The Van Houtens Act 1 Premium Questline: Kirkedemious Van Houten

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

Everything’s coming up Milhouse!  Last year we had The Flanders’s this year we have the Van Houtens!

Act 1 of this multi-event ushered in one new premium character to help navigate the start of this event.  Kirkedemious is an all-new premium character for Springfield, who not only helps earn event currency (throughout the entire event) but also comes with a short questline.

So let’s take a look at the full dialogue for Salting the Books

Salting the Books Pt. 1
KirkedemiousVanHouten Starts

Kirkedemious Van Houten: So this is the Springfield I’ve heard so much about. Time to go check up on the cracker factory. I’m sure the Van Houten name is thriving thanks to our family’s legendary square and salty goodness.
Cracker Manager: This here is the room where we salt the crackers. If we had the budget for it. These days, each cracker sheet is just rubbed against this salt block for twenty seconds.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: That’s enough salt for the people? We’re still the number one cracker in the tri-county area, I trust?
Cracker Manager: Oh, good gracious, no. Southern Cracker has fallen to the number six spot, behind Allied Biscuit.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Allied Biscuit? Allied Biscuit?!! Oh, if Grandpappy Van Houten knew we’d be playing second fiddle—
Cracker Manager: More like sixth fiddle.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:—to Allied Biscuit, he’d be rolling over in his grave… …if he hadn’t been cremated and sprinkled over a batch of Special Reserve Saltinettes.
Make Kirkedemious Go Over the Books- 4hrs
Kirkedemious Van Houten: These numbers can’t be correct. Sixteen thousand dollars for a nuclear-powered dough kneader?
Cracker Manager: Ah, yes that was for our limited release S’S’mores. For when you’ve had some s’mores but you need S’S’more s’mores.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: And another sixteen thousand for a grammar expert?
Cracker Manager: Right. Also for the S’S’mores campaign. Corporate couldn’t decide how many apostrophes was correct.

Salting the Books Pt. 2
KirkedemiousVanHouten Starts

Kirkedemious Van Houten: Luann.
Luann: Kirkedemious? I thought you were—
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Hiking the Andes with my mistress? I cut it short to check up on our factory. And I’m glad I did. Are you aware of the state of things?
Luann: Uh…Kirk did it!
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Tell me, Luann. What percentage of the local indigenous population is being exploited for labor in the factory?
Luann: Uh, well, I think zero.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Oh, that’s way too low. No wonder your profit margins are so thin.
Make Kirkedemious Look for Indigenous Springfielders to Exploit- 4hrs
Make Luann Yell at Kirk for the Factory Woes- 4hrs
Make Kirk Threaten Divorce but Take it Back- 4hrs
Luann: This is all your fault! Kirkedemious wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t taken over at the factory and driven it into the ground!
Kirk: Well I wouldn’t have had to take over at the factory if you’d been supportive of my competitive basket weaving. I could have gone pro!

Salting the Books Pt. 3
KirkedemiousVanHouten Starts

Kirkedemious Van Houten: I take it you are the chief recruiter of the local labor hiring hall?
Fat Tony: Among other arrangements, yes.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Then I need you to gather an assortment of indigenous laborers and have them report to the Southern Cracker factory. Ask for, um…Mr., uh…Mr. Manager.
Fat Tony: That can be arranged.
Make Kirkedemious Ask the Cracker Factory Manager’s Name- 8hrs
Make Fat Tony Round Up the Locals- 8hrs
Cletus: And so alls I gots to do is scrape all this dough off’a this machine here, and I can keep whatever I dun scraped?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Incredible. They’ve barely learned language at all. And what is the name of his tribe?
Fat Tony: They go by the moniker of “Yokels”.
Ralph: I like to lick the salt block!
Kirkedemious Van Houten: And this one is a Yokel as well?
Fat Tony: After a fashion.

Salting the Books Pt. 4
KirkedemiousVanHouten Starts

Wiggum: Excuse me. Are you…*reading*…Kirkedumbledore Von Hasselhoff?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Yes. Are you another Yokel?
Wiggum: I’m asking the questions here. It seems that Channel 6 News did an exposé on numerous labor code violations at your factory.
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Is that a question?
Wiggum: No. My question is…I didn’t see the exposé…did you?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: I did not. But speaking of free media exposure I believe you would be the perfect spokesperson for our new Southern Cracker ad campaign…
Wiggum: I would?
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Indeed. A rugged man among men, exploring the countryside, stopping here and there for the manliest of snacks — a cracker. Unless, of course, you’re busy with this…exposé, was it?
Wiggum:What, that? No, no, tell me more about my rugged man-among-manliness.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: Of course. But first, let me see you pose just like I am.
Wiggum: Sure thing. Let me get my Springfield Explorers outfit.
Make Kirkedemious Pose- 1hr
Make Wiggum Run Home to Get His Explorer’s Outfit- 1hr
Kirkedemious Van Houten:Yes, that’s it. Perfection.
Wiggum: Should I raise my leg higher? No guarantees I’ll succeed, but I can try.

Salting the Books Pt. 5
KirkedemiousVanHouten Starts

Kirkedemious Van Houten: The numbers have just come in. Our ad campaign is a huge success, all thanks to you, Chief Wiggum.
Wiggum:Ah, well, just doing my job. My second job, that is.
Kirkedemious Van Houten: With these cracker sales, we can afford to buy real salt. The Van Houten name will mean something again. Other than “Made of Wood” of course.
Make Kirkedemious Salt the Crackers- 4hrs
Make Wiggum Audition for Other Modeling Gigs- 4hrs
Kent Brockman: Following our exposé last week, several of the exploited workers have bravely chosen to come forward.
Ralph: We Yokels demand freedom!
Wiggum: Look at that. Ralphie is a spokesman, too. He’s a chip off the old block.
Ralph: Salt makes my tongue mad!
Wiggum: Block of salt, that is.

And this concludes the premium dialogue for Kirkedemious.

Thoughts on Act 1 of the event?  Did you buy Kirkedemious?   Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!

7 responses to “The Van Houtens Act 1 Premium Questline: Kirkedemious Van Houten

  1. I don’t have anything else to spend sprinkles on, so I buy all of the premium event items. I enjoyed the quest line for this one, so no regrets

  2. P.S.

    When I read “yokels” in the Character Dialogue, I thought of those who speak Pittsburghese! ☺️

  3. Kirkedemious Van Houten w/the Van Houten Villa – gladly spent the sprinkles on this Premium Combo …. you’re going to spend 🍩’s if you want to make the most of obtaining the Van Houten Family in this Event (at least his Questline was fun, it wasn’t a grind like the Event). It depends if you are interested in the Premiums for an Event (ie I had zero interest in the last Mini Event, so I didn’t bother obtaining the Premium Combo!)

    I’m looking forward to seeing what new premium show up in Act 2 Act 3 Act 4 (thanks to Patric’s Calendar, you get a good idea of what to expect)! 👍🏻

  4. Hey everybody ! [In Doctor Nicks voice of course]I

    Just checking in to say hi, even though I’m taking a break from TSTO just now!

    Hope all of you are well. 😷😛

    • Hey
      I hope you are Staying Safe.

      I hope everything is right in your World (or steps being taken to do so).

      Let’s hope for a better tomorrow, not just for us, but for the next generations.

      I may not Tap that often, but when I do it’s usually to re-edit my Springfield (enjoy what new Content I can).

      Not going to lie, there’s enough of a list of problems EA can’t ignore (or they can continue to do so and lose Tappers). There will come a time that I Tap one day a week, because there are new platform games (Console, PC) that will be a recreational pursuit.


      • Yeah everyone close to me is still healthy so far and I’m thankful for that.

        It is an ongoing sorry that people I know could get it as my youngest daughter has just started high school (over here high school usually starts when the kids are about 11/12 years old)
        and contrary to the original plans the government have decided it’s safe for the kids to attend school full-time again.

        At the moment resurgence’s of Covid 19 have been confined to specific locations whereupon lockdown restrictions have been implemented by local governments within the effected areas.
        There is clearly considerable ongoing concern given the number of countries that continue to be added to the quarantine list. My wife reckons that the government might be using the covid situation to explain certain issues that are down to their incompetent handling of the brexit situation. Anyway Alissa doesn’t like us talking about politics so much so I’ll say no more about conspiracy theories!

        Yes, there really is a great need for hope in the world right now as I’ve never known so many people being so utterly divided as at this time right now in history.

        Perhaps something beautiful will grow out of this steaming pile of crap!

        Re TSTO I played intensively for a couple of months earlier this year in terms of rebuilding my original town and have very little interest in the events any more, plus there has been a monumental update in Minecraft that has completely stolen my attention as far as gaming is concerned.

        Take Care All 😛

        • You have join my oldest nephew age 17 in becoming a Minecraft Addict (good on you) 😉👍🏻

          Covid-19 remains of pandemic everywhere globally, we try not to be political on TSTO Addicts (per Momma 🐻 – bless her ❤️ with tolerating so much already) but nobody’s going to deny the incompetent tactics in 🇺🇸 (well I’m not).

          My older brother (age 57) spent three weeks in ICU, 12 of my coworkers (from ages 38 to 62) became infected over the past 3 months, 4 died …. it’s no wonder I go through a decontamination chamber before entering the job site, then go through it again before going home (and it’s probably what’s keeping me from not getting infected).

          Here in Nevada we still have choices, nephews and niece can school at home on tablets until things improve (I can’t say the same for those who are out of work, except they probably should change jobs – which one you choose presents a risk of exposure).

          I do miss social activity and so does the Mrs, hopefully this will all end when we gain more competent solutions under better leadership.

          Yep, TSTO will probably lose my attention once Cyberpunk 2077 starts in November 😂 (for now let’s all stay safe and have fun).

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