Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Well as the 4th of July Event comes to a close we thought now would be a fun time to take a look back at the dialogue you may have missed from the event while tapping.
Richard Nixon is a new premium character for TSTO with the 4th of July update and he comes with an amusing questline. So now let’s take a look at all the fun you may have missed during Dick Nixon’s questline…
Quimby: Mr. Nixon, sir? As a career politician with a deep commitment to serving the needs of myself, I am honored to meet you.
Nixon: The pleasure is all Nixon’s, Nixon’s main man.
Quimby: I was wondering — as a relative novice in the ways of political wrongdoing, might I pick your brain for a bit? With all humility, of course…
Nixon: Nixon apologizes if this seems indiscreet, but, what is this “I” word you use to indicate you are discussing yourself?
Quimby: Er ah… the first person singular. Indicating the speaker is referring to him- or herself.
Nixon: Dick Nixon is not familiar with this particular turn of phrase. Dick Nixon feels that it connotes weakness in the speaker.
Quimby: But isn’t it — forgive me, oh Vile Sachem — kind of mandatory? An inescapable convention of — by your pardon, oh Satanic Sage — the English language?
Nixon: Well, Dick Nixon doesn’t claim that Richard M. Nixon has a scholar’s grasp of grammatical rules. But it seems to Richard Milhouse Nixon that–
Milhouse: Hey! My name is Milhouse!
Nixon: Go away, blue child. –anyway, it seems to Nixon that a great leader should always separate himself from the rules of grammar, or, it seems, all reasonable behavior.
Quimby: I will learn… er, that is, Quimby will learn this moronic lesson well.
Make Quimby Practice Speaking in the Third Person- 6hrs, Earns $225, 55xp
Scandal-gate Pt. 1
Brockman: This just in! Last night, a break-in occurred at the historic Scandal-gate Hotel. The thieves raided the headquarters of the Springfield Botanical Society, making off with $9.78 in petty cash and some packets of seeds. Several of the seed packets were for petunias. I don’t know why that detail is considered relevant by the half-wits who wrote this copy for me to read off the teleprompter.
Nixon: A break-in at the Scandal-gate? It’s happening again…
Wiggum: I’ll get my best man on it. My best man is not very good, unfortunately. He’s terrible. But he’s a slightly better man than my other men, who are all shockingly bad men.
Make Richard Nixon Turn Himself In- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Nixon: Look no further, copper! Nixon is your man. Nixon is behind this heinous crime.
Wiggum: Isn’t that impossible? You just beamed into town like five minutes ago.
Nixon: Nixon did it, and now he’s orchestrating a vast cover-up to hide his involvement. This thing goes all the way to the top.
Lisa: Mr. President, why are you trying to take the blame for something you obviously didn’t do?
Nixon: Nixon obviously did so do it. Nixon’s behind this despicable political attack. Arrest Nixon.
Lisa: What political reason could there be for you to target a group of elderly gardening enthusiasts?
Nixon: Follow the money.
Lisa: Nine dollars and seventy-eight cents? THAT money?
Nixon: I know! Nixon must be a lunatic. But he definitely did it. Just like in 1972.
Scandal-gate Pt. 2
Lisa: Mr. President, now that we’re alone, please tell me why you’re taking the fall for the break-in at the Scandal-gate?
Nixon: I have to. Just like I had to in 1972. To protect the American people.
Lisa: But you WERE behind that break-in! Everybody knows that. There were YEARS of investigations, THOUSANDS of articles…
Nixon: All lies, planted by the jive turkeys who were really behind it. They were running scared. Because Nixon and his friends had cracked the case. Dick Nixon, you see, is a master detective. Nixon makes Sherlock Holmes look like a blithering idiot. And Nixon filled his White House with fellow super-sleuths. Ehrlichman, John Dean, Haldeman and Nixon called ourselves “The Mystery Solvers Club.” We had closed hundreds of cases the fuzz deemed “unsolvable.” At night, we prowled the streets of D.C., magnifying glasses in hand, collecting clues. But when, in 1972, we realized the truth behind the break-in, we decided it was too big, too terrible to ever get out. The American people need to believe in their government. But they also need the bad guys to get caught. So we let ourselves BECOME the bad guys. It’s like in “The Dark Knight” when Batman lets himself be framed for the murder of Harvey Dent. Nixon is pretty sure that’s based on Nixon, by the way.
Lisa: I’ve never seen it.
Nixon: Never seen “The Dark Knight?” How is that even possible? It’s like my seventh-favorite movie EVER. Come on. We’re watching it right now.
Make Richard Nixon Watch “The Dark Knight”- 6hrs, Earns $350, 90xp
Make Lisa Watch “The Dark Knight”- 6hrs, Earns $225, 55xp
Scandal-gate Pt. 3
Nixon: NOW do you see, Lisa? NOW do you dig how Dick Nixon is maybe an even better Batman than Christian Bale?
Lisa: Not really. What WAS this horrible truth you were trying to keep from the American people?
Nixon: In Washington, nothing is as it seems. What you think you know, you don’t. And what you definitely don’t know, you do. Tell me — who are the LAST two people you would ever expect to be the masterminds of the break-in?
Lisa: Geez, I don’t know… Probably Woodward and Bernstein?
Make Richard Nixon Blow Everyone’s Minds- 1hr, Earns $105, 26xp
Make Lisa Get her Mind Blown- 1hr, Earns $105, 26xp
Scandal-gate Pt. 4
Lisa: Woodward and Bernstein were crusading, intrepid reporters who re-established the rule of law in Washington!
Nixon: They were conservative operatives posing as reporters, at a hardline neo-Fascist think tank posing as The Washington Post. It says so on the masthead: “The Washington Post is a front for a hardline neo-Fascist think tank.” Why doesn’t anyone ever read the masthead?
Lisa: Well, it’s kind of small print. I assumed it wasn’t that important…
Nixon: Anyway, those reactionaries had to do SOMETHING to stop me. They knew about my second-term agenda
Lisa: Which was?
Nixon: Please understand that Nixon’s biography is a lie. Nixon grew up on an anarchist Marxist Buddhist hippie commune on the upper slopes of Mount Everest.
Lisa: Where the air is far too thin to breathe…
Nixon: Shut up.
Lisa: You’re insane.
Nixon: NIXON WAS LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, AND NIXON SAYS SHUT UP.
Make Lisa Sulk- 45s, Earns $3, 1xp
Scandal-gate Pt. 5
Nixon: Anyway, Nixon spent decades deep undercover as a Republican. All to set up my glorious second term. I called it: “The Love Agenda.” We were gonna press the “reset” button on America. No more military, no more money. No more “rich” and “poor.” No more “police.” No more “fire department” or “hospitals.” Just people, you know? Hanging out, digging on good music and positive vibes.
Lisa: That’s a great system. Very well thought out.
Nixon: Then Woodward and Bernstein caught wind of it, and eighty-sixed the whole beautiful vision. But we’ll get there. People are too damn groovy not to get there.
Lisa: I really hope you’re wrong about that.
Nixon: In fact, I’m gonna go soak up some love right now. Later, square.
Lisa: So long, Another Intensely Disappointing Ex-President.
Make Richard Nixon Wave to the People- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
If you have George and Abe this will start up for you..
Who Led Them Better
Nixon: What it is, Abe?
Lincoln: Richard Nixon! What in the blazes are you doing here?
Nixon: Got sucked into a time vortex or something. Same as you.
Washington: Is that Dick Nixon?
Washington: I hate that dude.
Lincoln: He’s not the best.
Nixon: Whoa, daddy-os! We’re all ex-Presidents here. Why the cold shoulder?
Washington: Gee, I don’t know… maybe because you very nearly destroyed the government I worked so hard to build?
Lincoln: Yeah, the same government I gave my LIFE for.
Washington: It’s just… we know, okay? We know you got assassinated.
Lincoln: Well, I did.
Washington: You just don’t have to mention it in like every conversation, is all.
Lincoln: Oh, I’m sorry if my taking a bullet to the head is so unpleasant for you. I can assure you, it was far worse from where I was sitting.
Washington: Look. It’s not a competition: “Who was a better President, Abe or George?” You’ve got nothing to prove. So relax.
Lincoln: I didn’t realize that my sacrifice — THE GREATEST SACRIFICE A MAN CAN MAKE, BY THE WAY — was something I should be ashamed of. So sorry.
Washington: Whatever. Drop it.
Nixon: Whoa! Getting a little icy in here, boys. Whaddya say we take it down a notch, and all kick back with our favorite pastimes?
Make George Washington Try to Cut Down a Cherry Tree- 12hrs, Earns $600, 150xp
Make Abraham Lincoln Split Rails- 8hrs, Earns $420, 105xp
Make Richard Nixon Bowl Around Town- 4hrs, Earns $260, 70xp
Lincoln: George, we can argue for eternity about which of us was the greatest, but at least we agree on one thing.
Washington: Nixon was the worst.
Nixon: Come on, it wasn’t all bad! I opened up China to the West. That was HUGE.
Washington: That’s your thing, isn’t it? Like how Lincoln always mentions he got shot. You’re all: “sure, I disgraced the office, but remember China! What about China?”
Lincoln: He does bring it up a lot.
Washington: So pathetic.
Lincoln: But seriously, George, for the record — I DID get shot.
Washington: Just stop.
And with that the questline is complete!
If run from start to finish, with out using donuts it will take you almost 29hrs and 45 seconds to complete…if you don’t have Abe and George. And another 12hrs if you have Abe and George.
What do YOU think of Richard Nixon? Are you happy to have another President in Springfield? What did you think of the questline? Sound off in the comments below, you know we LOVE hearing from you!