Thank Grog It’s Firday!
I’m not going to say why…but man, do I need a break from this week. No…it has nothing to do with Peach Mint Korn (inside family/friends joke) but more to do with trying to get everything done I need to get done, before heading out to New Orleans on the 27th. I know…I know...poor, poor me!
But, what I really want to write about, is that I think the writers have really lost it this year. I get it. Grandpa’s memory is more than a little hazy. But, come on. Did they really have to go there?
Pagans are one thing…but making Santa a Nazi, is really over the top. However, Heir Santa is only a small portion of the “less than Christmas” vibe of this event. Let’s take a look and see what else the writers are cooking up…
We already know that there is a huge problem in continuity with this 4-week, mini/major event format. They are really 4 mini-events, tied loosely together with a theme. But, man...loose is really a loose translation of the word loose! This entire event is looser than the stool of a guy on an all protein shake diet!
OK. So maybe that visual was a bit much. But, the fact is…this event just gets worse, the longer it hangs around.
I actually think they are using Grandpa as a foil, to make up for the fact that they couldn’t figure out how to tie four really random “acts” together. Grandpa, because he’s old, meanders all over the place…so they can do whatever they want. Right?
But, Santa as a Nazi that wants to assassinate Churchill??
Historically, in the game and in the series, when it comes to Abe’s exploits in WWII, they are convoluted and really, really out there. From being a hero as one of the Flying Hellfish, to actually dodging service as a cross-dresser (so he could play in the women’s baseball league with Jasper), you have to wonder where reality comes into play. Of course, there are a ton of you who immediately are jumping to the “BUT IT IS A CARTOON!!!” retort. And, I get it.
But, when you start turning Santa, the most beloved character of the secular side of our favorite religious holiday, into one of the most hated symbols of the 20th century, you have gone too far.
But, read that last sentence. What is too far???
There’s too far…and then, apparently, there’s WAY too far!
I’ll show you. But to do so, I am going to break one of our cardinal rules here at Addicts…and jump AHEAD to the final two acts of this really insanely non-Christmas/Holiday/Winter event.
On Christmas Day… On one of two of the most important Christian holidays…we start “Abe the Toy Soldier” with its nod to fighting Communism, after WWII is over, and a ridiculous telling of how Grandpa becomes a model for plastic toy soldiers…after admitting to killing one of his superior officers in the war. We then slip into the FBI spying on citizens…but are thwarted by the CIA.
Ah…nothing says “Christmas” like domestic spying, and government deceit.
But it gets better. We also have a chance to get another “Less than Holiday/Christmas” Premium character… Christian Krusty. “Hey…with a name like Christian Krusty It HAS to Be Funny! Right?”
This of course would have made more sense if they had called him Kristian Krusty. As you can imagine, Krusty’s turn into Christianity, comes complete with a conversation with Azzlan, our favorite Christian Lion icon, who represents…ah…never mind. This thing is convoluted enough without bringing CS Lewis characters into it.
I’m going to REALLY break the rules here…and print a ton of the dialogue to make my point.
Krusty the Christian: Have you heard the news?
Azzlan: That Jesus is our savior?
Krusty the Christian: Even better news: I’m a Christian now!
Azzlan : Wonderful! Since I’m the world’s most famous Christian lion, maybe you should have me on your TV show.
Krusty the Christian: We already have a monkey. Can you take a pie in the face?
Azzlan: I can take anything. I mean, the White Witch sacrificed me on a stone altar.
Krusty the Christian: We’ll call you if we need you.
Task: Make Christian Krusty Have Communion (4h)
Task: Make Azzlan Pester Krusty About a Job (4h, Krusty Burger)
Sophie Krustofsky: Dad, is becoming a Christian just your latest fad? Like when you got into jet skiing and started riding a jet ski around your apartment?
Krusty the Christian: *praying with rosary beads* I know it’s hard to deal with a clown that’s been saved. But I can’t help loving Jesus! Also, when I do stand up comedy for Christians, they like me, because they like things that aren’t funny.
Task: Make Christian Krusty Practice Christian Stand Up (4h, Krusty Burger)
Task: Make Sophie Krustofsky Be Skeptical of Her Dad (4h, Krusty Burger)
Rev. Lovejoy: Krusty, we’re so happy to welcome you into our loving community. Now, have you heard about “tithing”? That’s a joyous Christian experience where you give me ten percent of your income.
Krusty the Christian: Ten percent! That’s what my agent charges. For that kind of money can you get me parts in movies?
Rev. Lovejoy: I’m afraid not.
Krusty the Christian: Well, don’t feel bad. Neither can my agent.
Task: Make Christian Krusty Read Movie Roles (4h, Krusty Burger)
Krusty the Christian: I may have to give up being a Christian, Sophie.
Sophie Krustofsky: Too many rules for you, Dad?
Krusty the Christian: Exactly the opposite. They told me I can do anything I want and still go to Heaven as long as I repent right before I die. That’s a bad message for a guy addicted to forty-three different kinds of painkillers.
Task: Make Krusty the Christian Lose His Religion (4h, Krusty Burger)
When task is complete
Jesus Christ: Bad news, Dad. We lost Krusty.
God: Tell me he didn’t become a Hindu. Vishnu always rubs it in my face.
Jesus Christ: Relax. He spent the last five hours worshiping a bottle of bourbon.
Whoa!! Nothing says Christmas Holiday like a lapsed Christian, and a character designed only for that task! PASS!
BUT, IT GETS WORSE…
When final act starts (On New Years Day…my birthday), the “Special Holiday Premium Item” we can buy is… wait for it…wait for it… Aaron Burr and the Hall of Vice Presidents!
If you have seen “Hamilton,” (and if you haven’t, you have been under a rock for the past few years), you know that Aaron Burr was a Vice President who set an unusual precedent, of being the one, and only sitting member of the executive branch to actually shoot a political rival…and get away with it.
As it is explained in Wiki, “Burr shot his political rival Alexander Hamilton in an 1804 duel, during the last full year of his single term as vice president. He was never tried for the illegal duel and all charges against him were eventually dropped, but Hamilton’s death ended Burr’s political career.”
And you thought modern politics were whacky…or that the “carry and conceal” laws were too lenient. A sitting VP shot a guy…and got away with it. Let that sink in while you’re having your Christmas goose.
I can’t remotely understand why he (or his animatronic Doppleganger) is part of our game…especially during the holiday season. To say that Burr represents a “low point” in our history would not be remotely accurate, but he clearly doesn’t belong in our towns…as a full character. PASS!
I get it.
The Simpsons has always been irreverent.
But, this much random meandering…during what is SUPPOSED to be the Best Event of the Year…with such weird, pointedly mean-spirited dialogue, is both lazy and insulting.
It is clear that the writers and EA are having a hell of a time trying to tie content into some form of a story that has any continuity whatsoever. So, to make it EAsy…they pull up Abe, who by nature rambles and meanders without context.
I can only hope that this is not a precursor for the rest of the updates for 202o. It is barely playable…and works hard to offend everyone. Cool. Good job. You succeeded.
In the meantime…I am going to do my best to forget this update, and the insanity in Washington (and London) and have a good time celebrating family and fun in New Orleans over the New Year. And boy…does it ever feel like we NEED a fresh start…with a new direction…and a semblance of common sense and unity.
Here’s to positive change in the coming year. May your holiday season be blessed with family, friends, fun, and less tapping.