Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Tap Ball is officially over in Springfield, but we’ve got a ton of new sporty Springfield residents in our towns! As prizes throughout the three acts of Tap Ball we’ve unlocked several players for free including Baseball Jasper, Softball Mr. Burns, Boxer Tatum, Tennis Marge, Kung Fu Comic Book Guy & Ballet Ralph!
While we’ve had the questlines up for each character for a while now, we thought now would be a fun time to take a look back at all the dialogue and jokes of the character questlines that popped up during Tap Ball. Especially since many of you have been requesting this over the last few days! So if you missed any of the dialogue during the event, or you’re just curious what one of the characters had to say that you didn’t unlock…we’ve got it all here for you!
So let’s get started with the complete dialogue walkthroughs for all of the prize Tap Ball Players that hit our game during the event…we’ll get things rolling with Baseball Jasper…
A League of His Own Pt. 1
Grampa: Jasper you fool! Why are you wearing an old-time woman’s baseball uniform? And why is the name on the back “Jasperien?”
Jasper: It’s not what you think! See, in the 1940s and early 50s, I posed as a woman to play in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. This was my uniform.
Grampa: I know! I was on your team you idiot!
Jasper: But, see, I had a very good REASON to join the ladies’ league. And it’s not what you think. I did it… to avoid the draft.
Grampa: I know! I joined for the same reason, and you ratted me out!
Jasper: Did I? Oh. Well, you’ll never figure out why I put on the old uniform again. Why I would risk having my subterfuge come to light after all these years…
Grampa: Because you’re losing your skull marbles, and you thought it was 1953.
Jasper: Right. Good guess. Speaking of it being 1953 — there’s a fly ball! I got it! Jasperien’s got it!
Make Baseball Jasper Catch an Imaginary Fly Ball- 4hrs, Earns 4 , 70xp
A League of His Own Pt. 2
Jasper: It’s sure been fun thinking it’s 1953. But I should probably change outta this skirt.
Grampa: Jasper! The War Board is comin’ for ya! They know you’ve been posing as a girl to dodge the draft. They’re gonna execute you, then send you to fight in the Pacific!
Jasper: I gotta hide!
Grampa: Heh-heh. It sure is fun being a little less senile than your friends.
Make Baseball Jasper Hide- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
A League of His Own Pt. 3
Grampa: Jasper, FDR himself just rode into town! He’s got a pair of six shooters, and he’s hoppin’ mad you’ve been dodging the draft! And he thinks you’re the worst baseball player he’s ever seen — boy or girl. He’s gonna charge you with high treason because you can’t drive the ball to the opposite field! You’ll get the firing squad for sure!
Jasper: Then I’ve got mere moments to improve my swing!
Make Baseball Jasper Swing Bat- 24hrs, Earns 24 , 225xp
A League of His Own Pt. 4
Grampa: Good news, Jasperien! You caught a lucky break. FDR just got off the phone with Emperor Hirohito. Turns out the Emperor is a huge fan of yours! FDR says that if you’ll sign a few baseball cards for Japan’s leader, this whole world war can be over by dinnertime.
Jasper: Anything to get that gun-totin’ New Deal-slingin’ maniac off my back. To the Android’s Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop!
Comic Book Guy: I sell baseball cards? That’s odd. I never really noticed it was in the name of the store.
Make Baseball Jasper Sign Autographs- 1hr, Earns 1, 26xp
A League of His Own Pt. 5
Jasper: Abe, you’re a true friend. If it weren’t for you, FDR would have used my finger bones for cigarette holders. They’d be held between his teeth at a jaunty angle even as we speak!
Grampa: You old fool! I was just pulling your leg. FDR doesn’t know you’re a secret lady ballplayer.
Jasper: You mean… I’m safe?
Grampa: Far from it! Not so long as J. Edgar Hoover is crusading to root out cross-dressing from our major professional sports. They got G-men at every base, frisking anyone who scores a run!
Jasper: I gotta get out of this uniform!
Make Baseball Jasper Get Changed- 1hr, Earns 1 , 26xp (and SHOCKINGLY…Jasper FINALLY uses the Community Center to do this)
The Mighty Bucks Pt. 1
Smithers: Excuse me, sir. Do you remember that traffic ticket we received for running a red light?
Mr. Burns: Pah! Red lights only apply to the poor, the middle class, the rich, and the ultra-rich. I’m super-ultra-class-double-five-star-stupid rich! Or does that title no longer hold any meaning in our society? We need to contest this ticket all the way to the United States Supreme Court!
Smithers: We did. We lost 5-4.
Mr. Burns: I thought when we got shadow arch-conservative Sonia Sotomayor appointed to the Court, they’d finally look out for us wealthy folk. I suppose we’ll just have to content ourselves with owning the Executive and Legislative branches of government.
Smithers: There’s more, sir. As punishment for wasting millions of dollars of taxpayer money, they’ve sentenced you to community service. You have to do 100 hours coaching a local youth softball team.
Mr. Burns: Oh. Could be worse. Lovely game, softball. Played with a hoop, a tin can and a Winchester rifle, if memory serves?
Make Softball Burns Learn What Softball Is- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
The Mighty Bucks Pt.2
Mr. Burns: Listen up, you disgusting, malformed half-adults! This softball team does not tolerate losing! To that end, you ignorant pre-humans, you will follow my instructions at all times! When I dust my left sleeve, that means steal a base. When I touch my cap, cheat. I don’t care how. I just want to see rules being broken.
Milhouse: I thought sports were about doing your best and playing fair?
Mr. Burns: When I tug at my ear, it means everybody slap the do-gooder and teach him a lesson! I’m tugging my ear right now, people…
Make Softball Mr. Burns Signal Plays- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
Make Kids Play Softball- x5. 12hrs. Earns $420, 100xp Freemium and $600, 150xp Premium
The Mighty Bucks Pt. 3
Milhouse: I just wanted to thank you for devoting your valuable time to better the lives of us kids.
Mr. Burns: Am I bettering them? That was not my intent. I’m here to win. But, if I can permanently scar some young minds in the process, well, that’s all to the good.
Milhouse: We’re going to play our hardest for you, Coach.
Mr. Burns: How very kind. Please, call me Generalissimo.
Make Softball Burns Yell at Children- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Make Milhouse Look Up to a New Father Figure- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
The Mighty Bucks Pt. 4
Mr. Burns: Why are you following me around like one of those small, non-lethal mini-hounds?
Milhouse: You mean a puppy?
Mr. Burns: Yes, those things.
Milhouse: I thought maybe if I observed a successful man in action, it might help me.
Mr. Burns: There’s nothing that would upset me more than to help a fellow human. Life is about fighting and clawing and nuisance-suing for what you want.
Milhouse: That’s wonderful advice. You’re very good at this.
Mr. Burns: I do not wish to be, you annoying nitwit. I very sincerely don’t.
Milhouse: I was thinking maybe we could have a game of catch? You could dispense life lessons while we do it.
Mr. Burns: Smithers could be made to throw and catch in my stead. There’s a good lesson for you: lackeys make everything easier. Get one.
Milhouse: Wow. Thanks, Coach.
Make Softball Burns Bond with Milhouse- 8hrs, Earns 16, 140xp (requires Milhouse)
The Mighty Bucks Pt. 5
Mr. Burns: It’s the day of the big game. Milhouse, my protégé, what are Burns’ Rules of Sport?
Milhouse: Play unfair, don’t have fun, always be taunting, and keep your eye on your wallet.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. Now go out there and make me proud. Or at least less disgusted with you than I currently am. Above all, be wary. Especially those who would call themselves your “teammates.” They’ll be the first to stab you in the back.
Make Softball Burns Watch the Game- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Make Kids Play Softball- x4. 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp Freemium and $600, 150xp Premium.
Make Milhouse Compete with His Own Team- 12hrs, Earns 12, 100xp
Mr. Burns: It’s the final inning. The Van Houten boy is coming up to bat. I feel like a proud tyrant, Smithers.
Smithers: Sir, look at the time. Your 100 hours of community service just ended.
Mr. Burns: Oh, good! Start the car.
Milhouse: Coach Burns! You can’t leave us now!
Mr. Burns: Can and shall! It’s called “Lane Kiffin’s Law,” and it goes like this: “Preach loyalty to your players, but abandon them the moment a better offer comes along.” Ah, the beauty of sport!
Million Dollar Baby Pt. 1
Tatum: *sniff, sniff*
Homer: Former heavyweight boxing champ Drederick Tatum, are you crying?
Tatum: Please excuse my tears, fat person. I find myself consumed by melancholia.
Homer: You’ve permanently disfigured countless young men! What do you have to be sad about?
Tatum: The life of a pugilist was so simple. They would put a brain in front of me, and I would concuss it posthaste. It was quite enjoyable. God gave me fists that can pound living tissue to a bloody pulp, and I have spurned that holy gift. Even my menagerie of rare birds and high-end giraffes can no longer fill the hole in my brain.
Homer: You mean the hole in your heart…
Tatum: That too.
Homer: Well, there’s only one thing to do! We’ve got to get you back in the ring!
Make Boxer Tatum Get Back into Shape- 24hrs, Earns 24 , 225xp
Million Dollar Baby Pt. 2
Tatum: It’s not working, Coach Homer. I’ve lost the drive that made me a peerless psychopath. I’ve barely killed any sparring partners.
Homer: We’ll figure something out. Here, drink this glass full of raw eggs.
Tatum: Can we cook the eggs first? I so enjoy a perfectly shirred egg. Don’t you concur?
Homer: SHIRRED EGGS? A killing machine doesn’t eat shirred eggs! That does it! From now on, we’re doing this right! Raw eggs at every meal! You’ll wear those boxing gloves day and night, until you remember how to use them! And you’ll spend every night sleeping next to your pet tiger, relearning what it means to be a killer!
Tatum: Cohabitating with a tiger would seem to be a dangerous notion.
Homer: Yeah, well a boxer is nothing without “the eye of the tiger.” Or would you question the wisdom of Frank Stallone?
Make Boxer Tatum Fumble Around with his Gloves On- 8hrs, Earns 8 , 105xp
Make Boxer Tatum Bond with his Pet Tiger- 24hrs, Earns 24 , 225xp
Make Homer Perfect his Raw Egg Recipe- 32hrs, Earns 32 , 200xp
Million Dollar Baby Pt. 3
Homer: Drederick, I’ve been a fool. Obviously, I’m a world-class boxing trainer. No one doubts that. But if the “Rocky” movies taught us anything, it’s that no boxer can win without a Burgess Meredith-type in his corner. We’ve got to find a cantankerous, gravel-voiced, wrinkly weirdo to complete your entourage.
Homer: Moe! You’re perfect!
Tatum: I remain sceptical of this gentleman’s credentials.
Moe: Listen here, you lily-livered, sorry excuse for a boxer. I’ve been in the fight game since your Daddy was gettin’ beat up by the milkmaid!
Homer: Whoa. Moe, is that true?
Moe: Nah, not really. Just caught up in the–
Tatum: Coach Homer, the words of this man are making me quite upset. May I hit him, please?
Moe: Now wait a second–
Homer: That’s the Drederick Tatum I’ve been waiting to see! Finally, SOMETHING that makes you angry. Let’s get you and Moe in the ring right away!
Moe: Hold on, hold on. Moe’s not fightin’ nobody…
Make Moe and Boxer Tatum Have a Boxing Match- 4hrs, Earns 8 , 90xp (requires Moe)
Million Dollar Baby Pt. 4
Homer: You’re back on top again Drederick! I hope to see you playing Tap Ball, we could use your skills on the court-field-greens-pitch.
Tatum: Do the rules of Tap Ball allow for the pummelling of your fellow man’s stupid face?
Homer: I’m sorry, but the rules are very clear: you can only punch people who aren’t me. Oh, and Lisa. No hitting my daughter.
Tatum: Not to worry. I am the one and only boxer on the face of the earth who restricts his violence to men.
Make Boxer Tatum Shadowbox- 4hrs, Earns 4, 70xp
Marge Point Pt. 1
Marge: How come I’m never included in all these fun things that happen in Springfield?
Lisa: Well, you were the last family member to appear in the game. We have to structure quests so that new players don’t see you before they’ve unlocked you.
Marge: So I’m being hamstrung by creative decisions we made years ago, when we didn’t think this game would even last a month?
Lisa: Uh…You know what might pick you up, Mom? If you found a sports-y thing to do of your own.
Marge: On it!
Make Tennis Marge Search the Basement for a Hobby- 4hrs, Earns 4, 6xp
Marge: Oooh! A tennis racket! Maybe that can be my thing. Probably for the best, since I’m already in a tennis outfit.
Marge Point Pt. 2
Marge: If I’m going to play great tennis, I need to work on my movement. Ideally, via a fun animation that will encourage people to use poor, underserved Marge more often…
Make Tennis Marge Crabwalk- 24hrs, Earns 24, 150xp
Marge Point Pt. 3
Marge: Now to convince one of these busy “major” Tapped Out characters to play tennis with me!
Make Tennis Marge Ask Lisa to Play Tennis- 2hrs, Earns 2, 27xp
Marge: Lisa, any time to play some Tennis with your mother?
Lisa: Can’t. Super busy delivering exposition for all the other quests around here.
Make Tennis Marge Ask Homer to Play Tennis- 2hrs, Earns 2, 27xp
Marge: Homie, you think you can set aside some time for tennis with your beloved?
Homer: I’d love to, sweetie. But as usual I’ve got like a thousand missions to set up. See, I started this new thing called “Tap Ball”. And whenever anyone new gets involved, I have to be part of their story.
Marge: Oh. Okay, well maybe Lisa has some spare time to play Tennis.
Homer: *sigh* You just don’t understand how it works around here, do you?
Make Tennis Marge Ask Apu to Play Tennis- 2hrs, Earns 2, 27xp
Marge: Hey, Apu! Care for a game of tennis?
Apu: I would love to, but I am saddled with back-to-back-to-back 24-hour shifts at the Kwik-E-Mart. My time is simply not my own.And how I thank the “funny” people behind this game for introducing that 168-hour shift mission. Great stuff, guys!!
Marge: Everyone is so busy in this town, how are two people supposed to do something together?
Marge Point Pt. 4
Marge: Well, I guess I’m stuck doing a solo mission. I suppose I could practice tennis for 4 hours. What am I saying?! No one plays tennis for 4 hours. You’re trying to kill me, EA, aren’t you? You’re trying to kill America’s most beloved TV mom. Shame on you!
Make Tennis Marge Practice Serving- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
Four Fingers of Death Pt. 1
Comic Book Guy starts
art: Hey, look, everybody! It’s the Kung Fu Panda!
Comic Book Guy: Judge me by my girth, do you? You are a foolish child, unwise in the ways of gongfu. I have devoted years to studying the eldritch secrets of the East, learning from the greatest masters: Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix,” Chris Farley in “Beverly Hills Ninja…” …and, yes, the aforementioned Kung Fu Panda. Seriously, I know he’s a cartoon, but the dude knows his stuff. I can teach you much, if you would but listen.
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Teach Kung Fu- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
Make Bart Attend Kung Fu Class- 1hr, Earns 1, 17xp
Comic Book Guy: A true Master can erect an impenetrable defense. I shall demonstrate. Please, young Bart, attack me however you like. Oof! Gah! Let go of the pony tail! Yowza! Right in the chi!
Four Fingers of Death Pt. 2
Comic Book Guy starts
Comic Book Guy: Defeated by a child! I have brought shame upon my dojo and upon my family, two entities that were none-too-crazy about me to begin with. Clearly, I need further training. To the couch!
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Binge Watch Kung Fu Movies- 24hrs, Earns 24, 150xp
Comic Book Guy: At last, the movies have revealed the weakness in my gongfu! Was I defeated because I can’t do a sit-up without the aid of a gantry crane? No! I merely lack a strong revenge motive! Kumiko! I swear I will avenge your death at the hands of Bart Simpson!
Kumiko: I’m not dead, my gigantic love.
Comic Book Guy: Obviously! I’m only FANTASIZING that my wife is dead. It’s something all great husbands do.
Kumiko: I was not aware of this, my strange, obese soul mate. Carry on.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, why have I been cursed with a wonderful, living wife?!
Four Fingers of Death Pt. 3
Comic Book Guy starts
Comic Book Guy: My otherwise regal body is not, I admit, ideally suited to the exertions of hand-to-hand combat. Being struck by my fat-wrapped fists is like snuggling into a mountain of the softest eider down. Being kicked by my legs is like… well, I can’t raise them more than six inches, so it’s irrelevant. But I DO have something far more important — the cunning reflexes of a jungle cat. Therefore, I shall dedicate myself to mastering that most ancient of weapons…
Bart: Nice nunchucks, you wad!
Comic Book Guy: They are properly called “nunchaku!” A-doy!
Bart: You just tied two Wii controllers end-to-end by the straps.
Comic Book Guy: THEY STILL COUNT!
Bart: No they don’t. Plastic nunchucks are no nunchucks at all, you dope.
Comic Book Guy: It’s “nunchaku!” A-doy! A thousand times a-doy!
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Use Nunchaku- 12hrs, Earns 12, 100xp
Four Fingers of Death Pt. 4
Comic Book Guy starts
Comic Book Guy: Soon I will face Bart Simpson in a fateful and deadly clash of martial arts grand masters. A little more practice, followed by a lengthy fast food crawl through Springfield’s Trans Fat District, and my body will be prepared.
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Practice Moves- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
Four Fingers of Death Pt. 5
Comic Book Guy starts
Comic Book Guy: Bart Simpson, I challenge you! Stand and face me, if you be man enough, in the ultimate gongfu arena: A head-to-head battle in “Martial Arts Eviscerators 7: Entrails of Fury Edition!”
Bart: Wait. You want to challenge me to a kung fu VIDEO GAME?
Comic Book Guy: Not my original plan. Let’s just say Krustyburger’s new “Bacon-wrapped Fish Taco Pizzaburger with Ranch Drizzles” is not easy on the digestive system. I’m in no shape to fight. But enough talk. Choose your controller.
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Challenge His Rival- 16hrs, Earns 32, 250xp (Requires Bart)
Comic Book Guy: Yes! You are defeated, Bart Simpson! I have proven myself the master!
Bart: The “X” button on this controller doesn’t work. And you were in “God Mode” the whole time.
Comic Book Guy: A true master makes full use of cheat codes. Let this be your first lesson, my pupil.
Bart: Not for nothing, “master,” but you really need to move around more. Your flab is growing into the couch.
Comic Book Guy: Yes, I know.
Bonus questline…if you have Hank Scorpio
I Lava Good Fight Scene
Comic Book Guy starts
Comic Book Guy: *gasp* How have I never noticed this enormous volcano on the edge of town? What a perfect location for an underground lair.
Hank Scorpio: Already taken, friend! Sorry about that. I know how rarely active volcanoes with an open floor plan come on the underground lair market.
Comic Book Guy: Perhaps I could leave you my card? In case you ever want to sell.
Hank Scorpio: You know, that’s a great idea? Operation Vertumnus is entering Phase 3 any day now. In a month or two, I’ll be pulling up stakes for the lifeless remains of San Francisco. If I can ever get the Desiccation Ray working! You don’t happen to know anyone who has a metric ton of Carbon-12 Negative-Matrix Nightmare Crystals to unload, do you?
Comic Book Guy: Sadly, no.
Hank Scorpio: Yeah, they’re hard to find. Messing up my whole supply chain. But no one said holding the planet for ransom has to be easy! Anyway, if all that pans out, I’d sure like to pass the volcano lair to someone who’ll give it the love it deserves. Now, I couldn’t help but notice you’re wearing a karate gi. What do you know about the martial arts, friend?
Comic Book Guy: Everything.
Hank Scorpio: Dandy! How’d you like to train my fighting force? They don’t need to be any good, you understand. I just need them to run at the good guys and get mowed down while I escape in my Invisible Atomic Rocket Sled.
Make Kung Fu Comic Book Guy Battle B-Movie Style- 16hrs, Earns 16, 200xp
Spin Up to the Streets Pt. 1
Wiggum: Bad news, Ralphie. Your mother signed you up for dance classes. I know that’s something no little boy wants to hear.
Ralph: Dancers wear tights just like superheroes.
Wiggum: I suppose that’s true. Anyway, just get through a few lessons, then we’ll convince your ma to sign you up for a sport instead. Okay?
Ralph: Dancing is when you just can’t stop. Shake it. Shake that thing.
Wiggum: I don’t like where this is headed…
Make Ballet Ralph Go to Dance Class- 1hr, Earns 1, 17xp
Spin Up to the Streets Pt. 2
Wiggum: I hope your first day of dance class wasn’t too embarrassing, Ralphie.
Ralph: I expressed my laughings and my cryings through movement!
Wiggum: Uh… that’s great. Good for you.
Ralph: When I point my toe in any direction, there’s a funny french name for it. I love dance-y class.
Wiggum: Oh, boy.
Make Ballet Ralph Go to Dance Class- 1hr, Earns 1, 17xp
Spin Up to the Streets Pt. 3
Ralph: Teacher says I’m the best rock in the dance where some of us are rocks.
Wiggum: Great, son. Just remember, pretty soon we can quit awful, awful dance class and get you playing sports.
Ralph: What’s sports?
Wiggum: Oh, God! The words that mean I’ve failed as a father! This isn’t happening! I gotta get you out of that dance class.
Ralph: Teacher says dance is the only legimitate art form.
Wiggum: Now you’re dissing other art forms — INCLUDING slam poetry AND glass blowing — and I’m getting mad. I need to talk to this teacher of yours…
Ralph: While daddy is shooting teacher, everyone enjoy my sumbersaults.
Make Ballet Ralph Do a Somersault- 4hrs, Earns 4, 45xp
Spin Up to the Streets Pt. 4
Wiggum: Son, I talked to this dance teacher of yours, and… he says you’re really talented. He says he’s never seen ANYBODY who felt less shame to be wearing tights in front of others. That’s mostly what being a good dancer is, apparently. Lack of shame.
Ralph: Daddy is proud of me. But not too proud.
Wiggum: I’m sorry, son. I AM proud. I’ve just got these old-fashioned prejudices against boys and dance.
Ralph: Dance with me, daddy.
Wiggum: I can’t, son. I just can’t.
Ralph: You don’t need to be ma-shamed.
Wiggum: No, I mean I physically can’t. Daddy has a 150% blockage in every artery in his body. Doctor says it’s statistically impossible I’m still alive. But I can still go to your recital. Recitals are just sitting. And Daddy is great at sitting!
Make Ballet Ralph Dance in the Recital- 12hrs, Earns 12, 100xp
Make Wiggum Attend Dance Recital- 12hrs, Earns 12, 100xp
Spin Up to the Streets Pt. 5
Wiggum: Ralphy, you’re an amazing dancer! Your Dad is real, real proud of you. Imagine how these new movement skills of yours will translate to football, or basketball, or any sport at all! Now that dance class is over, I mean.
Ralph: Tap class. Tap class now!
Wiggum: Oh. You want to go to tap dancing class, now? Yeah, I guess I saw that coming…
Make Ballet Ralph Tap Dance- 8hrs, Earns 8, 70xp
And there you have it my friends…all the fun of Tap Ball!
Did you enjoy rereading all the dialogue from the Tap Ball characters? Were there any parts you missed? Any jokes you didn’t catch the first time around? Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!