Friday Filler – Thanks for Thanksgiving…Hold the Turkey

Thank Grog It’s Firday!!

Yep. Been “one of those weeks” when the combination of work, tapping, charities, and volunteerism has colluded to make my life a bit insane. And then…there was the whole iOS debacle with the Thanksgiving takedown/launch.

I’m not going to take the blame for this. Even though, there was a part of my paranoid “lizard brain” that immediately seized upon the “EA is doing this to me because of the things I have said about their lazyassprogramming (EALP) in the last event!” But, would they penalize an entire subset of players (millions of others who use iOS padular devices) just to get at me????   Well…like I said…it was likely just my “lizard brain” talking.

But, this time of year, due to a wide range of reasons, I prefer to admit to calling my “lizard brain” my “turkey brain.”  It’s not that great a leap, as I’ll explain.

But with the NEW THANKSGIVING MINI-EVENT gobbling up our tapping time, it is not so much  a question of IF we are going to succumb to turkeys, but how MUCH turkey we are willing to endure? And do we really want a Turkey NPC roaming our towns?

And…perhaps Lisa is on to something!  Maybe it’s time to Turn Away From Turkey, and look for an alternative. If for no other reason, than to help stem the rising Rural Turkey Invasion!

Let’s begin with helping to define the direct correlation between “Lizard Brain” and Turkey Brain.  If you want a quick overview of how our “Reptilian Brain” continues to shape our actions through our evolution, GO HERE.   In short…our “Lizard Brain” is responsible for the BIG Six F’s in our life. These are:

  1. fight
  2. flight
  3. feeding
  4. fear
  5. freezing-up
  6. fornication

I didn’t make this up. Really. 

Now, remember that in an evolution sense, birds, NOT lizards, are actually considered to be the most direct evolutionary line to dinosaurs, which mostly just “roamed” the earth. That is the primary descriptor of dinosaurs that you will read. Roaming. And apparently roaming, while performing some aspect of the Big 6 Fs, which we will call the F6 from now on.

So now, after ions of evolution, in our modern society, we have a new phenomenon of  huge, rampant, packs of Turkeys ROAMING the streets of towns, small and large, and apparently growing far less reliant on Fs 2,4 and 5, while becoming more and more proficient at Fs 1, 3, and 6.   NOT a good thing. Fat, happy, and fertile!

If anyone has any doubt about whether this has become a national crisis…even one threatening the VERY GOVERNMENT that protects these things in urban settings…watch these two videos!

A United States agency…and crappy Snail Mail service. OK. Maybe I get it. I want to chase our postal person sometimes too, when he crams a package into our mailbox, or brings a profusion of junk mail during the holidays.

But, they go after regular citizens as well!!

As I have written about repeatedly lately…our neighborhood is inundated with wild turkeys.  Yes. There is a legal wild turkey hunting season in Oregon (and in most states in the Union), but that does little to help with the other 10 months out of the year, and you cannot hunt any game within the city limits.  So, Turkeys, Deer, and all other assorted critters have figured out that they are mostly safe, by “moving to the city.” Even during Thanksgiving.

I don’t run from them.  The most any of them has ever done when I approach a flock in my front or back yard, is just puff up and flash their plumage. this  mostly happens during mating season, as a sign of male dominance to the females in the flock.  Don’t sweat it Tom(s)…I have no designs on your women-folk.

I also don’t run, or freeze, or freak out (the 7th F?), because I am pretty good at assessing an opponent.  If you haven’t really noticed…Turkeys have huge bodies, and tiny, tiny, tiny little heads, with even tinier brains. When you compare the size of the body with it’s brain size, it’s no wonder there is barely enough room for more than 6 Fs.

When I see a Wild Turkey coming at me…I imagine him saying…

But that is clearly giving the turkey waaaaaaaaaaay more credit than it is due. It likely goes through the full Six Fs line-up, before deciding that it can’t eat me, and that I am not a likely candidate for F6.   It suddenly realizes, that I realize that his tiny little head, with its weird little beak, really can’t do much damage to me, if I am swinging a 6 iron from my reserve bag of golf clubs.

Let’s face it. Except in the cartoons, and advertisements for “Wild Turkey Shoots” (you see them all over the South), turkeys really aren’t equipped to hold a rifle, or do much harm, other than dig up your garden, crap on your car and hot tub cover, and chase you.

And, as far as protecting Turkeys??? They really aren’t even protective of their own flock…as I have witnessed countless times, as I use my BB gun to move them off of my roof, or deck.

Before any of you ASPCT (American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Turkeys) starts in, my BB gun is a pump action that also shoots .22 cal pellets.  I never shoot pellets…and only pump it 5 times, which will make a statement, but can’t/won’t break skin, and barely gets the attention if I shoot for one of the fleshier/featherier parts of their bulbous bodies.

Anyway…I have witnessed this countless times. I’ll shoot one in it’s fat turkey behind…it will gobble, fly into the air (they DO fly by the way) and escape into the neighbor’s yard (now his problem, not mine).  However, the others in the flock will not move…and barely register more than a “Hey…where’s Bob? He was here a second ago…I need to F3…tonight could be my lucky F6 night!”

I’m serious. They are as dumb as…well…Turkeys!

So, when it comes to the ASPCT and Lisa, and vegetarians trying to convince me that eating Turkey at Thanksgiving is cruel…or not good for me…or not morally correct,  I say…PFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTT!!!! 

You actually want me to eat TOFURKEY?????  Come on…if you are so against the concept of eating meat, why do you keep making your Tofu in the shape of meat?? (Yes…they sell turkey-shaped molds for your Tofu).

I’m not going to debate this. Everyone has their own traditions. But leave your ding-dang-feather-lovin’ hands off of my Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner!  After braving years of horribly over-cooked, leathery turkeys in my youth (my Mom never met a piece of meat she could’t ruin), I married a girl who has come up with a recipe that is the most tender, tasty, perfectly mouth-watering bird ever!
The entire family agrees…and any of them within driving distance, will show up here to have some. We have even made Deb make an entire TG turkey dinner the day AFTER Thanksgiving, if forced to go to a relative’s house for Thanksgiving. It’s that good. 

And this year…just to test my theory that turkey’s are dumber than a brontosaurus (similar brain to body ratio), I am going to save the bones from the turkey we have at Thanksgiving…and string them together so I can rattle them at the next flock that darkens my driveway…and say…”Hey! Remember Bob???” and see if they can make the correlation.  I doubt they will.

Thanksgiving…it’s a time when we give thanks for the little things in life, like the Thanksgiving Update on our padular devices! S-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Thankful that we are done with Wizardry! On to the Macy’s Parade…Santa…and all that makes sense in the world! Turkey’s be darned!!

Do YOU have wild turkey’s in your town?  What is your favorite Thanksgiving meal item?  Have you ever had Tofurkey? We want to know!  





32 responses to “Friday Filler – Thanks for Thanksgiving…Hold the Turkey

  1. I haven’t been chased by Turkeys out here in Southern Nevada, just dealt with Quail Crossing (yield to Mama and her Kids) and a Coyote Den (back away and get out of there) 🤣

  2. Just courious….how do household pets and wild turkeys interact? You still have “your” cat and how does it act towards the F’ers?

    • I just went back and played the videos, funny!
      I think the first one at the mail truck was looking for its holiday grocery store coupons.

  3. With regards to Patric’s turkey videos & their shenanigans; You don’t want to be chased by an emu! They are large versions of a wild turkey (Maybe?) Standing 6 foot tall or more (bigger than an ostrich) & the males are somewhat aggressive in Spring & Summer. The back of the men’s feet have poison spurs that they can use when confronted too! They can’t fly but can flap & hover & scratch unmercifully.

    Picnicking in Australian parks can have hazards when the darned things crowd your table & steal food. When the food runs out they will still pursue you as you flee to your vehicle! (& then outrun the car!) They too are a protected bird here. I once threw one some sandwiches in gladwrap (? Saran wrap for Americans?) & the bull emu ate the lot – plastic wrap & all; & kept running after our car! Kangaroos aren’t so bad; but they’ve learned to beg for food in urban areas & can smash up most cars if you hit them @ even minor speeds!

  4. Tracy-1ltwoody920

    Anybody ever had a turducken?
    My wife made the two of us one, once.
    A turkey breast, rolled around a duck steak, rolled around a link of chicken sausage

    • My daughter (A chef) makes a boned out turkey (about 6 kilograms sized; stuffed with a boned out duck; then a boned out chicken – Rolled roast tied up with sage & onion stuffing in the middle & between the layers of meat. A very large roast!
      Baste with olive oil & season each bird as you roll them together. Cook for 1 hour & a half per kilogram of roast weight. She usually puts it in the oven @ 6am for a Noon to 1pm Xmas dinner (We traditionally have turkey for Christmas in Australia; As we don’t have Thanksgiving here)

  5. Tracy-1ltwoody920

    And if no one wants a turkey roaming their game, what about a purple log of canned, jellied cranberry rolling along, dropping ff small pieces of tart goodness?

  6. Tracy-1ltwoody920

    One year we put the turkey on the Webber, cooked very slow with smoking pellets.
    Some ten hours later, brought it into the kitchen. MIL cries, “its raw, its pink”
    Tried to carve it and it simply fell apart in pieces. Delicious.

  7. We have wild turkey here. There’s been up to 14 at one time at my daughters house. They haven’t been a problem being aggressive to us, and yes we have a turkey and a ham for Thanksgiving 😊

  8. I don’t think eating turkeys is wrong, because that’s just the way nature works. One animal eats another, and a bigger animal eats that animal. Simple as that. My problem with eating meat is the way people treat the animals before they kill them, and the methods they kill them with. This mostly happens in more poor countries, but the ways people treat the animals is just inhumane. The animals should be happy and pain-free before the moment they die. Together with their comrades. And the deaths should be as painless and quick as possible.

  9. Replace the word queen with king and this could be you with your lizard brain patric.

  10. Haha very funny post a videos, no Thanksgiving here or turkeys roaming around, we usual have Turkey for Christmas or a nice roast, might just get a Turkey for family Sunday roast, making me hungry for Turkey 😁😁😁😁😁

  11. 🤣
    The 1st video, which was a kind of mocking the turkey 🦃 for the postal maid had – from the view of her camera – enough opportunities to enter her car, showed the territorial behaviour of the bird, but also it’s wisdom. Unless some dogs being in fact too little to stand a real fight the bird re-evaluated it’s chances to fight and switched immediately to another F: flee upon confrontation with some kicking legs. Watch the tail feathers. Little brain = fast decisions.

    I love this one 😂

  12. Tofurkys aren’t specifically made for vegetarians/meat eaters. In most cases they are made for people that are transitioning into a meat free lifestyle. It helps them to still get that meat feel withoutout going without. Then some non meat eaters eat it on holidays so they aren’t left out at the table when everyone else is eating. It’s so lonely being a vegetarian.

  13. If a black van shows up on your street with ( EALP ) on the side of it .
    Then you’ll have something to worry about . 🏠🚌
    An not even the turkeys can save you .

    🎬🎥🐒 . See ya bye . 👽

  14. 7. Flatulence
    It’s a turkey apocalypse in the northeast. They’re the new cockroach.

  15. I don’t need to say anything just watch.. enough said

  16. You are so funny. Thanks for the humorous post. I too was wondering where you were going – and thank you for clarifying the BB gun velocity – and started involuntary chuckling near the end. I live outside Nashville, TN and we have wild turkeys around us all the time. They are funny to watch and handsome in their own way but that is not why we don’t eat them at our house. We just prefer other holiday fare such as grilled salmon, roast beef, or even roast duck or goose. The weather is usually nice enough here to put the fish on the grill out on the deck and sit and tap and sip our favorite beverage while it cooks. Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks for all you do. Huzzah!

    • Thanks, Z! Sounds great! We are in “salmon country,” but don’t usually eat it for TG. Love it though….and would love the weather as well!

  17. I have wanted the NPC turkey for a long time. I’m really disappointed it’s not available.

  18. I was like where is this article going then it got funny LOL! I have peacocks btw. LOTS of peacocks in the greenspace behind my house. They do a pretty neat dance in the spring. My neighbors feed them. They respond to loud bangs or noises. I thought that would be annoying but it’s not and it’s for good reason. I think of it as a warning something is amiss near my house. Early warning system in a sense. My dogs will not allow the peacocks near my property but that only goes so far as my fence. I know they pass in front of my house all the time and will literally fly/jump over my roof and house sometimes (25 feet up).

    • Man. Peacocks are loud!!! You are a trooper.

      Turkeys are actually hilariously quiet for their body size.

    • Our neighbors had peacocks; But for some reason they preferred to fly a kilometre to our place & hang out there! Noisy buggers! Same neighbours bought an Angus x Wagyu bullock for meat – but he spent most of his time in our paddocks with our horses! Great one for hurdling barbed wire fences!

      I was 35 years old when I first saw a male peacock dance for the peahen! Such a special moment! I still recall it well; Though that was nearly 30 years ago! Such a weird drumming sound & all feathers in a fan display!

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