty advice.
Lisa: I’ll take anything!
Selma: There’s a woman who might be able to give you your magic back. And yes, she takes Venmo and Zelle.
Lisa: What’s Zelle?
Selma: Nobody knows… Lisa, go see Princess Opal. She’s a bit strange, but trust us — she’ll sort everything out.
Patty: And worst case, she’ll give you a fun tarot reading.
Lisa: Okay, I guess I can try it out, but only as long as you guys come with me.
Patty: It’s a deal!
Homer: So this means you’ll all leave?
Patty: Disappear!
Homer: Finally, some peace and quiet. Maybe I should try watching “The Wire” — it has to be good this time!
Patty: Appear! It gets good around episode 5.
Homer: D’OH!
Make Lisa Visit Princess Opal’s- 4hrs
Make Selma Take Lisa to Princess Opal’s- 4hrs
Make Princess Opal Be Thankful for Distraction- 4hrs
Collect Magic Wands- x150. 4hrs
Princess Opal: Welcome to “Princess Opal’s Potions, Hexes, and Fax Machine.”
Lisa: I guess she couldn’t predict the demise of the fax machine.
Princess Opal: Hey! I heard that! I’d change the sign, but it’s canon.
Patty: Princess Opal, Lisa here is in need of a confidence boost. She is a great magician, but she can’t access her magic.
Princess Opal: Mm, sounds like a case of low self-esteem.
Selma: Can you help her?
Princess Opal: Probably not. My potions are 85% corn syrup and 15% high-fructose corn syrup, so there’s very little chance they do anything.
Patty: What if I Zelle you $50?
Princess Opal: What’s Zelle?
Selma: It says on your website you accept it, along with Venmo…
Princess Opal: Really? Never heard of it. But what I have heard of is cold, hard, cash.
Selma: Okay, I’ll try to find an ATM.
Princess Opal: Come on Lisa, let’s get your magic back.

The Greatest Trick Ever Performed Pt. 4

Selma: So, no. Turns out Princess Opal is a total scam artist. She couldn’t help Lisa at all.
Homer: Well, I guess “actions” don’t speak louder than words. Anyhoo, I’m proud to announce that I have solved all of Lisa’s magic problems, with my own form of magic.
Lisa: I feel like that should make me happy, and not fill me with dread — but all I feel is dread.
Marge: Don’t worry, sweetie. That’s a very normal reaction to your father’s plans.
Homer: Come with me, Lisa! We’ll get your confidence back and then you can show that no-good Magicfreek that you’re the best magician around.
Make Homer Take Lisa to the Magic Palace- 4hrs
Make Lisa Try Not to Panic- 4hrs
Collect Magic Wands- x185. 4hrs
Lisa: The Magic Palace?
Homer: Yup! And there he is! The man, the myth, the magician himself, Dr. Mesmerino.
Mesmerino: It’s just Mesmerino.
Homer: Look, I don’t care what you call yourself. All I know is that my little girl needs a confidence boost so that she can teach that no-good Cregg Demon that she’s the best magician in town.
Mesmerino:  Cregg Demon! I hate that hack! His Magicfreek show exposed several of my greatest secrets. I will help you, Lisa — free of charge.
Lisa: Thanks, but I don’t know if my problem is fixable.
Mesmerino: Just keep your eyes on this watch. Stay focused on it.
Lisa: Hypnosis? Really? …
Mesmerino: You are brave, and confident, and capable. You can do anything your mind can imagine. And you will come up with the greatest magic trick of all time and thoroughly humiliate that fool, Cregg Demon.
Lisa: Yes, I will. I will humiliate the fool, Cregg Demon.
Homer: Okay, Mesmerino, now it’s my turn. I want you to hypnotize me into becoming super rich!
Mesmerino: Free of charge for her, but $50 for you.
Homer: Okay, fine. Do you take Zelle?
Mesmerino: What’s Zelle?
Homer: Fine… I’ll try to find an ATM…

The Greatest Trick Ever Performed Pt. 5

The Great Simpsina: Behold! I, The Great Simpsina, have returned, and have come up with the greatest trick ever conceived! I will perform a trick of such daring, such brilliance, that Cregg Demon will be forced to realize that he’s nothing but a second-rate magic thief!
Marge: Homie? Where did you take her?
Homer: To see Mesmerino! He hypnotized her to make her more confident. He also got her to quit smoking.
Marge: But Lisa doesn’t smoke.
Homer : Not any more, she doesn’t.
The Great Simpsina: Now, come with me! To the site of my greatest trick!
Marge: Ooh, a destination showdown!
: Later, at Springfield Gorge…
Marge: Homer, this is too dangerous! Do something!
Homer: But I just found a good seat. Also, it’s not like anything bad ever happens at the Gorge!
The Great Simpsina: Greetings, Springfielders, and welcome to the site of the greatest escape act that has ever been and will ever be! I will be strapped into this straightjacket, and then chained up.
Cregg Demon: Straightjacket? All right, Harry Hou-tweeny…
Homer: Your wordplay sucks, Demon!
The Great Simpsina: And then, I will be lowered into this small clear container filled with water, which will be closed and locked.
Cregg Demon: Getting more interesting, but I’ve done far more challenging escapes.
The Great Simpsina: And then, this container will be hung over this rope bridge crossing the gorge, which will be lit on fire on both ends, giving me only two minutes to escape! If I fail, then I’ll either drown, or fall to my death at the bottom of the gorge below.
Cregg Demon: Okay, this is like way cooler than anything I’ve ever done.
Marge: HOMER! We can’t let Lisa do this!
Homer: Marge, she goes by the Great Simpsina now.
Make The Great Simpsina Perform an Exceptional Dangerous Escape- 4hrs
Make Marge Take Matters Into Her Own Hands- 4hrs
Make Homer Not Notice Marge Has Disappeared– 4hrs
Make Craig Demon Be Entertained Despite His Best Efforts- 4hrs
Make Springfielders Watch the Escape- x20. 2hrs
Collect Magic Wands- x230. 4hrs
The Great Simpsina: Presto Chain-no!
Cregg Demon: Awkward delivery, but she got out of those chains way faster than I could.
The Great Simpsina: And voila! I am free from my straightjacket!
Cregg Demon: She’s like if David Blaine and Dumbledore had a baby and then that baby… I don’t know where I’m going with this. All I know is, her act is way better than anything I’ve ever done.
Moe: Wait— Oh God, the bridge! It’s collapsing!
Ned: Oh lordy, she’ll fall to her death!
Marge: OUT OF THE WAAAAAY! *rockets past everyone on a motorcycle*
Cregg Demon: Hey, that’s my motorcycle!
Marge: AAAAAAAAAAH! *motorcycle leaps into the air over the gorge*
The Great Simpsina: *realizes that the bridge is gone* Aaaah!
Marge: BABY! I’M COMING! *grabs the Great Simpsina* AAAAAAH! *lands safely on the other side*
Cregg Demon: That was the greatest piece of magic I’ve ever witnessed!

The Cards Have Fallen

Marge: Are you okay, honey?
The Great Simpsina: Yes, Mom. I’m fine.
Marge: Go get the car, Homer. We’re leaving.
Homer: *slips and falls down gorge* Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Eeee! Ow! I’m okay! *from bottom of gorge* I’ll just meet you guys back home.
The Great Simpsina: Thanks for saving my life, Mom.
Marge: Any time! Say, now that it’s just us two, wanna take the motorcycle home?!
The Great Simpsina: LET’S DO IT!
Marge: *take off on motorcycle*
Make Homer Climb Out of the Gorge- 1hr
Make Cregg Demon Begrudgingly Admit He Lost- 1hr
Make MArge Stop to Refuel the Motorcycle- 1hr
Cregg Demon: All right. I’ll admit it. You, The Great Simpsina, are the best magician and magicfreekiest in the world.
The Great Simpsina: Thank you, Mr. Demon! So, where are you off to next?
Cregg Demon: Oh, I just figured I’d go back under your couch. I kind of got used to it after all that time.
The Great Simpsina: No. That’s really weird. Please go.

And there you have it my friends, the full dialogue for the Tragic Magic mini-event!

Final thoughts on the event?  Dialogue? Which prize was your favorite?  What do you think we’ll see next?  Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!

One response to “Tragic Magic Full Dialogue: The Greatest Trick Ever Performed

  1. Anyone willing to speculate about the start of the Halloween event?

Leave a Reply