Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
2019 in TSTO has started with a very weird questline. Alice Glick has finally arrived in Springfield, and she’s brought a very weird mystery with her that the kids need to solve. The Mystery of the Brown House.
The writers have definitely taken an interesting twist with this one, so I thought i’d be fun to share the dialogue for those who may have quickly tapped through it. So let’s take a look at this Mystery of the Brown house…
What Makes a Home
Bart: Ah! Thanks to global warming, spring is already in the air. You know what that means?
Milhouse: Seasonal allergies?
Bart: It means we can swindle old ladies into paying us to do their spring cleaning!
Milhouse: Aw man, the only thing I hate more than cleaning is swindling. So much pressure!
Bart: Tell ya what: I’ll handle the swindling, you do the cleaning.
Milhouse: Phew, thanks.
Bart: There’s Mrs. Skinner! We’re supposed to be cleaning her house right now! Hide!
Make Milhouse Hide in the Brown House- 6s
Make Bart Hide in the Brown House- 6s
Bart: Whew, fortunately this Brown House was right here within running distance.
Milhouse: And it has an asthma inhaler in it, to help me recover from that short distance running.
Bart: Yeah, Brown Houses always have just what you need in them. It’s almost like they can read your mind.
Milhouse: It can read minds? I better not think of anything scary. Oh no, trying not to think of scary things is scary!
Mystery of the Brown House Pt. 1
Bart: We finished cleaning your Brown House, Ms. Glick!
Lisa: We?! I did all the cleaning, you and Milhouse just played Frisbee with Ms. Glick’s many, many doilies.
Bart: That’s not true — I also blew my nose into one.
Master Brown House: Milhouse. Milhouse, come to me. I have all the Puppy Goo-Goos you want.
Milhouse: Well, I only want one, so… okay! I’ll investigate this ominous voice.
Make Milhouse Investigate Ominous Voice- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Collect Hard Candies- x200. 4hrs
Alice Glick: Now now, children. I have enough candy for everyone. There’s no need to fight.
Bart: We’re not fighting. And neither of us wants the candy.
Alice Glick: Fine, more for me! …is what I would say if I could still eat candy. Now take some!
Mystery of the Brown House Pt. 2
Bart: All right, lady, we cleaned the house. Where’s the dough?
Alice Glick: Sorry, I don’t have dough, only candy.
Bart: No, I mean where’s the cheese?
Alice Glick: I don’t have any cheese either.
Lisa: Bart, stop using outdated, confusing slang terms for money and just ask for our payment!
Alice Glick: For all your hard work, here’s two shiny quarters.
Bart: Ugh, how are we gonna split that three ways?
Lisa: Wait a minute — where’s Milhouse? It’s not like him to not be lurking near me…
Place Ms. Glick’s House
Make Lisa Search for Milhouse- 4hrs, Earns $175, 45xp
Collect Hard Candies- x200. 4hrs
Lisa: I can’t find Milhouse anywhere.
Bart: Maybe he got lost trying to play hide-and-seek by himself again.
Lisa: He’d never be late to eat candy. I think something bad happened to him.
Alice Glick: I’m sure your friend Milton will show up when you least expect it. Have some more candy.
Mystery of the Brown House Pt. 3
Lisa: Do you ever wonder why Ms. Glick has us clean so many Brown Houses?
Bart: Maybe she’s a savvy business woman — she cleans houses and flips them for a tidy profit. I always wanted to say “tidy profit”. Makes me feel like a rich jerk from an ‘80s movie.
Lisa: No, those houses aren’t normal. They’re always abandoned, but fully furnished. I think there might be a connection between the Brown Houses and Milhouse going missing. If we just follow the clues and slowly piece them together–
Bart: Found it, right here on my phone. It’s like a curse/ritual sacrifice sorta thing.
Make Bart Undercut Lisa’s Big Moment- 4hrs, Earns $350, 90xp
Collect Hard Candies- x350. 4hrs
Bart: Why do you always want to piece together clues? So tedious.
Lisa: Just tell me what you found out!
Bart: Ms. Glick is actually hundreds of years old and has been sacrificing kids to the magical Brown House to stay alive.
Lisa: That’s amazing! I’m proud of you for figuring it out, Bart.
Bart: Some other kids figured it out and posted it to the Internet.
Mystery of the Brown House Pt. 4
Alice Glick: Say, would you kids like some more candy?
Bart: Why? So you can lure us into that house and sacrifice us?
Alice Glick:What?! I– how did you know about that?
Lisa: It’s online.
Alice Glick: Oh… I was planning on slowly revealing my scheme as I tortured you.
Lisa: I know, right? It takes all the fun out of this mystery.
Bart: Does it? It’s just less story to slog through.
Alice Glick: Well, I’m still going to go through with my ritual!
Make Ms. Glick prepare for the Ritual- 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp
Collect Hard Candies- x400. 4hrs
Alice Glick: And place an eye of newt here, and draw a pentagram on the floor over here…
Bart: “Eye of newt”? That’s so played out! Where do you even get that anymore?
Lisa: It’s a tried and true trope, Bart! It’s classic. Now let her go through her ritual!
Bart: Seems like a stall, is all I’m saying…
Mystery of the Brown House Pt. 5
Alice Glick: There, all set up.
Bart: Finally! Can we get on with it? We all know how it’s gonna end.
Alice Glick: Oh? How’s that?
Bart: You’re gonna try to sacrifice us, Lisa’s gonna figure out how to stop you, we save Milhouse and life goes on.
Lisa: As much as I hate to say it, he’s right. I mean, it’s not like this is Halloween where we can die.
Alice Glick:True, but it’s the only Glick-centered update I’m going to get, so I’m going to make it count!
Bart And Lisa: AHHHH!
Make Ms. Glick Sacrafice Bart and Lisa- 4hrs, Earns $525, 135xp
Collect Hard Candies- x300. 4hrs
Alice Glick:Wow! The house devoured them. Even I’M surprised that worked!
Lisa : So… what? We’re dead? That’s really not supposed to happen.
Master Brown House: But I need to feed on children’s souls in order to grant Ms. Glick eternal life.
Bart: Whoa! You can talk? That would have been fun to see in this update before now.
Lisa: Look, if we’re dead then people will get mad and stop tapping… and then this whole game will be dead.
Alice Glick:But I don’t want that! I just got here. I never even got to just walk around and do meaningless tasks.
Master Brown House: Look, all I really need is children’s souls. I could keep those and let the children go.
Lisa: Works for me, I guess. Bart?
Bart: Sure. I made a big stink about losing my soul once, but that was a long time ago.
Master Brown House: Great. The children get to stay and I get my dinner.
Alice Glick: And I get to live forever! *evil cackle*
Well that’s certainly one for the TSTO weird column for sure! I especially like how the tried to clean up saving Milhouse at the very end…just a little yellow box on the questline finished screen.
What are your thoughts on the dialogue? Did you read it the first time or tap right through? Thoughts on the first event of 2019? Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!