Hey Howdy Hey Tappers!
The Tap Ball Event is winding down and we thought now would be a fun time to take a look back at all the dialogue and jokes of the main questlines that popped up during Tap Ball Event (we’ll cover premium and side quests in another post…otherwise this would be the post that never ended!). Especially since many of you have been requesting this over the last few days! So if you missed any of the dialogue during the 3 Acts here’s your chance to catch it all!
It all starts way back when the Woman’s World Cup was just getting started…not to be confused with America’s Cup….can you remember back that far? So here we go with Homer, Lisa and the invention of a crazy new game…
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 1
Auto Start by Lisa
Lisa: Can you believe it, Dad? The World Cup is in full swing!
Homer: I know! It’s yachting’s biggest event!
Lisa: No, that’s the AMERICA’S Cup. And it’s stupid. I’m talking about the–
Homer: So much drama! Which billionaire will rise to the challenge, and hire the best sailor to drive his catamaran? I’ll be glued to the TV!
Lisa: I’m talking about the Women’s World Cup of soccer!
Homer: Oh. That’s the sport where some dudes–
Lisa: –women, in this case–
Homer: –kick a ball around until one of them fakes an injury the best and a winner is declared?
Lisa: Let’s just watch the game.
Make Lisa Watch Soccer- 45s, Earns $3, 1xp
Make Homer Watch Soccer- 45s, Earns $3, 1xp
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 2
Lisa: Dad, wake up!
Homer: Why? Did somebody finally score a soccer goal?
Lisa: Almost! …but then no.
Homer: Exciting stuff. This sport could really use some cheerleaders and hockey fights.
Lisa: Soccer is the single most popular sport in the world! Bigger than motorcycle polo and bear baiting COMBINED.
Homer: Which confirms what I’ve always said: the world is an idiot. It’s time for a new sport! A better sport!
Build the Grass Field- FREE
Build the Stadium Entrance- FREE
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 3
Homer: Have you ever longed for a sport that combines the thrill of selecting a team with the fun of waiting for a long time between matches?
Lisa: Not at all.
Homer: Then say hello to Tap Ball! Tap Ball takes the best parts of other sports — dribbling, the infield fly rule, an epidemic of concussions — — and adds the excitement of watching people play second-rate video games!
Lisa: That sounds confusing and terrible.
Homer: Best of all, the only equipment you need is a smartphone, thirteen balls of varying size, bats made of glass……some chalk to mark the many end zones, a quaffle, Kevlar body armor and a greedy, narcissistic owner to screw it all up!
Lisa: The town library is crumbling, and you got a Tap Ball stadium built in no time at all.
Homer: It’s easy, when you sell the naming rights. Welcome to Duff Beer Krusty Burger Buzz Cola Costington’s Department Store Kwik-E-Mart Stupid Flanders Park! Duff gets to be first because they gave us the most money. People are gonna love it!
Make Homer Pander to Sponsors- 3m, $6, 2xp
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 4
Lisa: So what are the rules of Tap Ball?
Homer: You ready for this? Because it’s gonna blow your mind. The only rule of Tap Ball is… …THERE… …ARE… …NO… …more than sixty-seven rules. With attached sub-rules, notes, and clarifications.
Make Homer Invent More Rules- x4. 6s, Earns $35, 1xp
Homer: Rule one: a three-point shot is worth five points. Rule two: attire is business casual, no underwear. Rule three: with one minute to go in the eighth quarter, the score is always tied. So it’s more exciting. Rule four: punching, whether of opponents or teammates, shall be worth two runs. Rule five: every player must keep both feet on the floor at all times. When running, a hand must also be on the floor. Rule six: only the player with the ball may cry. Rule seven: defense loses championships.
Lisa: I think I get it.
Homer: I’m not done yet!
Lisa: Dad, I have to admit. There’s a puncher’s chance this new sport of yours will catch on. In that case, I’d like its first bona fide star to be a woman. Sign me up.
Homer: Great! You’ll play the critical position of center left forward back. Your job is to feed me alley-oops.
Lisa: I thought you were the referee.
Homer: I’m both! And that’s how I’ll ensure I’m also the greatest Tap Ball player ever. It’s why Babe Ruth was a baseball umpire.
Lisa: Baseball is the least important thing in the universe to me, but I’m fairly certain that’s not true.
Homer: My game, my rules!
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 5
Homer: Attendance at last night’s Tap Ball game was only 6 people. While that’s superior to most MLB games, it is concerning. Attention everyone! Tap Ball stadium is open, and everyone can watch for free!
Apu: Free? Mr. Simpson, as one of your sponsors, I do not see how that is a good idea.
Homer: Good sir, I assure you it’s all a scam. My motives toward our fans are purely evil.
Apu: Phew. So it’s like every other sport.
Homer: Not exactly. See Tap Ball is free to try, but then we lure people into buying foam fingers and hats and other useless overpriced stuff that costs real money.
Apu: So like every other sport, except that it’s free to try?
Homer: No, it’s completely differ– oh hey, you’re right. Man, this freemium model has been around forever.
Tap Fans- x15. Find the fans roaming around Springfield and tap on them to clear them.
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 6
Homer: Great game, everybody! I saw a lot of effort out there. Except for you, Flanders! You stink. Don’t ask me why. And your moustache also stinks. It played really lousy today.
Flanders: Appreciate the constructive criticism, coachareeno! Maybe I can train a little more to get better.
Make Tap Ball Players Practice- x4. 4hrs, Earns 4 , 45xp
Upgrade Lisa- Costs 26 to upgrade first time
Upgrade Homer- Costs 29 to upgrade first time
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 7
Homer: It’s hard being a team owner, manager and athlete at the same time. How will I find time to improve the stadium, yell at my teammates, drink and nap?
Lisa: Sounds like you need a schedule. You should plan your day, make a time table for yourself and others.
Homer: Schedules? Time tables? Numbers? These things shouldn’t exist in sports.
Complete Daily Training
Meet my Trophy Life Pt. 8
Homer: Well, that settles it — Homer Simpson is a marketing genius. I mean, if there were some sort of theoretical ranking of the most popular sport people came to for the first time —- Tap Ball wouldn’t even be on it, because it’s free. But if there was some list of the most PROFITABLE sports, amazingly Tap Ball would be near the top! At least from time to time. Depending on if the latest updates to our “sport” were any good. And all because a few individuals, for whatever reason, are willing to spend a lot of money on Tap Ball premium items!
Apu: Who are these people?
Homer: I don’t know. But they sure are wonderful. If it weren’t for their generosity, I could never hire writers to create this hastily thrown together but occasionally funny dialog for me to say.
Blue Haired Lawyer: Homer Simpson?
BHL: I represent Electronic Arts. We’re big fans of Tap Ball, and money in general. We would love to make a video game based on your sport. If you’ll sign here, we can have “Simpson’s Tapped Ball” in stores in less than two months.
Homer: They sell video games in stores?
BHL: For the next few years they still do.
Make Homer Squeeze Into a Motion Capture Suit– 8hrs, Earns $275 70xp
Meet my Trophy Life Pt. 9
Homer: That was a clear violation of rule twenty-four: no running over other players with a foreign-made car.
Lenny: You’re right! Totally forgot. Sorry, Carl.
Carl: No problem. Even I have to admit it was a pretty good squishing.
Lisa: I’m a little worried about how competitive people are getting.
Homer: Competition is what made America great, back when it used to be great.
Lisa: Sport isn’t just about beating your opponents and showing off. What about sportsmanship? Teamwork? Friendly competition?
Homer: Hmmm… I guess it works for the New England Patriots…
Lisa: I’m going to make up my own version of Tap Ball! One that encourages people to work together.
Homer: Why would people work as a team to share a prize when they can compete to keep their own prize?
Lisa: People aren’t so selfish. You’ll see.
Purchase Sports Ball- 500
Throw Ball in Another Springfield
Meet my Trophy Life Pt. 10
Apu: Mr. Homer, as a corporate sponsor of Tap Ball, I have grave concerns about this new “Co-operative Mode.” A sport where no one loses is a sport that you cannot bet on. We’re turning our back on degenerates! It is my duty as a team owner to pretend I disapprove of gambling, while simultaneously doing everything I can to encourage the practice.
Homer: You’re right. Think of the bookies. The poor bookies…
Moe: Co-operative Mode is un-American! I want losers I can feel sorry for, and winners I can resent for gettin’ paid too much!
Lisa: No! Co-operative Mode is sport at its finest! Support Co-operative Mode!
Moe: Don’t listen to her! Support the other thing!
Make Springfielders Support Competitive Mode- x10. 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp Freemium and $600, 150xp Premium
Make Springfielders Support Co-operative Mode- x10. 12hrs, Earns $420, 100xp Freemium and $600, 150xp Premium
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 11
Homer: Co-operative Tap Ball is a hit, sweetie! Now it’s time to reward yourself by inventing a slew of arbitrary rules.
Lisa: Really? Well, okay. I guess it’d be nice if we could encourage players to be nice to each other.
Homer: Great! Rule one: any player who isn’t smiling gets ejected and receives a lifetime ban.
Lisa: Rule two: when a player scores, the other team must congratulate her, and they have to mean it. If she feels like maybe they’re faking, the game is over.
Homer: You’re doing it, honey! You’re power-mad!
Lisa: This is fun! Rule three: if you like a boy on the other team, he has to like you back!
Homer: Now we’re playing some sports!
Make Lisa Invent More Rules- 24hrs, Earns 24
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 12
Homer: People seem to be losing interest in Tap Ball. What do I do now?
Willie: Ach! No sport is interesting for very long without a wee scandal. Got any cheaters in your league?
Homer: Cheating is part of the game. Literally. If you don’t cheat, it’s a two-stroke penalty. But what about a good PDD scandal?
Willie: What’s a PDD?
Homer: Performance-degrading drugs. By which I mean beer. Hey everybody! Follow me to Moe’s! We’ve got a match tonight!
Have Homer Create a Tap Ball Scandal- 12hrs, Earns 12
Make Tap Ball Players Drink at Moe’s- x7, 8hrs, Earns $275, 70xp freemium and $420, 105xp Premium
Can Send Homer, Marge, Mr. Burns, Apu, Jasper, Flanders, Lugash, Comic Book Guy, Grampa and Tatum (Crazy Cat Lady too if you unlock her via Daily training by this point)
Meet My Trophy Life Pt. 13
Homer: Gather ‘round, team. Tonight is the championship match. Before we go out there, I want to say how proud I am of you. We’ve faced a lot of adversity this season. I’m not one for inspiring speeches, but as the team’s leader, and a God-like figure in your eyes, I know you crave my peerless leadership. Let’s leave it all on the field tonight, guys. Let’s have no regrets. Whatever happens in the next ten innings, and the subsequent six quarters, I know you’ll give me everything you’ve got. And I’ll make you this promise: That come what may, I’m going to keep changing the rules so that we win 1000-0. There is literally no way for us to lose. We’ve already won. So do whatever you want out there. I honestly don’t care if you even show up. We will still win. By a lot. So let’s get out there and DO THIS!!!!!!
Make Tap Ball Players Play in the Championship Game- x4, 24hrs, Earns $600, 150xp Freemium and
Can send Homer, Lisa, Marge, Flanders, Apu, Football Nelson, Lugash, Bart, Mr. Burns, Jasper, Furious D, Grampa, Tatum, Milhouse, Comic Book Guy, Ralph (if you’ve won him by this point) & Crazy Cat Lady (if you’ve unlocked her via Daily Training by this point)
Balls of Glory Pt. 1
Homer: I need players for Tap Ball, America’s fastest-growing-sport (as measured by bench-clearing brawls). Here’s the sign up sheet. See? It’s already got my name, Lisa’s name, and Flanders.
Flanders: Well that doesn’t look like my hand writing, but I’m always willing to get physical with my favorite neighbour.
Apu: Sports is my only escape from my crushing family life. I’m in!
Homer: Amen to that brother! We officially have enough players to play Tap Ball!
Play Tap Ball- At this point tap Do It, it’ll take you to the Play Tap Ball! Screen. From here go to Single Player (at this point) and hit Pick. You can choose your players and Play. (we’ll break this down in another post)
Nelson: Hey fatso! Your team needs more jocks like me. I’m going to be a superstar Tap Ball player. How many millions of dollars do those jerks make?
Homer: Zero! You play for free! Being part of Professional Tap Ball is its own reward! After all, this is a sport that’s steeped in tradition, having been founded over three missions ago.
Nelson: Wait a second. You got a ton of sponsorship money. Why can’t you use some of that to pay your players?
Homer: How about instead of money, I pay you with something much more valuable. Experience!
Homer: …er, what if, INSTEAD, I pay you in something else? Something called…uh… “Amateur Bucks!” Redeemable everywhere that accepts pretend money!
Nelson: Now we’re talking!
Balls of Glory Pt. 2
Flanders: That was fun, but I’m more out of breath than an atheist attempting to disprove God’s existence.
Homer: Come on! We can play again! More games mean more money!
Lisa: I’m tired, too. Just give us some time to rest.
Homer: You could rest, or you could drink one of our sponsor’s products in front of the camera! Put those hard earned Amateur Bucks to use!
Buy Obesotade- 400
Recharge Your Players and Play Tap Ball
Balls of Glory Pt. 3
Win Tap Ball Games- x1
Balls of Glory Pt. 4
Lisa: Tap Ball is fun, but how can you start a league with just one town?
Homer: We’ll start a rivalry with another Springfield. I still haven’t forgiven those guys for raiding our castles last summer.
Lisa: To be fair, we raided them, too.
Homer: Well, to be unfair… let’s get ‘em!
Play Tap Ball in Another Springfield- Random Opponent will be selected (like Clash of Clones) Town MUST have a flag over it to compete
At this point you’ll launch more friend actions…
Homer: Ok, more fans means more potential buyers. But how can I get even more? I know, I’ll steal fans from other Springfields!
Tap Fans in Another Springfield- x3
Frink: Good glayvin! All this tapping of fans in alternate Springfields is making the space-time hoyvin go ker-flooey!
Homer: Shut up! What do nerds know about sports, anyway?
Frink: This goes far beyond sports! Your incessant tapping threatens the very fabric of reality!
Homer: Double shut up! What’s the fate of the universe measured against me getting a little attention for myself?
Frink: Attention IS awfully nice. As a lonely intellectual, I sometimes feel— Hey, where are you going?
Homer: Away from you, nerd!
Balls of Glory Pt. 5
Flanders: What a fun game, neighboreeno! Even when we lose, it’s a hum-dinger!
Homer: You are the LAST person I’d expect to be okay with losing, Flanders! Your buddy the Lord never lost a fight in his life! That guy peeled himself off the carpet and came back swinging!
Flanders: I’m not sure about your Biblical reading, there. “Turn the other cheek,” and all that. Plus the whole sacrificing himself thing…
Homer: He was the ultimate warrior! And I will follow his example!
Rematch Another Springfield- Random Opponent, or a neighbor. MUST have a flag over it to compete
Balls of Glory Pt. 6
Win Tap Ball Games in Another Springfield- x10. Win 10 Tap Ball Games over your neighbors.
NahasapeemaPinPal Pt. 1
Apu: Mr. Homer, I am enjoying your ridiculous new game, but I feel like something is missing.
Homer: Maybe we need new players? Seeing as many players retire early with inexplicable head injuries.
Apu: Perhaps it is the inclusion of bowling balls in the field of play. And the awarding of points for the bouncing of said bowling balls off the heads of your opponents.
Homer: There is absolutely no link between bowling ball head shots and brain injury! A doctor we paid a lot of money to said so! He also said that mothers should encourage their young children to take more bowling balls to the head. It’s why we’ve started the “BRAIN 60” program, which encourages kids to get hit in the head by bowling balls for 60 minutes every day. It’s another way we’re doing great things for the community.
Apu: Alright, alright, it’s safe enough. Still, I feel like something is missing.
Make Pin Pal Apu Practice- 4hrs, Earns 4 , 45xp
NashasapeemaPinPal Pt. 2
Apu: Oh no! My lucky bowling ball is missing!
Barney: Well, if you’re in the market for a new ball, the Bowlerama has plenty!
Apu: I suppose I could use another ball for now…But that ball was a gift from my sweet, loving Manjula! Who will happily wring the life out of me if she discovers it is missing! Perhaps I left it with my other most-prized possessions.
Barney: Your children?
Apu: No, the collection of highly-toxic chemicals from which I mix my special blue Squishees.
Make Pin Pal Apu Search His Squishy Lab- 12hrs, Earns 12 , 100xp
Apu: Let me see now… Erioglaucine disodium, phenylacetone, bowling ballium. No bowling ball! Oh, I am unmanned!
NashasapeemaPinPal Pt. 3
Apu: A bowler without a ball is like Varaha, the third avatar of Vishnu, without his trademark discus and conch.
Homer: That’s exactly what I was thinking.
Apu: Without my lucky ball, I fear I will hinder the team, rather than help them.
Homer: We could always use an equipment manager. It’s just like being on the team, but without the fun and respect.
Apu: Uh… I will not debase myself with that.
Homer: Tell you what, Apu. Why not join the Simpsons for dinner, and we’ll come up with some way for you to help the team.
Make Pin Pal Apu Visit The Simpson House- 8hrs, Earns 8 , 70xp
NashasapeemaPinPal Pt. 4
Apu: Thank you for a lovely dinner, Marge. It is far more than a worm like me deserves.
Marge: Apu, is it really so bad, losing a bowling ball? It’s not like you’re Varaha, the third avatar of Vishnu, and you lost your trademark discus and conch.
Apu: But it is. It is exactly like that.
Homer: Yeah, Marge. That’s pretty much EXACTLY what it’s like. Sheesh.
Make Pin Pal Apu Stare Wistfully Out the Window- 24hrs, Earns 24 , 150xp
Apu: Homer, do you see that bowling ball outside your home, planted with flowers in the finger holes?
Homer: The one that says “Apu’s Bowling Ball” on it? Why yes, I do see it.
Apu: Homer! Idiot! That is my ball!
Homer: Uh… great. So you’ll be on top form for our next match.
Apu: Yeah, sure. Let’s do this thing.
The following dialogue appears if you have two of the same character face each other in Tap Ball (so your Homer faces your opponents Homer, or Flanders vs. Flanders etc)
Frink: Good glayvin! Our tap ball team just faced off against alternate versions of themselves! But they were wearing red and black instead of blue and white, so they’re evil.
Lisa: How does that make them evil?
Frink: There’s a history of such things in games.
Waluigi: It’s-a me, Waluigi! We’re-a gonna win!
Homer: Too late, Waluigi. The game’s over. Your team already went home.
Waluigi: Oh, that’s-a not a spicy meatball. Okay, well… it was-a me, Waluigi. I’m-a gonna go.
And there you have it my friends…all the fun of the past month and a half!
Did you enjoy rereading all the dialogue from Tap Ball? Were there any parts you missed? Any jokes you didn’t catch the first time around? Thoughts on the Event overall? Sound off in the comments below, you know we love hearing from you!