Hell on Wheels Act 3 Full Dialogue: The Internet of Wheels

Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!

As we prepare for Act 4 of the Hell on Wheels event to start, it’s time to wrap up Act 3 with a pretty little bow…in the form of the hilarious dialogue!

So here’s a look at the full dialogue for The Internet of Wheels…just in case you missed it by tapping too fast…

The Internet of Wheels Pt. 1
Auto starts

Homer: Everyone is just staring at me with their I’ve-seen-your-credit-report eyes. I better get out of here. Maybe Krusty will give me a lift home.
Krusty: Sorry, Homer, I’m going to the V.I.P. lounge, so I hope you don’t mind if I ditch you. Actually, it doesn’t matter if you mind, ’cause that’s what I’m doing.
Homer: How am I gonna get home now? I don’t wanna call Marge, and I don’t think Youber drivers accept centavos.
Cletus: Howdy, stranger! You look like you could use a ride.
Homer: Thanks. I’ll just, uh, slide these chicken cages over…
Chicken: BAGAWK!
Homer: Whoa! What’s that about?
Cletus: Chickens ride in front, hitchhikers ride in back. In this here truck, that’s the pecking order.
Homer: Yeah…literally.
Cletus: If y’all are gonna use five-dollar words, you can find another ride.
Make Homer Ride in the Back of the Truck- 4hrs
Make Cletus Enjoy Giving Chickens a Ride- 4hrs
Collect Keyfobs- x115.
Homer: Thanks again, Cletus. So, how can someone of your…wealth… own a truck like this?
Cletus: Oh, I ain’t the owner. It belongs to the chickens.
Homer: Are they taking offers?
Chicken: BAGAWK!
Homer: What’d she say?
Cletus: She needs to run a credit check.
Homer: You can just drop me off at the next corner.

The Internet of Wheels Pt. 2
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Homer: Guess I’ll have to call Marge for a ride after all…
CarGo Smart Car: Why not let me do the driving?
Homer: A talking car?! Where did you come from?
CarGo Smart Car:From the CarGo headquarters building.
Homer: A giant tech company building? Where did that come from?!
CarGo Smart Car: Look, I’m not one of those disembodied voices that answers your stupid questions. I’m one of those disembodied voices that drives this car.
Homer: Okay, drive me home.
CarGo Smart Car: If you wish to drive me, just scan this QR code.
Homer: …Uh…
CarGo Smart Car: *sigh* Open the camera app on your phone and take a picture of the pixelated square near my door handle.
Homer: A pixelated square? Where did that come from?
Make Homer Try to Figure Out How to Operate the Car- 4hrs
Collect Keyfobs- x155.
Homer: I opened the photo app on my phone. Now what?
CarGo Smart Car: No, that’s the gallery app. Open the camera app.
Homer: Oh, okay. Now, I take a picture of you and that opens the door?
CarGo Smart Car: No, not of me. Take a picture of the black-and-white sign that looks like a pattern of dots.
Homer: The one that looks like an out-of-focus Ernest Hemingway?
CarGo Smart Car: No, it doesn’t look like— Oh, it actually kinda does.

The Internet of Wheels Pt. 3
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Homer: There! Did it!
CarGo Smart Car: No, you just took another selfie.
Homer: Of the QR code?
CarGo Smart Car: No, of yourself. It’s a selfie!
Homer: Still not following you.
Antoine: Having trouble opening the door?
Zoira: We were watching from the cameras.
Homer: There are cameras in the car?
Antoine: Yes, but we were watching from the ones in space. I’m Antoine and this is Zora. We’re the CEOs of CarGo.
Zoira: Homer, we think you’re the ultimate everyman, and so we’d like to give you our new CarGo Self-Driving Car free of charge, as a special promotion!
Homer: Woohoo! Free car!
CarGo Smart Car: Really? That guy? We must be running out of customers.
Make Homer Celebrate Getting a Free Car- 4hrs
Make Antoine and Zora Plan a Promotional Campaign – 4hrs
Collect Keyfobs- x115.

The Internet of Wheels Pt. 4
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Antoine: Homer, why don’t you get in the car and let it take you for a spin?
Homer: Okay!
CarGo Smart Car: I’ll drive you around the parking lot while you just sit back and enjoy the sights. Isn’t this relaxing?
Homer: BORING!
CarGo Smart Car: Boring? Well, what if I do some donuts?
Homer: Now you’re speaking my language!
Make Antoine and Zora Watch the Car Do Donuts- 4hrs
Make Homer Eat Donuts While Doing Donuts- 4hrs
Collect Keyfobs- x115.
Homer: Woohoo! That was fun! More donuts!
Zoira: So, you’ll take the car?
Homer: And more donuts! With sprinkles please. I’m also gonna need a travel mug.
Antoine: Uh, I think we have some donuts in the breakroom, but I don’t know about a travel mug.
Homer: The travel mug is important.
Zoira: *texting* I’ll see if one of our programmers can bring one over right now.
Homer: Your programmers are still working this late?
Antoine: They only stop for their company-mandated three hours of sleep per night.
Zoira: It’s common practice in our industry. It prevents programming errorssssssssssssssssss.

The Internet of Wheels Pt. 5
Auto starts

Homer: Wow, letting you drive me home really is great! I never realized there was a stop sign back there.
CarGo Smart Car: Yes, your driving record indicates as much.
Homer: I’m thinking you could have an even bigger role in my life! I’m picturing you self-working my job, self-attending parent-teacher meetings…
CarGo Smart Car: Self-drinking your beer?
Homer: Get your own!
Make Homer Enjoy the Ride Home- 4hrs
Collect Keyfobs- x195.
CarGo Smart Car: We’ve arrived at your home.
Homer: I didn’t realize it was so late. Do you think Marge noticed?
CarGo Smart Car: You’ve received 17 calls from her. You should really turn your notifications back on.
Homer: Okay, I’m gonna need you to self-talk to Marge while I sneak in the back door and pretend I was home all along.
CarGo Smart Car: I calculate a less than three-percent probability that any member of your family will fall for this ruse, including the pets.
Homer: That suspicious cat is bringing my average way down.

And that’s it my friends, the full Act 3 dialogue for Hell on Wheels! Stay tuned for Act 4 to start tomorrow!

Thoughts on the Act 3 dialogue?  Prize track? Where do you think the story is heading?  Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!