Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Everything’s coming up Milhouse! Last year we had The Flanders’s this year we have the Van Houtens!
Act 1 of this multi-event ushered in one new premium character to help navigate the start of this event. Kirkedemious is an all-new premium character for Springfield, who not only helps earn event currency (throughout the entire event) but also comes with a short questline.
So let’s take a look at the full dialogue for Salting the Books…
Salting the Books Pt. 1
Kirkedemious Van Houten: So this is the Springfield I’ve heard so much about. Time to go check up on the cracker factory. I’m sure the Van Houten name is thriving thanks to our family’s legendary square and salty goodness.
Cracker Manager: This here is the room where we salt the crackers. If we had the budget for it. These days, each cracker sheet is just rubbed against this salt block for twenty seconds.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: That’s enough salt for the people? We’re still the number one cracker in the tri-county area, I trust?
Cracker Manager: Oh, good gracious, no. Southern Cracker has fallen to the number six spot, behind Allied Biscuit.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Allied Biscuit? Allied Biscuit?!! Oh, if Grandpappy Van Houten knew we’d be playing second fiddle—
Cracker Manager: More like sixth fiddle.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:—to Allied Biscuit, he’d be rolling over in his grave… …if he hadn’t been cremated and sprinkled over a batch of Special Reserve Saltinettes.
Make Kirkedemious Go Over the Books- 4hrs
Kirkedemious Van Houten: These numbers can’t be correct. Sixteen thousand dollars for a nuclear-powered dough kneader?
Cracker Manager: Ah, yes that was for our limited release S’S’mores. For when you’ve had some s’mores but you need S’S’more s’mores.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: And another sixteen thousand for a grammar expert?
Cracker Manager: Right. Also for the S’S’mores campaign. Corporate couldn’t decide how many apostrophes was correct.
Salting the Books Pt. 2
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Luann.
Luann: Kirkedemious? I thought you were—
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Hiking the Andes with my mistress? I cut it short to check up on our factory. And I’m glad I did. Are you aware of the state of things?
Luann: Uh…Kirk did it!
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Tell me, Luann. What percentage of the local indigenous population is being exploited for labor in the factory?
Luann: Uh, well, I think zero.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Oh, that’s way too low. No wonder your profit margins are so thin.
Make Kirkedemious Look for Indigenous Springfielders to Exploit- 4hrs
Make Luann Yell at Kirk for the Factory Woes- 4hrs
Make Kirk Threaten Divorce but Take it Back- 4hrs
Luann: This is all your fault! Kirkedemious wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t taken over at the factory and driven it into the ground!
Kirk: Well I wouldn’t have had to take over at the factory if you’d been supportive of my competitive basket weaving. I could have gone pro!
Salting the Books Pt. 3
Kirkedemious Van Houten: I take it you are the chief recruiter of the local labor hiring hall?
Fat Tony: Among other arrangements, yes.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Then I need you to gather an assortment of indigenous laborers and have them report to the Southern Cracker factory. Ask for, um…Mr., uh…Mr. Manager.
Fat Tony: That can be arranged.
Make Kirkedemious Ask the Cracker Factory Manager’s Name- 8hrs
Make Fat Tony Round Up the Locals- 8hrs
Cletus: And so alls I gots to do is scrape all this dough off’a this machine here, and I can keep whatever I dun scraped?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Incredible. They’ve barely learned language at all. And what is the name of his tribe?
Fat Tony: They go by the moniker of “Yokels”.
Ralph: I like to lick the salt block!
Kirkedemious Van Houten: And this one is a Yokel as well?
Fat Tony: After a fashion.
Salting the Books Pt. 4
Wiggum: Excuse me. Are you…*reading*…Kirkedumbledore Von Hasselhoff?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Yes. Are you another Yokel?
Wiggum: I’m asking the questions here. It seems that Channel 6 News did an exposé on numerous labor code violations at your factory.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Is that a question?
Wiggum: No. My question is…I didn’t see the exposé…did you?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: I did not. But speaking of free media exposure I believe you would be the perfect spokesperson for our new Southern Cracker ad campaign…
Wiggum: I would?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Indeed. A rugged man among men, exploring the countryside, stopping here and there for the manliest of snacks — a cracker. Unless, of course, you’re busy with this…exposé, was it?
Wiggum:What, that? No, no, tell me more about my rugged man-among-manliness.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Of course. But first, let me see you pose just like I am.
Wiggum: Sure thing. Let me get my Springfield Explorers outfit.
Make Kirkedemious Pose- 1hr
Make Wiggum Run Home to Get His Explorer’s Outfit- 1hr
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Yes, that’s it. Perfection.
Wiggum: Should I raise my leg higher? No guarantees I’ll succeed, but I can try.
Salting the Books Pt. 5
Kirkedemious Van Houten: The numbers have just come in. Our ad campaign is a huge success, all thanks to you, Chief Wiggum.
Wiggum:Ah, well, just doing my job. My second job, that is.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: With these cracker sales, we can afford to buy real salt. The Van Houten name will mean something again. Other than “Made of Wood” of course.
Make Kirkedemious Salt the Crackers- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Audition for Other Modeling Gigs- 4hrs
Kent Brockman: Following our exposé last week, several of the exploited workers have bravely chosen to come forward.
Ralph: We Yokels demand freedom!
Wiggum: Look at that. Ralphie is a spokesman, too. He’s a chip off the old block.
Ralph: Salt makes my tongue mad!
Wiggum: Block of salt, that is.
And this concludes the premium dialogue for Kirkedemious.
Thoughts on Act 1 of the event? Did you buy Kirkedemious? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!