Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
In our games, the snow is falling and TSTO is calling yoo hoo! It’s the most wonderful time of the year Tappers, Christmas in TSTO! This year is no exception with the 2020 Clash of Creeds Event!
Act 4 of this Event ushered in two new premium characters. One to help with the event, and the other as part of a Gil “deal”.
So let’s take a look at Yahweh and Andre’s questlines. Here’s the full dialogue for The Mid-Life Tribulation and Heaven Forbidden…
First up, Yahweh…
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 1
Yahweh: So what’s he doing now?
Moses: Yahweh, I’m really not comfortable spying on God for you. Can’t you just be happy being yourself?
Yahweh: I am happy. But I want to know what his secret is. Why is he so much more popular than me?
Moses: I wouldn’t say he’s more popular.
Yahweh: I have ten million followers and he has over a billion. I’d say that’s more popular.
Moses: Well, he appeals to a different demo.
Yahweh: What do you mean a different demo? Is that some kind of crack?
Moses: You appeal to believers who are more sophisticated, more mature…
Yahweh: Are you saying I’m old?
Make Yahweh Realize He’s Old- 4hrs
Make Moses Worry About Where This is Heading- 4hrs
Yahweh: It has been a while since I smote an Assyrian horde. And I don’t even remember the last time I saw the old Pillar of Salt, if you know what I mean.
Moses: Sadly, I do. What I would give to be 800 again!
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 2
Yahweh: Ok, maybe I am not quite as young as I once was. But age is just a number, right? 4,000 is the new 2,000. We just need to get back out there.
Moses: Or maybe we should just gracefully accept the inevitable?
Yahweh: The first step is to get ripped.
Make Yahweh Join a Gym- 4hrs
Make Moses Reluctantly Get Into Cycling- 4hrs
Yahweh: My body fat is five percent and my resting heart rate is 50. I feel like I did on the seventh day!
Moses: Weren’t you tired then from creating the universe?
Yahweh: Nothing that a mimosa over brunch couldn’t fix. That’s why I created Sundays.
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 3
Yahweh: Now that we’re ripped, our faith will surely start appealing to a younger demographic. Go round up some new followers. Starting with her.
Moses: I think the headphones mean “leave me alone”.
Yahweh: Or, maybe they mean “I like music”, you wuss. Come on, show some swagger, Moses.
Moses: If you say so.
Yahweh: I say so.
Make Yahweh Get on Instagram- 4hrs
Make Moses Approach Gym Patrons- 4hrs
Make Cookie Kwan Ignore Moses- 4hrs
Make Squeaky Voice Teen Ask Yahweh and Moses to Leave- 4hrs
Yahweh: Did you get her number?
Moses: How old are you? Even I know nobody asks for a number anymore. I didn’t even get eye contact.
Yahweh: Okay, I’ll admit it. You were right. People go to the gym to work out, not to be hit on by Old Testament prophets.
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 4
Moses: Maybe we should focus on recruiting more age-appropriate followers.
Yahweh: Maybe you should stop being such a Deuteronomy Downer. We just need to sweeten the pot by showing that we’re not just incredibly ripped — we’re fun, exciting, and rich!
Make Yahweh Buy a Porsche- 4hrs
Make Moses Check Yahweh’s Followers- 4hrs
Wiggum: License and registration.
Yahweh: I don’t have either of those.
Wiggum: Do you have any photo ID?
Yahweh: Sorry, not a big fan of graven images.
Wiggum: How am I supposed to give you a ticket?
Moses: My friend has been going through a hard time lately. His people left him for a younger Supreme Being. If you could possibly forgive us this once, there could be some milk and honey in it for you.
Wiggum: What do I look like — a Graham Cracker?
Moses: Milk and honey and donuts.
Wiggum: Drive safely!
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 5
Yahweh: We’ll take the hoodie, for sure. The Skechers, definitely.
Zoo Visitor: Right on.
Yahweh: What do you think about board shorts? Can I pull those off?
Zoo Visitor: For sure.
Moses: What’s wrong with the robes? The robes have dignity.
Yahweh: The robes scream day room in the senior center. We might as well carry a remote and use walkers. We’re never going to get cool young followers with the robes.
Moses: The robes are forgiving. The robes cover a lot of middle-age spread.
Yahweh: You’ve got a point. Do you have camo jackets?
Zoo Visitor: Right this way.
Make Yahweh Post Selfies- 4hrs
Make Moses Compare Yahweh’s Follower Counts to God’s- 4hrs
Yahweh: Moses, my man! You look fly!
Moses: I feel stupid.
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 6
Yahweh: Now that we’ve got the look, where do we show it off?
Moses: The food court at the mall?
Yahweh: I don’t think that’s quite the right place to connect to the new young followers we need.
Make Yahweh Go to a Rave- 4hrs
Make Moses Reluctantly Tag Along- 4hrs
Make God Like Yahweh’s Rave Selfies- 4hrs
Yahweh: *shouting* This is amazing!
Yahweh: This is fantastic!
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 7
Yahweh: This rave is off the hook!
Moses: Can we go now? I’m tired.
Yahweh: Have one of these energy drinks. That’ll pick you up — big time!
Moses: What’s in it?
Yahweh: Who knows!
Moses: Where’d you get it?
Yahweh: They’re going around.
Moses: Do you think that’s wise?
Yahweh: Lighten up, Moses. You’ve got to get into the vibe if we want to connect to young followers.
Moses: I think I’m going to pass.
Yahweh: More for me!
Make Yahweh Keep the Party Going- 4hrs
Make Moses Quietly Edit Yahweh’s Tweets- 4hrs
Yahweh: I’m thinking of changing my name to Y-Axis.
Moses: Why would you do that?
Yahweh: Why? Y? I get it. That’s hilarious.
Yahweh: You should change your name to Mu-ses.
Moses: I’m good with Moses.
Yahweh: BOR-ING! Don’t you see it? Mu. It’s a Greek letter. It’s a variable. It’s a Zen koan. It’s everything. You’re everything.
Moses: I think we should get you home.
The Mid-Life Tribulation Pt. 8
Yahweh: What happened last night? I’ve got millions of new followers but my head hurts, my feet hurt, and I’m all over TMZ with my face buried in a burrito.
Moses: I told you no good would come of acting like kids.
Yahweh: You were right. We should stick to our demo.
Make Yahweh Hire An Image Consultant- 24hrs
Make Moses Put His Feet Up- 4hrs
Moses: Isn’t this better? Sunshine, orange juice, and eggs benedict! This is the life for men — or beings — of our stature.
Yahweh: The crowd here makes me feel old.
Moses: You are old.
Yahweh: I guess so. I think those ladies at the buffet are checking us out. Yes, they are definitely checking us out. Go see if you can recruit them.
Yahweh: We’re old, not dead. I’ve still got some of the Old Infinite Power.
Moses: Can’t you just go talk to them?
Yahweh: If I could do that, what would I need prophets for?
Moses: Fine. Just let me finish my eggs.
Yahweh: Take your time. We don’t want to seem too eager.
And now, from Gil’s Heaven on Earth “deal”, Andre…
Heaven Forbidden Pt. 1
Andre: Gah! Where — where am I? This doesn’t look like heaven. Excuse me, ma’am? Is…is this heaven?
Lindsay Naegle: Ugh, do you know how many times I’ve heard that line? Get away, creep.
Andre: I’ll take that as a no. That line always works in heaven.
Make Andre Try to Get Back to Heaven- 8hrs
Make Lindsey Naegle Refill Her Mace- 4hrs
Andre: Excuse me, sir? Is…is this hell?
Moe: Ah, common misconception. No, this is Springfield. But if you’re looking for hell, I can give you directions. Here, talk to this guy when you get there. He’ll get you set up.
Heaven Forbidden Pt. 2
Demon Moe: Yeah, yeah we get a lot of fallen angels down here. It’s kinda our thing, you know.
Andre: I’ve heard that.
Demon Moe: My friend, Lou. He was a fallen angel. Great guy. Great guy. Found himself in Springfield first, but that didn’t last long. Been down here with us ever since.
Andre: Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know a way to get back to heaven, would you? Maybe a…secret tunnel from hell?
Demon Moe: Well now why would you wanna go and do a thing like that? What, we’re not good enough for you down here? You gotta run back to your white hat friends?
Andre: No, no, it’s just that I, uh…forgot my toothbrush.
Demon Moe: We got toothbrushes down here. We’ve got all kinds of toothbrushes. What do you want, stiff bristles? Extra grippy handle? One of them electric ones? I got a toothbrush guy, he’ll get you set up.
Andre: Great. Thanks.
Make Andre Pretend to Shop for Toothbrushes in Hell – 4hrs
Make Demon Moe Introduce Andre to His Toothbrush Guy- 4hrs
Lovejoy: Yes, can I help you?
Andre: Hey, you’re a reverend, right? So you can talk to God?
Lovejoy: Uh…yes, I speak with him every day.
Andre: Great, great. Can you get him a message for me? Let him know that it’s Andre. There’s been a mix-up. I somehow ended up down on the mortal coil. Ask him if he can send his driver to pick me up.
Lovejoy: Uh, these conversations I have with God, they’re…somewhat one-sided. I talk, and he listens. I assume.
Andre: Wait, he didn’t give you his direct line?
Lovejoy: There’s a direct — no, he did not. Look, I’m not supposed to tell people this but…God actually lives over in Springfield Heights. But good luck getting past the gate around his mansion. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Heaven Forbidden Pt. 3
Andre: *presses gate intercom button* God?! Are you there, God?! It’s me, Andre!
Intercom: Andre? What in — what are you doing here?
Andre: Oh, I’m so glad I found you. God, you wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through.
Intercom: You fell from heaven, you weren’t sure why, you asked a few people and found out I was living here, and that pretty much brings us up to speed.
Andre: Exactly. Just the worst. So what happened, why am I here? I mean, I didn’t do something wrong, did I?
Intercom: Uh…no. Definitely not. You’re just, uh…here for a special mission. Yeah, that’s it.
Andre: *gasp* I knew it! Of course you’d save the most important mission for me. So what is it?
Intercom: Well, uh…let’s see. Oh, I know. A portal to hell has opened up in Springfield and I need you to close it up. Can’t be having any demons getting through.
Andre: Oh, yeah I know exactly where it is. I was just — uh, I mean…I heard about it.
Intercom: Great. Sure, yeah go take care of that. Away from here. Don’t come back here.
Andre: And then I get to go back to heaven?
Intercom: *sigh* Sure, yeah.
Make Andre Buy Explosives- 2hrs
Make God Call Jesus to Complain About Andre- 2hrs
Wise Guy: If you’re looking for explosives, might I recommend our Super Boommaker? It gets the job done.
Andre: And this would be strong enough to blow up a portal to hell?
Wise Guy: Oh, you’re doing a hell portal? In that case you’re gonna want to step up to the Blastinator 5000. Comes with a zero demons money-back guarantee.
Heaven Forbidden Pt. 4
Andre: Alright, so we just connect this blue wire to the detonator there… The red wire to the explosive there…
Bart: Whoa, it’s a Blastinator 5000! And you even sprung for the trigger upgrade.
Milhouse: Hey, mister. What are you doing? Blowing stuff up to impress some girls? Classic.
Andre: Oh, uh, no. I’m just…can I let you kids in on a little secret? I’m actually on a top-secret mission from the big guy himself.
Andre: What? No. A top-secret mission from God.
Andre: And if I do a good job, I get to go back to heaven.
Milhouse: Uh…you can go to heaven right here in Springfield. It’s like three blocks that way.
Andre: Are we talking about the same heaven? Waterfalls? Pedicure Hut?
Bart: The very same. We just came from there. I took a swim and Milhouse got his nails done.
Make Bart Show Andre the Way to Heaven- 3hrs
Make Milhouse Show Off His Nails- 3hrs
Make Andre Totally Forget About the Hell Portal- 3hrs
Heaven Forbidden Pt. 5
Jesus Christ: Oh, hey Andre. Yeah, God mentioned you were here. Super cool.
Andre: I know, right? How long have you guys been here? And why is heaven here? Does God know about that?
Jesus Christ: Um…look I’m gonna level with you. God brought part of heaven down here so he’d have a place to relax…away from you.
Jesus Christ: He really doesn’t like when you — um, well he just really doesn’t like you. Don’t take it personally, he really doesn’t like me that much either. He says I take the spotlight. Which — okay, that’s fair. But hey that’s what happens when you turn water to wine, feed five thousand people fish sandwiches, come back to life, just to name a few… Anyways, I don’t know how you ended up here. Must’ve gotten caught on the slipspace stream when God was teleporting heaven down.
Andre: I see. Well, I guess I’ll just be going then.
Jesus Christ: Oh, hey. C’mon. It doesn’t have to be like that. You can stay for a bit. I won’t tell God, I promise.
Andre: Really? Can I swim in the pool?
Jesus Christ: Uh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Make Andre Take a Heavenly Dip- 4hrs
Make Jesus Relax by the Pool- 4hrs
Andre: Hey, Jesus! Jesus, look. I can do the backstroke.
Jesus Christ: Super cool, Andre.
Andre: You wanna play Marco Polo? MARCO!!
Jesus Christ: *sigh* Polo.
And that concludes the final 2 premium questlines for the Clash of Creeds event!
Thoughts on the event? Did you buy Yahweh or Andre? Thoughts on the dialogue? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!