Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Level 45 hit our Springfield’s about a few weeks ago and brought back an old, annoying, “friend” to Springfield…Artie Ziff! Not only is Artie annoying as a character, but his level is, annoyingly,
one of the most expensive level we’ve ever had in TSTO. With the buildings (at level launch) costing over 2 million! Talk about a dent in your TSTO wealth!
While we’ve had the Turbo Tappin’ walkthrough up since the update first hit (you can view it here) I know many of you still love going back and reading old walkthroughs. They’re great if you missed any of the dialogue while playing the level, or if you just want to know what to expect when you reach Level 45. So for those that may have missed it (or for those of you that want to live it again)…I bring you all *annoyed grunt*…..Artie Ziff…because after-all you can’t spell Party without misspelling Artie!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 1
Patty: Why the frown, Selma? This better be because we were ousted from the MacGyver Fan Club for indecency, and not man problems again!
Selma: My boyfriend got an electrolarynx and now says he’s too good for me.
Patty: For God’s sake, Selma – there’re plenty of handsome men in the sea. Desperate, lonely, ugly, handsome men.
Selma: Look at the facts, Patty. We’re past 44 and still alone. Even my green card marriage fell apart – how am I supposed to compete with Haiti?
Patty: I have a feeling 45 will take us to a whole new level. And that level is rock bottom, with hunks like Artie Ziff.
Selma: You mean the guy who’s crazy about Marge?
Patty: A desperation only a loving sister can take advantage of.
Place the ZiffCorp Sign– $550,000 (price at Level release. Buildingprices are on a sliding scale. Check out our realty page for the current price). This unlocks Artie Ziff!
Selma: Well, look who the cat spit up! Me- *cough*- ow.
Artie: Who’s there? As former Treasurer of the Billionaire Club, util it disbanded over mysteriously vanished funds, I demand to know who that is.
Selma: It’s your dream date….’s sister. And you are going to take me out to dinner.
Artie: I would gladly settle for you for the evening, but I appear to have returned from limbo a bit cash poor….the worst kind of poor there is. But if you float me I promise I’ll pay you back in unconstructive criticism.
Selma: Sorry, Artie, I can take sleazy and selfish, but not sleazy, selfish and broke. I have standards.
Artie: Wait…You? Selma? You’re turning ME down?
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 2
Marge: Oh no…Artie! Don’t take this the wrong way….but you’re the last person I ever wanted to see again.
Artie: If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me, I’d still be rich! But don’t worry your corn cob shaped head, I’m just here for a helping hand…in marriage? Kidding! Just a helping hand. No funny business…unless you like a man who’s funny. Kidding again! Just the help.
Homer: Maybe I can help you.
Marge: Homer! Really?
Homer: It’s so rare to help someone worse off than me. I’m always the bottom left of New York Magazine’s Approval Matrix. Every week!
Artie: I humbly accept your offer of help, Homer. You clearly are the bigger man.
Homer: I offer you help and you insult my weight. How dare you!
Lisa: He means that as a compliment, Dad.
Homer: In that case, let’s do the manliest thing I know – Destroy our livers!
Make Homer Drink at Moe’s- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Artie Have a Glass of Soy Milk at Moe’s- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Make Moe Serve Drinks- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 3
Homer: Now that you have some Liquid Courage, and I’ve had some alcohol, let’s find you a date! First, you’ll need a wingman, one who is both uglier than you and less attractive. Lucky for us, we have Moe.
Moe: I know it, but it still hurts.
Artie: What exactly does being a wingman entail?
Moe: For starters, I can help you collect intel on the prey…
…I mean victim…
….I mean woman…
….I mean object.
Then you can use that information to manipulate her!
Artie: And all this time I’ve been foolishly selling personal information to the government, when I could have been using it to get dates?
Make Moe Spy on Midge- 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
Make Artie Spy on Everyone– 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 4
Artie: Marge, it is my professional opinion as an amateur opinion giver that everything wrong in your live is because of that sub-human drunk Homer Simpson!
Marge: My husband offered to help you and this is how you repay him?
Artie: This is new Springfield! It’s a vast multi-dimensional universe where the currency is trans-fat based Everything’s changing! Give me a chance, Marge, and I can vastly improve your quality of life!
Marge: Ok Artie, what do you propose?
Artie: Marge Bouvier! I thought you’d never ask!
Make Artie Propose to Marge– 24hrs, Earns $1,200, 300xp. Requires Marge.
Marge: Artie , no means no. I wish you would respect me when I say that.
Artie: Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is ignore a woman’s wishes and tell her what she really wants. You’re looking at the new Artie! One that looks, talks, and acts like the old one.
Marge: If you think you’re a better man, Artie, don’t prove it to me, prove it to yourself!
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 5
Artie: Marge is playing hard to get once again! But if I know Marge – , and for some reason I believe I do, the one thing that impresses her above all else is… MONEY! Time to reclaim my crown as the most successful, narcissistic idiot in Springfield’s business universe. Watch out, Krusty! And Mr. Burns! And Duffman! And Kent Brockman! Geez, I didn’t realize there were so many rich idiots in–
Moe: Keep your monologue to yourself, buddy. This bar is here to forget your problems, not solve them.
Artie: Sorry Moe, I have this bad habit of thinking out loud. I suppose I can’t quite get enough of the delightful sound of my own voice.
Make Artie Form Business Connections- 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 6
Artie: Moe, I came to you first with an exciting business opportunity.
Moe: The last time I fell for that line I bought an Indian graveyard. Err, I mean, an empty plot of land.
Native American Spirit: You said you would honor our spirit, Moe.
Moe: And you believed me, Chief Gullible Panther.
Artie: Moe, you’ve proven yourself a man with loose morals and that’s exactly who I want to be in business with. Buy some shares of ZiffCorp and don’t ask too many questions, and I’ll make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Moe: I don’t know ‚Äì I’ve got some pretty wild dreams. In one, I got wheels for feet.
Make Springfielders Invest in ZiffCorp- x10. 4hrs. Send 10 Springfield residents to invest in ZiffCorp. You can send all of the adults. Just no children. Earns $175, 45xp non-premium and $260, 70xp premium.
Lenny: Hey,Carl, do you think we made a mistake investing our life savings into this stock?
Carl: No, Artie said he was coming to us first. And we can trust him — he was wearing a suit.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 7
Carl: ZiffCorp was ranked the number one stock to buy in 2014 by Hickory Dickory Stock, the magazine for child economists. If it’s good enough for America’s youth, then it’s good enough for me.
Lenny: It’s logic like that that makes me feel better about investing so much in a company I know so little about.
Carl: And here’s another article on ZiffCorp in Ferdinand the Bull Market, the magazine for child bankers. Huh. Turns out ZiffCorp’s borrowing our shares, short-selling them, and then repurchasing and returning them to us at a later date.
Lenny: That seems a little shady and not to our benefit. Should we be worried?
Carl: My financial advisor says there is nothing to be worried about. We’ll be millionaires by nap time.
Make Artie Short Sell ZiffCorp Stock– 24hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
The Rich Texan: Yeehaw! I just bought me a majority share of the hottest company in ‘Murica! I feel like dancin’.
Artie: Please stop shooting your own feet! We’re on the second floor.
The Rich Texan: Well, how do you dance if you aren’t shooting at your feet to make ‘em move?
Artie: In my culture, we sit down in chairs and make other people pick them up and dance for us.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 8
Artie: I know how unorthodox it is to call a board of directors meeting in the middle of the streets, but I need to tell you all something and I wanted to do it in a place where I can easily escape. ZiffCorp is filing for bankruptcy.
Carl: What about the articles in Mother Goose’s ‘Lullabye and Sell’ about ZiffCorp’s massive profits? Was that all just a fantasy?
Artie: No, not a fantasy. A lie! That was a lie! I think it’s technically called investor fraud.
Lenny: But what about us?
Artie: You will lose all your investments. But don’t worry, there’s a silver lining…
Lenny: Oh good, cause that all sounded really bad. What is it?
Artie: You didn’t let me finish. A silver lining on my new tennis court. Not quite regulation, but I love the way my ruby-crusted tennis balls clang off it.
Build Indoor Tennis Courts- $516,000, 24hr Build
Make Artie File for Bankruptcy- 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp
Marge: Artie, you are absolutely the most unethical, sleazy example of a human being I have ever come across!
Artie: You’re right I AM rich. Now will you marry me, Marge?
Marge: You just don’t get it. I don’t want to be with you, or even around you. Go home Artie.
Artie: What could have possibly gone wrong?! I didn’t listen to a word she said and ruined hundreds of people’s lives. I should be swimming in Marges.
The Way I Wish We Was Pt. 9
Judge Snyder starts
Judge Snyder: …Insider trading, cooking the books, dangerously undercooked books, unauthorized exchanges, laundering money through numerous child-focused investment magazines. I don’t know if there’s a white collar crime you haven’t committed, Mr. Ziff.
Artie: White collar crimes are the good ones, right?
Judge Snyder: Mr. Ziff, these are very serious accusations! A lot of people, including myself, have been financially crippled because of you! You’ve ruined lives!
Artie: I don’t suppose this ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card I have in my wallet is game transferable?
Judge Snyder: Jail? I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s not like you shoplifted or were found with a minuscule amount of drugs. House arrest will do. And if you don’t have a house, the court will appoint one for you. As for your failing business that ruined the community, its market cap just qualifies as too big to fail. I hereby order the town to bail out ZiffCorp and build it a fancy office building. Case dismissed!
Build the ZiffCorp Office Building- $1,016,000. 24hr Build
Lenny: So ZiffCorp is back and will be publicly traded. But I’ll never be fooled by a man in a fancy suit again. Hey! Nice suit, Carl, so are you thinking of buying back in?
Are you crazy? I lost over three hundred thousand dollars!
Lenny: Then I’m buying back in!
Carl: What?! Why?
Lenny: I said I wasn’t going to listen to a man in a suit and you’re a man in a suit. Thanks for the not advice, Carl.
And that completes the MAIN questline for Artie. However, if you have the Rich Texan the following questline will pop for you as well….
Burning the Midnight Oil
Rich Texan starts
Rich Texan: You’re a dirty cheat, Artie Ziff! I lost millions on your bum stock! I had to sell off 10% of my hat collection and 15% of my horse.
Artie: That’s unfortunate, but as the expression goes — hate the game, not the player.
Rich Texan: I live my life by one expression and one expression only — I don’t like expressions!
Artie: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to burn some midnight oil if I plan to get my tennis serve back to millionaire status.
Rich Texan: Burn that midnight oil while you can. I will have my vengeance, and it will be as swift as it is shocking!
Artie: For the record, I’m not going to meet you in any town squares at noon.
Rich Texan: Then my vengeance will be less swift than previously anticipated.
Make Artie Practice his Tennis Serving Skills- 1hr. Earns $70, 17xp
Make The Rich Texan Raise the Price of Midnight Oil- 12hrs. Earns $600, 150xp
Rich Texan: How’s burning all that midnight oil treating ya, Artie?
Artie: Odd that you ask. I just tried to purchase some more and they said my card was declined.
Rich Texan: That’s because I own all the midnight oil fields this side of the Middle East. And I raised the price 500 times!
Artie: How crude!
Rich Texan: And I raised the price of crude 1000 times! I believe the expression is, hate the game, not the player. Yee-haw!