Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
Love is in the air! Although maybe not so much in the Simpsons’ household…
Love and War is the latest event to hit our pocket-sized towns, and it’s an all-out romance novel affair!
The first act of this event ushered in one new premium character to help navigate this event. Esme Delacorix is an all-new premium character for Springfield, who not only helps earn event currency but also comes with a short questline.
So let’s take a look at the questline for Esme, here’s the full dialogue for To Kill a Scoundrel…
To Kill a Scoundrel Pt. 1
Lindsay Naegle: Esme! The sales numbers just came in for “To Divorce a Scoundrel” and they’re record-breaking!
Esme Delacroix: That’s unsurprising. The idea was so strong that anyone could have written that novel, really. Anyone who went to Yale, that is. So, how many did we sell?
Lindsay Naegle: Zero!
Esme Delacroix: I didn’t sell a single copy?
Lindsay Naegle: I’m afraid not. And your display copy from the store window was stolen, so you owe us.
Esme Delacroix: This is terrible. What am I going to do?
Lindsay Naegle: Well, with numbers this bad, it looks like your Scoundrel series is over.
Esme Delacroix: But what about my sequels, “The Scoundrel in the Rye,” “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Scoundrels,” and “The Complete Scoundrels Guide to Idiots?”
Lindsay Naegle: Canceled, I’m afraid. The publisher doesn’t think it’s a profitable investment anymore. But cheer up, lots of women in their fifties start new careers. Have you heard of ViewTube?
Esme Delacroix: You think I can become a ViewTube influencer?
Lindsay Naegle: No, but I think you can learn from their training videos.
Make Esme Delacroix Investigate ViewTube- 4hrs
To Kill a Scoundrel Pt. 2
Marge: Esme, I heard about the book. I’m so sorry.
Esme Delacroix: I’m not going to lie to you, Marge. This is the worst day of my entire life. Except for that time I had to read an entire Young Adult vampire trilogy in one day. Did I say “read”? I meant “write”.
Marge: Oh, you poor thing. Why don’t you come over for dinner the next time you have a free evening?
Esme Delacroix: Let me check my calendar. Let’s see, I have an opening… every night for the rest of my life now.
Make Esme Delacroix Go to Dinner With Marge- 4hrs
Make Marge Cook Dinner for Esme- 4hrs
Esme Delacroix: Thank you, Marge. That was a wonderful meal. Much better than all the Krusty burgers that await my future.
Bart: Mom, can we go watch cartoons now?
Lisa: Yeah, Itchy and Scratchy have a new episode tonight where Itchy dies so his ghost can wipe out all of Scratchy’s ancestors in the afterlife.
Esme Delacroix: What’s “Itchy and Scratchy”?
Bart: Only the best show ever. It compresses the blood and guts from a McBain movie down to 30 seconds, which is my exact attention span.
Lisa: And I find the intrinsic battle between good and evil viscerally — oh, who am I kidding? It’s wicked funny!
Esme Delacroix: Wow, you children get really excited about this show! Tell me more.
Bart: Sorry lady, already lost interest.
To Kill a Scoundrel Pt. 3
Roger Myers Jr: Esme Delacroix! Why would a classy smut writer like you want to write for “Itchy and Scratchy”?
Esme Delacroix: I think I can bring an unparalleled level of sophistication to your show and modernize it for the next era of television.
Roger Myers Jr: Got it. You need a quick payday. Now you realize writing for kids animation is the lowest paying genre of television writing with limitless rewrites and no residuals.
Esme Delacroix: So, when do I start?
Roger Myers Jr: Immediately! Where were you when I was producing adult entertainment?
Make Esme Delacroix Write an Itchy and Scratchy Episode- 4hrs
Marge: Thanks for coming to watch your big debut at our house, Esme. I can’t wait to see it!
Esme Delacroix: Thanks. I’m excited to be here and watch the kids’ faces.
Lisa: Shhh! It’s starting!
Itchy: I’ve got you cornered now, Scratchy. Time to do something I’ve always wanted to do… *reaches in pocket*
Itchy: *pulls out ring* Will you marry me?
Bart: What the—?
To Kill a Scoundrel Pt. 4
Bart: Lisa, did Itchy just give Scratchy a diamond ring?
Bart: And he didn’t use it to slit his throat or gouge an eyeball?
Esme Delacroix: Real time commentary. I’m not used to that in the book world. I’m also not used to turning off the TV and running out of the room.
Make Esme Delacroix Wait for Feedback- 4hrs
Make Bart Stall- 4hrs
Esme Delacroix: Kids, what did you think?
Bart: Well… umm… it was… it was… it was…
Lisa: The right length…?
Esme Delacroix: Yay! That’s exactly what they said about “War and Peace and Scoundrels”! Hold on, Roger is calling. Probably to congratulate me! *on phone* Uh huh… Uh huh… Oh really? Okay, bye.
Marge: What did he say?
Esme Delacroix: Three things: I killed the franchise. I’m fired. And he’s going back to adult entertainment.
To Kill a Scoundrel Pt. 5
Marge: Tough break, Esme. If you want, I could always use more help on my next novel, “Thunder Down Under”.
Esme Delacroix: Does it need any scoundrels?
Marge: If I answer that will you charge me another consulting fee?
Esme Delacroix: Never mind. I think I’ll just go back to Yale and teach writing.
Marge: You don’t think it would be difficult to get a job there after your recent writing struggles?
Esme Delacroix: Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said I was going to teach at Yale.
Make Esme Delacroix Go Back to Yale- 4hrs
And that’s it my friends, the details on Esme’s questline!
Thoughts on her questline? Did you buy Esme? Sound off below, you know we love hearing from you!